Ask Me Help Desk - Girlfriend has decided to go celibate

We had been going out for a year and a half, great sex, LOTS of great happy time spent together, but then out of the blue she decided on no sex whatsoever just kissing (ie no oral, etc). Of course, I asked her if there was anything I could do, etc. Her answer was that she just doesn't want it any more. I ask why but I don't get an answer.

Personally, I'm the opposite. I've not been in a sexual relationship before her at all. So, I'm ready for that, and it is important to me on some scale. Obviously, I'm not going to try to pressure her into anything, but at the same time, I can't help but examine my needs versus hers. I't has been two months and sense her decision I've been doing a lot for her and still didn't get anything for it. What should I do?

Quote:

Originally Posted by kingj101;

Girlfriend has decided to go celibate

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We had been going out for a year and a half, great sex, LOTS of great happy time spent together, but then out of the blue she decided on no sex whatsoever just kissing (ie no oral, etc). Of course, I asked her if there was anything I could do, etc. Her answer was that she just doesn't want it any more. I ask why but I don't get an answer.

Personally, I'm the opposite. I've not been in a sexual relationship before her at all. So, I'm ready for that, and it is important to me on some scale. Obviously, I'm not going to try to pressure her into anything, but at the same time, I can't help but examine my needs versus hers. I't has been two months and sense her decision I've been doing a lot for her and still didn't get anything for it. What should I do?

Want to bet every time you got together it became about going to bed... and not anything else... at least from her perspective? I could see that in just what you told us already... in the first sentence.

It's the slippery slope you heard about... you start now and then... eventually it's the focus of every time you get together... neglecting everything else... very easy rut to fall into.

I bet that's what she saw and why she stopped so suddenly. She felt like she became a booty call.

I bet you are both quite young...

Yes I agree too many couples only do sex, they don't really go out, or if they do, every date is expected to be sex at the end.

But that may or may not be it. Other factors, how old are you two? Has she found a religion or faith that may have conflict with this ? You have two choices, accept this or leave her.

Quote:

Originally Posted by kingj101

Personally, I'm the opposite. I've not been in a sexual relationship before her at all. So, I'm ready for that, and it is important to me on some scale. Obviously, I'm not going to try to pressure her into anything, but at the same time, I can't help but examine my needs versus hers. I't has been two months and sense her decision I've been doing a lot for her and still didn't get anything for it. What should I do?

I agree with smoothy and Fr_Chuck.

She may be feeling like everything in the relationship revolves around sex. However, she may not be able to put it into words. For her, it could be one of those realizations that is just out of reach and all she knows is that she needs intimacy in more forms than sexual.

What else happened over the past few months that might be affecting her libido? New job, pregnancy scare, stress, exhaustion, school, contraceptive changes, health issues, etc.

Have your dates gotten to where it is all about sexual contact? Do you do things for her without expecting anything (especially sex) in return?

Can you clarify what you meant by this statement: I've been doing a lot for her and still didn't get anything for it.

What have you been doing for her and what have you been expecting to get in return?

She made it clear she isn't wanting sex right now. You can accept her needs or walk away. If you stay, you both need to discuss your individual needs and try to find compromises if there are any. By talking together (not confronting or putting anyone on the defensive), you may be able to find out why she has made this change. You definitely won't be able to work through the issue if neither of you are willing to communicate.

Good luck.

Were both 21 and when we first started nether of us talked or acted on sex. Might be weird to some but I was a virgin till the age 20. Before we got to having sex I did take her out a lot movies, dinner, mall, little places around town just to show her a great time. I spend a lot of money on her sorry not just money but time also were around each other almost 24/7 other then at night we both have our own place. Each time I'm with her I do everything I can to make and keep her happy and if she needs her space I give it to her.

To add. I want to stay everything else is good except communication when ever she wants something in the relationship to happen she does it with out telling me or if she gets mad she doesn't tell me why.

You are completely avoiding the point I brought up...

About every time you get together (in the period BEFORE she clamped her legs shut) leading to sex...

You will likely be the LAST person to see the connection to that... because you ARE young, and don't have the experience we have had, and your little head is still telling the big head what to do.

Trust me... we were your age before... we know how guys that age think and act... we know what their priorities in life are... and we know they are usually not what they should be.

She doesn't dislike you... YET, that's clear from what you have written. But she felt like the priorities to you was #1 having sex... and advancing the relationship to something more permanent wasn't even on the radar... and things like that are important to most women.

