I am a desperate single disabled mother with a 18 year old son that refuses to move out of my home. He has been very abusive (threats, pushed me, yells, swears- uncontrollably, has temper tantrums (serious), punching holes in walls, blames me for not having his father etc). This is a child that I love very much but has become impossible to live with. Example: He will suddenly blow up if I dare to say NO or even try to be a mom. He suddenly acts like a wild man! His girl friend (submissive), has admitted he has physically hurt her before and he has confessed to it! He has also confessed of his own nightmare w/abuse! But as time has gone by, he has gone into denial completely. When he was 17, ranting and raving at home about everything he didn't control etc. having problems attending school regularly, (as he had his own schedule), became a truant, grades started going down from A's to D,s & F,s, and then as a result, finally got transferred out of high school when he became 18 years old as the school got tired of his always sliding by the rules, and his coaches began to see that he lies and makes excuses for his lies. Most worrisome of all, I feel, he lives a dual life, and pretends to be the rich someone that he is NOT. His temper has gotten worse and worse towards me as he has decides to blame me for all his bad choices, school problems, not having a father in his life, and what hurts the most, for the hurtful past we have both suffered through together. A nightmare that led me to sacrifice my entire life to protect my child!

I have to emphasize the fact that this is a child that is extremely intelligent and always was #1 in Sports he won't settle for being #2. If you saw him you would never think for one minute that he had an anger problem, and he has convinced many counselors of this too! He was on medication at one time in the past and admitted being abusive to his best dearest friend, now he swears that I am just trying to ruin his reputation/life he is in denial about everything too painful to him. Just recently, I had to call the cops, as he had just threatened me and pushed me around, but they said there was nothing they could do until he was a adult, or I showed signs of being hurt. Very recently, when I called them again for help, scared to return home after a 10 day hospital stay (chronic illness), the cops stated that I have to continue to live in this nightmare until he hurts me or, or I serve him with an 30 day eviction notice, or restraining order (no promises that the judge will grant one without any wounds)! OK cops what about my heart wounds? As he goes on living a in his own total dream world, and the only ones that really know his full person, is myself, his brother and VERY passive girl friend! Hold on, yes the one he physically hurt in the past. He is not the typical street child, but is his own worst enemy! I am wonder if anyone out there has any ideas as to what I can do to make my 18 year old son leave and stop tormenting me? No one should have to live being abused verbally or physically. My precious son, the one, yes I have loved, protected and would sacrifice my entire life for, again, (another story). I end this now with a thought for all you moms out there, I believe that a moms love is "unconditional" unlike no other, but what comes with such love is pain! Being a parent is a responsibility that no one should take lightly! What does one do when her greatest nightmare has come to be... your precious child that you have wrapped your entire life around has become your worst enemy! Goodbye, thanks for listening.

Well, seems to me it time for him to go and be on his own. If he won't move out, go to your local magistrates office and file an eviction, then deputies will serve these papers to him and he won't have a choice but to leave, or be put out by law enforcement. We raise our children the best we can, but when it comes to being scared of them, then its time for them to fin for themselves.

Whitty

When he starts in like that, call the police and report the abuse. In fact I would not wait until he starts in again - I would call and talk to the police and ask what my rights and options are here. If you do not feel comfortable in that, call a disability advocate, call a women's shelter, an abuse shelter, SOMEONE in a position to be able to help you. Perhaps someone who can even get you out to safety long enough for you to evict your son. You are worried about your "heart wounds". I can understand that, I have three children. But listen - someday it is going to be more than your heart and very serious. An abuser does not stop abusing. An abuser generally picks people he can bully and threaten and hit on that he knows will not do anything about. He enjoys the control. He feels like the Master. He has no real knowledge about what that really means so he uses his temper and fists as means to exert his authority.

From what you say about him, it sounds almost like he is into drugs - with the personality changes. If he is not taking illegal drugs he still needs professional help. One day he will find himself in prison. He will come after someone who will not tolerate his attitude and behavior. You are not doing him any favors by letting him keep on the way he is. Sorry to say that, but it is true. Cut the ties, cut the umbilical cord and get him out of your house. Get a protective order if necessary. If you are not going to take steps to protect yourself, who will?

