Ask Me Help Desk - Just found my boyfriend has been lying lots

So I found out my boyfriend has been lying to me about a few things. Small things, but they seriously bother me.

1) For fun, we both went through his laptop's search history and I found he was searching up the movies - "Barely Legal" and "Milf." And then there were searches on the actresses in those movies. I asked him why he was searching those. He said it was his friend searching when his friend had come over, and promised me saying he shouldn't have to promise though because I should trust him. He told me he will stop smoking, not because I asked him to, but because he knew I didn't like it I later checked my text messages and found that his friend hadn't come over that day the search occurred. I confronted my boyfriend who then confessed that he did indeed search those himself.

Why would he search these up? He says he doesn't even watch porn. Is he getting bored with me? The fact that he told me I should trust him and then made a promise on me makes it worse.

2) When we were just friends, he had told me that he will stop smoking because he knew I didn't like it. And it was his way of showing that he respects my thoughts. He later told me it was a change he wanted to make to show that he cared for me. And we started going out soon after. He had wanted to have one more of his favorite pack from his home country, which I got for him to have as his last ones. This was all 5 years ago. But after he confessed to me about the above (1) lie, he told he has smoked a few times since. Although he promised to me he will never smoke again. And twice when I smelt smoke stuff on him, he told me that his friends were smoking and that I shouldn't be asking because I should trust him.

3) Then the other day he said we should go to a strip club although he knew that I don't like it. I told him it would bother me and I've told him this before. Going to a strip club to look at other women and enjoy himself?-to me that's like cheating. Why would he want to do that when I'm here for him to do whatever? Well he confessed that he went to a strip club with his friends four years ago. And he never told me. And he had told me it doesn't even interest him. When I asked him why at first, he said because his friends asked him. Later he said he went out of "natural curiousity." And another time he said because he likes the atmosphere. So the second two reasons just totally contradict the first reason-cuz his friends dragged him. So he actually wanted to go. And he went. And I don't get why. Whatever he asked, I did. He said he left though because he didn't enjoy it, but that was after 20 minutes and 2 dances later. Ya right. And to add to it, he said he also tried weed and hookah all while we were seeing each other but failed to mention to me. And whenever I didn't mention something that I did, he would get pissed. All double standards.

I know there are people who don't care if their bfs did this. But I'm not like that-i want my man for my own and to be committed to me as I am to him. There are things I've changed about myself because either he's told me doesn't like them or because I know he doesn't like it. I'm only expecting from what he expects of me. And he knew this is who I am before we started dating. So I don't get why he's even with me if he wants all this other stuff.

And even sadder? He's the superstitious and religious one, so when he's making all these promises, which he said is on my life, so this means he doesn't really care for me?

Sad thing is, although I am so mad at him, I can't imagine my life without him. I don't know what the hell I'm suppose to do. This all happened about 2-3 weeks ago and I still can't get over it. I keep thinking about all the lies. (He lied to me about something else last year-august, and I had told him that a relationship should not be based on lies, and he promised me that he won't lie to me again, but he smoked last december-after the promise. I don't know what else he's lied to me about.

I'm sorry about your problem. Listen though if he lies and you only find out way after the fact there's a problem. Even worse don't you wonder what else he has been lying to you about and you don't even know? I know it's a difficult situation but lying shows disrespect and you should be getting that for a relationship uve been in for over 5 yrs. You need to seriously consider if you want to continue feeling this way or not. If it was meet, I would just start questioning everything he did and didn't do while he was around me and eventually call it a day. Good luck and remember that you don't deserve this.

I still have questions about what else he lied to me about. But he said that he sees how much that this has hurt me and once again promised (but says this time he means it) that he won't lie to me again. He says he understands that I don't have to trust him. I believe he loves me and that's why I'm trying give it a chance. But than you're right-5 yrs with a bunch of lies... kind of just puts holes into that special thing I thought we had.

IT appears he lies ( which is not right) because you expect him.
1. not to look at porn and most likely it is easier to lie than to fight about looking at it. Most men look at porn, I would be somewhat concerned if he did not look some.
Looking at porn has nothing to do with you. So if you would accept the fact he is gong to look at it, and not make him feel wrong when he does, he would not have to lie.
He would prefer to fight those few times you find out, than every time he looks. Perhaps even trying to watch it with him and share it with him.

