I really need some help. I am engaged to be married later in the summer. I love my fiancé more than anything, but his jealousy is driving me crazy. My fiancé and I actually met in a bar, and now when I even mention going to a bar, he flips out. He even threatens that if I go, he won't be there when I get back. Even if I ask him to go alone, he says he doesn't want to see other guys looking at me, and I shouldn't go. So I don't, to avoid another fight. He won't even let me go to the gym by myself. I have to go with my best friend. I love her to death, but I would like to go to the gym by myself. He is just delusionly jealous. I have tried everything. I told him how important it was that her trust me. I have explained how badly it hurts me, and even my fear that it will drive us apart. I have tried to tell him that his jealousy is making me feel suffocated, and he says it wouldn't bother me if I didn't want anyone else. I have never cheated on him or lied to him. I actually feel like I am on a leash because I tell him my every move. I have talked to him about it until I am blue in the face, and nothing has helped. We have now been together for two years, and I keep hoping that he will trust me, but I am beginning to lose hope. I could really use some advice to help save relationship.

M-rae:
Question: How would you descibe your relationship? Respectful? Do you learn from each other and make eachother's lives better? There is a chance here that he found you very sexy and proposed but did not think way beyond that. I may be wrong, but it sounds like your relationship pyramid is 1) sex - your looks/your dress 2) his needs 3) his dreams 4) your dreams. Do you have a job? Is it one with opportunity for advancement? You need to forge an identity that he can see beyond the physical.. but again, I need more info. How do you dress? Sexy? Conservative? Clearly you must get to a "higher" place as a couple. Did something happen with a past relationship that he knows about? Is he nervous it will repeat..

What he is doing is conjuring up potential trouble in his mind and reacting to it as if its real. You are right to call this delusional -- it is. Jealousy was once described to me in therapy as the "disease of perceived loss" that isn't occurring but it usually triggers some old real loss the person never dealt with. Typically for people with jealousy problems, they get worse as intimacy increases-- baffling the people they are with. Its not that the odds, for example only, of you cheating increase, in fact they decrease. But his ability to cope with the loss should you cheat decreases as he cares more and more for you -- do you follow that? It's a converse relationship so this tends to get worse over time. Where this may go could be devastating.

I would suggest you take a lovingly firm stance sooner rather than later since you see this as serious (and I do too). Let him know that you care about him and that this needs some work to overcome. Don't be shy about it has to be worked on or the relationship is in jeopardy (it is anyway, I think and getting help is how it becomes not in jeopardy). Offer to help him find someone to see and to go with him initially. Its hurting him as much as its hurting you and no one deserves that!

Melinda, Red flags are waving all over the place, You are getting a small preview of what life will be with this fellow, and you will have no excuses after you marry him if your life is miserable. You can see the problems coming as he will control you and you will have no freedom, and this is only a taste as the years pass, the frustration will get much worse. You have problems to work out before you get married and must do so now or else you will have no one to blame for your misery but YOU. You expecting him to change after you marry him is... unrealistic is the nicest word I could think of, so take heed, you are in danger unless he gets plenty of help, before you marry him. This situation is not healthy for either of you.

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Originally Posted by melinda_rae

I really need some help. I am engaged to be married later in the summer. I love my fiance more than anything, but his jealousy is driving me crazy. My fiance and I actually met in a bar, and now when I even mention going to a bar, he flips out. He even threatens that if I go, he won't be there when I get back. Even if I ask him to go alone, he says he doesn't want to see other guys looking at me, and I shouldn't go. So I don't, to avoid another fight. He won't even let me go to the gym by myself. I have to go with my best friend. I love her to death, but I would like to go to the gym by myself. He is just delusionly jealous. I have tried everything. I told him how important it was that her trust me. I have explained how badly it hurts me, and even my fear that it will drive us apart. I have tried to tell him that his jealousy is making me feel suffocated, and he says it wouldn't bother me if I didn't want anyone else. I have never cheated on him or lied to him. I actually feel like I am on a leash because I tell him my every move. I have talked to him about it until I am blue in the face, and nothing has helped. We have now been together for two years, and I keep hoping that he will trust me, but I am beginning to lose hope. I could really use some advice to help save relationship.

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Well I feel as though he really do care about you but he must be scared someone else is going to take you from him but you need to sit down and tell him that he needs to trust you and that you scared that if there's no trust in the relationship than it just might not work.

When he threatens you like you stated, walk out to do what you were going to do. It is not your responsibility what he does and not your fault if he leaves. You have been with him two years now and it is just as bad today as it was two years ago. The relationship cannot survive long term. I worry that his jealousy and need for micro management will someday bring physical harm to you. He will get that out of control.

I hope you read carefully the other posters - they are all right on target.

Take a look at my previous questions when you get a chance...
It will allow for insight into this as a small/large/simple/pedestrian/psychological/societal issue... :-)
And to get you a solution.
Your past and his in terms of relationships and what you know respectively
Is important to understanding this. For now, hope bar time is one of many times you share

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Originally Posted by melinda_rae

I really need some help. I am engaged to be married later in the summer. I love my fiance more than anything, but his jealousy is driving me crazy. My fiance and I actually met in a bar, and now when I even mention going to a bar, he flips out. He even threatens that if I go, he won't be there when I get back. Even if I ask him to go alone, he says he doesn't want to see other guys looking at me, and I shouldn't go. So I don't, to avoid another fight. He won't even let me go to the gym by myself. I have to go with my best friend. I love her to death, but I would like to go to the gym by myself. He is just delusionly jealous. I have tried everything. I told him how important it was that her trust me. I have explained how badly it hurts me, and even my fear that it will drive us apart. I have tried to tell him that his jealousy is making me feel suffocated, and he says it wouldn't bother me if I didn't want anyone else. I have never cheated on him or lied to him. I actually feel like I am on a leash because I tell him my every move. I have talked to him about it until I am blue in the face, and nothing has helped. We have now been together for two years, and I keep hoping that he will trust me, but I am beginning to lose hope. I could really use some advice to help save relationship.

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I can say I was in a relationship like the one you are describing. I say, leave while you have time. Things are not going to change. The guy is hugely insecure and will try and keep you on a short leash because of his insecurities. That's not love - love isn't suppose to hurt. He needs to get help before anything can ever happen between the two of you and it sounds like he is so busy keeping track of you and your activities that he forgot about having any of his own. One road, one trail, one journey - that's all you get. You have to learn not to waste time. I see that you are already letting him control what you do. Ask yourself what life will be like in five years of marriage. He will definitely want children because they keep you home and form a life long attachment. Just be careful.