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-   -   Complicated... & long (https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/showthread.php?t=615873)

  • Nov 30, 2011, 09:56 AM
    lovebiologist
    Complicated... & long
    My best friend of 5 years (we are both women) got drunk one night and came onto me while we were lying in my bed watching a movie. I was uncomfortable with it and asked her to stop. I told her she would regret it in the morning. She explained that she was curious and was hurt that I was rejecting her. She took her clothes off... while all this was happening, our husbands came in to find us like this.

    My husband was overjoyed! Took his clothes off and jumped right into bed, assuming it was play time I guess. Her husband seemed more hurt and reluctant... as was I. It all happened so fast there was no time to process any of it, and I was so shocked, I did nothing. She got on my husband and her husband and I just sat there, in shock. She told me to kiss her husband. We were both uncomfortable but obviously attracted to each other so we kissed... we too began to make out but before anything happened she got jealous and kicked him in bed. She and my husband kept doing what they were doing though and never once asked if we were okay with it! Finally she got dressed and ran out.

    The next day we all laughed it off. I made it very clear that I do not have sex without emotion and I didn't want it to ever happen again. I told my husband that, I told my friend that, and I told her husband that. And even so, it seemed like it was the goal of all of us.. as if some force stronger than us drove us? It happened again, and again. Although each time he and I never had a chance to be together because she would become jealous.

    One night, my husband was drunk... he doesn't remember... but he hit me across the face and told me to leave him alone you f-ing ****! Our friends were here at the time. I dialed the police but didn't hit send. I didn't want the police involved... he has never hit me since or before. But that night, emotionally, I felt done. He has lied to me, slept with my friend in front of me without even so much a glance my direction for approval and now he had hit me. My friends husband stayed with me to insure my safety. She went home. We ended up making love that night for the first time. In my mind, it felt justified. I felt 'done' with my husband.

    But the next day the guilt set in. I told my husband what we had done. He said "well good for you two, you finally did it!" It hurt that he wasn't hurt, but I did feel less guilty. The swinging progressed... and so did my feelings for her husband and his feelings for me. They began to notice our connection and became increasingly jealous and territorial. We all stopped swinging and it seemed like the obvious solution. But it was too late. We had already fallen in love with each other. We felt the physical pull too strongly and we were neighbors, so we felt the best solution would be space.

    They moved out of state... but we continued to keep in touch via email. Six months passed and they decided to divorce. The absence only made our hearts grow fonder and the pull was just as strong 1000 miles apart. She is now living with her parents and he his father, back in state... he is hoping that I will divorce my husband and be with him.

    But I am torn. He has 3 kids with his ex wife. I have 3 kids with my husband. I worry most of all for them. I don't want to mess them up. But their own father spends very little time love or attention with them and I feel he would be a better Dad even though he's not biologically theirs. My other hangup is that he is in a world of financial trouble. Although he has a good paying job now, security. He has lost his house, their cars and owes his family money, a lot of money. And he's in a messy divorce. I hate to make finances an issue, but it's a big deal when you share them.

    Any perspective or advice is appreciated. If you wish to tell me what a horrible person or mother I am, save it the judgement and let me work that out with God. I'm only looking for people who might have insight or experience who might have advice. Thank you in advance.
  • Nov 30, 2011, 10:16 AM
    JudyKayTee
    Please don't attempt to dictate who will answer and in what manner. If you don't want various opinions don't post questions on an open board.

    That having been said - I see a lot of excuses for your past behavior and very little responsibility for your own actions. You dabbled in sex (lesbian, straight, swapping/swinging) and it backfired. You don't have sex without emotion... and so you fell in love with your friend's husband and continued to have sex with him? You were helpless when the other woman was in bed with you, stripping off her clothes? You are angry because your husband had sex with her without looking at you/asking for your permission? Sorry, not buying it.

    The kids are probably already "messed up" to some extent by the divorce. The first time your husband hit you you should have called the Police - but that appears to be a separate issue.

    If you don't want to be married to your husband divorce him. I wouldn't divorce anyone and jump into another relationship immediately. I don't get any feeling that you know who you are or what you want. You should make that decision before you decide how/what/where to proceed.

    If the financial situation will be a problem for you face that fact now and then decide what you can and cannot live with.

    I see some really bad decisions here - not bad for everyone but bad for you.

    You need to think about this hard and fast and perhaps get some counselling before you make any type of move.
  • Nov 30, 2011, 11:04 AM
    lovebiologist
    You're absolutely right. About all of it.

    Accept I didn't take her clothes off, she took her own off.. and I was resisting her not participating in lesbian activity.
    I don't have anything against it, it's just not for me. I experimented in college and am no longer 'curious' I guess...

    I don't mean to make excuses. And I don't mean to be selective with people who want to answer. It's just that I am typically a person with high morals and values and would have never done anything like this in any other situation. If I state it simply, it doesn't feel like it's me or my life. It's very out of character for me. I know what the response would be, and so I suppose I'm defensive of my actions before I even receive a response. I suppose I feel like I am some sort of exception to the rule. But I know I am not. I know I am wrong on many levels, and justifying it to myself or others is how I am coping. I know it's not right but I guess I feel ill equipped to handle it otherwise. I asked not to be judged because I'm not sure I could take the harsh words I've read in other similar responses. I am harder on myself internally then anyone else could be on me anyhow. Especially as it pertains to my children. Ultimately, they are all that matter... and some how I have to get them through this with as little damage as possible.