2. he smoked a few times after telling you he was going to stop. I am sorry, get a life, this is smoking, hard to quit and at times he may fall back, What did you want him to do, he may not even remember his dozen or more promises about stoping smoking. You are looking for things to be upset about if this is a concern. To be honest if this is a issue, stop dating anyone and live your life alone, since this is better than you will ever find it, if this smoking is a "issue"

3. While I don't condone of strip clubs personally, again, this has nothing to do with you, and men will from time to time go with their buddies, esp when they are young and going out to strip clubs. Again, you told him you were against it, and made again such a big deal, he can not be honest and open with you about what he wants to do.

Now he should be able to and say well I am going to go. But of course he most likely prefers to tell you what you want to hear since you are not open to discuss this.

Most of this is things men do lie about, most likely lied about things with past girlfriends too and a dozen other private things you do not want to talk about or accept.

You have to be open to allow him to do and be who he wants to be,

You've created an impossible standard for him to live up to. The poor guy is only human, and like Chuck said, you are deliberately building brick walls for him to crash into. You say you want your man for your own, which sounds an awful lot like you want to control every aspect of his life and remake him into what you think he should be. You are his girlfriend, not his mother.

What hasn't he liked about you that you then changed?

He said he doesn't like a girl who drinks lots. So I just don't drink. He also doesn't like me to dress with too much skin showing, so I dress modestly. He doesn't like me staying out late with friends, I don't.

Also would he be OK with me stripping at a strip club or making a porno? No. But it's the same thing. If he can look at another women and enjoy, why can't other men look at me and enjoy it. He thinks that if I do it is wrong, but if he does it, it's natural curiosity.

And there are guys who are true to their girl and honest with her, so it's not that I have to just expect my guy to be dishonest and expect him to do things behind my back that would hurt me.

The thing is the though, it's not about me controlling. He himself told me this is how he is, that he doesn't smoke anymore, he is not interested in looking at other women. So he set these expectations in me. So is it wrong for me to expect him to be this way. I started liking him from how he portrayed himself to be.

Quote:

Originally Posted by isba15

he said he doesn't like a girl who drinks lots. So I just don't drink. He also doesn't like me to dress with too much skin showing, so I dress modestly. He doesn't like me staying out late with friends, I don't.

If you were an alcoholic and he asked you to stop drinking, then you might begin to have an idea of how difficult it is for a smoker to quit smoking. Fortunately you didn't appear to be addicted to drinking but he is addicted to smoking. If he lied to you about completely quitting smoking then the only reason I could think of would be because he didn't want to disappoint you.

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Also would he be OK with me stripping at a strip club or making a porno? No. But it's the same thing. If he can look at another women and enjoy, why can't other men look at me and enjoy it. He thinks that if I do it is wrong, but if he does it, it's natural curiosity.

Are you serious? There is no way this is the same thing. The same thing would be if you and some of your female friends went to a ladies night at a club where there was a male stripper. If you're going to to make comparisons, then they have to be the same comparisons. He wasn't the one stripping so how do you think that you stripping would be the same?

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And there are guys who are true to their girl and honest with her, so it's not that I have to just expect my guy to be dishonest and expect him to do things behind my back that would hurt me.

The thing is the though, it's not about me controlling. He himself told me this is how he is, that he doesn't smoke anymore, he is not interested in looking at other women. So he set these expectations in me. So is it wrong for me to expect him to be this way. I started liking him from how he portrayed himself to be.

As Wondergirl said, he's only human. There are going to be times that he says or does things that disappoint you. There are going to be times when he lies to you, probably because he doesn't want you to be unhappy that he can't meet the ridiculous standards you're setting. You're going to have to either lower your expectations or get used to being lied to if you want to maintain a relationship with ANY man, not just this one.

Well the reason I said I should strip instead of attend a strip club is because men react to naked women differently then the women do to men. Why is it that he has to set the standard. Why is it that if a man goes to a strip club a woman has to accept it and if she wants she can go to a male strip club. Why can't it be the other way around. Why can't a woman go strip, and if the boyfriend has a problem, tell him to go and strip? It's the same thing isn't it? But a man can't accept it. Why? If a woman strips it bothers the man more than if a man strips. Why? Because guys look at girl with lust. Women don't. It isn't the same, and I've had this talk with my boyfriend and he accepts it. If you are being honest, I think you would too.

