My wife and her ex husband have a 16 yr old daughter. They split up over 2-1/2 years ago but he still shows up to her parents house for birthdays and all major holidays because their daughter invites him.

When I met him on Thanksgiving 2009, he refused to shake my hand in front of everyone and called me outside to vent how much he doesn't like me because at the time I had just starting dating his then wife. (Understandable) He drunkenly told me that this is HIS family and that will never change. I let him say what he wanted and that was last time I had a conversation with him.

Nowadays, he doesn't say anything to me and he doesn't give me dirty looks, but when he's there it's extremely awkward. We walk past each other without saying hello, excuse me or whatever. We don't ever make eye contact. There's so much tension when we're in the same room but I have a bad feeling I'm going to get into an argument with this guy because of the way he talks to my wife.

My wife has told him repeatedly that they're not married anymore so he shouldn't be there. I stay out of it when he texts her bad names and laughs at her and thanks God that he's not married to her anymore and that the only way he'll stop showing up is if her parents tell him he's not invited.

Obviously, they're not going to do that. And at a recent birthday party my mother in law approached me to ask why we were leaving so early and if it had anything to do with my wife's ex being here and I said yes. I said I don't feel comfortable when he's around. I can't speak to everyone when he's sitting right next to them because he doesn't like me. I feel weird.

And I told her that I'm never going to get to know all of my new relatives when he's around because I feel like when I just start to get to know them, HE walks in the room they all get up to greet him and leave me alone during the rest of the party. I feel like I have to start over at every party.

I'm not mad at my new relatives, because they've known HIM for 17 years and have a lot to talk about. I have no problem with the guy being friends and being close to them every day of the year if they wanted to. And my new sister in law doesn't think it's that big of a deal. She says to just ignore him. But she's not feeling what I'm feeling.

My wife and this guy are divorced. So I believe he shouldn't be there on any of these holidays. I should only see him at his daughter's graduations, recitals, games or her wedding some day. But not at my in-laws house on Christmas, Thanksgiving, Easter, Mother's Day, Father's Day and her parents birthdays! That's 7 times a year!

I have best friends and in-state family that I don't see that many times each year, but I have to awkwardly see this guy? I used to love holidays, but now I dread them. I feel sad that my holidays are always tarnished.

My step daughter wants him there no matter what. I have a great relationship with her. And she knows it's tough. But she still wants her mother and real father to be there, regardless of how her mom and I feel.

Yes, this is a tough situation (and a pretty common one).
I have one question first - where are your parents and other relatives? If they are alive and near enough to visit, you don't alternate holidays each year (there's enough fighting over that)?

Aside from that, I personally would just not go to half of these occasions, and spend some time with my other family, or even friends.

In 2 years or so your stepdaughter will be an adult. Some of this will change, because her dad is there to see her. He should NOT be there if she isn't there! In fact I would be inclined to put my foot down with your wife about him not being there even if she is, because he can see her on his own. He isn't part of the family.

I have relatives in this boat and they all get along, but that doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you for not getting along.

Also I'm not sure whose daughter invites him. If it's your stepdaughter, that isn't for her to decide. You need to hash this all out with your wife. She's the locus of all this.

I have some major issues with your post and you are probably not going to like them.

The title of your post is "How do we...". Yet in your post you state that his daughter and grandparents invite him to these occasions. So I'm not seeing where the "we" is.

This is the burden YOU take on when you marry into a divorced family. Like it or not, this guy IS part of the family and, if I were you, I would try to get over your uncomfortable feelings and make the best of the situation. Frankly, the only problem I see here is YOU. If you continue this attitude towards her father, you will have a hard time with your step daughter.

This is easy, you stop having any parties at her parents house. Period, invite the parents to YOUR home where the ex is not invited.

The party is not your party, you are just a guest at their home and have no control.

But if its your house your wife (at least) has a say on the guest list and your daughter can express her preferences.

joypulv: I see my side of the family on different days. But when we see my wife's side, her ex shows up too because my stepdaughter invites him. Not the host of the party (my inlaws).
My does not want him there. She's told him to stop imposing because her mom has said she doesn't have the courage to tell him to his face.

ScottGem: I'm not upset at your comment. I NEED all kinds of perspectives. But let me clear one thing up. His daughter is the only person inviting him. Nobody else. And like I said before, everyone likes him. And I have no problem with that either. And I don't hate him. But he does hate me. And only his daughter and my sister in-law are the ones that have no problem with him being there.
As for the "we". I'm referring to my wife and I.
Also, the parties are at my in-laws house, not mine.

