At first we had a great sex life, but it only lasted about 3 months. Life happened & there were many stressful things that kept our sex life close to non-existent. At one point we went 4 months without sex. All the drama seemed to right itself after 18 mod but our sexlife has not returned. We've been together almost 2 years (22mos) and it seems now that he needs porn to even get in the mood. I have no problem with porn, but when I overheard that he was on a chatroom, I did say I disapproved of that. Then when we had the 4 month dry spell, & I thought he was cheating I found another chat room on his laptop. When I brought it up, the only conversation (argument) was that I was invading his privacy. When I found it again, he said he was trying to "get back into sex", but still got angry, said there was more to a relationship than sex, said I was a sex addict & just wanted to be F&**Ked, & other nasty things. Further snooping has revealed that he now watches porn & chats 2-3 times a week. When asked about it, he lies & says "all guys look at porn" & I'm stupid. Meanwhile, we've only had sex 9 times in 2010 & I haven't had oral sex in 18 months or more! How do I talk to him about this? I don't want to be invading his privacy, but I am hurt that porn is getting way more attention than me. I am sensitive that he may have issues, and have gone through the past year giving him oral sex, hoping he will return it. He doesn't have a problem getting an erection. If he orgasms before me, he doesn't even take the time to pleasure me (finish the job) even with his hands. Also, since this crisis occurred, 18 months ago, we've only had sex one way, with no creativity at all. I feel like I missed the entire beginning of our relationship. I used to be confident and felt sexy & good about myself. Now I compare myself to porn chicks & think, "I wouldn't want me either, much less have oral sex with me" every time I look in the mirror. I even won oral sex on a bet 3 months ago & still can't get the payoff. Any mention of the subject, means I'm putting pressure on him & I'm sure to not have sex for at least 3 more weeks, not mentioning it makes me feel uglier everyday. HELP PLEASE!

I don't know that the word "tragic" describes your sex life. Maybe sad, maybe frustrating.

In some respects I agree with him - you were (and apparently are) snooping.

It seems like the more pressure you put on him the less responsive he is. What if you saying nothing, don't mention it, leave him alone about your sex life and see what happens? Nagging him isn't working. Maybe that would.

If porn or chat rooms or something else is taking the place of sex you have to sit down calmly and ask him why.

What was the crisis that tore your relationship apart? Are you certain he isn't stressed, ill, using drugs, something else?

As far as comparing yourself to porn chicks - you are you and right there in front of his eyes. They are fantasy babes - usually with a ton of plastic surgery. Be very careful not to let this problem destroy yourself image. I know it can... but you can't really compare yourself to anybody.

When I left him alone about it, didn't say a word, there was no action at all. The first two times I discovered it, I wsn't snooping at all, I just borrowed his laptop & there it was! Didn't even bother to close the page, I didn't start snooping until the 4 month lapse. What happened to our sex life was his 16 year old moved in with us... not easy. But she has now moved in with her mother & things haven't changed. When I sit down calmly & ask him why, he denies it, lies, says someone else has taken his information & is doing it. I know this is a lie because I can see that he's been to those sites.

Just to see if I have this straight: By three months into your relationship, you were living together and already having an issue with chat rooms (porn is a different matter), then his teenage daughter lives with you for four months. After she moves out, sex is still non-existent except for you giving him oral sex, you are resorting to looking through his personal items for evidence of porn and chat rooms, he is aggressively defensive about his behavior, and he doesn't try to give you any physical attention at all.

The warning sign that is blaring for me is that your relationship moved way too fast. You don't seem to have taken time to really get to know each other and what your personal patterns and behaviors are like over time. You kind of skipped over giving yourselves time to go from hot new romance to steady dating and dealing with stresses while still having separate places to live.

I highly doubt he started going to chat rooms after you got together. I would almost bet it was part of his 'sexual behavior' for a very long time. Perhaps even before breaking up/divorcing his daughter's mother.

You don't say what the rest of your relationship is like, but I am guessing roommates and he does just enough to keep you from getting fully frustrated and walking out. Either that or he is the perfect roommate who does everything and then some so that you are left feeling like you are asking too much to expect him to be a part of taking care of your sexual needs.

Don't compare yourself to porn actresses. It is as futile as comparing yourself to mainstream actresses or the woman in the supermarket. You are a beautiful and unique person who may be in the wrong relationship for her. If you are honest with yourself, has this relationship lasted longer than it should have? Is there really anything other than maybe pride or false hope keeping you there?

Why stay with someone who doesn't seem to have the same feelings you want to believe you have for him?

Ok so if Im reading this correctly the relationship moved pretty fast. Not saying that is a bad thing because me and my husband were married after being together for only 5 months and we are still together and have been together for a while. I am simply suggesting that maybe you two did not get to know one another good enough before moving farther into yalls relationship. I am thinking that the porn and chatrooms started before yalls relationship and he has just managed to keep them a secret until now. I personally think he is wanting out of the relationshop. I may be wrong and I don't want to be the one to tell you to leave him because that is completely up to you but it seems like you deserve better. He should not talk bad to you because you want to have sex. Sex is a natura thing. I deffaintly don't like the fact that he tells you that you are stupid. That is degrading. I would tell him that he can either talk to you about these situations like an adult or that the relationship is going no where.

That's not right... I was in a similar situation where my wife was acting the same way but she was cheating on me with her ex and many other men.. Get out of this relationship before its too late.. 2 years is too late... More than any other answer on this thread go by your instinct... Instincts can't be wrong...

I agree with you all that we moved way too fast. The only reason I haven't left is that it's my house & I have to kick him out & although he threatens to leave every time we argue about this, he doesn't. I told him, the next time he threatens, to just do it & that stopped. He has no where really to go. The other day I was almost home & he called, I didn't answer & I got home, he's in the bathroom watching porn, I assume jerking off. He doesn't know I know. Again, he'd know I can see what he searches on the net & he swears he isn't jerking to porn, but I think he is. I think porn is replacing me. & yes, I have evidence that he was into porn before me, just kept it a secret until now. If I look back through the history, he didn't need porn when we first got together, but started up again last summer. As far as cheating, I feel like I'm being cheated on, even if it is with the internet & his own hand. I followed tracy90s advice on Friday & said we had to talk like adults, I ended up crying & said I felt broken, he couldn't even comfort me, touch me, yelled about how he can never do anything with his friends, etc (which is all he does, is have his friends over). I haven't had sex in 6 weeks & he's yanked to porn (my assumption on the yanking) 3 times this week (know he's watched youporn). If I bring it up "I'm starting with him". No make up sex, never ever in this relationship, now he's too upset to have sex, he must be happy to have sex so I'm probably cut off for a while. Last night we watched movies, played board games, had some fun, but nothing, like you said, room mates.