Me and my boyfriend have been together about a year and half. We have a baby as well. My boyfriend does not make any interest in sex at all. I try and turn him on but he turns me down every time. On a total I have counted that since we have been together we have had sex 8 times. What is wrong with him? Not to sound big headed but I think I am an attractive girl, a lot of guys find me attractive. But why NOT my boyfriend.

My previous boyfriend I was with him 4 years and broke it off to be with my this guy. We had sex everyday most of the time more than once a day. So I'm totally not used to not having a sexual relationship. My son is now 4 months and have not made love, even when we found out I was pregnant he didn't want to do it. It's really upsetting. He gets all funny when he sees people having sex or kissing on the TV. Please help. What shall I do?

Only he knows why, you need to sit down and talk. Or go to counseling.

Have you asked him what's up? That's what you should be doing, asking him.

Don't compare this guy with the other one, or this relationship should be like the one you had before. Obviously having sex every day didn't help that relationship continue, so talk and make some adjustments.

Is this your first child?

Maybe life for him has happened too fast, too soon.

You have been together only 18 months, and very early on in the relationship, you were pregnant. And this after leaving another boyfriend, for the one you're with now.

Neither of you knew each other well enough in my opinion, to decide you were going to be together forever, let alone know each other well enough to plan for, and have a baby that you will be raising for the next couple of decades. That is a huge, major investment that maybe he wasn't ready for.

But, in a very short period, he's become a father, when he probably wasn't ready to settle down. It is a rude awakening to realize what adjusting your life means, accommodating a child, and his child's mother, probably for the rest of his life- even if the two of you don't last, he still has a child to take care of, even if only financially.

It's like having a debt, that never gets paid off. Quite a daunting thought if you weren't realizing what having a baby means.

So, what I'm trying to say is, that it is the bigger picture that is probably killing the sex drive. Maybe he thinks sex could equal another baby, and he is having a hard time adjusting (and affording) one baby, let alone more. Sex, or lack of it, is only a symptom of a much bigger picture here I think.

Counselling might help to get to the bigger problems, like feeling overwhelmed, unhappy, stuck or trapped, and just plain old ignorance about what to do, and how to live a life, that now has a bigger responsibility than just your own.

A baby changes everything.

Yes this is our 1st baby. Thank you all for your thoughts. It's not since this baby we haven't had sex.", it's been since I've been with him really. Sometimes I think he is gay.

Well, let's assume that it isn't the day to day pressures of being a new dad, or money worries, job security etc. that is getting him down.

Interesting though that I don't think I've ever heard that a woman with a low sex drive could be gay, as a reason. Maybe so, I don't know.

If he has had a low sex drive, since you met him, then why do you expect him to change now. Maybe he is just not all that interested in sex? Maybe he never will be, or maybe you have greater sexual needs- how will you reconcile that.

If counselling isn't going to work, then like I've said before, the bigger issue is you may have to sacrifice your needs, and make your priority list, differently. It may be more important that he's a good father, an honest, faithful, trustworthy man and partner, a good natured man who treats you well, etc.

Sex is not a constant. Couples have problems with frequency for example, with sex, after five years, or six months, or 20 years with their partner, for short times, during troubled times, after the death of a loved one, illness, etc. That is a part of life, and sex at any stage should not be THE focus of the relationship.

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Originally Posted by xx_leighanne_xx

Yes this is our 1st baby. Thank you all for your thoughts. It's not since this baby we havnt had sex.", it's been since I've been with him really. Sometimes I think he is gay.

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So since you knew before how he was, why do you expect him to change now?

Have you ever considered asking your boyfriend to get counselling. Just because he doesn't have sex with you everyday, doesn't mean the guy is gay. Honestly, what I don't understand is, why the both of you were not using contraception. Condomns, birth control pills? Having unprotected sex can lead to sexually transmitted diseases, as well as unwanted, unplanned pregnancies.

Also you cannot compare your current partner to your previous partner. Especially when it comes to sexual intimacy and the frequency of it. Not every single person is the same. Like women for example. Some women have a higher sex drive. It can also depend on the age of the women. Like for an example, some women's sex drive increases when they are in their late 20's to 30's.

