Ask Me Help Desk - Am I a control freak

Hello All,

I was browsing through Google and I found this forum, and actually found a topic that was similar (yet not so similar to the question I had) but here is my question:

I have been with my girlfriend since technically July but she went to college in Semptember in Kansas. She didn't want to go after she met me (we both live in New York) but she already paid for 1 semister so she was going to finish it out and come back. Now why she originally decided to go there was because her EX - enlisted into the army and was stationed there so decided to go there to be with him. But she promised me the world and told me she didn't love him and never did... OK... thats a whole nother story. We promised each other we would stay faithful etc. etc. all that good stuff. About two weeks into her being at college I had to go away on business to China for 2 weeks. I went called her a few times and that was that. So I call when I come back, it was morning - and she was in BED WITH HER EX! That was that. I said I was finished etc. etc. BUT - we already had prior engagements at her sisters wedding in NY. I am friends with her sister and now brother in-law that is how I met her - through them. I was still going to go to the wedding of course - and we put on the table that I was done with her she knew that. Anyway - long story short... we got back together ( pathetic I know ). She went back to college swore she was done ( and apparently she was ) Told me she was only with him twice (she felt lonely she said). Know later on I find out she was with 3 other guys when she was there in a 2 week period!! I forgave etc. etc. (I must be pathetic... wow... I realize this as I am writing ).

Anyway... now here we are in Feb. She has a longgg history with being with lots of other guys. Now she has TONS of guy friends and NO girl friends. Claim she hasn't cheated. She has MySpace and the picture is her in her bathing suit with her boobs hanging out! Not only myspace but - Facebook, hi5 etc. etc. And then Yahoo IM. And I go on her computer one day and some guy messagers her "Let me see you naked on your cam". She said nothing happened. Now, she has nothing but guy friends, they text her, call her, some of them are ex'es - 90% of them she fooled around with. And we were in Florida on vacation and "her friend" she wanted me to met who lived there (a guy) she put on speaker phone. I heard what she said and what he said. She said something along the lines of getting off something - and he said "well you can get me off" - WHILE HE WAS ON SPEAKERPHONE!
Then she says I am controlling and not sensible when I bring this up. Gets defensive, can't talk about it... etc. etc... says she loves and no one else is better for her. There are many more stories but I can only type for so long. She is a very pretty girl, I am a good-looking guy who is self - employed and not trying to be cocky - but I am better off financially then most.
BTW - yesterday we just went to go and get an abortion! It's her 3rd one!

So please tell me what you think! I just really kind of realized all of this as I was typing.. WOW - but still feedback please!

EXTRA's I FORGOT:
- She still talks to her ex in Kansas on a regular basis
- She has NO Job and hasn't since I met her - her family and I guess me too supports her

No offence to your "girlfriend", but...

I really don't get why some guy would put up with girls like her, while others would dump those who are sincere and genuine.

Sounds like she's just a girl with a pretty face, and a nice body.

Personality > appearance. But I don't know maybe she has a great personality too, but you just forgot to put that in your post.

Umm well I think you already know the answer... you should leave her, she's not worth the trouble. She's using you!! You deserve so much better. You asked if you are a control freak, NO if your sensible, NO. If you were sensible you would have ended it with her by now, she's NOT faithfull, so she obviously doesn't care for you very much. Your only pathetic if you keep it going now that you know how much your being played, and how much your letting her play you. She's instable and there's so many other better girls out there, go find someone who will treat you right.
And Good Luck with everything

You are not a control freak and you are also no too sensible concerning this girl. You need to take the blinders off, so to speak, and get yourself away from her. If for no other reason - for the fact of her sleeping with other guys and then still wanting to sleep with you. How safe and sensible is that? Not very, considering the risks of sexually transmitted diseases. Plus if she became pregnant, who would be the Father?

You have good solid reasons to leave this relationship - her infidelity, her lies, her lack of respect for you, the emotional abuse she is putting you through. You have become a convenient doormat. Sorry, but that is so unhealthy. She has lost your trust more than once, so why wait until the next time?

Let her go, she will land on her feet and go on to the next guy in short order. And please, do not look back and do not let her wiggle back into your life. Good luck.

Can I take the liberty of using your word... pathetic... Ain't that much love in the world

Forgive me but I am not sure I believe everything here... being well aware some posts are simple fiction for the giggles. And somehow I still have the BTW part still reverb'ing in my mind. If this is indeed real, you two might be good looking on the outside but the insides need an immediate major makeover. Focus on that-- you on yours, her on hers. Every single problem you mentioned stems from that.

