I really can't understand why I keep cocking up in relationships. I had a pretty insignificant love life before I married my husband who chased me for a year. He went on to have an affair when I was pregnant with our second child. I then met a lovely man who reinstated my faith in me, he was trustworthy, loving, loyal but after 4years together he bored me and that spark had died. I dumped him a few times but then I would miss him and we'd get back together. When we finally split it was him who dumped me and it was final. I was devastated and went on self destruct. Four months later I met a man who was one of the dad's from my children's school and his son is in my sons class. We started to see each other and I had never felt like this in my life he was amazing he said he loved me after a week but he was obsessed with work and was quite selfish. His wife had had an affair and he was very bitter about that. Anyway after 2.5 months he dumped me after we'd had a few words that I felt I was at the bottom of his pile of responsibilities. He said he felt that he was married again and felt he never had time for himself. I was absolutely devastated.

The next major man was in July and we met and hit it off wonderfully. Then a week into things my dad was rushed into hospital and was in intensive care for four weeks then sadly passed away. Obviously I was devastated by this and was very up and down. My boyfriend was lovely just hanging out in the background and coming over making me laugh and just being nice. About three weeks after my dad died me and my boyfriend had a row I asked him to leave and the next day he said he couldn't see a relationship working if we were falling out after 2months, I apologised and said it was the wine we'd consumed (he said some awful things). Anyway things seemed to change after that and he became more sharp. He works long hours but kept falling asleep and not wanting to do much. It made me feel like crap. It's a long story but one night he called me and said that he wanted to call it a day, he couldn't see us working long term and that he felt like after 4 months he should be madly in love with me and he wasn't and that there was no spark between us (and there had been). He just seemed to change. I haven't been in contact with him apart from to wish him well on a work trip and from that he asked if he could come and get his stuff he'd left at my house, we arranged for him to come over but two hours before he cancelled saying he was tired and could he come the next day. I said I was out so that wasn't convenient. I haven't heard a peep since. I just can't understand how the spark died so fast, can we get it back? Please someone point me in the right direction and also can someone see why I keep getting dumped :(

I think you are a victim of too much to fast, crash and burn.

Its been my experience that those who latch onto others rather quickly, end up having unrealistically high expectations, are insecure and needy, and emotionally draining.

May I suggest you learn to be a happy single person for a few years and just have fun with others, rather than depending on them making you happy?

Lust fades, love grows, and what attracts us, changes and we work to see if there is something else to keep us.

I think you benefit by proving to yourself that you can be happy on your own, by yourself.

Confused Girl,

Welcome to this beautiful site, first!

Your case is not abnormal or unusual. Everyone faces such or other type of emotional problems, in his/her life. Unrealistically high expectations lead to insecurity and dependence, rather indispensibilit, which leads to emotional draining. Better if you take a sex holiday or friendship holiday, for some time.

Thanks Talaniman you advise is welcomed. I think you're right I have rused into the last two relationships far too fast. The most recent boyfriend I want to say let's try again but slower and get to know each other slowly, do you think there is any piont? But caN you get the spark back? I also think you're so right about the being happy with me, I wish I was content with myself but I feel weak that I am not in a relationship and that people think there is something wrong with me. How can I be happy with me? I want to feel that someone enhances my life but I don't need them.

Also I don't know if I have unrealistic expectations? Is this obvious in my post, I am interested to learn more so I can change this. Look forward to your responses x

Its very obvious from what you have written that you think being in a relationship gives you some value, and that you brush through the necessary steps of building a healthy foundation to sustain a healthy relationship and that starts with having a great relationship with yourself.

The way you relate to others starts with your own self image and esteem, that's built slowly over time by accomplishing small goals, and overcoming obstacles. Its simple really, since a relationship with others is about sharing and caring so what is it you have to share with others besides neediness, insecurity, fear and low esteem, and dependence and impatience?

Kind of one sided where you take, but not give in the same way. Any spark can be destroyed quickly, and never gotten back and for that reason I suggest you rethink your dependence of another, and gain value through doing for yourself.

If you become happy with who you are, you may control negative impulses to act out of just feelings, and not facts.

I want to be happy with me so much, is it that obvious that myself esteem is shot? I always think that I will get dumped, they'll go off me, they will have an affair, not all of these together but I also think why do they want to spend time with me. I funny thing is that I have lots of really good friends and have no trouble sustaining friends but with a man its different. I start cool and they fall for me then expect them to consider me and if they're awful or snappy I take it very personally.

Can you be more explicit about how I can be happy with me? I don't mind my own company but I love spending time with friends and my kids and family but I just feel lost and that something is missing because I haven't got a partner. I feel I will never meet someone and be really happy, how sad is that.

Are there any books or website you can advise me to look at as a starting point? I am 40, I really feel that I should be settles and happy and that I should be able to deal with relationships better :(

I very much appreciate your comments and feed back x

How to Be Happy with Yourself - The Secret of Happiness

When guys hit on you, just say No, as healing is what you need more than a partner. Make guy friends, not lovers.

Bet you have never given yourself a chance to heal from past emotional traumas, or hurts.

Please do so now.

Thanks for the link, are there any others or books you can recommend.

I have got guy friends and I am making the most of having a male in my life as I like male company.

I just feel lonely and very vulnerable which I agreement. I look at my friends who are married or settled and feel really sad and a little jealous, I wish I had a complete package and was settled.

