Ask Me Help Desk - Still recovering from divorce

I was married for 11 years, divorced in 2003 (not my choice), remarried in 2004 to the most wonderful man in the world. I've had a tough time with getting divorced (who doesn't? ) and early on totally committed myself to making a complete 'recovery'. I've read every book I can find that talks sensibly about divorce recovery, participated in divorce groups, done quite a bit of soul-searching, etc. and I've made tons of progress. Now, though, I find myself still angry with my ex. I've been at a stalemate with myself with this for over a year without any improvement and feel like it's eating me alive inside-plus it's really not good for my new marriage! I know why I'm angry with my ex, but it's not about anything that I have the power to change, which I believe is the reason why I can't forgive him for these things. I've tried looking for books or support groups to help me with this particular stage but everything seems geared towards the newly divorced. I've been taking anti-depressants to help me cope with the anger but of course this doesn't fix the real problem. I haven't had the best experience with therapists in the past so would view this as a last resort. Does anyone know of any resources that might help me?

Hi sapphiremoon,

I'v scanned your post and found how much you are pained.

My I humply advise you?

Hoping that you will benefit from this.

1-If you are away from sporting activities, please engage yourself in.

2-If you reside at the same city of your ex, move to another city immeadiately.

3-in your weekend try to work as a Volunteer in a child care center or nursing home. By doing so you will discover that a lot of people are pained just like you.

With peace and love.

The owl

Thank you for your response. This is great advice but doesn't help me in my current situation. These are all things I have already done at the beginning, but now I need to learn how to get past my anger, not distract myself from it. Do you have any other thoughts that might help me?

Owl, I can see that you have only the best of intentions in trying to help her.

Sapphiremoon, from what you have written I can see that your divorce was not something that you wanted. Did you ever manage to get closure? Were you ever able to verbalize to your ex how you felt at the time? Did he ever give you an explanation that you found acceptable?

Your answers to these questions are important. It will help us to figure out the source of your anger. Once we figure out the source, we can put a plan of action together to get you over this bump in the road that you have hit. (And by us, I mean you and me and whoever else visits this posting).

What are you angry at your ex about? I have been divorced six years and there are still things that can pop up and I realize that I did not deal with them in the right way.

About therapists/counselors - it is okay to get a second opinion or even third. Not everyone clicks together. If you feel that a particular counselor is going nowhere with your situation, then you have every right to back out and seek someone else. Have you ever talked to a grief specialist? Divorce is a death of sorts. We grieve in various ways and sometimes have difficulty getting past certain areas.

I like owl's intent with his postings - get busy, focus on other parts of your life, develop new interests, engage in physical activity, and work on the inner self - your soul. I listened to a speaker on Bishop T.D. Jakes program last night, her name is Dr. Paris Finner-Williams. She is an attorney. She wrote a book called, "Single Wisdom". There is a chapter in that book dealing with divorce recovery.
Her website is Finner-Williams and Associates
She is a Christian and can backup what she says with Biblical teachings.

Other resources? I am not sure what all you have read. CBN has some teachings about anger - http://www.cbn.com/search/search.aspx?query=anger

Have you ever written a letter to your ex, explaining your anger. What makes you angry about him, why it makes you angry, and what you feel he should have done or perhaps can still do. It can three sentences long and it can be 30 pages long. But the goal is to vent it all out, getting every detail, working through the frustration by writing. Keep a copy and send the original to him.

You are correct when you say that this anger is not good for your current marriage. I have a question, when you became divorced did you ever get involved in a group called "Beginning Experiences"? One of the pearls of wisdom they impart to the newly divorced is to not even consider a serious relationship for three years post divorce. It takes that kind of time.

I hope you can find a peaaceful resolution to your anger towards your ex. Especailly if it is towards things you have no control over. You have to learn to let go of those things. One actiivity I did post divorce was to take small pieces of paper and on each one, write one thing that infuriated me about my ex. From his refusal to help with housework to him never even stopping and getting a quart of milk when he was going home - driving right by the store! I put them all in a 3 lb coffee can and held a ceremony of cleansing. Prayed that I would find the ability to forgive him and also to forgive myself. Then I lit the paper on fire and sang my favorite song (Send in the Clowns).

