Okay- so let me start by saying that I love my boyfriend more than anything and I know he loves me just the same. For the most part our relationship is solid. We hiccup every once in awhile but that's normal in any relationship. Our sex life is VERY active. We have sex at least once a day, and I know I satisfy him. We've been together a little over a year and after the first week or so he talked me about this "problem he has". Sometimes it just doesn't work on it's own. We've tried a lot and ended up seeing his doctor for it and got prescribed something to help and it totally does. He just really beats himself up about it and thus far, nothing I can do or say reassures him. I've always been very honest with him and in the beginning it was hard sometimes to deal with and I would tell him and we would talk about it. It made me feel like I was doing something wrong. But we're way past that now and I totally realized its not me. He's obsessed with my body and the way I do the things I do to him so I'm not worried about that either. Yesterday I found out he watched porn. We just found out that I'm pregnant- a little over a month along. The porn thing goes back awhile and I found out he did it before and I told him how much I hated it and how it makes me feel bad about myself to know he's watching other girls besides me. I don't do that and I don't want him fantacising about someone else while he's inside of me- sorry. But really it's a mixture of all that and the fact that I've been cheated on so many times when I was younger and it scares the **** out of me. Anyway- yesterday When I found out at first he told me he didn't know what I was talking about. Then after much silence and me losing my mind because to me nothing is worse than a liar - he came clean and told me that a couple months ago he saw on some sex therapy article or the like that sometimes people watch porn while in the act to amp blood flow down there so it works better. He said he tried it once a few months ago and said it didn't do anything. Well we ran out of pills last week and he can't get a refill until the end of dec. usually he would just get some from a liquor store by us, and he wanted to go this weekend but I've been feeling sick because of the pregnancy and I didn't want him to go alone because I wanted to be with him and it's kind of a long way, to walk at least. So being the sweet man he is, he didn't go. But then on Monday and Tuesday he watched porn at work on his phone. At this point it's past the fact that I don't like porn, but that I feel my trust was betrayed. Yesterday once I finally got him talking, I told him its either me or the porn and that I thought he should choose me. He laughed because I was trying to lighten things up after us both getting emotional about it and he said "Of course I choose you". Well now it's been screwing with my head and I'm scared he'll end up doing it again and we'll go back to where we were and it'll jut keep hurting me more and more every time. I feel like maybe I should tell him I want to be okay with it. I want him to be open and honest but I know he won't tell me because he knows it'l hurt me. What do I do?

I had the same issue with my boyfriend and I. I HATE porn, it makes me sick even when we are watching a movie and some girls boobs show up for a while. But here is what I did, it embrassed me at first, but it worked. I took pictures of myself for him to have. Did little poses etc. At first I felt stupid doing it, but it turned out to help a lot. Instead of him going to porn when I don't feel like having sex and he does, he just pulls out his phone and uses the pictures of me. I have even seen people take pics of themselves and make a little book of it. -maybe thatll help, I don't know?

The porn has NOTHING to do with you and good sex, and pushing him into a corner about it is only going to force him to lie to you and become sneaky. I'm betting a dozen doughnuts that he isn't thinking about the porn or porn stars when he's with you. Porn is just a greased wheel to get to where he's going by himself. Having sex -- really good sex -- with a partner takes work and planning, sort of like making a satisfying Christmas dinner with all the trimmings. Looking at porn and having solitary sex is like slapping together a bologna sandwich on cheap white bread with no mustard.

He might eat that bologna sandwich once in a while, but his cravings will be for the Christmas dinner.
I know your emotions are running high now that you're pregnant, and you are doing your best to make a safe and secure nest for yourself and the coming baby.

@Sghandwdrc that's a good idea thank you :) I feel the same way about movies too. I've taken pictures already and we've taken pictures together but maybe I'll make him a book for Christmas. Terrific idea. After I posted my question yesterday I decided to talk to him about it and basically I told him I'm not okay with being not
Okay with it and that I want to be open and honest with each other and that if he wants to then he can. I even said I'd watch it with him. I told him my insecurities are exactly that, mine. He then replies with that they're his too because he wants me to be happy and not feel the way it makes me feel. Then he still said he won't do it. I asked him if he was sure and he said yes and thanked me for "trying so hard for him and us and being so great". Then I just asked him to promise to tell me if anything changes and he changes his mind about it or wants to again and he promised.