You should talk to your partner. Being in a relationship is about communication. The sexual part of the relationship does not last forever. Having a child will put a damper on sexual intimacy in the relationship. There could even be deep seated psychological issues going on with him. Only he knows that. Communicating with him and listening to what he has to say may break that outer shell and crack the mystery you are trying to solve.

I was on the pill actually. And like I said he has always been like this even before our baby was born

Eight instances of sex in a span of almost two years indicates that something is definitely wrong. There are usually two explanations for this and you already touched on one: 1) he's gay, or 2) he's cheating. There are exceptions of course, like a non-existent libido, but this is rare in young folk.

But really, the question that you should be asking yourself is since he's not giving you what you want, why are you sticking around? You can try talking to him about it, but after this much time, he won't change. Moreover, it is unfair to ask him to change for you anyway.

You were on the pill. So why did you not use condoms as well. You always need backup. I heard what you said that he was like this before the baby was born. But what I am trying to say is try talking to him to find out what's bothering him. Discuss with him in an open, honest, non-judgemental conversation how you feel and how he feels. Like I said in my last post.. he could have psychological issues. No on here can read your boyfriends mind. YOU have to talk to him. Relationships are not just based upon sex alone. You have to be friends as well. Be able to tolerate each other. Maybe he is just like that. He could have a low sex drive. Stress, some medications, past abuse issues, a bad relationship can damper someone's sex drive. I'm not saying that's what's wrong with him, but this is why you need to open the lines of communication with him. I agree with what everyone has had to say here. Jake has made some important key points. I hope that things get better. Take care.

Thank you slapshot. I understand what your saying. I will have tO talk to him. Every time I mention sex or see sexual stuff on TV he gets in a huff. I just hope he will talk about it with me. And I don't see him changing either.

Also gemmichick I'm allergic to all condoms :(. On the injection now but a total waste of time as haven't had sex since I been on it and due to have another one next month but I'm not. No point.

First of all, congrats on the baby! But setting that aside, I agree with the previous person who said that reality just hit him. He didn't know what he was getting himself into when you both decided to have sex. But in all honestly, I don't think that you should be concerned that you aren't having sex everyday. Sex isn't the main importance anymore. Now, it's your child. Does he have a job? If not, he's going to have to get one. Are you guys living in an apartment? Maybe he thinks he has to get a bigger house for the baby. He's thinking about all of the finances he is going to have now; baby formula, toys, diapers, shoes, pacifiers, baby wipes, clothes, bottles, milk, car seat, stroller, medicine, doctor appointments, school funds (believe it or not, but it would be a GREAT idea to start saving now), and maybe some more things. I mean, cut him some slack here.
Another thing that could be keeping him back is the image of you giving birth. To us girls, it's no big deal. But to guys, that kinda' stuff can scar them. He can still be scared from seeing you give birth and what not. The main thing you should do is sit down and talk to him. Have you asked him how he is feeling lately? Have you guys sat down and had a meal together since the baby? You need to remember that this baby really did shock him, too. Talk to him.

Xoxo.
PunkkBarbiee.

Thank you punkbarbie. Yes we are living tOgether and he has a job. He works 13 hours a day so hardly see him really. And that's not the reason were not having sex. My birth was amazing. I didn't have any pain killers or make a sound so that didn't scare him. Thank you for your sagestions.

Make love to the mind, and the body will follow. As long as you see things through the filter of your own feelings you will not see the adjustments to be made in other parts of the relationship.

Having a child is a life changing event for you both, especially given how fast you have squeezed things into such a short time. Yet you expect him to change for YOU to be more like the other guys who have met your needs with lust, and pleasure. He ain't them, but he is a hard working father. Take away the sex part, and tell me how the relationship is. Does he show appreciation and companionship despite those 13 hours a day? What do you expect a guy to do after those kinds of working hours?

How did you deal with the lack of sex before, and NOT now?

I didn't deal with it before the baby either I was upset then too as to why he wouldn't want to get close to me. The relationship at the moment has nothing special to it. He doesn't really talk to me about his day. I ask him questions and he gives me 1 word answers. :(

Then leave because you have a baby, but no relationship.

Thank you. X