Ask Me Help Desk - Step Mother

My mom died six years ago. My dad remarried another woman 4 years ago. When she moved in she took down all the pictures of my real mom in the house. It ticked me off so me and my sister put them back up and she replaced them with pictures of her daughter. She is always grounding for stupid little things. I can't take it anymore. She is RUINING my life. I need to know how to handle this. Please give me some good advice..

I'm actually a stepmother with FIVE stepchildren and THREE stepgrandchildren. My honest advice? "Your" house is actually now "her" house. I have no photos of my late husband in my "new" husband's house... and he has no photos of his late wife. We have a new life together. We both will always miss and love our first spouses... but life goes on.

Where is your father when all this "taking pictures down, putting pictures up" is going on?

What are some examples of "stupid little things" you are getting grounded for? Keep in mind that it would probably be easier for her to have you OUT of the house than have you IN the house, giving her grief. She obviously cares for you or she wouldn't care what you do.

Referring to your mother as your real mother is offensive to a stepmother. I am the stepmother, not the real mother but not the pretend mother, either. They call me by my first name. I have never asked them to call me "Mom," although at one point they did ask.

Quite to the point - your stepmother married your father because she loved him. You happened to be part of the package. She could have walked away. She didn't.

You do your "real" mother no honor if you disrespect the female in your father's life. Disrespecting your stepmother or hurting her feelings or hanging your mother's photos in her face also disrespects your father.

This is as real as the advice can get. If you cannot deal with your father's remarriage out of some sense of grief and loss or disloyalty or something else you need to speak to someone about it, a counsellor, someone else. Perhaps your stepmother would be willing to participate at some point when you are comfortable having her there.

You need to cut your stepmother some slack.

Agreed, in fact your dad should have taken the photos of his ex wife down before he got remarried out of respect for his new wife. It is now her house also.

You should have course be allowed to have a photo of her in your room, but not all over the house.

You were very disrespectful in putting them back up. And I am sure your attitude toward her is most of the issue with being grounded all the time.

I would say, try to follow the rules of the house and get used to it.

If your stepmother gets offended by the fact that your real mother is your real mother, then she is out of touch with reality. My step grandmother keeps pictures of my real grandma around the house out of respect. Your dad forgot where his children came from. The one who should feel offended is your mother.

Quote:

Originally Posted by tirose6667

If your stepmother gets offended by the fact that your real mother is your real mother, then she is out of touch with reality. My step grandmother keeps pictures of my real grandma around the house out of respect. Your dad forgot where his children came from. The one who should feel offended is your mother.

First, what is your age?

Second, the OP's mother can "feel" offended because, of course, she's dead.

I see nothing indicating that he stepmother is offended by "the fact that [the] real mother is [her real] mother." In no way is she out of touch with reality. How do you come to that conclusion? I see the stepmother offended because it's HER house, she removed the photos, the stepdaughter hung them back up.

Where do you read that the father forgot where the children came from? I don't even see him mentioned anywhere in this thread.

The reality of this situation (and it also appears your situation) that a person has died, the surviving spouse has met and married someone else and the children and/or stepchildren cannot handle that situation. Not having my late husband's photos hung up around my house is in no way disrespectful to him. It was his expressed wish that I move on. I have my favorite photo of him on my desk. I have albums full of his photos.

Disrespectful is giving your stepmother a difficult time. That's disrespectful. I'm sure the stepmother (at times) is VERY grateful that she's not the "real" mother of this troubled child.