I've always lived sort of a sheltered life. I'm 14. My parents send me to a top academic private school. I'm basically considered an outcast. My school goes from kindergarten to eighth grade, and has 300 people in all. The Eighth grade has one class of 16 kids. As far as I know, everyone except me is an A-B student. I'm the black sheep. There is no-one I can talk to at school. I know my mother wishes she didn't have a defective daughter. I tried to tell her that I was depressed, that I needed help and that was exactly what I was asking for, but she ''wouldn't put up with my drama''. I've got cuts across the inside of my right arm, so many it looks like ladder rungs. I try to get people to notice. I'm silently screaming for help. I wear short-sleeved shirts during the winter, I lay my right forearm on the desk, cuts facing upward. Begging for someone to please please just look// stare// be concerned. There's one week until the end of the semester, and I have an F in Lit/Comp. One more F and My Lit/Comp semester grade will be an F F F.But there's nothing I can do. It's Christmas break.

There's nothing you can do? Such an excellent writer and there's nothing you can do?

You certainly have given this some thought. I even sense some pride entwined in your words. Why the depression? What's eating at you? Whom do YOU care about?

I'm guessing you didn't want to go to this private school?

Thank you for the praise on my writing. And yes, I've given a fair amount of thought as to whether I should post this. And yes, I am proud that I still have the ability to express my problems with clarity. I don't know what's eating at me. But I have a few theories (forgive me if I sound sarcastic- I'm very sincere). Maybe it's that I have parents who probably want to scrub me away with surgical soap. Maybe it's because whenever I open my mouth to speak everything gets worse. But I'm pretty sure it's because until now, I've never been able to tell anyone.

First of all, you must be a very smart student because your parents sent you to this private school for smart students. Did you want to go?

Why do you think they want to scrub you away? I'm a Scorpio (and so have become a librarian, the world's top-notch detective). I need some evidence, some examples, some proof. That comment is a topic sentence that demands a supportive essay.

And yes, you can be proud of your ability to express yourself well, but I also detect pride looped around in your initial question, that you are proud of how you've been sent to this wonderful school for very bright students and yet you are managing to fail every class (that takes some skill to do that, you know), and you are proud of your cutting in that you display your ravaged arms for all to see, and you are proud that you have done so well in becoming a black sheep.

I'm not managing to fail every single class. I should have made that more clear. And I'm not proud that I'm the black sheep. I'm not proud of the scars. They were a cry for help that no-one heard. I'm sorry, I didn't mention that nobody saw them. The only thing I could ever be proud of is that I'm able to tell what's going on and ask for advice. And why are you asking me these questions, anyway?

I'm asking these questions because you opened the door to being asked questions and presented things in a very vague way, very general (which I think was your intent).

You still haven't answered the ones about your wanting (or not) to go to this school and about your parents.

No, I don't want to go to this school. My parents take every opportunity to remind me how much my 18 year old brother is succeeding, asking me why I can't just be like him.

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Originally Posted by NewEmotions

No, I don't want to go to this school. My parents take every opportunity to remind me how much my 18 year old brother is succeeding, asking me why I can't just be like him.

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So, boy oh boy, you are doing your utmost to make sure they regret sending you there and also hit them over the head with your failures -- that'll teach 'em!

Your brother is your only sibling?

You've always done well in school?

Which school did you want to go to?

Wait a minute. No, nononono. I think you might be misunderstanding. I was never trying to fail. I want them to be proud. You probably don't know just how messed up it is. Look, I posted this to ask for help.

So why are you failing?

You are dropping bread crumbs of details about your situation, and I'm trying desperately to find out what's going on. Please tell the entire story so I don't have to ask Twenty Questions.

I think the real cause is a bit personal.

You are anonymous here. It's can't be any more personal than most of the stories we hear.

No one can help you and make suggestions if we don't know the whole story. (And there are some really, really smart and experienced experts here who will give you ideas to chew on.)

My little sister died last month and I could have stopped it. Every time I try to concentrate, I remember that day, and I can't help thinking about it.

So the failing school and depression and cutting and family hating you is because your sister died?

You had said: "I'm the black sheep. There is no-one I can talk to at school. I know my mother wishes she didn't have a defective daughter. I tried to tell her that I was depressed, that I needed help and that was exactly what I was asking for, but she 'wouldn't put up with my drama'."

That doesn't sound like anything to do with your younger sister dying.