Like I said previously, yes there are times something pops up but I know that what I cannot control, cannot change, cannot alter in any way, is not my responsibility. You draw that line and let it go. You are not made to be burdened by your past feelings. Whatever he did is on his shoulders and in his soul. Payback comes to us all. IT will come to him too (my ex contracted herpes from his new wife).

Blessings to you!

Quote:

Originally Posted by sapphiremoon

Thank you for your response. This is great advice but doesn't help me in my current situation. These are all things I have already done at the beginning, but now I need to learn how to get past my anger, not distract myself from it. Do you have any other thoughts that might help me?

If your life is so wonderful now why are you still sweating feelings from that long ago? Seems you should be thanking him for letting you go so you could find the wonderful man you have now. Do we have the whole story on why you still are holding on to old feelings or are you scared to move on?

Although I didn't want the divorce at the time, by now I am 500% happier than I was with my ex-husband. We had a very unhealthy relationship filled with his anger and disrespect towards everything in his life, particularly his wife. I'm not sure I can say that I have closure-how do you define closure? If you define it by saying I am glad that part of my life is over and if he showed up on my doorstep begging me to take him back I'd send him away-definitely yes. If you define it by saying I don't think about the past anymore-definitely no.
I never really verbalized how I felt to my ex, because he never would have listened. I verbalized it to God, however, a lot, so I think I'm fairly OK with that part. There are a few things I wish I could say to my ex but I have chosen not to, because I think he would take satisfaction from how I feel. And although we never discussed the explanation (he gave me the standard line, I love you but I'm not in love with you anymore) I think I have a full understanding for why he chose to leave: He had unrealistic expectations for our marriage from the very beginning that I could never live up to, he did not respect me, he hated how I stood up to him when he was angry, and everything that went wrong in our lives was my fault. The final straw was when he met another woman with whom he could imagine his expectations could be met.

Although you're right, shygrneyzs (thank you so much for the resources, I will definitely check them out!), that I needed to wait longer than a year before beginning a new relationship, when I met my new husband we 'clicked' so well together that there was no choice but to be with him. I did a tremendous amount of soul searching before we married because I was really afraid that how wonderful it was came from rebounding. I finally decided to risk it anyway and I still think I made the right decision. It has made my recovery harder but our incredible relationship is more than worth it.

I've gotten past a lot of things, big and small-how my ex put me down in front of others, how he started fights over absolutely everything he didn't like no matter how insignificant it was (we fought constantly about the stupidest things-I never loaded the dishwasher the right way!), how I afraid I was of him and couldn't trust him. How angry he used to get because he could never beat me at board games (I had to let him win to avoid a fight). How he made a pass at my sister and then when she turned him down, he stalked her for 6 months afterwards. (My sister and I, who once were best friends, didn't speak for 5 years because he did this-we didn't start speaking again until after my divorce). Once a total stranger called me to warn me that he was looking for a lover on the internet. I always stayed because I have a firm belief that I made a promise to stay with him for better or for worse and up until the end he always said he wanted to work it out.

talaniman, the only feelings I have left from so long ago is my anger-the rest is long gone! Most of what I am still struggling with my anger over are the things in my life that I lost as a result of the divorce that either I can't get back, or I haven't been able to get back yet.

1. Although my sister and I are on speaking terms again since the divorce and making great progress towards reparing our relationship, there was a period of several years when we were estranged that were extremely difficult for her, and I was not there for her. I can never get that back, and here is a combination of my anger towards him for causing it, and my anger at myself for allowing it to happen.

2. His family was always very nice to me and made me feel part of the family when we were married, but now that we're divorced most of them don't speak to me anymore and of the ones that do, it's just not the same. It feels like half my family died in the divorce too!

3. We had a beautiful house with a large yard that I loved to garden in, and since losing the house I have yet to be able to afford another home with a yard. This is hard because the time I spend in my yard (I've tried gardening in others' yards but it's not the same) is very healing for me so I miss this most of all.