You've totally missed Lisa's point. Her analogies and comparisons were right on the money!

Men and women are NOT the same. Men are visual; we are not nearly as much, especially where sex is concerned. We come into it from an emotional point of view. I would get turned on if my husband matched his clean socks and put them away neatly in his sock drawer.

You probably wouldn't watch a male stripper because it wouldn't do anything for you. I know it wouldn't do anything for me. If the stripper leaves his clothes on and cooks a good dinner and cleans up afterwards with hot, soapy dishwater and SOS, I'm his fan forever!

Quote:

Originally Posted by isba15

Well the reason i said i should strip instead of attend a strip club is because men react to naked women differently then the women do to men. Why is it that he has to set the standard. Why is it that if a man goes to a strip club a woman has to accept it and if she wants she can go to a male strip club. Why can't it be the other way around. Why can't a woman go strip, and if the boyfriend has a problem, tell him to go and strip? It's the same thing isn't it? But a man can't accept it. Why? If a woman strips it bothers the man more than if a man strips. Why? Because guys look at girl with lust. Women don't. It isn't the same, and i've had this talk with my boyfriend and he accepts it. If you are being honest, I think you would too.

You really did miss the point. Yes, men and women react differently to visual stimulation. But do you really think that him going to a strip club and watching is on the same level as you going to a strip club and performing??

One thing I've learned during 24 years of marriage to the same man is that a relationship works on compromise. Each partner has to give in and accept certain things about the other. Each of you has to determine which things you'll accept and which things are unacceptable. I can definitely understand not being willing to accept lying. But maybe if you were a little more willing to compromise on other issues then he may not feel the need to lie to you.

Best of luck.

Quote:

Originally Posted by isba15

he said he doesn't like a girl who drinks lots. So i just don't drink. He also doesn't like me to dress with too much skin showing, so I dress modestly. He doesn't like me staying out late with friends, I don't.

Also would he be ok with me stripping at a strip club or making a porno? No. But it's the same thing. If he can look at another women and enjoy, why can't other men look at me and enjoy it. He thinks that if I do it is wrong, but if he does it, it's natural curiosity.

And there are guys who are true to their girl and honest with her, so it's not that i have to just expect my guy to be dishonest and expect him to do things behind my back that would hurt me.

The thing is the though, it's not about me controlling. He himself told me this is how he is, that he doesn't smoke anymore, he is not interested in looking at other women. So he set these expectations in me. So is it wrong for me to expect him to be this way. I started liking him from how he portrayed himself to be.

He said he doesn't like girls who drink a lot - so you don't drink at all. That isn't what he said (from my reading).

It's a far stretch from going to a strip club and watching porno to being the stripper and being in a porno film. I think you've made a big leap there, a leap which makes no sense.

The other stretch is "If he can look at another women and enjoy, why can't other men look at me and enjoy it." He is looking at other women because HE enjoys looking. That is the same as you looking at other men and enjoying looking. Men looking at you for their enjoyment? That's another topic.

He lies because it's easier than arguing with you.

You seem to want a lot of control in this relationship. If he's not who you thought he was, get out of the relationship. Attempts to change other people don't work out.

I think you are asking too much of him, particularly when you are going back 4 years to find flaws.

I have to agree with what everyone told you here... you are making unreasonible demands... and trying to compare apples to oranges.

Looking isn't cheating... and you might LOVE vanilla milkshakes... but if you had them 3 times a day every day... at some point the appeal is going to wear thin.

Continue to tell him what he can and can't do... and he's going to develop a world class case of resentment. And what you are doing is being controlling... VERY controlling.

I'm a married man... my wife knows the difference between those... I can window shop all I want... as long as I don't take one out for a test drive.

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Originally Posted by smoothy

I can window shop all I want...as long as I don't take one out for a test drive.

And if she tries to control you and constantly shames you, your inclination would be to take that test drive.

- And you'll make the drive in secret.

(Great words, Smoothy - great, wise words.)