Fr_Chuck: I like your idea most because my wife asked her Mom if it was OK to have at least Thanksgiving and Christmas at our house next year and she said that's a great idea because then she won't have to tell him directly that he can't come to her house for holidays anymore. As for the other holidays, I guess I'll have to suffer some more until he finds a girlfriend who will hopefully ask him why he still shows up to ALL of his ex-wifes parties. I mean, he can see his daughter ANYTIME he wants under one condition. That condition should be as long as him and my wife agree on it. Just them. Not me. It's up to them because it's their daughter. I love my step daughter but I don't love the holidays anymore.

ScottGem: I was reading your comment again and wanted to reply to each sentence.

You said: "This is the burden YOU take on when you marry into a divorced family."
My reply: True, but we're talking about my in-laws house parties. My wife doesn't want him there. And her parents don't want him there. That's 3 people. If my wife got along with this guy, then they never would've gotten divorced. They still fight about everything and I'm starting to think he just shows up only because she doesn't want him there.


You said: "Like it or not, this guy IS part of the family and, if I were you, I would try to get over your uncomfortable feelings and make the best of the situation."
My reply: I HAVE made the best of the situation. I didn't express what was REALLY on my mind the first night he called me outside to basically fight me. Instead, I kept my mouth shut and I listened to him like a mature adult. Don't you remember before this I offered to shake his hand and he refused? And despite his anger towards me which I read on my wife's text messages, he calls both of us vulgar names like we're in high school or something. How would you feel about someone who calls your wife and makes her cry after calling her a F-in "B-word" and a stupid "C-word"? Even though he crosses the line with my wife in these text's and conversations in person and over the phone I still "make the best of the situation" as you put it and politely ignore him and stay out of their fights when I see him at my in-laws. Maybe you have no problem when someone insults your wife, but I don't. But I also know the right thing to do isn't by confronting a hot head that's looking for a fight to begin with.

You said: Frankly, the only problem I see here is YOU.
My reply: So I'm the ONLY problem? I've kept my mouth shut and put up with all of this. I'm just asking someone in this blog for help AKA Ask Me Help Desk. How am I the ONLY problem instead a guy that's invited by a 16 year old to party that his ex-wife and parents don't want him at?

You said: "If you continue this attitude towards her father, you will have a hard time with your step daughter."
My reply: My replys are the only attitude I'm showing right now. Or do you mean the attitude I had on Thanksgiving when I held my hand out to him and in front of the whole family he deliberatley looked away in disgust even after my wife said Come on, don't be like that! Think about it. He still insults my wife and makes her cry, yet I was man enough to shake his hand.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by ToughTime

ScottGem: I'm not upset at your comment. I NEED all kinds of perspectives. But let me clear one thing up. His daughter is the only person inviting him. Nobody else. And like I said before, everyone likes him. And I have no problem with that either. And I don't hate him. But he does hate me. And only his daughter and my sister in-law are the ones that have no problem with him being there.
As for the "we". I'm referring to my wife and I.
Also, the parties are at my in-laws house, not mine.

---

Hmm, then I'm wondering who marked my response Not Helpful? But I appreciate your understanding and supplying some clarification. Frankly however, I think you are caught between a rock and a hard place. It is clearly rude of him to show up where he is not wanted but the hosts. But you risk alienating your step daughter if you refuse him.

I would have a sitdown with your step daughter and your wife and both explain to her that while you don't want to interfere with her relationship with her father, but you all have a new family now and this new family needs to be on its own sometimes. So we need to agree that SOME occasions she should not invite her father and that you will work out occasions where he can partcipate.

ScottGem: Here's some more clarifying to your very last comment.

You said "But you risk alienating your step daughter if you refuse him."
My reply: I don't refuse him, he refuses me. He tells my wife the only thing he appreciates about me is that I take good care of his daughter and do a lot of stuff for her. But I still don't think he should be at all 7 of these parties. Oh, one other thing. I've occasionally done favors directly for him in attempts that he might be a little more understanding. Favors such as get him tickets to sporting events he's extremely interested in. Not for free, simply hard to get tickets at face value. And I made sure my wife told him that I could do this favor for him. So after he bought the tickets, all he says to my wife is, cool. Nothing about thanking me. And the next time I saw him, once again, silence. I thought for sure this could be the ice breaker! But no. I did it a 2nd time to a different sporting event... same result.

