Ask Me Help Desk - Meddling, micromanaging mother-in-law

Since my husband and I were engaged (and some before) my mother-in-law has meddled in and attempted to micromanage details of our lives. She (not a Christian) called my house of worship a "__ing church" when she thought we were getting married in a church. She criticized the invitations, registry items and other details of our wedding, which she did not pay for. We let her have her way on the church issue and I have regretted not having confronted her then and since. She has been condescending, rude and hurtful, often in my own home. When visiting (I brought my daughter to visit with her and her mother) she invited me to watch a commedian, Bill Maher (I was unfamiliar with him at the time). He could not have been more offensive to my religion and she sat there laughing at his jokes with no concern that it would offend me. My husband and his father do not appreciate her constant criticism, but deal with it by ignoring it for a time and then, when they cannot take it anymore, unleash their fury. Ultimately, she forgives them, but forgiveness that is extended to husbands and children is rarely extended to daughters-in-law. My husband wants me to also ignore her, but never unleash my own fury, which is what I have attempted to do over the years and is clearly not working. After ten years of marriage, I am sick of being told what activities she thinks my daughter should be involved in (without any concern for our finances), to check the copious amounts of email she sends (at times are offensive), and basically being treated like one of her students, figuratively shaking her finger at me about what I need to do here and there (the incessant "I think you need to ..."). I don't enjoy Thanksgiving or Christmas anymore. Her behavior at times has been quite appalling and my attempts to deal with it peacefully leave me feeling like a doormat without any improvement in the situation. She has humiliated me in my own home at times in ways she thought I didn't catch on, bringing me to tears. She once verbally ripped me up over the phone (supposedly directed at both my husband and me) over not calling to check on her ill mother when all efforts for her mother on our behalf are on my part, not my husband's. She is constantly contradicting even little details, even when she is wrong, insisting she is right. She never admits wrongdoing and NEVER apologizes. Things, like the wedding fiasco, are allowed to blow over so she never has to say she is sorry. I have done some research on what the Bible says about this, but one site seems to suggest that 1) I continue to be a doormat by making peace, yielding and seeing her as better than myself (Philippians 2:3, James 3:17-18 2) walk away to avoid confrontation, to which she finds some reason to be offended by my absenting myself for a Starbucks latte. My husband and I are discussing several options for dealing with this because it has become intolerable for me. We have considered him having a talk with her or me becoming more assertive and up-front, but kind. Any suggestions?

The larger issue appears to be that your husband either didn't agree with you or refused to stand up for you back during the wedding planning phase of things. It's really counterproductive for a daughter-in-law to be confrontational with her husband's mother. It's his mother, and it's his job to set the tone. Things should not be "allowed to blow over" at your expense. Your husband married YOU. That makes you and he and your daughter his family now. He needs to defend that unity even if it means spending less time with Mom. It sounds as if she disapproves of your religious beliefs, and she has that right. She does NOT have the right to constantly pick at you, be rude and thoughtless, and write it all off without any repercussions.

If you feel offended by something she is saying or doing, that's the moment for you to simply say that you don't like whatever it is. But let me also caution you that being overly-sensitive about things like belief systems isn't going to help matters. It shouldn't matter too much what she feels about your religion as long as her beliefs aren't somehow hindering your child-rearing or your marriage from complete success. Get your hubby involved NOW, and insist that he stick to a plan that you and he devise that you can both be happy with. Put it in writing. I found over the years that a behavior contract is the best solution to many problems of this type. Make the goals and the "punishments" (no, I don't mean withholding love or sex or food or anything else from him) clear. If you have to, limit time with his mother. That's the obvious logical consequence of rule infractions in this situation.

Good luck!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Schoolmarm97

Get you hubby involved NOW, and insist that he stick to a plan that you and he devise that you can both be happy with. Put it in writing. I found over the years that a behavior contract is the best solution to many problems of this type. Make the goals and the "punishments" (no, I don't mean withholding love or sex or food or anything else from him) clear. If you have to, limit time with his mother. That's the obvious logical consequence of rule infractions in this situation. Good luck!

This is a totally new concept to me - would you please explain what a behavior contract between husband and wife is, how it is negotiated and written, how it "works"? I'm particularly interested in the "goals" and "punishments" part of things - as well as what constitutes "rule infractions" and logical consequences.

