Hi everyone,

I am a newest member on this forum.My concern is about my 8 year old daughter. She is very intelligent and active. But she doesn't’t eat. Breakfast/lunch/dinner times are like a big issue to us. We tried all the ways like telling her how important is nutrition and things like that. But it didn't’t help much. She is fine for that day and same again. She is not putting on proper weight and looks very skinny. Her growth chart is below average. She gets cough and cold very easily and it stays for a long time. She is very good at studies but is very careless…she misses her homework and forgets her homework at school or home. She plays with her 4 year old sister all the time and gets jealous all the time.

She gets restless and screams at me. She has to be told about keeping her things properly and tidy time and again. Even though I tell her to do something more than once, she ignores me. She always had the issue of not eating.. but now a new issue of carelessness has started. We took her to the doctor and her health is perfectly fine but she is not putting on weight. She looks lean and skinny and has black spots below her eyes. Her 4 year old comes to her shoulder. We are very very worried. My husband comes back from work in the evening to see the kids and most of the times he is disappointed because the girl has not done her homework neatly or she is not eating. He tells me that he has to take care of his career and cannot spend time with the homework and food. Most of the times I get blamed for the kid not eating or not doing a neat work. I don’t have problem (touch wood) with my younger one. She takes care of herself and eats fast and does her work. I am very much worried about my older kid. She is so intelligent and smart but because of her eating habits and negligence she is not excelling in her class and this is creating some tension between myself and my husband.

I tell her a lot that dad needs to work (we had decided that I stay at home and take care of the kids) and needs to keep his mid fresh and we should keep him happy. She listens to me and she back to normal the next day. I buy her everything she needs and wants.

Any help/advise is greatly appreciated.

Thanks

I am afraid you are going to need more expert advice than I normally see in this post. Your daughter seems to be displaying control issues which will probably get worse over time. I doubt that she has reached the point of OCD but she may be on that track. The need for tidiness, lack of eating and her forgetfulness all point toward an inner need to control her life. I do not believe that this is a conscious decision on her part. She is probably as mystified as you about these issues. I would start by talking to her school social worker, not to get a "cure" but direction as to who can help you. Your pediatrician may also help direction you.

Thanks Ballengerb1. One more thing I want to tell is.. when there is no discussion on food, she is the best.. she doesn't have a fear of ublic speaking. She speaks up and she is very outgoing. She can write thoughtful essays and nice art. She can sing/dance very well and was a swim team champ last year. She does good at piano too. She has all the pluses.. but food is the main issue. What we feel is because she doesn't have energy and proper nutrition, she is unable to concentrate and do her things right.

Any help to improve appetite and making the girl eat would be very useful.

Thanks again

Have you taken her to a good pediatrician for a physical and advice? A good blood workup can tell a great deal about her nutritional status. The doctor can also help to address pre-anorexia conditions if she might be headed in that direction.

I think ballengerb1 is on the right course here. She may be suffering from anorexia and blood work can show nutritional status.

Anorexia is a disease of control. When a person with anorexia feels that things are out of control in their lives they and only they can control what they eat and when they eat.

Yes, altered nutrition status can very well be causing the altered mental status that you are seeing here.

If you don't eat, all of your organs starve, not just your tummy. If you don't put energy in your body, your body goes to it's fat stores to get the energy needed to function. If you have no fat, you have no energy. Organs become damaged, some beyond repair.

It is said that children who eat a good balanced nutritious breakfast function better in school, they can concentrate better on tests, etc. It sounds as though you may need to get her in for blood work and maybe some serious professional counseling to find out why she has chosen to stop eating.

Hi J_9,

Would it be possible for you to talk to me and my child over phone for a few minutes? If yes, please send your contact number and good time to call to the email ID sri2869 at Yahoo dot com.

Thanks in advance

Do you have Yahoo messenger and a mic and headset?

Hi J_9,

We do have Yahoo Messenger and headset. We feel that Google talk is better. Nevertheless, we are fine with Yahoo messenger. What time is conveninet for you. We are in EST and I don't mind calling you if you are in US/Canada. If not, please invite me for the Yahoo chat and send me an offline message.

