It's been a life long problem... I just can't seem to hold interest in anything. It's not that I don't have interests, it's just when I engage in them and learn how limited they are I just grow tired of it. I attribute it to why I can't hold a job for more than a few months, because I have to make myself zone out just to bear the boredom of doing the same thing over and over again every day. I couldn't make it through college because I ended up losing interest in the classes I took and if they weren't easy enough to just sail through I just failed the class.

Also being threatened with failing in life and ending up on the street is little deterrence. I know there is little chance of escaping the mind numbing grind of life to even care, ending up with nothing and sleeping and eating out of a garbage can almost seems like a better deal. I would kill myself but everyone says it's a bad idea, but it is just an idea and I actually have little interest in actually doing it.

Sometimes I wish I would get cancer or something so I don't have to worry about making other people happy or whatever I can think of to tell myself for having a job and such (a job which I will probably get fired from soon anyways). However I will never be that lucky to get a terminal disease like that.

Basically if I have to work through life to just keep digging through the crap my life is I would just rather sit down and do nothing and hope someone gives me something, either that or find something in life that isn't so limited and is actually interesting then I might do that. It's not really something I can prevent, once I hit a wall in whatever it is I am doing, either because it's to hard to work at or it is just not possible I just mentally shut down and go into drone mode, just putting in minimal effort. It usually ends up in me getting injured somehow as well.

I also have seemed to stop trying new things so I can stop wasting peoples time, I am almost to the point where people are going to stop giving me chances to try new things because I am such a liability. The only thing that would keep me going is a comfortable amount of money, but I am really not worth it, and probably wouldn't accept the money if someone offered it to me anyway, I would rather see them burn it.

Alas, I digress, I really don't know what to expect here, but you never know.

I am not sure what you are looking for, here.

How do you support yourself, and how old are you.

Have you been, or are you being, treated for any mental health issues such as depression?

When is the last time you had a complete physical. Do you have family or friends? Do you engage in any social activities? What do you do with your time.

It is hard to tell from what you've written, whether you simply prefer to be alone, without any responsibilities, or if this has become more of a lifestyle for some reason, or you lack confidence, job skills, support etc. And if it is something like that, what has been done all this time to address any issues.

Have you tried counselling or therapy of some sort? Was there major trauma in your life, or do you have any physical barries to overcome because of illness or injury? You mentioned that you get injured when you work frequently- what does that mean.

You have described yourself as having a lot of liabilities, do you have any positive attributes?

It is hard to get any sort of understanding of what is going on with you, and why.

I am 22. I was being treated by a mental health professional, but after several different anti-depressants made me severely worse, zoloft made it so I would not get out of bed in the morning for anything. Counseling never really developed into anything meaningful it was always about what's the next new drug they could put me on. There are several different psychiatrists in my town. I have seen a few, and it is very hard for me to talk to develop meaningful communication with women so that rules out the others. I guess I am too afraid of receiving critical comments about myself from women to even bother talking to them. I am on the lines of I would rather stay alone than be rejected by a women, or worse be in some sort of relationship, personal or otherwise that would allow me to be vulnerable in some way to a woman. (I don't resent women, I just have never given it a shot, probably falls on the lines of I give up with I have to work at something, that and communication effectively in person has never really clicked with me, and my forgetful memory usually ends up pushing people away anyway.)

No major trauma in my life, I don't think I have any physical barriers except exercise always makes me feel worse not better so I usually stop. I am not weak or obese, but I am definitely not fit.

I think I have a few positive attributes yes, who doesn't, I am great at deductive reasoning and such. However, having a terrible memory, a mind that zones out at the first sign of mental work. I wouldn't say it's ADD or ADHD, because I don't cycle through different ideas randomly, but rather my mind goes blank. Like I used to work on an assembly line for a packaging plant, a worked next to a machine that jams quite often, easy to fix and all but annoying. I got to the point were I was just running on auto pilot, not even realizing what I was doing I started fixing the machine when it jammed without shutting anything down and quickly after that I was being taken to the hospital. Stuff like that happens all the time.

I must get at the very least 10 hours of sleep a day or I will not get out of bed and I cannot do anything. That and my current job which took me months to find takes about 10 to 12 hours a day.

Basically I don't learn, or rather I know what to do, I just don't think to do it. I can do something right several times then just randomly stop doing it, skipping steps in vital processes. I just don't know, no one knows. I know I am going to end up as one of those can men pushing a shopping cart on the street full of cans so I can recycle them or whatever it is they do with them.