First let me say that I am so sorry for the pain that you are going through. It really has to be rough.

Now, with that said. If you are here in the states you can call your local department of human services and get a number for the elder abuse hotline in your area. Mind you, you don't have to be elderly to use this number, just a younger person has to be abusing you. If you are 30 and your 10 year old is abusing you, that is elder abuse, if you get my drift.

The Department of Human Services should have many numbers that you can call to get help and support.

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Originally Posted by Angelikat

I am a desperate single disabled mother with a 18 year old son that refuses to move out of my home. He has been very abusive (threats, pushed me, yells, swears- uncontrollably, has temper tantrums (serious), punching holes in walls, blames me for not having his father etc). This is a child that I love very much but has become impossible to live with. Example: He will suddenly blow up if I dare to say NO or even try to be a mom. He suddenly acts like a wild man! His girl friend (submissive), has admitted he has physically hurt her before and he has confessed to it! He has also confessed of his own nightmare w/abuse! But as time has gone by, he has gone into denial completely. When he was 17, ranting and raving at home about everything he didn't control etc., having problems attending school regularly, (as he had his own schedule), became a truant, grades started going down from A's to D,s & F,s, and then as a result, finally got transferred out of high school when he became 18 years old as the school got tired of his always sliding by the rules, and his coaches began to see that he lies and makes excuses for his lies. Most worrisome of all, I feel, he lives a dual life, and pretends to be the rich someone that he is NOT. His temper has gotten worse and worse towards me as he has decides to blame me for all his bad choices, school problems, not having a father in his life, and what hurts the most, for the hurtful past we have both suffered through together. A nightmare that led me to sacrifice my entire life to protect my child!

I have to emphasize the fact that this is a child that is extremely intelligent and always was #1 in Sports he won't settle for being #2. If you saw him you would never think for one minute that he had an anger problem, and he has convinced many counselors of this too! He was on medication at one time in the past and admitted being abusive to his best dearest friend, now he swears that I am just trying to ruin his reputation/life he is in denial about everything too painful to him. Just recently, I had to call the the cops, as he had just threatened me and pushed me around, but they said there was nothing they could do until he was a adult, or I showed signs of being hurt. Very recently, when I called them again for help, scared to return home after a 10 day hospital stay (chronic illness), the cops stated that I have to continue to live in this nightmare until he hurts me or, or I serve him with an 30 day eviction notice, or restraining order (no promises that the judge will grant one without any wounds)! OK cops what about my heart wounds? As he goes on living a in his own total dream world, and the only ones that really know his full person, is myself, his brother and VERY passive girl friend! Hold on, yes the one he physically hurt in the past. He is not the typical street child, but is his own worst enemy! I am wonder if anyone out there has any ideas as to what I can do to make my 18 year old son leave and stop tormenting me? No one should have to live being abused verbally or physically. My precious son, the one, yes I have loved, protected and would sacrifice my entire life for, again, (another story). I end this now with a thought for all you moms out there, I believe that a moms love is "unconditional" unlike no other, but what comes with such love is pain!! Being a parent is a responsibility that no one should take lightly! What does one do when her greatest nightmare has come to be....your precious child that you have wrapped your entire life around has become your worst enemy! Goodbye, thanks for listening.

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Just KICK HIM OUT he's 18 years old and needs to be on his own it time for him to MOVE OUT! Or WRITE TO dR pHIL HE CAN HELP!

First the police officer lied to you, any sign of abuse or violence is enough to arrest him for domestic violence. If he hits a hole in the wall that is all the evidence they need to arrest him, and where I worked it was a state law you had to arrest him, if not you could as the officer be held perosnally liable if there was more violence latter.

Also you don't have to evict a grown child just living at your home, you change the locks and kick him out.