4. We had plans for our future which we had just begun to realize, and in the end when we divorced I ended up in a financial position that set me back years and years from those goals that we had already reached. I'm still struggling with getting back to the same financial position, which leads to the final problem-

5. In those 11 years my ex refused to have children, and now although I still want children desperately (and at 35 I am definitely feeling the alarm going off on my biological clock) now because I feel like I have to choose between children and my other life goals that were once so close (travelling, buying a ranch, having enough for retirement) I am afraid to have children now because it's such a final decision-once you have them you can't take it back. I realize that my fears and choices now aren't my ex's fault, but I still can't seem to forgive him for it.

In all honesty, these things aren't the problem-the only problem that I really have is that I'm still angry about them. After all-everyone has struggles and roadblocks in reaching their life goals. The anger was good at first because it helped motivate me towards improving the things I was upset about, but now all it does is drag me down into depression and poison my outlook on life in general, so it's no longer serving any useful purpose and I need to find a way to get past it.

Wow-that was a lot to say.. funny how it helps just putting it "down on paper"-makes things a bit more clear!

Funny, but I was going to say, here's a blank page. Write all the things you hate and hated about your Ex. After that I may be able to give you a small window into a saner place. There's no miracle cure, but use the page and write them. In order, numerically, all the things (cut and paste from your other responses/post if saves time) and just go as long/far as you want - but give each a number... talk to you later:

Sapphiremoon, you have expressed yourself quite eloquently here. What you are saying is so totally understandable. I am sorry that you didn't have a better lawyer or at least have the anger that you are feeling now, to go after your ex, tooth and nail, for more of the money and the home that you worked so hard to attain.

I have a funny feeling that after writing what you have, you are feeling just a bit lighter than you were before. You are going to continue to have your good days and bad days for a long while. Divorce is akin to a death of sorts. And, losing the love, affection, and support from his family has compounded that ten fold. What you need to reflect upon regarding this part of your anger is that they were a contributing factor to his self-centeredness and his abusive nature. Their pulling their love and attention away from you is proof enough. Please give a lot of thought to the fact that if they were still a part of your life now, your current relationship would never have had the chance to blossom as it has. Sometimes we need to take a step back and really analyze whether having certain people in our lives is truly a help or a hindrance. I believe their involvement would have been a major hindrance to your rebuilding your life.

I know you are aware of the fact that what this man did to you is abuse you emotionally and, so thoroughly, that you were not mentally in a position to fight him when you needed to. I know you are angry with him, but I am wondering how angry you are with yourself too. It sounds like you need to start forgiving yourself for allowing him to do this to you.
Please give that a bit of thought before you dismiss it. Do a little soul searching on that.
We all make mistakes to some degree or another. You made a mistake putting your trust in this man. And, as a result of that, you have found yourself at this point in your life, starting all over again. You have lost precious time that you cannot get back. It is very normal to feel anger over that, and you need to fully realize the entire depth and breath of that anger before you can begin healing yourself.

I think Shy absolutely had the right idea. But, I don't think actually sending him a letter is completely the way to go. Ash123 hit on this concept as well.

I think you need to start keeping a journal, maybe labeling it with something like, " I Hate ________ (insert his name)." Then just start writing. Get everything out as much as you can. Every day for the next couple of weeks, write in this journal, any and every thought that you have. After a couple of weeks, put the journal away for a few days or a week. Then again, pull it out, reread it, and keep writing all the angry thoughts, feelings, and losses that you feel. Keep doing this, on and off routine for a few months. You may want to continue this for longer than that. Just remember that you were in that relationship and marriage for many, many years. It is going to take a long time for you to be able to put it behind you.

I can guarantee you, that after a while, when you reread what you have written, you will see that you are not only angry with him, but angry with yourself as well. When you can fully see this, that is when you can truly start to heal yourself of the anger and you may want to search out a new therapist to help guide you on how to accomplish this fully.

I am sure Shy and a few others will stop by and weigh in on this for you. I am glad you came back and responded as you did. The more info we have, the better we can help you think things through and get you where you need to be emotionally.

Guilt and a sense of loss are NORMAL.
Just because someone was abusive did not mean that you did not adapt to it to create a sense of place.
It's kind of like building a home on an active volcano. It will never last, but until then you can live in denial.
And why not? There's cable Tv and food in the fridge.

But now you are going onto something much GREATER. You have work to do, but the high that comes from healing (see also why people get so many piercings) is a high you may not expect. The Key is to do it right. Otherwise, no healing. No progress.
Lots of depression. Som ideas below and a suggestion to find a GOOD therapist. Ask your General Physician.