Wondergirl, I am sorry. But you are wrong. You can never have good sex when your man is watching something dirty. It will not be the best sex the way God intended it to be no matter how hard you try. You need to stop lying to yourself. Bebeebe3 agreed to watch it with him but you can still hear in what she s saying that's she s still so uncomfortable with this and feels betrayed! Right on, you should be betrayed. Your man should not be fantasizing of another woman's body, while with you. That's not unity. I encourage you to YouTube mark gungor. He explains how to have great sex and talks about men wanting to watch porn. It will answer all your questions. I promise.
Truly my best regards to you.

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Originally Posted by Here2help

Wondergirl, I am sorry. But you are wrong. You can never have good sex when your man is watching something dirty. It will not be the best sex the way God intended it to be no matter how hard you try. You need to stop lying to yourself. Bebeebe3 agreed to watch it with him but you can still hear in what she s saying that's she s still so uncomfortable with this and feels betrayed!! Right on, you should be betrayed. Your man should not be fantasizing of another woman's body, while with you. That's not unity. I encourage you to YouTube mark gungor. He explains how to have great sex and talks about men wanting to watch porn. It will answer all your questions. I promise.
Truly my best regards to you.

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Please - your God may very well not be my God. It's good you know what God intended. I don't happen to have your beliefs.

Please be respectful of other people's opinions. People who don't agree with you aren't lying to themselves or wrong.

"Your man"? Do you own him? I refer to "My dog." I don't refer to "My man."

Mark Gungor? A media darling at the moment. That's like getting legal advice from Judge Judy's TV show.

OP shouldn't do anything that makes her uncomfortable - I agree with that.

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Originally Posted by Here2help

Wondergirl, I am sorry. But you are wrong. You can never have good sex when your man is watching something dirty. It will not be the best sex the way God intended it to be no matter how hard you try. You need to stop lying to yourself. Bebeebe3 agreed to watch it with him but you can still hear in what she s saying that's she s still so uncomfortable with this and feels betrayed!! Right on, you should be betrayed. Your man should not be fantasizing of another woman's body, while with you. That's not unity. I encourage you to YouTube mark gungor. He explains how to have great sex and talks about men wanting to watch porn. It will answer all your questions. I promise.
Truly my best regards to you.

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Good thing I don't believe in your god, then. My husband watches porn occasionally, and I don't have a problem with it at ALL--mostly because I'm confident enough in myself and don't have insecurities about our sex life and his feelings for me. Hate to say it, sweetheart--but if you think porn is dirty, then any sex outside of a marital bed had better feel dirty to you as well, because it's not what your god intended, either. And you'd better not be using birth control, either--because THAT is not what God intended either.

Please--don't be a hypocrite.

Porn has NOTHING to do with how a man feels about you. Are you thinking about a romance novel and the hero in it when your man is in you? Then why in the world would he be thinking about some chick on a porn video?

Forcing a man who watches porn to choose between you and the porn is just going to result in a man who lies to you about watching porn.

The FIRST step to getting past this is to address your own insecurities about sex, your relationship, and your ability to see the difference between looking and fantasizing. I know that with being pregnant, emotions are high and you're going to have a harder time with it. Wondergirl is right on with her assessment of how men view porn, and if more women understood that there wouldn't be as many issues with it in relationships.

I am very surprised of how we let it get to us that porn is OK. If you can just be honest with yourself, I know that you will realize that this is not right. What feelings do you have after watching porn? Do you have feelings of real, caring, unconditional, forgiving love? I am not saying all this stuff because in trying to be mean. My heart hurts for you, because I want you to have the best possible pure marriage and sex. Synen, you're absolutely right. The only sex you should be having is with your husband, and not because our God is mean like that making up all these rules. But because HE knows what is good for us and I can see the evidence of this in my own life.
Ladies, religion aside, if deep down we are uncomfortable with men watching porn, we get hurt, betrayed, we lose trust... And then someone keeps repeating to us " don't worry it has nothin to do its normal " that doesn't make it right. Is it going to be a year from now that if our husband goes and cheats on us that we are going to hear the same things" don't worry, it's normal. It has NOThing to do with you "
... I'm really sorry if some of this is going to hurt you or offend any of you, I say this because it's the truth.
... For those that are confused, but don't want to feel the way they do and want to have real peace in their lives, seek God. He is the only answer to any of your problems.

Here2help - likewise, I'm truly sorry if some of what I have to say is going to hurt or offend you.

This is not a religious forum. If you want to preach, why don't you post on AMHD's various religious boards? You will be welcome there.

I'd be interested in where you get your "fact" that a man who watches porn (or, I suppose, a woman) will eventually cheat on a partner? I'd like to see the information in print.

I am being honest - I have no problem with porn. How I feel or don't feel after watching porn is, quite truthfully, absolutely none of your business.

This is not a chat board.