I get what you are saying and I agree with what you are saying . Maybe I didn't make it clear when I said nether of us talked or acted on it. What I meant was I wasn't worried about it because before all of that started I wanted to get to know her better and make an relationship with her because I have seen a lot of relationships go down because all the person wants in it is sex. I want more and I know we need more to keep our relationship how it is and even get better. And to try to make things clear when I said " i want more" I meant I want more of the good things we have other then just sex. But the reason I added this is to know or just understand the reason she wanted to become celibate.

Quote:

Originally Posted by kingj101

I get what you are saying and i agree with what you are saying . Maybe i didn't make it clear when i said nether of us talked or acted on it. What i meant was i wasn't worried about it because before all of that started i wanted to get to know her better and make an relationship with her because i have seen a lot of relationships go down because all the person wants in it is sex. I want more and i know we need more to keep our relationship how it is and even get better. And to try to make things clear when i said " i want more" i meant i want more of the good things we have other then just sex. But the reason i added this is to know or just understand the reason she wanted to become celibate.

Women are not easy for most guys to understand... or vice-versa... but guys ARE easier to please and figure out.

Part of what I'm trying to do is get you to see things from a different perspective, you could say... see the big picture. You really do have to look at many things at once... and its not easy to do. Or Intuitive.

Also... a reality is relationships do change over time... sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worse... but change they will. Even after you get married.

One of the reasons I like to see a 3-5 year courtship period before getting married. It gives you both time to seen enough of these changes to decide if its right or not... and sometimes it won't be, people change... particularly through your early to late 20's before you "find yourself" and you find your groove.

And talk... but don't push... like most things... there is always a line you shouldn't cross. You have to recognize and respect it. Its not the same for anyone... so you have to use good judgment.

Maybe she will tell you... but also be ready to hear that maybe the relationship isn't going as well from her perspective... it happens. I can't say that is the case or not... but I don't think it is. Right now anyway.

You also have to decide for yourself if you are happy in the relationship as it is... because you can't change her... and have to accept things for how they are... as does she. If that place isn't one either of you like... time to move on... maybe the next one will prove to be a better match.

You know it's a good match when you very rarely have these sorts of moments... and if you are constantly struggling or stressing out over the other persons actions and choices... time to move on.

Those are lessons I learned that hard way at the school of hard knocks before the average person even heard about the internet (yes I have been dinking around on the internet since 1981 how many do you know that can say that, and that's nineteen eighty one, not a typo)... and more than a decade and a half before anyone actually got it outside an office.

Trust me... I'm speaking out of experience of having made these mistakes before you could talk to anyone like this... and before you was even born.

Yeah... I'm an old fart at 50... but believe me... we went through the same things you are.

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Originally Posted by smoothy

Women are not easy for most guys to understand....or vice-versa....but guys ARE easier to please and figure out..

I object on behalf of women everywhere. I don't disagree - I just object out of loyalty to the Sisterhood!

Thanks for you'r looks on things. Well towards the if I'm happy part of things. I am "At times". The thing is every day I try to make her have a good day I will do almost anything for her. If she's sad or irritated I feel like I didn't do something right cause if she's not happy my life is a living hell. And I feel bad about it.

If its right... you don't have to make a major effort all the time. You can never neglect things... but you really shouldn't have to work hard either.

If she is unhappy with the relationship... you need to know... if she has depression (which will be unrelated to you) then she needs to get treated for it because between counceling and meds... there is no need for anyone to suffer through it. And many people do.

Long story short... Relationships always take some work to maintain... but if you feel like you are tasked with moving a mountain... alone... then something's wrong.

Quote:

Originally Posted by kingj101

Thanks for you'r looks on things. Well towards the if im happy part of things. I am "At times". The thing is every day i try to make her have a good day i will do almost anything for her. If she's sad or irritated i feel like i didn't do something right cause if she's not happy my life is a living hell. And i feel bad about it.

This is a big mistake many people in relationships make. You cannot 'make' someone feel a certain way. She has to want to be happy and communicate her needs when she isn't. Just like you have to take responsibility for your own happiness and filling your own needs.

There are times in a relationship when one person may seem to give more than the other person, but that should not be the entire basis for being together. There should be communication and compromise. You can't do everything 'her' way any more than she can do everything 'your' way.

It seems to me you need to stop enabling the lack of communicating. If you are trying to talk with her about the issues and she won't talk to you, back off and live your own life. Let her come to you when she is ready to explain her needs and work with you instead of expecting you to handle everything. I think her wanting to be celibate may be an attempt at taking back some control of her own life.

Both of you need to sit down and discuss the relationship. Learn to communicate with each other as equals instead of caregiver and charge. Find out what each of you needs to be healthier and stronger in the relationship. I would start with not being in each other's pockets 24/7. You both need lives apart from each other. That means friends and interests/hobbies which allow you to bring new energy into the relationship.