Hi, I'm 24 and my boyfriend is 28 years old. I love him very much and I know he love me too. But my problem is my boyfriend can't accept my past, it's killing him softly. It's hard for me to see him hurting, I feel so bad every time he talked about my past. My ex is his friend and he can't accept that all of the people in the world why did I landed on his friend. Of course we have sex but I prefer making love If you don't mind. And my boyfriend now can't accept it, he always tell me how he feels about it. Every time he shove it to my face it tears me to pieces, and it hurt me so bad. But I try to understand him every time he talks about my past.

I told him if he can't accept my past, might as well leave me but he don't want to do that(That what he said). We love each other so much but because of my past, it's destroying us slowly...

I'm desperate for help that's why I take my chance here. (Sorry for my English)

He has issues, it should be him posting here, not you! He just has to accept it. And frankly, he should be happy you opened up and were truthful about your past instead of keeping it from him. What is it exactly he can't accept? Is he just upset you were with his friend before him? That you'll leave him for another?

One way or another he ha to accept it, or yes it's going to destroy the relationship.

X Dani

It's YOUR past... either he accepts it or he doesn't. Really, it's not your problem but his. You can't change your past and you shouldn't be made to feel guilty and bad because he has issues with something you did before him. Stop feeling guilty about it. He needs to accept it and move forward without throwing it in your face or let it eat him up and move on.

Set some rules so he can stay within the boundaries of good acceptable behavior. If he cannot stay cool, calm, collected and under control, or at least try, the he will indeed make you both miserable.

He should think, before he acts or speaks. Tell him that.

You can not change your past, he knows about it, so why do you keep talking about it. Talk it, discuss it, then leave it in the past

Who keeps bringing it up. And why

Thanks for the fast response to my question. Its like this, he and my ex are friends, so that means he is in the past too. May boyfriend now witness me and his friend before we became lovers. At first it was okay, everything is okay until his family say bad things about me. That's when the problem came, he keep asking me about my past then it make me feel that I'm a bad woman :(...

My boyfriend keep bringing up my past. Want to know what we do? Stuff like that, and I answer him with all my heart. And eventually its sticks to his mind and can't get over it.

This is his problem and he needs to deal with it, not you. Tell him he needs to stop bringing up your past... it is just that... past. There is no reason at all that you should be made to feel guilty about something that is over and done with when it had nothing to do with him in the first place. Honestly, to me it sounds like he has some sort of mental issues if he needs to keep bringing this up.

It's all a question of how long you will let him keep making you feel bad for this. Me? I would tell him to stop or it's over. I wouldn't let someone constantly bring me down in this way.

Do not ignore the fact that you are getting but a preview in how this fellow handles his personal problems, and feelings. If he is blaming you, or constantly bringing it up, then that's a very big red flag, a warning for you to pay closer attention to.

If he is NOT making to positive efforts to deal with the reality of the situation, then no matter how you feel about it will not help you at all.

Accepting bad behavior in words or actions is never a good solution, and you will find yourself in the position to constantly defend yourself. That's no good, so be firm in what you stand for, and what you will NOT. He has to get with the program, or get gone!

I already told him stop bringing up the past because it's not helping it's only destroying our relationship. Past is past (that's what I said) he can't accept it. I already told him if he can't accept if, it's better if we broke up, but he said that's not the solution. He said he love and want to stay but he can accept my past.

I try to love him in anyway I can to help him forget my past. But everything is useless, everything is still the same. It's getting harder everyday. And I think it's destroying my personality into pieces.

He says he loves you and breaking up is not the answer... so he would rather beat you up mentally for something you can't change and shouldn't need to. See what it's doing to you? Tell him the solution is to break up and walk away from him. It's not worth putting yourself through this.

I always tell him that is the solution, but said it's not the solution. He sad he loves me and he is torn between me and my past. He said he want to walk away but he can't do it. He said he love me but he can't get over with my past. Our relationship is more than a year and the problem is still the same.

It makes me feel guilty, because of my past he is hurt badly, and It makes me feel is all my fault.

He already ask some of his friend opinion about what he feels. They said, accept her past that's the way it is. He said they are right, but he still can't accept it.

He try to find answer here in ask me help desk. He found out some situation like him, he let me read it. And that's why I landed here, and I want to ask for help. You see that he wants to know what is the solution to his problem. To our problem.

We have already told you the solution. Unfortunately, there is no magical answer to this. Either he forgets about it and learns to live with it or he doesn't and you break up. Nobody can really give you a different answer.

Accept it or don't... that's it.

And if I was you, I'd leave him for putting you through this.

That is the solution... the answer... the only one you're going to get.

I now what your saying, it's just that I want to find other solution. You now when your in a relationship, you want to save it. I don't want to throw our memories just like that and I think he feel the same way too.

Zhelmond,

If you can dare to CONFESS your past, your boyfriend must have the guts to ACCEPT the truth, you unfolded to him. After all, he is a BOY. Is not he?

Acceptance is the most powerful thing in the world, that's what he needs to learn, and yeah, it is HIS problem, not yours. It is life and everything happens in it. And, he must swallow the fact that you can't change your past, you can't revolve it back. So, just digest it, swallow it, accept it, bear with it. That's all, he needs to keep in mind.

This will not only save the relationship, but also save the mental and physical health of both of you, which can tear to smithreens, if you do not.

I hope, it helps!

He has become emotionally abusive and you are allowing it. He cannot do anything to hurt you that you don't give him permission to do. So stop giving him permission.

Tell him once and for all you are not answering questions about your ex and what you did together or didn't do. (I shudder to think of what he might be asking his friend.) Stop answering his questions. Walk away when he brings up the past. Do not go to bed with him as long as he is abusing you with his issues. Stop enabling his behavior.

Take back your pride and dignity. If he loves you, he loves all of you and has to learn to accept what made you the person and lover that you are. You need to take responsibility for allowing this to continue and staying in this mess instead of getting out. You are hurting yourself as much as he is. That needs to stop.

Both of you need to step back and re-evaluate your relationship. Reset the relationship to the beginning and start building a better foundation of trust, acceptance, and love or walk away, heal and find new partners.

To him: How did something your family say lead to this mess? Are they still making comments that are keeping this subject alive and in your thoughts? If so, why are you listening to them? Stop torturing yourself and her. Love is not hurting another person to make yourself feel better which is what you are doing.

Where do you see this relationship going? What do you want out of this relationship?

I wish we could leave comments when we do a +1 but that is for another post... anyway, I wanted to say that Cat just gave the best advice here and it was an excellent answer.

Me? I'm done with this thread as I really don't think the OP wants a real answer.

I want to say thank you to all of you who gave me wonderful advice. I want to say thank you to Cat1864, Kahani Punjab, odinn7 , talaniman, DaniCalifornia, Fr_Chuck. Thank you so much for you time to answer me.

His family stop talking bad things about me. I talk to them what really happens and I think I'm okay with them now.

I think it will take years before my boyfriend can accept everything. And he is also scared of what other people going to say to me, to us. As you all know his friend is my ex.

Zhelmond,

1. Relax, time is a great healer.
2. I wish everything turns out fine, soon.
3. If you love each other, and are honest to each other, the relationship will last for long/ever, but hesitate to crop/bring up the issue yourself, at least, and try to hide the 'intimate' things/issues/encounters, as much as you can.

Good Luck!