It has nothing to do or not do with your God.

Stop posting religion on other than religious boards. You not only aren't convincing or converting anyone, you are making a very poor, judgmental impression on people - in the name of religion.

Porn is a shortcut, an express flight. While "traveling," you don't have any opportunity to meet or get to know any of the other passengers; you're on your own. Later, once you've reached your "destination," you don't even remember what they looked like.

Judykaytee- thank you for being respectful. I Did not say that if you watch porn you will cheat. My point was different. I said:
If husbands are watching porn now and wives hate it, there's people calming her down and say" don't worry. It has nothing to do with you. It's normal. "
I know that when that husband starts cheating on The wife there will be those people again that say" don't worry. It's not about you. It's normal. They need to do this stuff" or whatever other things they like to say to make the person feel better about something that is wrong.
And how do I know it's wrong?
Men hide it. They are ashamed to do such a thing. Women hate it when they find out about it. They feel cheated. Betraid.
Look at all this negative stuff.
Have you ever heard a mother say" I want my daughter to grow up and be a porn star posing naked for other men to masturbate to or have sex to. Yea, she ll be a real hero and help those men out. "
Have you? Why not? Because its not right.
I have not said anything about religion in this comment. Allow me to post.

I am sorry, but all of these self rightous people who think that men do not watch or look at porn have just not caught their men. And others will turn their head and look at the cheer leaders, or the sites with girls with a big something. They may be dressed but they let their minds wonder.

All women do who demand their boyfriends or husband don't look at it, is either cause very hard feelings that are buried, or they make their partner lie and sneak around at it.

To the OP, by making such a issue about this, you gave him no choice, he did not have any chance to try to make a deal with you to do it certain ways, perhaps watch it together, often in foreplay I have couple watch some porn together to help them in their sex life in counseling.

But it has nothing to do with you, or the way he feels about sex. I do love the counseling story, not sure if he made it up to try to give an excuse to you.

But what he should have said is "shut up, i want to watch it, and I will watch it, so get over it." sorry but he should have been a man and stood up for his rights. You have no right what so ever to tell him what he can and can't do, when it does not effect you. He is not cheating, he is still true to you and treating you fine.

So my advice, get off any soap box against porn, you go to him and tell him YOU are sorry and that you love him and he can watch porn if he wants to. Since he will anyway.

To the other poster, no many women don't hate it, in fact many ( I may not say most) watch it with their spouse, they go and help pick it out. What you have is too many are expected to say they don't like it, because of religion or society values.

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Originally Posted by Here2help

Judykaytee- thank you for being respectful. I Did not say that if you watch porn you will cheat. My point was different. I said:
If husbands are watching porn now and wives hate it, theres people calming her down and say" don't worry. It has nothing to do with you. It's normal. "
I know that when that husband starts cheating on The wife there will be those people again that say" don't worry. It's not about you. It's normal. They need to do this stuff" or whatever other things they like to say to make the person feel better about something that is wrong.
And how do I know it's wrong?
Men hide it. They are ashamed to do such a thing. Women hate it when they find out about it. They feel cheated. Betraid.
Look at all this negative stuff.
Have you ever heard a mother say" I want my daughter to grow up and be a porn star posing naked for other men to masturbate to or have sex to. Yea, she ll be a real hero and help those men out. "
Have you? Why not? Because its not right.
I have not said anything about religion in this comment. Allow me to post.

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And I say AGAIN what is the link between porn and husband cheating? You combine them in the same run on sentence as if one routinely follows the other. They don't.

I would feel betrayed if my husband cheated. He also wouldn't be living "here" any longer. Porn? No. I find it impossible to accept your belief that people who find porn to be "normal" (whatever that word means to you) also find "cheating" (I assume you mean adultery) to be "normal." That's a stretch, a big stretch.

Stop telling me what's right and what's not right. You are mostly definitely not the moral majority nor does what you think impact my life. The person who asked has enough problems without you dragging your particular beliefs into the situation as if you're an authority on the subject AND judging her, me or anyone else who responds.

You continue to make the same generalizations - "women" think this; "men" think that; "women" do this. "Men" do that. That's all they are - your opinions, your generalizations.

I wasn't aware that men as a whole masturbate to porn OR have sex to porn. I'm aware they watch it. That's all I know. Apparently you believe you know more than I do - and maybe you do.

I don't make up the rules here. Keep posting about religion in non-religious threads and you can and probably will have your posts pulled.

If you want to convert people, that's fine. Just don't do it here.

And I have no problems with organized religion. FrChuck is a great example - he may not agree but I have NEVER seen him force a view down anyone's throat, been judgmental or been rude. You - not so much.