Lastly, I know its hard to get an understanding of what is going on with me, everyone has that problem, so do I.

Please give us some backstory. What was your childhood like -- first child/only child? Which part of the U.S. Parents' occupations? When did you learn to read?

If you could do one thing right this minute that you really enjoy, what would it be?

I have lived several places, Georgia, Montana, Arizona, my dad is retired, did 26 years in the navy and was a contractor, mom is a teacher. I don't know when I learned to read, probably about 4 or 5 I think I could read a little.

If I could do one thing that I really enjoy, I would seriously and truthfully have no idea, I mean there are things I enjoy to do, but it doesn't take long for them to become just another menial task. I love a good video game, but that usually only lasts a few days, a good movie or TV show, but after a few episodes I lose interest. I like playing sports, but I am not that great at them and exerting myself physically is not pleasant for me, in high school I played a sport every season but I never really felt satisfied with it, but it was something to do, I liked it better than doing nothing. I liked gambling, but win or lose, I just get tired of it, it's not very exciting for me, overall I haven't lost money gambling, up a bit but I really don't care to do it. I think you might have seen my other post about me experimenting with alcohol, but I gave that up after I realized it wasn't really affecting me the way I thought it was, it just seems I convinced myself it was making me better because I felt different, so I gave that up.

I have had this new job for 5 months now and it too is starting to become quite annoying and it is starting to affect my performance. I know it will eventually get me fired because I have been in this position before and it's always the same. As soon as eventually lose interest in what I'm doing I do my best to stop doing it, I try and force myself to push through it, but I really don't seem to have any control over it. I mean I dropped out of college because I lost interest in the subject I was studying, and so on and so forth. Unless someone is there watching everything I do to make sure it gets done, let's just say I start with cutting corners and putting in the minimum effort, my mind shuts down, giving me only the most basic memories and information I need to get the job done and then either I skate by, get hurt and someone makes me stop, or I just stop myself. I have already walked off two jobs, just because I was tired of doing it, got kicked out of my apartment and stuff, but I didn't care too much, moved in with my parents so my mom would shut up about the position I was in. I mean if it came to it, I would let myself live in the street, I would probably let myself starve to death too because I know I would rather starve than beg or eat out of a garbage. I think I am addicted to feeling sorry for myself or something, it seems to be the only thing I don't get tired of doing. So yeah, I'm a real piece of work.

I'm getting the feeling that there must have either been some catastrophic event in your life, a major loss for instance, or, you have not been properly diagnosed and treated for mental illness.

To live your life with continued disappointment in yourself, with no personal satisfaction in any aspect of living, or enjoyment of the simplest of things is worthy of assessment.

Many of us can relate to some of what you say, like being in a dead end job, or not enjoying some sort of social life, or day to day activities. For some reason, every stab you take at living, you have little, or no enjoyment or personal gain; the result of all your efforts, puts you in a place where you isolate yourself from the world. Even down to not particularly caring whether you die in the streets. As life goes on, this place you are in, takes away more and more, instead of building independence, and living your life.

I cannot diagnose you with anything, but I can see that what may be happening to you. I urge you to seek help, at least an assessment. If you were to print your responses here, and hand them to a qualified therapist or Doctor, clearly you need more than a stab at an antidepressant.

Change takes time, and it takes effort. And it is very, very difficult to address and work through the reasons, things are as they are. You may not even realize why this is happening to you. The one thing that stood out for me, was that you aren't blaming anyone or anything for why you feel the way you do. That is significant because you see yourself, as the cause of all that is wrong. All of how you present yourself, flows from what is inside. There is, or has to be, some as yet unknown, reason as to why.

Whether that is organic in nature (which would not be at all unusual), or self-imposed for reasons that are unknown but habitual, or a combination of both- one being causal to the other, needs to be determined.

This isn't something, in my opinion, that you are just going to 'snap out of', nor is it a situation where, without some work, you can figure out why your life has flatlined.

You seem to set yourself up for failure. For instance, taking a sport on, or trying different things, ends up in disappointment, and as you move forward in life, that continues to jobs, social activities, etc. Any enjoyment is always undermined by knowing ahead that you will be disappointed. Eventually, you've just stopped trying. Why bother when you end up in the same place every time.