You said: "I would have a sitdown with your step daughter and your wife and both explain to her that while you don't want to interfere with her relationship with her father, but you all have a new family now and this new family needs to be on its own sometimes. So we need to agree that SOME occasions she should not invite her father and that you will work out occasions where he can partcipate."
My reply: I like this idea. I'd like to have a sit down type of conversation, but I still believe he shouldn't be there. And since I've always stayed out of my wife's arguments about this issue with her (my step daughter), I honestly don't feel it's right for me to say something to her about her father. As much as I don't want her father there, I still don't want to hurt my step daughter's feelings about telling her right to her face about it. I feel like all of her blood relatives should have the right to make or at least deliver the messages rather than me. The other problem is, my wife told her that we may just go to her grandparents early, let her stay with her father that night, then leave before he arrives and she her face got beet red, she started crying and simply wants them both there at the same time even if they don't talk to each other.
Oh did I mention that he also brings his sister and one his drinking buddies with him to half of these parties? At first I felt even more awkward being outnumbered once again. But I'll be honest, after meeting them. His sister and drinking buddy are both very nice to me. I think it's weird that they're bother there too, but I have nothing bad to say about them. And we've never talked about the ex-husband and his hatred towards me . So now there's 3 people that shouldn't be there. I mean, can you imagine if your wife's ex husband or ex boyfriend kept showing up and on top of that, he's bringing his sister and a drinking buddy?

What I meant by refuse him is get in the way of their relationship.

That's why I said both you and your wife have to talk to her. But if your wife has had that talk and your step daughter still defies her by inviting him, there is little you can do. But if that is the case I think there is something deeper going on.

As you have clarified things we're getting a more complete picture. But I still see a lot of resentment, albeit justified, against him.

I think it's a little strange that a minor child is the cause of all these invitations, that both you and your wife don't want him there, yet your wife hasn't put her foot down with her daughter.
I think you are handling it as well as can be expected.
Maybe your wife either doesn't care as much as she says she does or she's catering to her daughter (often out of guilt).

I think you are handling this situation very well. However, I do understand the ex's point of view, since in your first post you stated that you were dating is wife, i.e. they were still married.

Quote:

---

at the time I had just starting dating his then wife

---

So I can understand his resentment towards you.

However, it seems as though your wife's parents are spineless as they will not put their foot down and state that he is no longer invited to these family gatherings. I think it's high time that your wife have a discussion with her parents, and your step-daughter, about not having him at these affairs and that your step-daughter can celebrate with him and his family either after or before the actual holiday.

J_9: My wife and her ex were separated at the time which is when I started dating her. But I also dated her 20 years ago before that (in high school). When we started dating again, we fell in love and moved in together. A couple years later we married. And I agree with you about the part when I can see his resentment towards me. And he can resent forever if he chooses. And because of that I think he chooses to display his resentment or payback by showing up to these parties.
As for calling my in-laws spineless... that's very harsh because they're in their 80's and are both the kindest people you'll ever meet. They don't want her ex there because their that's what their daughter wants. But it's difficult for them o tell him this.

joypulv: I agree that it's VERY strange letting a minor control this situation. I've told my wife several times that the family is letting this 16 year old decide everything. And when my wife tells her that he shouldn't be there because they're divorced now... her daughter just starts crying and making threats that if her father's not there then she won't ever stay with us again or speak to her mom. That's when I've been making the mistake of giving in to the 16 year too by saying that I don't want my step daughter not speaking to her mom or not wanting stay with us so I'll just keep putting up with this mess and just hope her father will meet someone that will want him to attend her family parties instead of mine.

So the child is holding every hostage. Great. I have no solution except to say again that it's her mother's job for the most part to not cave in. Her mother should tell her how this is affecting her marriage, that she can see him all sorts of times alone, and call her bluff, even if she goes to live with him for a while (bet she runs back, or doesn't want to leave her friends and school).

I'm a five times stepmother.

Sometimes you have to love the stepchild, make the stepchild feel safe and secure. There is no such thing as too many people loving a child. Sometimes you have to swallow and be a better person because the child NEEDS to see ALL of the parents - step and otherwise - acting like responsible adults.

The adults here need to get their act together. "He" may be the ex-husband. "He" remains the father.

Maybe the child is playing the adults. Maybe she's not.

Either way the adults have to do what is in the best interest of the child. Maybe that's tolerating each other and letting go of the past.

I can't imagine - and I do talk to my stepchildren - what it's like for this 16-year old.