This is very very simple, refuse to go and take your child to her home, Explain to your soon to be husband that you will not step a foot into their home until she tells you she is sorry and until she changes her attack on your faith and family.

Then you don't see or talk to her.

On the next hateful email, merely email back that you will no longer read any of her emails since she can not do so in a decent manner

Heck I did not see or talk to my own mom for over 4 years one time and over 3 years another time due to her actions.

Handle it now, or it will only get worst.

Quote:

Originally Posted by MNSLX

Since my husband and I were engaged (and some before) my mother-in-law has meddled in and attempted to micromanage details of our lives. She (not a Christian) called my house of worship a "__ing church" ... she invited me to watch a commedian, Bill Maher (I was unfamiliar with him at the time). He could not have been more offensive to my religion ... I have done some research on what the Bible says about this, but one site seems to suggest that 1) I continue to be a doormat by making peace, yielding and seeing her as better than myself (Philippians 2:3, James 3:17-18 2) ...

I am a Christian woman. My late husband was an Orthodox Jew. I've seen some of what troubles you in action.

I have a couple of questions - is your husband Christian or not? Where does he stand on religion?

What did Bill Maher say that you find offensive? I found I had to develop a thick skin when religion was involved - my husband went out of his way to keep me from being offended but there were certainly times when I thought things being said (by family and friends) were aimed at me when, in fact, they were not. Many times people referred to non-Jewish women dating Jewish men using a derogatory, slang word - not realizing I wasn't Jewish! My husband and I actually found humor in it - I was the family/friends "catch phrase for a non-Jewish woman."

I think quoting the Bible and researching the Bible when you are dealing with non-Christians might help you but has nothing to do with them.

How does the mother-in-law treat your child? I am aware of a situation when the non-Christian person preached to the child and criticized the "in-law" and that was the end of that relationship!

And sometimes people who don't like us, don't approve, have some "ax to grind" stand on religion - when, in fact, something else is going on.

You have had, by the sounds of things a bit more than 10 years of dealing with this woman, and nothing has ever been resolved.

She does not consider herself ever wrong, and feels justified, over and over again, in being overly involved in your marriage.

If she controls you, she controls her son, and keeps him where she wants him. Tied right to those apron strings.

If he has been unable to properly stand up to his mother and provide expectations and boundaries to her behaviour toward you AND him, it isn't likely he ever will. He's known her as she is, all of his life.

It sounds like your husband is somewhat willing to try, but, the two of you need a united front- as a married couple- in order to lay down the law.

Every relationship needs boundaries. When lines become blurred and crossed, to the point where walls are going up between you and your husband, new methods of maintaining respectful boundaries are essential.

She needs to be told to butt out. In a kind way of course, but her continuous meddling in your lives, the email, the critical analysis of everything you do or say, has to stop. She has NO authority in any decisions you and your husband make, and her opions and finger wagging are no longer welcome.

You may have to consider the principles of tough love. Lay down the law, and follow through with consequences.

Should she get out of line in your home, for any reason, you and your husband need to tell her her behaviour is not acceptable, and you would like her to leave.

After a few times, she will get the message, although, much like a child bully, she will test your resolve. She's never been expected to be held accountable for her behaviour; this is new territory, so be prepared to enforce any new expectations.

Nobody can walk all over you without your permission. Ignoring her will not stop the hurt and anger, and more importantly, the stress she causes in your marriage.

The only way to change her, is to make changes yourself, and stick to them.

Judy Tee-Kay, the behavioral contract between any two people is just as it sounds. It's a commonly used tool both in Behavioral Therapy and in education to try to set forth a plan that works towards a goal without causing undue battling.

