I have been married to a military man for four years and recently reconnected with the man who I always thought I'd end up with. We were high school sweethearts but college and life and timing ended up getting in our way of staying together. We lost touch but I never stopped thinking about him, even after I got married. I have always had dreams where I have to choose between the two men, or dreams where he proposes to me, even after I married and moved away. My marriage is OK - my husband is a great person who loves me very much. I don't love military life and I don't connect with his family at all. We've drifted apart over the years, as he dove into his work and my former life converted into life as a mom. Conversation is lacking, and even when we try to connect I don't feel a spark. We are very different in most ways: fundamentally, religiously, behaviorly, communicatively etc etc. When we married I was hopeful that he would be the yin to my yang but as time has marched on those differences are becoming more central to our bond (or lack thereof).

The man who brings me to life, who inspires me go back to work, who provokes me to think in different ways, and makes me laugh is not my husband. I know everything about this other man, know his family and his moods and his financial situation (which isn't as stable as my husband's). I know I would be a happier person in a relationship with him. I've known him since I was a child and he has been my best friend for most of those years. And he is now sitting back, patiently waiting for the chance to be with me.

My question is: am I absolutely crazy/selfish/unrealistic/idealistic for leaving my plain-but-solid husband and taking our child and changing my life for the opportunity to be with the person I know is a better match for me?

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by dreamer07

My question is: am I absolutely crazy/selfish/unrealistic/idealistic for leaving my plain-but-solid husband and taking our child and changing my life for the opportunity to be with the person I know is a better match for me?

---

No, you're crazy to leave one relationship and immediately jump into another.

I also wouldn't assume you are taking the child with you.

If you are unhappy in your marriage do everyone a favor and get out of it. You need to sort out your unhappiness and your feeling of excitement over the new relationship.

I have never found that a relationship that started with cheating in another relationship worked out - but I suppose it does/can happen.

Thank you for your reply. There are of course details I left out of my question... While I did 'reconnect' with my old love, it was not in a physical way. Not to say that my emotions aren't involved, but physical cheating is not an issue. Also, given my husbands career choice, it would be impossible for him to have any physical custody of our child. That said, I would never keep him from seeing her. I have no animosity towards my husband and would want to co-parent as much as is possible within tbe confines of his schedule.

You are right about jumping from one relationship to the next. One added note is that due to my husbands job I have spent 6 months alone and it felt really good - I didn't miss him like a wife should miss her husband. If anything I took the time to focus on myself and I felt like I really tuned into my needs and goals and loved who I was during that time alone.

Thanks again for your input.

Before you leave your husband make sure you are absolutely positive that you will be happy. There is always the chance of guilt getting to you and then making your new relationship grow stagnant. Before you choose anything spend plenty of time thinking about it to make sure you choose the right thing.

I was in the marines for 8 years and my wife and I have been through our fair share. The thing that has kept us going strong is that we are a great team. In the end when the new wears off and the routine sets in, that is what you need to be. I love my wife and yes I still think of past loves and so does she. The one difference is that most of those relationships stayed new and never hit the "routine" while I said I love my wife and I do, I don't always like her, I'm not always attracted to her, but we work together and at the end of the day we make a great team. This is one of the reasons, in my opinion, that arranged marriages have a higher success rate then "love" marriages. I'm not saying don't run away with this guy. All I am saying is think about it long and hard and imagine how the everyday routine will be with him before you leave and split your family apart. People are too quick to get married and too quick to get divorced these days. Maybe its just me, but before you do anything you need to consider what could go wrong in addition to what can go right.

As long as you are a married woman, with a family, having another man 'patiently sitting back waiting for a chance with you' is, cheating.

It is an affair, whether or not you are active sexually with him. Clearly he is not just a casual friend you yuk it up with on Facebook once in a while.

Is this other man married? Does he have children?

One of the biggest problems in actively engaging in a relationship outside of your marriage, is that the one you are married to, is used as the excuse. Whether it be he's gone too much, or when you are together things aren't the same, etc. The changes in your marriage are happening, because you have a man on the side- at least to some degree. And your husband has no idea he has 'competition' for not only you, but for his child as well, should you leave to be with this high school sweetheart.

From what you have said so far, I can see no solid reason why, after only 4 years of marriage, you cannot focus on your husband, and your marriage.

There are many successful marriages where one party or the other travels extensively. Being apart IS part of the marriage, not a reason to end the marriage because you now find fault with it.

All too easy to look for others to fill those gaps, needs, and wants. Much more difficult to figure out how to improve what you have.

The man on the side, isn't much work- now. But, I guarantee you, at some point you'll be picking up his socks off the floor too. In other words, realizing after the fact that what you had, had much more substance, than what you ended up with.

If your marriage hits a rough spot, or feels stale, or you begin to feel resentful, ignored, or lonely, the last resort is another man to meet those unfulfilled needs.

Try. Try to let this other man go. Take him out of your marriage, and don't allow yourself to use him as a wedge to justify faults with your husband that could otherwise be worked out.

As long as you have a romantic interest in a man who is a 'silent' partner in your marriage, you are setting yourself up to not only lose your husband, but possibly make the biggest mistake of your life.

My advice to you, as someone who has been married for 35 years, is to learn how to weather storms, learn how to communicate with your husband, and learn how to rely on yourself.

You have so much to lose on gambling with another man in the picture. Including the chance that your husband will find out about him.

Then, it may not even be a choice for you, he may make it for you.