Been with my boyfriend for 9yrs 1st yr wonderful too good to be true after that everything went down hill cheating from him late nights don't come home lying even had a kid with some other girl it been tragic but I stuck through it all this past yr it been like I don't have feeling I don't care I been just doing me he been trying to be all over me but I still can't trust him because of past issues with him we only talk about marriage when he has messed up we have been very distant from each other even though we live together I tell him the things I need but it never happens we have two kids and I just don't know what I want anymore I guess I wanted him when he wasn't ready but now he seems to want me and I ain't ready he is a good man but there always the past that.comes up and makes it harder to trust him I need help lost and confused

Often things can not be worked out and forgiven. Also it takes both sides wanting to change and fix things. If one side gets away with things, see's no result in bad behavior, often they see no reason to change either.

I would suggest one or both of these.
1. professional counseling to get communication open, now this does not mean things work out, very often in counseling we discover it will not work out.

2. Temp separation to get both sides time to get to a happy place without the other, while they are in counseling often.

I have pushed the counseling many times but he say he don't need it but I can go I mean I ain't no saint but I felt we both could benefit from it but never happens separation is scary for me but am slowly coming to terms of it may be the best thing for us

No trust = no relationship.

It's obviously not a simple case of breaking up, because you have kids together, so that complicates things. Sounds like it's been a one way relationship. You keep wanting to work things out, but he seems to keep taking you for granted.

How is your financial situation? Because if you split apart, be sure to get the child support that you require if you get custody of the children.

If he refused professional counseling then you two need to find another way to fix your problems. Something has to give. But if you don't trust him and he's not putting in the effort to strengthen the relationship, then what's the point of sticking around?

Don't stick around for the sake of sticking around just because you have such a long history. Life is too short to stick around with something that you don't deserve. Lift yourself up, have more integrity in yourself.

I work full time he doesn't work so I just asked him to go to counseling or temp separation he reply counseling