Quote:

Originally Posted by valinors_sorrow

Forgive me but I am not sure I believe everything here... being well aware some posts are simple fiction for the giggles. And somehow I still have the BTW part still reverb'ing in my mind. If this is indeed real, you two might be good looking on the outside but the insides need an immediate major makeover. Focus on that-- you on yours, her on hers. Every single problem you mentioned stems from that.

No, this isn't for giggles. I am serious...
Thing is, she does have a great personality and is a great girl. I truly do believe she cares about me... in the beginning... maybe she didn't take it as serious as I did... but I kind of think we are on the same level now as far as it goes caring about each other. She is actually in the other room watching TV as I type now. And I showed her this post... not the replies. I just find it so hard to leave her. I really do care about her... and I don't know what's wrong with me... do I think I can make it work... am I trying to fix her? Do WE need therapy. I know this really sounds sick a twisted... the whole scenario - but... I don't know... hard to explain. She has been in a lot of twisted relationships.

What makes a girl great? That she is a liar, a cheat, or maybe that she has to satisfy her own feelings at any costs? Really? I wouldn't trust her as far as I can throw her and neither should you, but that's your choice. You're trying to make it work because you think the problem lies with you. You think that if you are "great" enough, she will drop every other guy and fall head over heels for you, making you worthy. Guess what? She won't. Not because you're not worthy of her, but because she loves no one but herself.

Come on, this girl is a tart, lies and cheats while you're gone with her ex whom she continues to talk to and then hooks up with 3 other guys in a 2 week period?? Don't get angry, but you seriously have to ask yourself this, is this girl doing this for money? Girls do it a lot more than you know, it pays the bills (school) and gives them the opportunity to have a little financial freedom and of course the sexually transmitted disease of choice.

If you think this is all you're worth, than by all means, lay down and continue to be her doormat!

Quote:

Originally Posted by mtjl79

No, this isn;t for giggles. I am serious...
Thing is, she does have a great personality and is a great girl. I truely do believe she cares about me...in the begining...maybe she didnt take it as serious as I did...but I kind of think we are on the same level now as far as it goes caring about eachother. She is actually in the other room watching TV as I type now. And I showed her this post...not the replies. I just find it so hard to leave her. I really do care about her...and I dont know what's wrong with me...do I think I can make it work...am I trying to fix her? Do WE need therapy. I know this really sounds sick a twisted...the whole scenario - but...i dont know...hard to explain. She has been in a lot of twisted relationships.

Good to know we aren't playing a game here. And yes, you said it exactly, it sounds twisted. If you can manage it, I would seek professional help and the sooner the better. I don't think you have to be "mentally ill" to benefit from help like that and I see problems compouning problems in a way that is far too great to be solved by anything anyone can post here, frankly. You will either both work it out, or go your separate ways but I bet you'll be better functioning people for it. Three abortions is not good (not to mention the dozen other serious problems you mentioned) and I am not saying I am against abortions, just that abortion ought not be used as a means of birth control like that. Get some help, okay?

The bottom line is when you are in a relationship with someone who is twisted, then you are twisted too.

Oh no, I didn't read the part about the abortions, 3 of them!! Yikes, its truly sad that this is how she gets rid of an inconvenience. Really? This is attractive to you? Why??

Pretty is not enough, she has no substance and no conscience. I think you do and you need to listen to it, it's warning you about this girl.

If this is serious... You need a helping hand TODAY. And the bravery to walk away from your current "situation" --- it's not your path to a happy life. Trust me. Hot crazy women are fun and addictive but look around - they'll bring your life down. She needs help, buut that's not what this posting is about. It's about you. And some challenging advice:
If your mom and dad were happily married and helped pay for your education, look to them. You are not headed that way with this girl. If they are not happy, you are just repeating learned behavior: survival=life... but thriving is living NOT surviving...
Now the challenge: what you REALLY need to feel a change that may go beyond what I or others here may be able to do online is to drop some of your well-earned money on a qualified therapist. Use the yellow pages under psychologists or psychiatrists or counselors. Do you have a doctor? Ask him to recommend 3 for you. It would only take about $100/week for a 8 weeks and you may feel totally revived from all this. You may think THIS is a joke. But it's serious. The events you described are of a man (you) with NO SELF WORTH. Just a desire to have sex if a girl grants it to you. Successful people PUSH THEMSELVES to avoid mediocrity but it is not easy. All the answers cannot be found online. And you are not crazy or weird to take the brave step of going wayyy beyond YouTube and Boobs and Abortions and Lying Girlfriends and seeing what you can be. It's a very tough step but in 10 years you will either be right where you are now in relationships or way past it - with a loving girl.

Quote:

Originally Posted by mtjl79

She has been in a lot of twisted relationships.

None more as twisted as this one I dare say!!