I have decided to evict my 18 year old son due to his out of control behavior/abuse! Do I have to formally evict him? I would like him to leave immediately as I am afraid he may really hurt me someday. I love him so much and really am sad that I cannot help him in his college years etc. but he is totally living in unreality! Resentment for everything he does not have and my being disabled, etc. I would appreciate it if anyone has knowledge of the CA. laws in evicting a family member.
Thank you.
Angelikat

I just noticed your post was from Feb. 2007. I felt like I was reading my own story when I read yours. My son is bipolar and goes off meds and smokes weed. He gets totally out of control when off meds. Have had to call and have him taken to hospital. Just had to do this and after hosp. he was sent to Fla to Dual/Diag. place. They sent him on plane in two days because he made it miserable for them and is 24 & does not have to stay.

I thought I didn't have a choice & picked up from airport, he punched my windshield so hard in a tantrum over calling to have him taken to hosp. Has been unbearable since he has been home. Tonight he pushed me around, threw a glass and there is another hole in the wall. After he left I can down the basement and there is a huge punch hole in the wall going downstairs.

I know I must be out of my mind not to have called the cops by now. He gets a small SSI check when he is not working which is now again and he may be eligible for a subsidized apartment. I have been desperately calling the person & will call again Monday. He is in the system and I just have to speak to someone to let know he is home from hospital & they can start searching. Have tried to hang in there until he can get out. I can't live like this. When he is on meds it is fine. This is not the first time I or his father, who doesn't live here, had to have him taken to hosp. or called the cops.

Am starting to be afraid of him - especially in the last few days.
I know how you feel. If I see there is no way for him to get out soon, I am going to see if they have emergency housing because this is awful.

I don't have an answer for you but just wanted you to know I feel your pain.
I am in shock that I did not call the police after he ruined my windshield at the airport.

Take care.

Do something quick! My son has been the same way. He is 33. Now, he is in jail for 2nd degree domestic assault on myself. I feel terrible about the whole thing. You can't make him want to do what is right! My son is going to be facing 1 to 7 years in DOC. I wish he would have been willing to let me help him admit himself to the hospital. He was aware that he was out of control. His drinking made it so much worse. Get him some help even if from the law. Otherwise he will get worse and end up dead of in prison.

It sounds like you are talking about my 17year old son. I have been told by numerous people who know mental disorders that my son is more than likely bi polar. In Canada they cannot be diagnosed until they are an adult.I have been trying many agencies to get help, but it is almost impossible, I even had a shrink say to my son that it is me that sets him off. My son was so happy that he could blame me for his outbursts... We need a support group so we can hang on to our self esteem. I know how good a Mom you are, because I am the same. If you weren't a good Mom you would not care so much and would not have written to this site for advice. I have just been living one day at a time. I hope you have been able to find a solution . Hang in there.

I am so sorry you're going through this! I'm in a similar situation with my 19-year-old son, who wants to control everything about me and our household, and he 's resorted to choking me and threatening my life on many occasions. He refuses to get a job and contribute money, and I'm at my wits' end. His father was the same way... now I'm living it all over again.

I am seeking guidance from experts on this matter, although he has also convinced them that he's "just fine." We have a program to help people like this get their own apartments, and this is what I want to happen, although I love him with all my heart. Then, he can see how hard it is to run a household on little nothing.

Even if our boys won't get help, we must. There are support systems in place and we must utilize them. Meanwhile, we must keep in mind that the problem is theirs, and we must not let them tear us down.

Keep your head up; accept any help you can; and remember that you aren't alone. I'll be thinking about you... the best of luck!

I'm so sorry for your pain. My 19yo son is in the same position, but he was able to avoid incarceration. However, if I were to report the abuse he's been inflicting on me (choking me, threatening my life, destroying my car), he'd go to prison for his previous incident (aggravated intimidation). If I report it, he'd get eaten alive in prison. He's extra smart with an extra-smart mouth, he barely weighs anything, and would never survive.

I'm doing everything I can, but he won't accept help. What the heck do we do?

Like you said... something fast.

Thanks for listening.

Sound just like a familier situation here...