Ask Me Help Desk - I'm so sad my daughter is pregnant at 14

I can't even begin to describe the sadness I feel. I'm so broken hearted, my 14 yr.old daughter is pregnant. The kid is 17 and in 10th grade. How could this happen? Why wasn't she smarter than this? After everything we instilled in her she still allowed this to happen to her. I told her she would have to have an abortion, she told me no and that she was keeping the baby. She said there was no way I would be able to make her do it. I'm so hurt by her-where is my little girl? Her father is extremely upset, as is my family. I just been crying thinking about the path her life will take now. What will become of her?

I know the shock, the guilt, the remorse, it's all painful. But, you and your family do what we all do when we are faced with adversity - we make the best of it.

This isn't a statement of your parenting skills. Kids are growing up faster and faster every day. Good parents HOPE that they instill in their children good morals and the good sense they *think* God gave them, but, in the end, they are just human like all of us.

She thinks she is an adult now, so make sure she is treated like one. Do not become her "free daycare", certainly, she will need your support, but your support should be given with caveats: (1) She finishes High School; (2) She goes to college; (3) She works her butt off to pay for her new child.

(Of course, the caveats are just suggestions. But, my point is, you take this situation by the reins, and show her what being a good ADULT mother is all about. I wish you and your family well.

It is NOT the end of the world.

Agreed with everything Cliff said.
I also want to make sure you do NOT communicate to her that she is not smart because she became pregnant. Having sex and becoming pregnant at 14 is not a very smart CHOICE. But that does NOT make HER stupid. Stupid choice does not equal stupid person. She made a choice, and she needs to live with that choice, and make her future decisions based on that choice. (adoption, abortion, or raise the child with help)

In my honest opinion (this is just MY opinion mind you) I see no reason that if my child got pregnant at 14, I would not help her to raise the child if that is what she truly wanted.

It does not seem to be something you would want (sorry if my assumption is incorrect)

What you need to keep in mind also, is once a girl becomes pregnant, reproductive rights means that you no longer have a say in what she does with that pregnancy. She can go to a clinic and have an abortion without you, she can give the baby up for adoption without you. She can have the baby without your permission. She can leave your home and go to a teen halfway house or shelter without you.

Something that many mothers forget, and I try to remind them, is that at some points in life, you cannot control it. And if you do not want to lose your daughter (and your grandchild) forever, you can't continue to be the controlling parent who is 'trying to ruin her life' (a teens words not mine lol)

Its late, and I hope I didn't ramble too much! Good luck!

As heart broken and shocked as you are, when the dust settles she is still your little girl, despite the big mistake she has made. She still has to be loved and supported for the child she still is.

You and da better talk, and get on the same page and decide that you all will deal with this. Its tough, I feel your pain, but there is much more she will have to learn, so don't give up on her, or her child. Guide from love not anger or frustration, and I think you will.

And make damn sure the father pays his share of child support.

And yes, being a kid now doesn't get him off the hook. Nor should it. Its going to be mighty expensive to raise that child.

What will become of her?? That will depend upon the skills she has, the values she carries and the love and support she feels over the next few years. Do me a favour and read my profile. You see, I was a teen mom. My parents were "upper middle class" at the time and we had a GREAT relationship. They were loving, dependable, involved (but not overly) in the community, school and their kids. I KNEW everything I needed to know about sex, pregnancy, etc. I was an Honours student who wanted to go to University to become a veterinarian. However, emotions took me onto a much different path. For years my parents blamed themselves. It truly had nothing to do with them. For years my siblings suffered because my parents went through stages of being emotionally unavailable, being hurt, being angry, etc... all the stages of loss. They changed up their parenting style for awhile.

My parents first sought to educate me on my options. My boyfriend and I went to a few counseling sessions where we learned about our differences in beliefs and parenting styles. We learned how to communicate and work through differences. We learned about child rearing after a baby is no longer a baby. My parents also took me to a doctor that would perform an abortion if I decided to go that route (bad move in my situation but possibly the right one in another). They discussed adoption and offered us the ability to discuss that with someone if we wanted to. We discussed living on our own together, living apart on our own, my living with my parents without the father, etc. They ensured I had immediate and proper medical attention, vitamins and food. However, my mother cried all the time because she was so lost in her sorrow. My Dad became a bit closed. He was lost inside himself and didn't know how to express himself without pain or anger, I suppose. Regardless, I carried so much guilt for messing up their lives that I jumped at the first opportunity to leave home in anger. I ran from the pain and convinced myself that I was being mature, smart and independent.

Through the years I felt like a failure most of the time. I hurt my parents and my siblings to the core. My children suffered because their father was not a good person to me or them. I did reconnect with my family just before my first child was born but the relationship I craved to return to was lost. They were loving and supportive for sure, but now was my turn to carry guilt. I stayed with an abusive man who wouldn't work and support his family for 5 1/2 years. By the time I was 17 I had 2 children, one of them special needs. I was a single mom at 21/22. I worked, went to school, made some great decisions and some really bad ones.

My parents learned a lot from the experience, despite the pain and anger. I know it almost killed them both in many ways. For example, my father tells me now that he is thankful for the experience because he learned that if he could get through that kind of pain he could get through anything. When his father passed away many years later he got through it because he knew he could. For many years I carried guilt, shame and sadness. Being a single mom was hard. I worked 2, 3 and sometimes 4 jobs at a time to support my family. At one point I went to school days and worked nights. During that period I took in people's laundry, groomed dogs and cats, did people's income tax and a number of other little jobs I could do at home on the weekends. I took summers off to spend quality time with my kids while they were off school. I did the best I could at everything I did.