Thanks so much.

Gee, I wish there was a way to push that darned helpful button 3 million times over. Talaniman hit the nose right on the head.

Confusedgirly, I absolutely understand, 100%. I would like to get married, but, at the same time it's so very important to wait and be with your soulmate. You know what they say:"Good things come to those who wait!" Start rediscovering yourself. Enjoy life a little. As I have said before, make a list of things you are looking for in a mate. Also make a list of things you don't want in a mate.

Keep positive. Positive thinking leads to endless possibilities!

Sometimes we dump.

Sometimes we get dumped.

Not everyone is meant to be. Sometimes we share a day, sometimes a life together.

Know yourself & what you want. What & you makes you feel good.

Before you enter a relationship. What you want.

The best ones are those that you don't even have to question. Unconditional.
Friends, family, whatever.

Strive for that. Use your gut & learn from your experiences.

I agree with everything Tal has pointed out.
Facts are facts. Everything else is fantasy.

I am so confused - shall I just leave it that it is over and move on but I just keep thinking about the fact he called me loads, a few days before we finished he text me loads saying he missed me, he wished he was with me. The next day he was hung over and I was annoyed because I felt he wasn't thinking about me and that it was my weekend too.

I know he had a weird childhood and felt that he always expects to be let down by people. I think he probably felt I wasn't happy with him as I was up and down because of my dad and I did have little gibes at him but really I should have respected that he liked doing what made him and happy.
I want to talk to him and explain and see if we can take it slowly but don't know if it is a good idea. I just don't want to be rejected if he doesn't want it but I know he would never contact me as he is stubborn and just doesn't go back unless the girl contacts him. I'm so confused - please help :(

Do NOTHING, until the confusion is gone, and you feel very good without him. That simple, so deal with YOUR own confusion, YOURSELF.

When you can stand for yourself, without confusion, then you will never fall for somebody else's BS!!

Read what you wrote,

Quote:

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but I know he would never contact me as he is stubborn and just doesn't go back unless the girl contacts him

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Why give this fool power that he doesn't have? Power over your happiness. Keep your own power, and there is nothing confusing about that!

talaniman - thanks again, you must find me very frustrating. I keep thinking if I hadn't been so up and down because of my dad's death and probably needy it would've been OK. I really want to say let's give it another go but I am scared of rejection and as you say he will then have to control over my happiness. When you say if I'm happy with me I won't believe anyone's BS, what do you mean?

I want so much to sort this out but I want to be truly happy. I don't know if I ever will be .

Quote:

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When you say if I'm happy with me I won't believe anyone's BS, what do you mean?

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A person that loves themselves knows how to recognize, and protect themselves against the selfish agenda of others who use sweet words on weak people to take what they want, on their terms, that seldom work for their VICTIMS.

I realize you are at a weak, and very vulnerable state, so help yourself regain your own strength, through making yourself happy, and keeping your dignity, and self respect. Then you will never be a VICTIM, of someone's agenda.

You need true friends, and healthy activities, NOT him!!

Hi I've spoken to him tonight and he is coming over on Friday to get his things. He was chatty asking how I was, I was chatty and light hearted back. I said if he wanted to come over when I was out if he didn't want to see me that was OK but he said no and he was sorry if he'd given me that impression. Do you think I should tell him how I feel? Confused again!

Hell NO! Why would you? Smile and get this over with, and start the true healing process.

I agree w/Tal. Let him get his stuff & have him make it snappy.

He already knows how you feel. Make it as painless as possible. Don't get into the past w/him.

Then, when you shut the door, you can start living again.

Without this BS.

God I am so weak, he came for his things yesterday and I was all ready for him. He was late (I should've taken this as a hint as if I meant anything he would've been on time), he was dressed very scruffily and unshaven. He came in and we were chatting then we got on about our relationship, he said he tried to like me more but there wasn't that connection and he is an eternal romanticist and felt it should always be there. I said I felt he hadn't met the real me as obviously I went into a different vulnerable mode when my dad was ill. I said I found he hard to understand, he said if he really likes someone he isn't like that but he said he didn't give me any BS to lead me on but I wish he would've communicated with me rather than just ripping the rug from under my feet. I (probably looked pathetic and needy) suggested to him the we maybe go out once a week and have fun and see how it goes but he said it wasn't a good idea and he didn't want to lead me on. He asked about my kids and how they had taken it so I told him the truth that they'd been devastated as they really liked him. He started to cry when I told him that which made me think Jesus he couldn't give a toss about me but he is crying over them.

He left, we gave each other a hug and I cried. I felt like a pathetic freak who had almost tried to persuade him to give it another go and say all the hurtful things to me that he said on the phone when he dumped me.

Later that night he text me to say his car had been taken by the police as he hadn't insured his car and that will make you pleased. I said why would that make me pleased? Then he started going on about my daughter and son and how he wanted to see them... That upset me because he doesn't want me but he is getting upset about my children.

I feel so kicked in and low again. Please please help, I'm so low

Finality is disappointing to face but its been done, now stop the contact, and let time do what it does best, allow healing, and acceptance.

No reason to beat yourself up over him any more.

I can't understand why there was connection when there was, how can he just given me up. I don't think he thinks highly of himself and that's why he's so shocked that my kids have been gutted that he has gone, he just didn't think they would be.