OK, here's the thing. You were in love OK. It's OK. But you were in love with potential. Your brain was finding ways to survive amid toxic love: It's adaptation.

Now it's time to get high on the good stuff - like your husband and good energy and good people.
Write down what you hated.
writing all this down will allow you to see there is an END.
Even if it number 99999.
There is an END. That is why it is a good idea to write it down. BUT writing is also not a total solution because BURYING all thoughts in a journal is only 1/2 the battle. You need to voice these things. A therapist would allow you to voice these things TO your spuse Through them... you need to say these things. And acknowledge the ABUSE. Your abuse may have felt like LOVE to you! So BEWARE! That's why we get help... our brains get confused... we want to move on, but hate is close to love in its passion.

your goal is INDIFFERENCE.

to get there, you need to work hard. You married too quickly, but all is not lost if you make it clear that your love is real and to give 100% you need to tackle these demons. So, keep writing and keep TALKING!

Now, for your list. Each thing you listed illustrates lack of empowerment.
They hurt because your life was not yours. The good news is that is all in the past.
And you are in charge of the present more than you know!

(re: list - One day just toss it out when you want)

***One place I differ a bit from some others I've read is that I would NOT send your EX any notes. I think writing a letter is very therapeutic. And beckons feelings to come out. But, I would keep it or toss it as your mind clears. This is about you now, not him.

1. re: sister - there is a combination of my anger towards him for causing it, and my anger.

YOU FEEL HURT BECAUSE YOUR LOVE WAS REJECTED. YOU STILL HAVE UNREQUITED LOVE. IT KILLS YOU THAT YOU ARE SEEKING IT. YOU FEEL YOUR SISTER WAS AN ACCOMPLICE. YOU WERE DOUBLY REJECTED.

*REJECTION IS BEATEN WITH THE REALIZATION THAT IF SOMEONE IS INTERRUPTING YOUR PEACE, YOU WOULD HAVE REJECTED THEM LATER ANYWAY. THEY DID YOU A FAVOR.

AS LONG AS YOUR EGO CAN MOVE ON TO A LOVE OF SELF... LOVE THY SELF!! THE MORE YOU DO, THE MORE FUN LIFE BECOMES. IF YOU WANT TO WEAR A PINK HAT... DO IT. PEOPLE LOVE PEOPLE THAT LOVE THEMSELVES... THEY SEND A SIGNAL THAT THEY ARE WORTH PURSUING AND THEY HAVE LOVE TO SHARE.

2. It feels like half my family died in the divorce too!

THIS IS 100% NORMAL. TALK TO OTHER DIVORCED WOMEN. THE GOOD NEWS IS WE FIND NEW RITUALS WE VALUE. WE ARE ALL CREATURES OF HABIT. EVEN IF IT'S ABUSE - SCARY HUH? BUY A CALENDAR. EACH DAY IS A STEP TOWARDS HEALTH - ONCE TRUE SEPARATIONS HAS OCCURRED. SOON LIFE WILL BE A LOT DIFFERENT. SCRIBBLE A FEELING AT THE BOTTOM EACH MONTH WITH AN EMOTION IF YOU WANT. 12MTHS FROM NOW YOU'LL SEE IT'S CHANGED!

3. We had plans for our future which we had just begun to realize.

THIS IS 100% NORMAL. EVEN IF ABUSED, YOU WERE WORKING WITHIN THAT TO GO ON.
AS YOU WORK TO RESTART, THOSE PLANS WILL TAKE OVER, BUT BE PATIENT. IT DOES NOT HAPPEN OVERNIGHT. KNOWING THAT SHOULD HELP BRING PEACE. THERE IS TIME. YOU ARE NOT AN INSECT WITH A 48 HOUR LIFESPAN - YOU HAVE YEARS TO ENJOY BEING HUMAN... NOT EVERY SECOND IS Going to BE FUN. RIGHT NOW IT'S A NEW BEGINNING... FIND ONE THING THAT MAKES YU HAPPY AND KNOW IT IS THERE EACH DAY. A BOOK, SPOUSE DINNER, A WALK, A DVD, A SONG... THAT'S ENOUGH FOR NOW.

