I just lost my dad December 26, 2011. This is an extremely hard thing for me to get through. He had been in the hospital since the 9th of December for strep pneumonia. His right lung collapsed then his left, they inserted chest tubes to help get rid of the fluid.. That's all they could do. He was into entubated and sedated, so I never got to say goodbye, or that I loved him. My family decided to take him off the ventilator, and we all gathered around his bedside and watched him slowly die. It was the hardest thing I had ever faced. I broke down at his bedside holding his hand.. Crying my eyes out. He hadn't seen me graduate, he hadn't even seen me, his youngest daughter, turn 18.. I'm still hurting.. How can I make this easier..?. How do I explain his death to those around me.. How do I face this..

I'm so sorry! You loved him very much, and he will always be part of you. Keep him alive in your conversations with friends and family, and find ways to honor his memory.

My healthy-as-a-horse dad died after dinner and before dessert, literally between sentences. We never had the opportunity to tell him goodbye, so I know the pain that brings. We decided to create a memory book for our mom/grandma. Each child and grandchild wrote down memories and stories about him, my sis and I typed them into Word, printed them out, several grandchildren drew illustrations for the covers, we put everything together into a plastic spiral-ring book, and gave one to my mom and to each person who had contributed.

Here's a poem that we all liked:

Do not stand at my grave and weep
I am not there; I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow,
I am the diamond glints on snow,
I am the sun on ripened grain,
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning's hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circling flight.
I am the soft starlight at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry,
I am not there; I did not die.

You cry and you grieve. You live your life in memory of him.

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Originally Posted by lostwrestler

I just lost my dad December 26, 2011. This is an extremely hard thing for me to get through. He had been in the hospital since the 9th of December for strep pneumonia. His right lung collapsed then his left, they inserted chest tubes to help get rid of the fluid.. That's all they could do. He was into entubated and sedated, so I never got to say goodbye, or that I loved him. My family decided to take him off the ventilator, and we all gathered around his bedside and watched him slowly die. It was the hardest thing I had ever faced. I broke down at his bedside holding his hand.. Crying my eyes out. He hadn't seen me graduate, he hadn't even seen me, his youngest daughter, turn 18.. I'm still hurting.. How can I make this easier..?... How do I explain his death to those around me..? How do I face this..?

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I was widowed several years ago on Christmas Day. The grieving process is long and hard. It gets better, it gets worse. The loss is always there but the pain DOES abate somewhat. Even sedated I believe your father heard you, knew you were there. No one knows what anyone in a coma, drug induced or not, can hear. I talked to my husband right up until his final breath.

I don't know what you mean by explaining his death to people around you. They don't know he died, you are at a loss to explain why he was taken off life support? Something else?

You pretty much have to face it because there is no other choice. In the very beginning I never looked beyond today. I got up and thought, "Well, I can make it through today." I did, and then the next day I said the same thing. Days turn into weeks turn into months.

As long as you remember your father and remember him with respect his spirit lives on in you. You honor him by your words and deeds.

There is no simple answer. Some people find great comfort in bereavement groups, therapy, talking about the death, not talking about the death - depends on what helps you.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

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Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

No one knows what anyone in a coma, drug induced or not, can hear.

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There is more and more evidence, especially from patients who have awakened from comas, that visitors'/doctors'/medical caregivers' conversations can be heard and remembered accurately. Someone recently was reported to have revived on his way to the morgue and had remembered what was being said around his hospital deathbed.

I did not allow anyone, including medical personel, to discuss his health in his room when I was there. I believe (maybe because it makes the loss easier) that he heard me right up until the end.

I also believe you have to tell people it's all right to leave - that you will be okay.

I lost my dad when I was eight years old. I know how it feels to be that kid whose parent misses everything. He didn't see me graduate, and we won't see me get married or meet my children.

My situation was a little different from yours, in that I didn't start grieving until long after his death. I was in high school the first time I actually cried about it. You were older when your dad passed and more understanding. I didn't get to say goodbye either and I didn't get to ask him so many questions. I felt (and still feel) a lot of regret about that.

I think I would have been much better off if my mom and I had talked about the whole thing, but we just never did. We acknowledged the day of his death and his birthday, but we never talked about it really. After my dad passed, I saw a psychologist for a few years and it did nothing for me, I just retreated farther into a shell and buried those feelings and it took a toll on me later.

Talk to your family members, they are who you have now and they know what you're going through; the support is there, use it. Don't dwell on this, it will just pull you out of the world and make you a negative person. The best thing to do is get all your feelings out on the table so you know what you're dealing with.