The main theme here in my opinion, is that you have come to adapt your thinking, to overshadow, efforts to find simple happiness and simple satisfaction in even the smallest of things. The time between trying, and expecting what you know to be the result, grows shorter, as you develop more ways (ie cutting corners in jobs)to end what you either thought you could do, or what others expect you to do.

I don't think anyone qualified to diagnose a possible mental illness, would simply observe your current circumstances as 'situational depression' for example. That would be perhaps an extended period recovering from a personal loss, such as the death of a child, or partner. Eventually, most of us would resume living again.

You seem to be, from what you have said, been in such a dark place, for a good chunk of your life. This goes beyond simply being unmotivated, or lazy, or having low self esteem. That your life has been so affected negatively for so long, really needs more investigation and treatment.

It is ironic that the people who need help the most, are treated superficially with a quick stab at a 'fix', and are sent on their way with a prescription, that is not enough. To feel the way you do, and put that all out there, as you have here, should result in further assessment and treatment, but, sadly often doesn't go that way. The ironic part is that because your circumstances are involved and obvious, should a Doctor take the time to determine, doesn't result in anything more than a script that the next person, who is depressed because of the end of a marriage, or is having difficulty recovering from a loss, gets.

You need more, and the hardest part for you, will be seeing the value in pushing the envelope a little bit. There are necessary things to do to get what you need. You have to request an evaluation for instance, by a teating physician- not an easy thing to do when you don't think it will do any good anyway. Follow-up, and regular therapy to determine whether any medications are working, or need adjusted or changed have to be along a continued course of treatment. Popping a pill, is not treatment.

Many people for instance, need to try three or four prescriptions for depression, before they feel any relief from the symptoms. It is much like starting with an aspirin, and moving up to Tylenol, to moving up to the next step, a prescription, to likely another prescription, or an entire change to a new one.

And that, as I said, requires work on your part. Working past the indifference of some doctors who prescribe the one size fits all mentality, even when you don't think any of it is worth the effort. But, it is.

It is the same with being comfortable being treated on the other end of the spectrum, with a therapist, who can actually work through the circumstances and find ways to address and help you change. And who among us, when feeling the way you do, would even want to muster up the energy, to even begin.

But, you have to. Think of this as having a broken leg, a concussion, and a kidney infection- all at the same time. The agony of having to deal with all these painful things, is the only way you will begin to heal. It is an investment in yourself, to learn through trying, how to overcome and live your life in a meaningful way, without continuously falling back to that position of safety.

Please, please seek help. You have lost so much of yourself in this vortex of unhappiness. Time to really push to get some answers. And that, can only be addressed with a therapist, and time, and effort on your part. Facing what you may find out, may not be as difficult as you think it might be, but, consider that it will take time, and that you are worth the time. And you are worth the investment.

I wish to point to an interesting graph that I noticed one day, that had a profound effect on the way I see my life. If you know what the valley of despair is then you don't need to go look it up but, a website I found on the subject brought forth this very specific explanation that sums up how I feel about life perfectly.

1. Uninformed Bliss- "Wow, this performance management and strategy stuff seems interesting. It would be great to get everyone on the same page...."

2. The Valley of Despair- "Geeze, I didn't know it would be so much work... Who is looking at this stuff anyway... How am I supposed to pick goals and targets... Am I going to get in trouble if my measure is red...?"

3. Continuous Improvement- "OK, now I see where the problems are. I know what to work on and manage to to get better results"

Now it is very easy for me to get to the valley of despair, I have a bunch of problems, I have all the tools, but I never learn how to climb the hill back to progress. I just sit there looking at what has happened and I cannot continue, whether it be mentally or physically or what have you. I never gain an understanding of what it is that is going on and how to proceeded, even when it is spelled out for me.

I promise you I have never had any catastrophic event happen in my life, ever, not one, except for the events I created for myself. The thing is I need a lot of work, I need a lot of time and effort put into me by someone that knows what to do. However, those people are beyond my means. The thing is everyone gives up on me, everyone has their own lives to deal with to fix mine. Realistically I am not worth the effort. Like the old wise man said, better to start over new, than fix something that is so broken. In this society where there are so many more qualified people to do the things that I want to do (or at least try to do), it is no wonder that no one is willing to waste their time working with me. I have never had one friend in my life, I have never been in one relationship, while I despise the social games people play with each other, that more or less steams from the fact that I just don't understand how to play these games. No one wants to be friends with me when there are so many other better candidates that won't waste their time. While I consider myself a kind and caring person, those things just aren't valued enough to be any good.

