My sweet sweet grandma, who was like my mother died on March 31st. No warning. We had gone shopping 2 days before. She was in decent health and was only 72. It has been 9 months and while I can go on with my daily life my heart aches so bad. To the point where I try not to think of her at all. I still pick up the phone to call her. We talked every day. I keep her robe in a plastic bag by my bed and smell it periodically. Instead of being happy at my children's birthday parties this year I was sad and felt lost without her there. She was the glue in my family. Christmas was miserable without her although no one knew I felt that way. Now I found out I'm pregnant and while my husband and I are overjoyed I am devastated and feel guilty that she won't know this baby. I look at our 18 month old who was 9 months when she died and think he will never remember her. It makes me sick. My chest literally aches. I don't let my feeling affect my daily life and only those very close know I'm still having a horrible time. But when will it get better? When will I be able to think of her and smile instead of immediately trying to block the thoughts out. Her birthday is Feb. 4th. I just want to skip that day. We would've spent it together as we have for the last 29 years. Everything, every day makes me think of her. My heart just hurts. I'm tired of every joyful moment in my life being overridden by sadness. Thank you for your thoughts.