    The truth is I regret a lot.

    I regret not being stronger and firmer and putting my foot down sooner. I regret not storming out earlier. I regret my choices to continue a relationship with him behind her back. I've been 100% honest with my husband, not that it makes it better... but he is aware. But I also know that all of this happened, because deep down, no one was happy in their marriage. Not I, or my husband, or she or her husband. And we all handled it poorly, to say the least. I guess I just don't know where to go from here and was curious if anyone has been there, done that and could offer some advice. Counseling would be great but I have no insurance and can't afford it. My husband is insured and sees a counselor. I get feed back on us through him. We are trying to work through our marriage but we both have a lot of hurts that we're not sure we can move past. Nor do we have a romantic connection, chemistry or passion for over 8 years now.

    I'm rambling. Sorry. Just wanted to say thank you Judy for your insight, honesty and humbling response.
  • Nov 30, 2011, 11:48 AM
    JudyKayTee
    Quote:

    Originally Posted by lovebiologist View Post
    Accept I didn't take her clothes off, she took her own off.. and I was resisting her not participating in lesbian activity.


    Read again what I posted - I never said you took her clothes off.

    I think counselling is a good idea - a very good idea. Find out where you and your husband "are" and then decide where you want to be.

    I also wanted to make sure you know I am not judging whatever you participated in - it's just that without a very clear understanding swinging/swapping can become one big nightmare and can destroy a relationship.

    Please keep "us" informed as counselling progresses.
  • Nov 30, 2011, 12:31 PM
    lovebiologist
    I read that wrong... I apologize!

    Thanks again Judy!
  • Nov 30, 2011, 02:56 PM
    JudyKayTee
    No problem - and thanks. No apology was necessary, but that was very nice of you.

    Do you think that perhaps a better understanding among all the parties would have avoided the problem you are experiencing? There are questions about swapping and threesomes now and then and I'm never quite sure what to say.

    Any thoughts for the next person who comes along?
  • Nov 30, 2011, 05:01 PM
    talaniman
    Do nothing now, but get some help, support, and guidance, and above all, end communications with this other fellow. That will at least stop confusion, temptation, and distraction from making any more emotional decisions, and put your focus on getting your own thinking straight, healing those hurtful wounds, and put a stop to those impulsive destructive thoughts and actions.

    But you do need guidance through this with an impartial, non judgmental party, professional would be best. Call your husbands insurance after telling him of your need and see if something can be worked out. TRY IT, because none of us can heal on our own, especially after the emotional trauma you have been through. Healing is how you get a positive self image back, and the strength to make better decisions for yourself.

    Most pastors do counseling for free. Or your physician can refer someone to you. Get someone to listen, face to face. I know its not easy when you are suffering, but you must forgive yourself, and love yourself, to move beyond this.

    For now, make no more rash decisions.
  • Dec 1, 2011, 07:59 AM
    Jake2008
    Why is your husband in counselling. When he talks to you about his sessions, do you gain any insight into what he talks about. For example, is he trying to understand what's going on, in order to save his marriage, and address the aftermath of the cheating (and continued cheating). How does he deal with knowing you are still contemplating a relationship with this other man.

    Has he defined his goals- for example, is he wanting to work through the problems in the marriage, and make things work. How does he feel about your continued involvement with this other man. Have the two of you talked about ending the marriage. What are your thoughts on this.

    If your marriage is over, as I suspect it is, otherwise you wouldn't be in a second relationship with another man, then it is time to deal with that. If your marriage is not over, then it is time to give up the other man, and focus on doing what you have to do, to face the difficult road ahead of dealing with the problems.

    I cannot see anything getting better until you deal with your marriage, and only your marriage first. Seek out assistance for counselling together, through whatever social services are available in your area- maybe a referral from your family Doctor. Maybe a pastor, or minister, or a women's organization can help.

    We all make mistakes. BIG mistakes. But, to square your life away, and get on a path that is healthy and productive (for you and your children), it all has to be addressed. I'm not sure I buy that you weren't aware that your neighbours weren't swingers. Do you have any insight as to why you didn't make the choice to just get up, get in your car, and go for a drive while all of that was going on? I am also not so sure that feelings for the male neighbour weren't already present. It seems to me that this other couple had an agenda that night, and in the end, all four of you were participants to some degree.

    What I am getting at, is that maybe that experience was the straw that broke the collective marriages' back.

    At the very least, I would advise you to not even consider taking on another man right now, who has tons of baggage, which will only add baggage on top of baggage, and leave a lot of people- 10 of you including the children, in an uncertain, unstable situation. Let him go. Tell him you are not in a position to decide anything about your life right now. Take that step of dealing only with your marriage, and the security of your children. Anything less, does put your children at a distinct disadvantage.

    Sitting around and seeing how things will play out after all that has happened, and is happening, will not solve anything. Please find a way to talk to and with your husband first, through some sort of counselling to help open up the lines of communication. If you do end up divorcing, at least you will have done what you could, to save the marriage, and will leave on better terms for the future.

    You can contribute much to the direction of your own life, by taking control, and facing the problems. To keep living in this state of flux, won't solve anything.

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