One of the main reasons I came to these forums is so that I do not have to waste any ones time with my problems. People can read what I have to say if they want to, they can reply if they want to and they can ignore it if they want to, and I do appreciate those of you who have taken your time to reply to me. However, this is the closest I will probably ever get to actual help.

When I tell people how I feel in real life, I am quickly ignored, I just have nothing of value to offer anyone. In this day and age where the earth is so over populated that the earth can barely sustain the people it currently has, and it won't be long before it can't, people like me are just a burden. I would not be so selfish as to impose myself on those people that are still within an arms reach of me.

Think of a person who goes to work everyday, and by the end of the day, all they can do, is have a bowl of soup, and go to sleep.

The fatigue wears down the most basic human functions over time, physically, and emotionally. Motivation, purpose, and a dull and listless life takes over. And not even the motivation exists to get out of bed any longer.

So, this person goes to a Doctor, and has a checkup. There, it is determined that he has a heart condition, congenital, and is prescribed treatment for that. He is told he has diabetes.

He also learns that he has infection in two molars, and has an alergy to perfume.

He is treated for all these physical problems, feels better than he ever has for years, and even that dull boring job isn't so bad anymore.

The point being, that if what is at the core of your disappointment and life problems, aren't also worthy of a diagnosis. What if, because none of the problems (like the example- were unknown) were to be diagnosed and treated.

Does it matter that it is physical or psychological? Isn't a problem a problem?

If you would get an assessment that could address physical problems, why wouldn't you get an assessment and treatment, to address psychological ones.

Not having the means, does not mean not getting the means. Would your parents help, other family members. Are there self-referal agencies that are not for profit, or substantially less expensive where you live.

The bottom line is, until you know what is wrong, all the reading in the world to identify with symptoms, won't change the symptoms. Even if you find some theory that helps explain how you feel, it does not change how you feel.

Simply deciding to change, is the very beginning of the process, to find answers, and to get the help you need.

You could consider staying where you are, feeling the way you do, robbing yourself of a potentially happy, productive life, or, tackle this one step at a time.

I do know it isn't easy, and my words here are very limited- I could go on and on- but, I'm sure you get the point.

What do you think of even making a few enquiries, and taking that chance/risk.

Thoughts on that?

Well, while I do agree with most if not all of what you said. I just don't know who is going to help me, or even who can help me. Secondly, anti-depressants, one of which could help me, have a bad reputation, they are often seen as a pseudo drug, and they would also close a lot of doors to me. I just don't want to lose the chance of being able to do something that I might love one day because I took anti-depressants, but I guess I already ruined that, so that might be a non-issue.

I feel like I am waste deep in failure and laziness that the only way to get out is if someone has the inclination to come over and pull me out.

Well Kroker, that isn't going to happen.

And I disagree with your assessment of antidepressants.

They do work, and they work well, and millions upon millions have lives saved because of them, not the other way around as you may think.

But the key is first getting a diagnosis, and if clinical depression, do your research on them. Any prescription will not being at the maximum dose, and will require regular monitoring, and regular use, and take time, several weeks, to know whether it is working. It is not uncommon to try more than one type, with adjustments along the way.

It takes effort. And so does therapy. And the further you go to unravel this dark place you are in, the more likely you are to get yourself out of it. To choose otherwise, is to choose to remain as you are.

You may not be entirely at fault here, or be entirely to blame for how you feel. There are very real and organic causes to drastic and prolonged depression that are highly treatable. Presuming you are again prescribed for depression.

I would copy off your posts, and hand them to the Doctor to read. There are a lot of clues you can provide this way, and it might be easier and more immediate and effective, than just giving him things in a nutshell, and walking out without any sort of plan.

If you think that advice just might help you (certainly can't hurt), maybe think about running it by your parents as well. You will need support.

You have to do something right?

Thanks for the replies, they will hold great weight with me. However, I just don't know, I would like to find something that I feel is worth doing first. You know it's near impossible, to change your ways, even when you know you that you need to change, because deep down I just don't care too much about what happens in the future; almost as if I already know what's going to happen. Alas, I will try, I am going to have to get a new job first so I can have time to change, but eventually I should be able to do something.

Well, Krocker, WE care about what happens in your future. So snap to and give us something to hang our hat on! We want to see a glimmer of light at the end of this tunnel.