First I commend you on your discipline in this delicate situations. My question why is this 16 year old calling the shots? You all are letting her lead the both of you as well as grandparents. If you don't step up something unfortunates will occur. Emotions are a very real factors in when they take a told on us it causes health conditions or a really bad out break will happen. He is obviously being ignoring on purposes in I assure you everyone knows it, they just don't care because there not the one's it's happening to. You have to have experience in a situation, most time to know how it feels and empathize with it. Go in talk to the parents again both of you and express how it makes both of you feel. Is he really worth your wife and your presence not being there. Nobody is showing backbone and allowing this none person to intrude on what should be a very happy occasions for you and wife. The ex is a sad little man with anger issues not only on a failed marriage but much more then you know. If someone purposely set out to ruin your life, he don't even like his self and hate that you all are truly happy. I feel her family don't appreciate you and don't realize the good man that you are to their daughter and there granddaughter, and you are being taken advantage of. Step up, tell daughter how it will be, as far as visits, and make your visits short with the family. Maybe you can give him a certain time to be there, were as leaving you time enough to enjoy the family converse then leave before he is there. And they could have him all to themselves then see how long he stays. Daughter need to stop being selfish and think about mom and how her father makes her feel. Children never won't there parents to break up no matter how bad it is for one person, but there not the one living the life of unhappiness with someone that don't really love them. Children don't won't to do homework, or go to to bed early, or come in early from dates it's up to us to give them directions and most time they don't like it but it's what's best. Take your life back, from this immature ex-husband and a selfish daughter who only thinks about herself. And step up to the in-laws take charge of your own happiness you're the only one's who can. You don't have to except anything especially negative issues. And why does he have your wife number daughter is old enough to communicate herself and you might want to think about filing charges for harassment you got the proof already the text messages, maybe voice mail and anybody that might of seen his outbreaks. If there's no consequences why would we change our ways. Remember it's not always that everybody want to do right the consequences are just to great so they keeps most people in line. Good luck and keep loving each other. Merry Christmas and MAKE it a Happy New Year. God bless

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by twilliams1066

First I commend you on your discipline in this delicate situations. My question why is this 16 year old calling the shots? You all are letting her lead the both of you as well as grandparents. If you don't step up something unfortunates will occur. Emotions are a very real factors in when they take a told on us it causes health conditions or a really bad out break will happen. He is obviously being ignoring on purposes in I assure you everyone knows it, they just don't care because there not the one's it's happening to. You have to have experience in a situation, most time to know how it feels and empathize with it. Go in talk to the parents again both of you and express how it makes both of you feel. Is he really worth your wife and your presence not being there. Nobody is showing backbone and allowing this none person to intrude on what should be a very happy occasions for you and wife. The ex is a sad little man with anger issues not only on a failed marriage but much more then you know. If someone purposely set out to ruin your life, he don't even like his self and hate that you all are truly happy. I feel her family don't appreciate you and don't realize the good man that you are to their daughter and there granddaughter, and you are being taken advantage of. Step up, tell daughter how it will be, as far as visits, and make your visits short with the family. Maybe you can give him a certain time to be there, were as leaving you time enough to enjoy the family converse then leave before he is there. And they could have him all to themselves then see how long he stays. Daughter need to stop being selfish and think about mom and how her father makes her feel. Children never won't there parents to break up no matter how bad it is for one person, but there not the one living the life of unhappiness with someone that don't really love them. Children don't won't to do homework, or go to to bed early, or come in early from dates it's up to us to give them directions and most time they don't like it but it's whats best. Take your life back, from this immature ex-husband and a selfish daughter who only thinks about herself. And step up to the in-laws take charge of your own happiness your the only one's who can. You don't have to except anything especially negative issues. And why does he have your wife number daughter is old enough to communicate herself and you might want to think about filing charges for harassment you got the proof already the text msgs, maybe voice mail and anybody that might of seen his outbreaks. If there's no consequences why would we change our ways. Remember it's not always that everybody want to do right the consequences are just to great so they keeps most people in line. Good luck and keep loving each other. Merry Christmas and MAKE it a Happy New Year. God bless

---

This has NOTHING to do with the wife's family appreciating or not appreciating what a "good man" the person asking the question is. Likewise, your "harassment" advice is not legally sound.

The ex-husband is just that - the ex-husband of the WIFE. Likewise, the child is the WIFE's child, these are the WIFE's parents.

Sometimes you have to stand back and trust that your husband or wife will handle his or her family without your interference. A step parent or second wife or husband is not part of this equation - it's the WIFE'S problem to solve.

The second husband needs to talk to his wife, not to her parents, not to her "ex." To her.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

The second husband needs to talk to his wife, not to her parents, not to her "ex." To her.

---

Absolutely 100% agree.