I graduated College with Honours despite having majory surgery for 2 pre-cancerous conditions and missing 8 weeks of school. I was strong - I did it all on my own from when my kids were 4 & 5 until they were in their mid-teens. For many, many years I felt so bad because I felt I hadn't accomplished much in life. However, now that I am more able to look back at my life (and believe me, there is much more that isn't in my profile) I see that I made a very, very good life for myself. You see, I know that I have made a substantial (good) difference in many lives over the years. I am now able to ojectively see so many accomplishments I have made and experiences I have shared with others over the years.

Did I live the life my parents would have wanted for me? No. Are my parents now proud of me? Yes. Have I helped others? Yes. Was I a good parent? Yes. I can honestly look back at my life and say "Wow! You have really accomplished a lot and touched so many lives through the years. Good job!" So, I say to you... will things be tough now that your daughter is pregnant? Of course it will be. You will NOT lose your little girl but you will have the opportunity to gain a strong-willed, independent woman who will need to know it's okay to lean on you a little while maintaining her independence.

Communicate well with your husband. Give each other the strength to get through this together. Then, resolve to be there united for your daughter. Talk to her, listen to her, love her no matter what. Make it easy for her to come to you for advice or strength when she feels she just can't handle another thing on her own. Then stand her back up and guide her to making the best decisions for HER. All the rest will fall into place. As time goes on you will look back upon these times as just another bump in the road of life. These things DO prepare us for more difficult times. Don't let it paralyze you. Don't let it destroy your relationship because she will need you always.

If you feel you can't do it get help for yourself to carry you through. Believe me, as long as you love and respect her and maintain open communication between you all, it will work out. I promise! I don't know if you are spiritual or not, but if so believe this - your daughter is taking a path that was already chosen for her. At some point it will become evident why she was chosen for that path. In the meantime she will need you to continue to be her parent and guide her into becoming the woman she will later beomce. Embrace her because more than anything she will have the need to feel more loved now than ever before. That doesn't mean that you should take over, make decisions for her or the baby, look after her, etc. Step back and take your decisions slowly with much communication so that everything you do is done with the best interests of your daughter in the back of your mind... while still taking care of you. "Attack" everything with love and an empathetic heart.

Best of luck to you all.

Hugs, Didi

You know, nature hard wires kids with sexual hormones at a very young age. Then society says this is bad, and you must wait. This is a very, very difficult situation and some kids are just more influenced by those raging hormones. If you need something to be mad at, be mad at nature for programing your child with irresistible urges before her mind is old enough to make responsible choices.

I understand your shock, it is a blow. But you know what? Its over now, she is pregnant. You might as well get your head around this as soon as possible, and begin to look at the other side of the coin. You will have a new life in your life. You will be a grand mother. You will have the miracle of birth in your life once again. When that child turns 1 year old, and you look back on life, would you un-create him if you could? Of course not, you will be fully in love with that child, as your own child is.

Catch your breath - get your mind right - then embrace

Baboo Says - A Kids Manual For Life

Don't let her keep it. You're the adult with more experience and know better than she does. She'll understand later and most likely thank you for it. She's a little girl, and I would go have a long chit chat with that boys parents and make the family pay child support if he's a minor or has anything. Men don't get to walk free, no matter how old he is. You can still make her give it up for adoption. She's a minor without a choice on that one. I would suggest an open adoption so she can still see her baby and there's less hard feelings.
If he's 17 now in a year or less he will be responsible pay the support on his own. I hope She's telling the truth about his age. Maybe you should talk to him and scare the living... out of him. If I were a mom Id be so mean to the boy and very angry with him. That Boy would be dealing with me. What an Idiot he is.
This could have been avoided.

Quote:

Originally Posted by MSPGY

Don't let her keep it. Your the adult with more experience and know better than she does. She'll understand later and most likely thank you for it. She's a little girl, and I would go have a long chit chat with that boys parents and make the family pay child support if he's a minor or has anything. Men don't get to walk free, no matter how old he is. You can still make her give it up for adoption. She's a minor without a choice on that one. I would suggest an open adoption so she can still see her baby and there's less hard feelings.
If he's 17 now in a year or less he will be responsible pay the support on his own. I hope She's telling the truth about his age. Maybe you should talk to him and scare the living .... out of him. If I were a mom Id be so mean to the boy and very angry with him. That Boy would be dealing with me. What an Idiot he is.
This could have been avoided.

Your advice is wrong or bad on several levels.

First, the OP has no choice as to what her daughter does with the child. She can't force her to abort it or give it up for adoption. You are totally wrong in saying "She's a minor without a choice on that one.". The actual law is just the opposite.

Secondly, the father will be involved in the OP's and her grandchild's life for the rest of their lives. Being mean to him is not, In my opinion, the answer. Making the best of the situation is a better option.

Quote:

Originally Posted by MSPGY

Don't let her keep it. Your the adult with more experience and know better than she does. She'll understand later and most likely thank you for it. She's a little girl, and I would go have a long chit chat with that boys parents and make the family pay child support if he's a minor or has anything. Men don't get to walk free, no matter how old he is. You can still make her give it up for adoption. She's a minor without a choice on that one. I would suggest an open adoption so she can still see her baby and there's less hard feelings.
If he's 17 now in a year or less he will be responsible pay the support on his own. I hope She's telling the truth about his age. Maybe you should talk to him and scare the living .... out of him. If I were a mom Id be so mean to the boy and very angry with him. That Boy would be dealing with me. What an Idiot he is.
This could have been avoided.

Where are you reading this legal "advice"? The parents can't "make" the daughter put the child up for adoption. The boy's parents can't be forced to pay child support.

Give "it" up for adoption? That's insulting in its own right.

And, yes, I believe you would "so mean" to the boy. And if you "deal" with him you could very well also be "dealing" with the Police.

We all have already figured out that "this" could have been avoided.