4. I still want children desperately.

IF YOU REALLY DO. AND MAKE SURE IT'S NOT FOR IDEALIZED REASONS... YOU CAN.
WOMEN CONCEIVE INTO THEIR 40'S NOW. RELAX. GIVE YOURSELF A BREAK.

PARDON THE ALL CAPS.
ONCE I GOT STARTED I DIDN'T SWITCH OFF.

Enjoy your day... some part of it enjoyed is a victory... a few minutes is enough... ask around for a good therapist. And be goal focused. You don't need a crutch. You need a several month plan to reach a place where you can take it from there.

I think you've spent enough time and energy trying to force yourself to feel resolved and OK with this. The thing is, it was not OK and will never become OK. He is out of your life, so your problem is solved. I suggest you focus on learning to embrace your new life, and let go. When thoughts of your ex come to mind, check yourself and think of something else - your new spouse, your children, your job, your upcoming vacation or whatever.

Maybe later you can revisit this issue with a fresh perspective but it sounds like your self-searching has descended into self-abuse and wallowing, to the great detriment of your health and your new marriage.

If you could have made sense out of it,you would not be divorced. Remember that. You can't fix it, so you did the next best thing and moved on. You are good enough, and you deserve a new opportunity to move forward.

A few small additions to everyone else's good advice:

Quote:

Originally Posted by sapphiremoon

3. We had a beautiful house with a large yard that I loved to garden in, and since losing the house I have yet to be able to afford another home with a yard. This is hard because the time I spend in my yard (I've tried gardening in others' yards but it's not the same) is very healing for me so I miss this most of all.

Are there any community gardens where you live? For years before we had a house with a yard we gardened in community gardens. It's really your space, not someone's else's yard. Even if it's not as plush as what you had before, I bet you could get a lot of joy out of it (not to mention a lot of vegetables).

Quote:

5. In those 11 years my ex refused to have children, and now although I still want children desperately (and at 35 I am definitely feeling the alarm going off on my biological clock) now because I feel like I have to choose between children and my other life goals that were once so close (travelling, buying a ranch, having enough for retirement)

That's a doozy. I probably should say "search your soul" but this is an advice forum, right? So I say: have the kids. There will be time to travel, even time to buy a ranch. You can still work on saving for retirement. If you don't do it now it will only get harder, biologically speaking. What would you rather regret, a ranch/European vacation or a family?

I am in a similar position and have decided to go for it. I see many women in their early 40s struggling to get pregnant and it's heartbreaking. Do it now, work out the details later.

I think once you're moving definitively towards something you want -- something you couldn't have with your ex -- you'll be more in the moment, and less engrossed in your old anger and regrets.

Personally I think you've done splendidly... you've traded money and a yard for love and a family. An excellent trade!

I wish you all the best.

Sapphiremoon,

I know what it feels like to hold that anger in the pit of your stomach until you think you might be sick. I divorced my husband (my choice) three years ago. I have since remarried and life is much happier now. Even though I filed for divorce I held him accountable entirely for the dissolution of our marriage. It took a long time to accept that I had played a part in it too. Even worse, we share a child so I will never just be "rid" of him. I took my daughter to therapy to help her cope with the divorce. In taking her, I often had to speak with the therapist before she would. It really helped me. She guided me to get focused on my own life. She told me to avoid speaking to my ex when it wasn't necessary, and she said whenever I began to think about all the things he had done that made me angry I was to get up and do something outside or in another room immediately. (Distracting myself I suppose.) I have learned this much, I do not like my ex, we will never be friends. I can maintain a polite, civil composure for my child's sake. I can not undo or change the past, and reliving it will only ruin my future. Did you know that 60% of remarriages fail due to baggage from the previous marriage? (That stat was thrown at me during mandatory parent counseling classes divorcing parents must attend where I live.) Think about the implications that imposes on your situation.
As for losing half of your family, I know what that feels like too. I lost the only 'father' I'd ever had, and a step daughter whom I still love very much. In the classes I had to take, they discuss all of these things and explain it is a grieving process, the same type you'd go through if someone died. If you feel you have done all you can, I can only suggest therpy and counseling. In the end, you HAVE to let go of that anger, or it will poison everything good in your life.