I have been with my husband for 8 years now and in June 2011 I found out that he had cheated on me and gotten this 21 year old girl pregnant. He is 23 years older than her and has children the same age from a previous marriage. I thought he was my best friend and that we were very good at communicating with each other. This affair came as a shock to me. My husband claimed that it was just sex and that this happened because he was feeling low because he didn't get a job that he had worked really hard for. When I confronted him about his affair told me that there was a strong possibility that the baby was his but he wasn't going to tell me until after he had done a paternity test. He claimed that he wanted us to work on this and to have counselling to try to save our marriage. I asked him to allow a three way conversation with this girl because the baby would be a part of our lives and would be a part of our son's life also, he said no to this claiming that I do not need to have a relationship with this girl. I asked him to sever all contact with her and to do the paternity test and then if he is the father to take care of his responsibility to his child. He agreed to this but I found out later that he was allowing the girl to come to our home. I feel that although I still love him I cannot stay with him because he has violated my trust and belief in him. This has caused me to question his integrity and also whether I am prepared to help to fix a marriage that he broke. I have analysed this to try to understand my role in his affair and very much feel that I gave him opportunity to discuss his feelings of inadequacy when he didn't get the job promotion. He acknowledges that he felt flatered that a young woman was interested in him and didn't think about his family unit before proceeding with this affair. He claims that the pregnancy resulted from a burst condom however I have questions about this because there is easy access to emergency contraception to prevent an unwanted pregnancy and neither of them thought about this. The result of this is he now has a son 1 week old. My question is how does anyone manage to rebuild their trust in a partner when this has been violated? I really don't think that I can see the person I vowed to love and forsake all others anymore it feels like he is a stranger to me. Sorry this is long winded just have lots of emotions that I am trying to process.

Of course he will have some level of communication with this women for years and years as the child is growing, so to expect no contact is not goint to happen. Having the women in your home is a different issue and obvious he is not breaking it off with her.

He needs a DNA test, Not all people believe in or will use a morning after pill.

No, at this point in the relationship, I don't know for sure what you expect from a 3 way call, unless you think he is telling you one thing and her another. I would expect her to say things to you that are hurtful and you to say things to her that are hurtful and at the end, just everyone being worst off than they are.

All contact with or for the child can be done though a 3rd party and any visits done with picking the child up though a 3rd party or at a public place.

The counseling will work, if everyone wants it to

The affair would not have happened if he'd got the promotion he wanted? That's the lamest excuse I've heard in a long, long time. What kind of man, who is married, with a child, has an affair at the age of 44, with a 21 year old kid anyway.

And she comes to your home when you aren't there? And he's already told you that had you not found out about her, you likely wouldn't ever have known. Maybe he would have got around to telling you about her and the baby, maybe he wouldn't have. He wouldn't be the first man to have a baby with a secret lover.

I wonder what her parents think of him...

Do you think about how he found her? If he can lie this easily to you in order to establish an affair, think of how easy it was for him to lie to her. A burst condom? Not the only way to prevent a pregnancy as you've pointed out.

I don't know what to tell you. I doubt a paternity test is necessary to determine he is the father. Him putting that doubt in the mix doesn't take him off the hook, even if he isn't the father. He must be sure himself it is his, otherwise he would have just admitted to the affair.

But you are right to question everything about this man, that you thought you knew. In addition to what you have found out, what makes you think he is even remorseful, or that he would be honest in marriage counselling, and turn his life around. Has he ever been unfaithful before? Have you been suspicious in the past?

I can't imagine that you haven't thought of leaving him. If that is on your mind, get some good advice from a divorce lawyer. With a man like this, I would advise you to think about protecting your assets, and be prepared for what could happen. I would not put it past him to leave you, for her.

Try to think of your needs, and your son's needs first. Forget about establishing contact with her, and thinking about the future with visitation, and all the other complications- at least for now.

As long as the affair is ongoing, my advice to you is to put your priorities in order.

I'm only 23years old and marriage for a few months now my husband who was my boyfriend at the time cheated on me and have a little baby girl now... sometimes the pain inside seeing him with this child which is not mines is so hurtful. I am a christian person and I no that God hates divorce and I did no about the pregnancy before I married to him but the baby didn't born yet now that the baby is born it feels worst. He having to keep a relationship with his child is so disturbing at times I cannot believe I put myself in this mess something's.But I am willing to fight this feeling because I love my husband and want it to work between us...

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Originally Posted by fearfulwife

I'm only 23years old and marriage for a few months now my husband who was my boyfriend at the time cheated on me and have a little baby girl now...sometimes the pain inside seeing him with this child which is not mines is so hurtful. I am a christian person and i no that God hates divorce and i did no about the pregnancy before i married to him but the baby didnt born yet now that the baby is born it feels worst. He having to keep a relationship with his child is so disturbing at times i jus cannot believe i put myself in this mess somethings.But i am willing to fight this feeling because i love my husband and want it to work between us....

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Then you need to come to terms with the situation - that might involve counselling, might involved him in counselling, you in counselling - because it seems to be more your problem than his.

If you truly believe that divorce is not possible because of your religious beliefs then you need to speak to a religious clergy person.

You married him knowing the situation so there's little to say. It does appear that he's trying to be a good father, and that's good for the child.

Did he tell you about the affair, the pregnancy, did you find out some other way?