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Originally Posted by Here2help

Wondergirl, I am sorry. But you are wrong. You can never have good sex when your man is watching something dirty..

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And all this time WG thought the sex was great!

Some of you are just beig rude. I already addressed the issue and said so on here the next day which was 12/01. So thanks but no thanks for any of your condesending advice. I am not religious so please do not try to shove your religion down my throat. A few of you have been respectful and offered some genuine insight to the matter and I just wanted to say thank you to those of you who aren't being *******s and who actually care. Like I said on the 1st, I did go the next day after having some time to think and calm down and apologize for freaking out. If you'd like to go back to that post for more detail onto what happened, please do so. I do agree with whoever said it was wrong to immediately say no you can't do that. In the moment I was so hurt and couldn't hold back but Like I said I went back and corrected myself, genuinely. We are still having just as much intercourse, if not more and I've already made him a few "resources". Whoever said he should have told me to shut up and that he was going to watch it regardless- excuse me but go **** yourself. Do you know what being in a loving, respectful relationship means? If he would've said that to me I would have said to him the same thing I just said to you followed by a goodbye. He does not talk to me like that because HE IS A REAL MAN. All your 'he should've manned up" crap is exactly that- crap. A real man is not what you described. A real man is hard to come by. What you describe as a real man is a child. We respect each other and love each other. We are partners. We are real ****in partners, and if more men were like him, there would be a whole lot more of REAL men that this world needs.

Again, thank you for everyone who respectfully responded. I appreciate your genuine concern and advice and from the bottom of my heart, thank you.

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Originally Posted by Bebebee3

Whoever said he should have told me to shut up and that he was going to watch it regardless- excuse me but go **** yourself. Do you know what being in a loving, respectful relationship means? If he would've said that to me I would have said to him the same thing I just said to you followed by a goodbye. He does not talk to me like that because HE IS A REAL MAN. All your 'he should've manned up" crap is exactly that- crap. A real man is not what you described. A real man is hard to come by. What you describe as a real man is a child. We respect each other and love each other. We are partners. We are real ****in partners, and if more men were like him, there would be a whole lot more of REAL men that this world needs.

Again, thank you for everyone who respectfully responded. I appreciate your genuine concern and advice and from the bottom of my heart, thank you.

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I understand your frustration and upset about the way this thread has gone. I truly do.

However, a REAL MAN in a loving, respectful relationship (your use of caps and words) doesn't put his girlfriend/wife in a position where she feels betrayed and a REAL MAN, etc. doesn't lie to her and upset his partner to the extent where she has to post on a public Internet board, seeking advice.

I find your language coarse and unnecessary and, quite frankly, it cancelled out anything of value which you just posted. You have insulted some of the very people who were on your side, just coming from another direction.

I understand that you are upset - but I question your anger the people who have volunteered their time in an attempt to answer you truthfully, from their perspective.

If you only want people who agree with you to give you advice you really have to stick with friends. They (hopefully) don't say anything that upsets you, whether they are speaking the truth... or not. Strangers? Not so much.

I will agree you open yourself up for any advice, good and bad when you post on a public board. And often you will get the advice you need and should hear but will not because you want people to agree with you, about how bad it was for your boyfriend to do that. Of course this does not answer the question are you going to "allow" and a good girlfriend does not make demands on her partner like that either. And of course he needs to stand up for his self, and he would or should have told you where the door was if you spoke to him demanding he stop something also.
Esp when that something is a normal part of male behavior.

Often hearing the truth is not easy, but perhaps it will sink in after you find him doing porn the next time.

Because he will want to do porn again maybe next time does not prove that it makes it right or OK. People that quit smoking, have thoughts about wanting to smoke. People that quit drugs are tempted to do it again. But can we say that it's OK because they want to Do it? We can help men struggle with this by being open and honest about it. . Willing to help in anyway we can. But getting involved in it with him, is not helping. That's my opinion. You say your opinions, can I please say mine.

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Originally Posted by Here2help

Because he will want to do porn again maybe next time does not prove that it makes it right or ok. People that quit smoking, have thoughts about wanting to smoke. People that quit drugs are tempted to do it again. But can we say that it's ok because they want to Do it? We can help men struggle with this by being open and honest about it. . Willing to help in anyway we can. But getting involved in it with him, is not helping. That's my personal opinion. You say your opinions, can I please say mine.

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How about prefacing your comments with "I think" or "My opinion is" instead of assuming the position of teacher of the class? That would go a LONG way.

Please stop using "we" when you refer to people. Use "I". That makes more sense and is undoubtedly more correct.