Thanks again

Check your PM Mom

My messenger is giving some problems. I need to reinstal it. We are going out now and will be back by 7:15pm EST. I will check the message then. If you have asked to come online before that.. please send a PM for a different time.

Thanks again

I have a different take on this. It may be that too much is put on her to please her father. The pressure can be too much for a child her age. I think I would start with a therapist because you have said that her health is good.
Her father may need to go to the therapist also, maybe you all need to go. This can only get worse until she feels loved and wanted... no matter if her work is not as neat as her parents want it to be or that she forgets things. It sounds more psych to me. More than a willfulness to disobey or not to eat. We are all different and sometimes the pressure to please others, can make children have strange reactions.
I don't think this can be solved by an on-line conversation.. it sounds like you need some long term care. Please see a therapist and a psycholist.
Goos Luck and let us know how this works out for you.

Are there slim people in your family? I've always been very slim but I am not anorexic. I go in cycles for ,my eating one week I'll hardly touch food then the next I'll eat. One comment that you made about her, she is 8 years old and she writes essays? Your 4 year old has work? Lofty expectations are cool but do you think you might not be pushing them a little hard? Please don't think that I am critical because I am delighted to see childhood academia but please remember that childhood is getting so short in modern times. You also mentioned that you buy her whatever she wants or needs. Indulge the needs but not all of the wants. I agree with theothers on the site though, please consult a physician and also a dietitian.

I am an early childhood educator and have seen that children go through stages in respect to eating. Also, it is never a good idea to force a child to eat. This just makes them more not wanting to eat. I do agree with some of the posts written, pressure is not a good thing on a child. Children already have enough stresses, be it school, separation anxiety, etc. To me this is more the "emotional development" that needs attention. Sounds like she wants your attention and love. Positive reinforcement goes a long way - I would tell her all the good things she does. Also, it is important to not buy her everything, instead teach her to share with others who don't have those things. The fact that you are on this post says a lot about your love for your family. Good luck.

Thanks everyone for all your valuable advises. We love the child a lot and do not want her to assume that we are paying more attention to the younger one. About the essays,reading,writing... we never force her or tell her to do something.. she does it on her own. The only thing we are concerned is about her food.. my sister used to be very lean when she was young.. I was lean and never used to like eating when I was young. But the problem is I get so worried being a mom that she doesn't eat. We took her to a doctor and spoke to her teacher... we have only very very nice things to hear about her... food is the only issue.

We tried the technique of letting her choose the menu for one day in a week... and things have started to change a little after that. I am allowing her to help me in the kitchen and she is enjoying the attention.. I have also asked her to watch the little one eat and help her if needed and I am giving her a quarter for helping me in chores.. things are slowly working out. Hopefully in the near future I would be in a position to advise moms with 2 girls having similar problems.

Thanks again..

Wow, this all sounds wonderful. I am so happy to hear that you are all making progress.

Sometimes all it takes is a little rearranging and it sounds like you are doing a great job. Keep it up.

Well try taking her to a doctor maybe she is depressed because I did that once when I was depressed

At 8 it is unlikely she suffers from an eating disorder, though not impossible. But she would have to be getting the idea from somewhere. I have a child who is also 8, and in the 25th percentile for weight, but also for height. When the two coincide, this is not a problem. Is your child tall and very thin? Or of a small frame all around? To me, it seems your expectations may be too high. Have your child make a fist. When she does, examine the size of it closely. A child's stomach is approximately the size of their fist. Are you expecting her to eat more than that in a sitting? If so, you are pushing too hard. A child needs only a small amount at meals, and as long as she tries a spoonful of each item at a meal and fills her tiny tummy, you are doing well. She should also snack throughout the day, but on healthy foods like fruits, veggies, and dairy items. Adults typically eat far larger portions than they should, and we tend to heap large portions onto our kids' plates. It is unhealthy. Either give them a small amount that you expect them to eat, or give them a larger amount and allow them to leave food behind. The (adult) people who struggle the most with their weight are often the ones who were told to clean their plate!

My little girl - is very very clever and displays some of the above and she is on the autistic spectrum - in a Bill Gates kind of way!! Just a thought !