Hi,

Bit of a back story, I'm 28, been married for just over 2 years and have a 2yr old daughter and a 7yr old stepson. I met my wife whilst I was still in the army, we hit it off really fast, about 9 months later she found out she was pregnant with our daughter, we got married in August that year (about 1 year after we met) and after going to afghanistan for 3 months I came back for the birth and then left the army.

Fast forward 2 years and I am in a well enough paid job, my daughter is growing into a gorgeous little girl and things, on the outside at least, look awesome.

My wife though says that I am an emotional drain on her, I'm very negative, quite stressed and easily agitated, she says I don't do a lot around the house (though I believe I do) and is generally unhappy with me and my attitude towards family life.

I seem to be unable to get over the changes that have happened in my life and how different my life was 2 years ago, I had loads of disposable income when I was in the army, now we're skint by the 10th of the month, I had plenty of time to play poker/xbox/play football/socialise, now all I seem to do is work, as my wife works most evenings I'm left housebound during the week and then we don't have any money to go out at the weekends, I used to be in the regimental snowboarding team when I was in the army, and went snowboarding for about 1 month per year, now I haven't used my snowboarding kit for 3 years, with the lack of disposable income, the general cost of snow holidays, and the added cost of taking 4 people on holiday instead of 1 it doesn't look like I'll ever see a mountain again!

I know its selfish, and I feel like such a failure to my wife and kids for not enjoying my life as much and feeling as blessed as I know I am, but I feel like I don't have a life anymore, or at least my life only consists of working, tidying the house, and looking after the kids, I used to be based in germany with the whole of europe at my doorstep, and I done a lot of travelling around too, now my life is based around 3 places, the workplace, my house, and the drive to and from work.

I should be able to find happiness in watching my daughter grow, and to be fair she can make me smile instantly and I love her to bits, but surely that can't be all I need to be happy? Is every other parent happy of being a parent and that's enough? I don't feel like I have an identity anymore, I rarely see my friends as we generally seen each other in the pub, which I now can't afford, or have the time to go to. I feel like this is my life now, a BORING 9-5 existence, scraping by until my last day!

Have you talked to your wife about how you feel... and why? Being a parent is stressful. Being a step parent is stressful. You look after the kids while your wife works. Doesn't she do the same thing (tidy up, watch the kids) while you work?

I think you need to sit down and talk frankly with your wife and perhaps consult with a professional before you become MORE unhappy.

Unfortunately responsibility is part of growing up - is that some of the problem?

Thanks for replying,

Yes I've talked to her about this, though maybe not about all of the 4th paragraph, but only because she has said before that she feels somehow guilty for ruining my life and if I told her all of that then that would be confirmed in her head, even though I don't feel at all like she has ruined my life, she has gave me a wonderful litte girl (when she wants to be!) and is by far the best friend I've ever had in my life. I still feel lucky and so happy that I married her, I would just like things to be as fun as they used to be sometimes..

Yes she does do the same thing, in fact far more, while I work. She's a very strong and hard working woman.

We have made a doctors appointment for me next week so are at least on the right track in seeing a GP?

I think looking at yourself and the relationship is 99% of the battle.

Keep us informed - ?

Quote:

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Originally Posted by isthisit

I would just like things to be as fun as they used to be sometimes.

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Once you become a responsible adult (responsible for other people in your life) and a parent, the word "fun" takes on a new definition.

When I was single, I would have fun when I would go to the bakery and spend my money on yummy cookies and coffeecakes that someone else made and washed the pans later. I didn't have to lift a finger except to pull money out of my wallet and tote a bag home with me.

Once I had children, fun became baking cookies with them and allowing them to dump ingredients into the mixing bowl and then sample our yummy results right out of the oven. I had bowls and measuring spoons/cups and pans to wash later, but I encouraged my kids to help by drying them and putting them back where they belong. It was fun working together and creating not only some delicious cookies but also some beautiful (and sometimes funny) memories.

Can you redefine and reframe "fun" now that you are a family man?

(P.S. Now I'm a lot older and my children are adults. I have the money to do anything I want, go anywhere I want, but you know what? I long for those days and the fun we used to have when my children were young. I'm having to again redefine and reframe what fun is.)

I really like the way you put it straight forward isthisit, and Wondergirl; good feedback! Mate, I completely get where you're coming from. I'm not nearly in the same situation, but partially I am! Here 27 (from the Netherlands, living in Asia), no kids yet; Thank God when I'm reading this :S; together with GF for 2 years, with our share of arguments and fights, but we're getting there. I'm very careful in how to approach family life. I'm a big snowboarding fan, and I completely understand how you feel life was so exciting, fun and active, and then now it revolves around just the few things like - home - work - gf/wife - kids - work, routine etc.

I am a bit more "free", but at down times, I get the same feelings of being trapped, purposeless, etc. At our age I think we're pretty prone to down times, and from what I understand it you need to see the opportunities and fun of your current situation: yes, I'm very much looking forward to my 2.5 week skiing holiday coming up in the French Alpes this Christmas, but I need to find the fun and challenges in the day to day operations as well to keep me going. Try to find joy in the little things you do, try to really see the enjoyment in those activities, and have things to do for yourself that you consider important for yourself, not for what your wife/children/routine considers important only, and fully embrace that. E.g. sports have always been an important routine for me, playing football (soccer as we call it in Europe) absorbes me and my friends every week. Motorbikes and skyscrapers keep my interest, and finding quiet moments for reading interesting stuff set my mind at peace at times. Don't be pessimistic; there's plenty of fun nice things you can do in your near area; perhaps it's time to pick up on some new things, make a change. Talk with your wife. I read an article ones about a couple who decided to cycle around the world, which lasted 15 years and they had two kids along the way! What a challenge, we need challenges. Routine and boredom gets us depressed and best way out is simply by changing things, doing new things, having things to look forward to. Guess that's we call life... Good luck mate