My son is 8yrs old and has only known my husband as his father . I feel like it is very important for my son to know who his real father is. So his real father and I have talked and after the holidays he and I are going to set up visiting and slowly introduce my son to his father . This may destroy my marriage but I really think my son needs to know his father am I crazy to think this ? How do I tell my son about this other man being his real dad ? I'm scared my son will feel hurt and hate me plus the story behind how he is his real father is not a very pretty one can anyone help ?

Does your husband agree to all of this? If your in the U.S. then your husband is the legal father. This man actually has no ties to the child nor responsibilities as the law goes.

If he isn't requesting to accept responsibility for the child then forcing it on him may not be a good idea. Has he offered to pay child support? If not it clearly shows his thinking. Be very careful of his ultimate intentions.


As far as your child goes you may need to start therapy to start the process. Then during a well timed session you can start to reveal the facts. But since your husband has been there since the beginning and supports your child he is the father regardless of DNA. Ask any adoptive parent how they feel about their children. DNA doesn't make you a parent. Love and support with nurturing gets the prize.

She did not say from my reading that she was married when she gave birth. And sorry but I am not sure he needs to know and see a man that you had to go find and talk into seeing his son, He had 8 years to decide.

If you were married when you gave birth legally your husband is the father. But you were not clear on that.
Also who is on the birth certificate and whose last name does the child have.

But you are correct that the child needs to meet the man slowly, and I may even advise with a couselor the first few times in a group of your entire family. Next I will always say this, the father is the man who is raising him, and I am not sure that you should not have just asked him to sign over his rights and let your hubby adopt and let the other man disappear into the night.

Before you did anything, I feel your husband needs some say into this. But also the issue of you not telling the 8 year old all along is the husband is not the legal father, is another issue I have. I adopted my one son when he was about 20 months, but he always knew he was adopted. I even helped him hunt down his birth father when he was about 18 but at the time he decided not to see him.

The child has no need to ever know how the "mess was"
I think you really need to think twice on this before you end up divorced, your son has no "father" in his life and talk this over better.

As a child who wasn't told until later on in life, I encourage you to follow your gut and tell your son the truth. While the comments from the others here are valid--there will be waves made and tough discussions to have--I respectfully disagree with anyone saying that this is not important for the child.

Aside from however you decide to work through this with your husband and the son's biological father, I think you are doing the right thing by wanting your son to know the truth. Sadly, there aren't many counselors out there who know how to deal with this situation. I can tell you that the child, if he hasn't already, will come to wonder why certain parts about his characteristics don't show up in your husband. The child will know, deep-down, that something isn't 'right.' Telling him the truth in a loving, considerate, and respectful way, and emphasizing the fact that he has 3 parents who love him so much and want the best for him (issues about marriage or how it happened are not as important at this stage or his age, I'd guess).

I'm 36 and found out when I was 26. It was a painful process but not because the truth came out--that part brought SO much relief and understanding after being able to finally connect the dots. The part that hurt was knowing my family knew all along and lied. Even though I KNOW my parents loved me so much and wanted to do what they thought was best (what parent doesn't?), the betrayal was the toughest and I wish my mom and dad had some support so that they could have seen there may be a better way to break this news with me and my siblings.

A year or so ago, a friend (who also found out later in life that he had a different 'dad') created a website for others like us, and also for the family members who are going through (or have gone through) a similar situation and want to know how to tell their children. If you're interested, the site is www.mydnadad.com. The dad who raised me has been following the site and says it offered him so much insight as to what I was going through.

He also says that he hopes that in 20 years it is unheard of for a child to through life not knowing who his/her biological father is. It is the child's right to know.

I hope this helps.

Kim
Co-Founder of mydnad.com

My stepdaughter was not told she was adopted; a friend spilled the beans when she was 12. It was disastrous, and I didn't know about it until after I married her dad. I thought they were nuts not to tell her when it was well known in their small circle.

You have to let a child know his parentage at some time, but only you can judge if your son is ready. Is his real father ready to be a father? Better perhaps to let them connect on their own as time goes by - or not. If the man is going to disappoint your son, if he's not ready to 'be a dad' or not willing, you've done nothing but make your son miserable. If that is the case then let it ride and tell the boy when he's older.

And you do need to take into consideration the feelings of the man who has been so good to him all these years. Sometimes doing what seems to be the 'right' thing only turns out to be a hurtful one all around.

I have to throw my two very large cents in here. For those that advocate that this child's identity remain a secret, I would point to the likely possibility that the child will discover the truth as an adult, and as a result, could possibly destroy multiple families, friendships, and turn this poor kids identity and into a pariah.

Given that this circle knows the truth of this child's origins, and the father's desire to have a relationship with him, I think the child will eventually find out. If he discovers this as an adult, it will devastate him to the core.

Keeping a person's genetic identity a secret serves no one other than the person, or persons, holding the secret. It certainly is not in the interest of the child. I do not care if the father is indigent, a criminal, or a movie star. Money, social standing, or reputation have no relevance when it comes to denying someone's true identity. It is simply wrong. It is a human right to know who you are. If you disagree, then I am sure you have not had your identity kept from you.

It is this child's right to know who he is, pure and simple, as it was mine when I was his age. My father was denied to know the child that was me. He only knows the man I became. Although, he never knew he had a son until I called him, he was just as devastated as I was that our genetic ties were held a secret for over 40 years.

Holding this kind of secret is simply wrong. It will result in many lives being upended, and torn asunder. The most important variable is the child, not the selfish interests of the parents.

Dna does make you a father. Abusive and neglectful bad mothers would have you believe different... But these so called Sperm-Donors, are out friends our brother, our neighbors, police officers, firemen, congressman...
Child Abusers (Mothers), love to assign blame to make up for destroying the future of the children - If I had custody of a child, I can make him believe that a Hyena is his father- Abusive, selfish mothers; please be decent and tell your kids who their real fathers are. I understand that it may not matter to you - after all you already feel like for screwing this up so badly- but I guarrantee you that it will matter to the child who his bio-father is... Get clue