I am in love with a man that I just recently found out has, he said I was the love of his life and wanted to be with me, I recently had a twin miscarriage and had a hard time dealing with it and with not knowing of his condition I lied to him which I deeply regret, I have tried apologizing, but he has cut all contact with me, he doesn't know that I have learned he has this till after the fact. I want so much for him to know I still love him regardless of this, I packed all my belongings and moved 100 miles away to be with him. How do I get him to talk to me? Should I approach him and try to get his forgiveness?

The lie concerns the miscarriage? I'm not sure I understand. (I'm married to a guy with Asperger's, so may be able to help you.)

If you did a major lie, his condition may have nothing to do with this, Again, if a man comes here and tells us that his girlfriend has broken his heart, lied to him in a major way our advice is just that, break off all contact and move on.

So what was the lie,

What concerns me, if you were so much in love why you had to lie, if you were having trouble that is when you go to the people you love, not lie to them

I really can't say it was a lie, but he thinks it is, I ended up at the hospital again and they thought either I hadn't completely miscarried or I was pregnant again, my hcg levels were still showing I was, but after more testing I wasn't, I told him before I knew the ending result, after telling him the result he assumed I was lying and I tried to show him the lab work but he refuses to see it, his father has told him not to have anymore to do with me and he has the tendency to believe everyone, but if I can't talk to him how do I prove myself? That's why I asked if I should go approach him?

People who are on the autism spectrum, specifically with Asperger's, cannot lie because they are so perfectly literal -- it's black or white with no shades of gray. He wanted you to be literal too. Now his father has chimed into that literalness.

Simplicity is also needed by people with Asperger's. Instead of long, involved explanations and apologies, perhaps rehearse to yourself a short, simple, literal statement of the truth.

Now how to get to him. People with Asperger's are visual creatures. How about a note, or would his father confiscate it? A phone call isn't good because he needs the visual, words on paper or seeing your face. A face-to-face meeting?

Remember, short and simple: "I am sorry. I was wrong. Please forgive me."

***ADDED*** People with Asperger's usually don't carry grudges. They don't even know what that means. Thus, they are quick to forgive. The person you need to worry about is his father. Can you connect with him somehow?

He works for his father and always told me how critical his parents have treated him. His father I'm sure would confiscate it. He has not told me he has this condition and now looking back on everything I totally 100% see why and understand all of his actions. It sheds a whole new perspective on everything, he always has told me that he would hurt me and didn't want too or mean too. I know he loves me that's the thing, he is 40 and I am 39, I was thinking about showing up after he leaves for work one day and get him to talk, at this point it's the only thing I know to do?

A face-to-face meeting seems like the best idea. But be forewarned -- because of his inability to tell a lie and because of the literalness, he will very likely tell his father that he saw you and spoke with you.

Is it possible his father also has Asperger's?

I am not sure, his father is a retired chief of police, he is an older man 80 something.

It's possible the father is somewhere on the spectrum. His singlemindedness about you and his rigidity hint of that. Police work would have given him the needed structure to succeed.

What are you thinking at this point?

My thoughts are that he may not know he has this condition, he told me that his parents had him evaluted as child because he was very different but very intelligent and that he is, but he said they told him he was just smart they never said anything was wrong, he said his parents have always said he can't do anything right, I have never understood that, he is a very sweet man. He also has a 5 year old son that is parents have wanted him to be evaluated, his sisters have also recommend he do that and he get's very defensive about it, I see the son having that because he constanlty wears sunglasses, doesn't like his routine interuppted, aligns legos in colors,builds things repeatively and was just recently potty trained but I had forced the issue about it. He did try to have the little boy enrolled at a private school but during the asessment they wouldn't accept him, they said he needed a more structured environment, he has yet to have the son evaluated. When my father and son met this man they made the statement he was weird but seemed very smart, regardless I love him I don't want to give up on him, I am definitely going to try and go meet with him I just hope he will talk to me.

Well, my guess is that he will be a very loyal husband or at least loyal partner. MIT and CalTech and Silicon Valley are full of people with Asperger's. If he has Asperger's, he has his oddities, but then, don't we all. You'll have to figure out how his brain is wired differently from yours (he's literal, hates change, doesn't like social interaction, may have poor eye contact). And yes, I'm sure he's very smart, nerdy even in his love for mechanics or computers or photography.

Yes he does have poor eye contact, has been classed as a nerd and loves mechanics, computers and photography, seems like it's hard to get through to him, he will stand there with his hands in his pockets and not know what to say sometimes, he has told me he doesn't want what to do in certain situations but now I know and I want to help him that way he can help his son. Thank you so much for chatting with me, my father and best friend want me to play the no contact rule game with him, but they haven't done the research I have done about this. I do believe he has shut himself down and I don't want to make it worse, but it has been 9 days since I have seen him, I was thinking of making a trip next week to see if I can speak with him. I just wonder if I am still on his mind at all, can they miss the person they called the love of their life?

Quote:

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Originally Posted by howdoihelphim

I just wonder if I am still on his mind at all, can they miss the person they called the love of their life?

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Sorry I had to leave for a while. We were eating Thanksgiving dinner.

Aspies are very loyal and aren't fickle. I'm guessing he still loves you very much and misses you. Unfortunately, he has his father to contend with.

Please keep me informed as to how this goes -- and holler if you have questions.

The only thing I can figure is a face to face talk with him. How to accomplish that, I don't know.

As Far as people with Aspergers being able to lie, they can. The man I was dating told me that he lied to his boss. He knew he was lying. I think they can premeditate a lie but maybe not if it is spontaneous. I guess it depends on the person. Everyone is and individual and have their own personalities.