I'm suggesting the couple sit down, decide on a path forward through this problem, and agree to stick to at least a first step. Putting it in writing makes is easier to avoid arguments and he said/she said later on. If the husband, for instance, agrees to address his mother's cruel remarks when she makes them, then he must do that. The "punishment" for not doing so might logically be his mother being less welcome in his home. Simple example: "I'll have your mother for dinner once a month without complaining as long as you_________". If he doesn't ___________, then Mom's visits get cut to every other month. That would be a logical consequence of his unwillingness to speak up or whatever is perceived as his possible role in solving the problem. Assuming that he wishes to continue regular visits with his mom, then reducing the number would be a negative for him and that might be sufficient to get him to stick to the plan. There would have to be accommodations on the wife's part as well. "I agree not to bring up _________during your mother's visits. If I bring up _____________, then I will [whatever... write her a letter, agree to continue the visits on a regular basis... whatever seems logical]. It's up to the couple to figure out what the "currency" will be. What, directly related to the behavior, is valued most by the person making the promise?

Naturally, the contract can be renegotiated as time goes by, and it's only as good as the motives of the people involved. Ideally, Mom would be a party to it and agree to avoid the behaviors that are causing discord, but I don't see that as likely at this point given what the poster described as the status of the situation.

I hope that clarifies for you.

Sorry, Judy. I meant to type Kay-Tee, but my fingers were faster than my brain. I apologize for the error.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Schoolmarm97

Judy Tee-Kay, the behavioral contract between any two people is just as it sounds. It's a commonly used tool both in Behavioral Therapy and in education to try to set forth a plan that works towards a goal without causing undue battling.

I'm suggesting the couple sit down, decide on a path forward through this problem, and agree to stick to at least a first step. Putting it in writing makes is easier to avoid arguments and he said/she said later on. If the husband, for instance, agrees to address his mother's cruel remarks when she makes them, then he must do that. The "punishment" for not doing so might logically be his mother being less welcome in his home. Simple example: "I'll have your mother for dinner once a month without complaining as long as you_________". If he doesn't ___________, then Mom's visits get cut to every other month. That would be a logical consequence of his unwillingness to speak up or whatever is perceived as his possible role in solving the problem. Assuming that he wishes to continue regular visits with his mom, then reducing the number would be a negative for him and that might be sufficient to get him to stick to the plan. There would have to be accommodations on the wife's part as well. "I agree not to bring up _________during your mother's visits. If I bring up _____________, then I will [whatever...write her a letter, agree to continue the visits on a regular basis....whatever seems logical]. It's up to the couple to figure out what the "currency" will be. What, directly related to the behavior, is valued most by the person making the promise?

Naturally, the contract can be renegotiated as time goes by, and it's only as good as the motives of the people involved. Ideally, Mom would be a party to it and agree to avoid the behaviors that are causing discord, but I don't see that as likely at this point given what the poster described as the status of the situation.

I hope that clarifies for you.

This is pretty much how I trained my dog - "If you do this, you won't get that" and so forth. The dog didn't sign a contract, of course, but she never had the option. We didn't address her problems with me.

I'm assuming this type of therapy works or it wouldn't be offered or recommended. I can't imagine two people who can't agree entering into a contract concerning behavior - the negotiation process must be interesting, indeed! It would appear that the husband doesn't even recognize the mother's remarks as cruel, intentional or hurtful (nor does anyone else or I would think they would address them) so short of punching the husband in the arm (or having some other secret signal) every time the mother-in-law gets abusive, I can't see this working because HE won't know what is hurtful and what is not.

Me? I'd separate my relationship with my husband from my relationship with his mother (and his relationship with his mother) and life would go on without me trying to have her "like" me. Of course, my husband would have to safeguard our child from verbal attacks by his mother.

I married my husband, not his family. As FrChuck said, I'd stop speaking to my own mother before I'd go through the family dynamics that have been described and before I'd regulate my husband's conduct by rewarding his good behavior and punishing his bad.

I think I'll stick with talking it out with my husband, but, of course, that's what works for us.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Schoolmarm97

Sorry, Judy. I meant to type Kay-Tee, but my fingers were faster than my brain. I apologize for the error.

No need to apologize - I didn't even notice!

Judy, I suppose it's the effect of having spent 15 years married to a marriage counselor and 100 hours of training toward being an addictions counselor myself that makes me tilt at windmills. LOL Of course there's a good chance that this couple will not work things out. But kids tend to wind up on the short end when adults can't work out their differences. This couple might surprise themselves if the break down the problem into bite-sized pieces and work on them one at a time. Or not. Sometimes one success is all it takes to build momentum.