Do I trust my boyfriend or not?

Been with boyfriend a year now, partly long distance, but now in the same city. Boyfriend was married before.

Recently his best friend told me he was suspicious of another woman who has been chasing him for a while now. Boyfriend insists he was just friends with her however, she used to tell his best friend that she hoped they'd be together one day and how she's left her marriage for him. He denies knowing any of this.

He's also secretive with his phone. Don't have any evidence but gut feel isn't great. Love this guy, want to trust him but all the info is from his best friend, a reliable source. Help?

First of all, you're going based on hearsay from the best friend. Granted, I know best friends often have good intentions, but if this is an issue with your boyfriend, it's really something you ought to be talking to him openly and honestly about.

As for your other concerns, they are worth considering:

1. Gut feeling is off. Generally, I tend to trust my gut--it's helped me out of a lot of unpleasant situations.

2. Being secretive about things. It's fine to have boundaries and not share every last thing with your partner--but it's another thing altogether to omit things that you think are going to get you into trouble with your boyfriend or girlfriend. Has he always been this way about his phone, or is this a more recent development?

Additionally, I'd like to know what your relationship with his best friend is like. I'm assuming--rightly or wrongly--that the friend is a man as well. Is it possible that he's interested in you, and is potentially trying to throw a wrench into an otherwise happy relationship? Could he have some sort of a beef with your fellow over something?

At the end of the day, I always ask myself a set of questions when I'm suspicious of someone I'm seeing: First, is it possible that I'm blowing this out of proportion, and second, if he IS being unfaithful, I'd like to be damn sure before I start accusing him of things. I'd say speaking to him openly about your concerns in a rational and calm way, citing reasons for your concern, is the best way to go. If you start hysterically telling him that you're sure he's a rotten, stinking cheat, things are likely to go to hell in a handbasket. But being calm, noting particular behavioral or social changes, and addressing your concerns to him as a considerate partner is likely going to have a much more positive effect.

Hopefully you guys can work through this, and I hope this helps you out.

How old are you and who moved to be in the same city? Where is the best friend, what city? Do you live together?

Does he know his best friend is squealing on him? What does he say about why the best friend squeals on him?

Thanks for your thoughts

He's been more possessive of his phone since I've been back. There have been holidays where I've looked up my fb etc on his phone and he hasn't really cared. He has it on silent now and will turn it away. I've never touched it with or without his knowledge I wouldn't do that to him.
The best friend is a guy who is a childhood friend both his and mine. We've all known each other a long time just not closely . His best friend is engaged and I feel is just being a friend by voicing his fears about my boyfriend jeopardizing our relationship as he did his marriage. Bf was close friends with this woman but his ex didn't like it, he says he broke of the friendship but this woman claims otherwise to his friends. More recently she met his best friend and indicated a closeness still being there which made him paranoid. Bf can be secretive he thinks he's being private but both his friend and I worry that he can sometimes lie without knowing the impact of it.
I have discussed this woman and he assures me nothing is going on he's not in touch with her. We saw her recently and she walked up to say hi and once again say goodbye at the end of the night . I really really want to believe him but can't get this and his secretive phone behaviour out of my head just feel there's more to this. Another thing is that he says he loves me, can't do without me but no talk of future. He knows I want to settle down someday but he never talks about it, says he needs more time which is fine but I'm paranoid he's buying time to get over or sort his head with this woman, his family will never accept his having a future with her as she has kids etc
Thanks once more for your time.

We're both 30. I moved back to our home city and no we don't live together . The best friend lives here too and he knows he told me everything for which he was really angry and isn't really on great terms with him now. The best friend says that as his friend he wants to openly discuss this situation to put it to rest but boyfriend will not do so!

Hmmm. Wonder why? Oh well I suppose you could trust, but verify, but I would be suspicious, even more so if he didn't want to discuss this with his friend, but I cannot see where they could not have talked of it between them. No way they have not.

Maybe the best friend has tried to tell you something you need to know. That's what this looks like to me, from what you have written.

I agree--the best friend, if you know and trust him, is definitely trying to clue you in to something here. I'd still try the approach I outlined earlier: ask questions, explain your concerns, and offer reasons for those concerns. It's hard not to overreact and get angry (I know, I've done it), but if you're being honest about your concerns, then he ought to be honest about whatever potential connection he has with this woman.

Also, the future question is a little concerning. Are your ultimate aims the same? Do you both want kids? Travel? Pets? It may seem like speculation on a broad scale, but such things do eventually come up, and sometimes it's surprising how different your viewpoints and goals are. If you're both thirty, and you're starting to think about children and a life together, then you need someone who respects that choice and is, eventually, willing to commit to such a situation if that's what you've outlined as the kind of life you want.