Hello everyone,

I have a serious problem and would appreciate any advice or insight. I am a newlywed. Our wedding was just two months ago. My husband and I have had a long distance relationship throughout the two and a half years that we have been together and we continue to live apart (states away) until I complete my education this June. To be perfectly honest, I have been miserable every day since my wedding day. I never expected to feel this way, granted I was told that a new marriage is an "adjustment" and not always as smooth as one would expect.

I spent the better part of last year planning our wedding (it became a second full-time job), and I had all the best hopes for a beautiful marriage with the love of my life. We had the normal amount of spats and prewedding jitters, but there was no question in my mind that I was doing the right thing by marrying my husband.

Our relationship changed dramatically on our wedding day. You should know that my husband was raised by parents who underwent a nasty divorce when he was approximately 16 years old. He is the eldest son and perhaps for this reason developed an almost protectorship role over his mother. The two are extremely close, which initially impressed me greatly. At the end of our wedding reception, his mother, who had become quite drunk, publicly humiliated my mother over a sheer misunderstanding. (Due to some rowdiness at the reception, the management decided to close the bar and stop the music, effectively ending the party--my mother-in-law thought my mother made the decision to stop everything). I spent the last 30 minutes of my wedding reception hurriedly saying goodbye to guests in order to console my crying mother. When my newlywed husband and I returned to our honeymoon suite, I spent one hour crying myself to sleep. He barely tried to console me. The next morning when I asked him to go and speak to his mother, to explain the situation (that stopping the party was not my mother's doing) and suggest that perhaps she apologize to my mom, he became very defensive and standoffish. This was the initial event that created a rift between my husband that since my wedding days has continued to grow. My family counseled me to not let this happening come between us. And I agreed that I wouldn't. Because I realized that pitting our young marriage against tensions that have been drawn along family lines is a recipe for failure.

Still, I could not fully understand my husband's defensiveness any time the topic of our wedding reception would arise. To this day, he continues to defend his mother's actions, despite numerous witness accounts that my mother was, in fact, not responsible for what she was accused. TO make matters worse, two of my close friends and wedding guests came to me with a story that both hurt and humiliated me. They went to say goodbye to my mother-in-law after the wedding who was still visible upset over the incident with my mother. She began to say negative things about me! We had never (and have never) exchanged an ill word as long as I have known her. She told my friends that I "drive [her] son crazy" and that I am "as crazy as my mother". She told them that she doesn't expect our marriage to last over "one month". These are accounts by two friends who approached me independently out of concern. I waited for several weeks before discussing this with my husband. And I did so as gently as possible. I told him that I didn't expect him to discuss this with this mother, that I never would, and that I don't even expect her to remember because she was so drunk. But I brought it up because I wanted him to know and to understand why I don't feel very comfortable around her. He responded compassionately, saying that she has no right to speak about me like this. It bestowed some of my much needed confidence in him.

Several weeks later, he confronted his mother with this story in my defense. She denied absolutely everything that happened, and the discussion erupted into a huge argument between the two of them. My husband then took out his frustration over their argument on me by saying it was all my fault and that I created the problem. The fact that he could say this to me, even out of pure frustration, broke my heart. Since then our relationship has continued to deteriorate. We argue so frequently, punctuated by days when we don't speak at all. He has made it very clear to me that he would like for us to move close to his mother in the future, which is entirely unacceptable to me. We actually had a huge right about this: I believe that where we decide to live should be based on locations that are safe, have good school systems for our future children, provide us with satisfying employment opportunities. He simply wants to move to Florida to be "close to family" (though no one other than his mother resides there). When I ask him to promise that in the future we will be a team and make decisions purely in our best interest, excluding any external factors, he replies: I can't do that. My heart sinks further. We used to be a team, we are not anymore, not even close.

All I ask from my husband is devotion. He seems completely unable to give it to me. He is cold to me, lacks compassion, is very critical of me. Any time I try to bring things up about our relationship or his behaviour that have bothered me, the conversation 8/10 times ends in him hanging up on me. He blames all of our problems on me. He is actually annoyed and angry with me that I don't "just let go" of how his mother insulted me in front of my friends.

We grow farther apart, day by day. His callousness, lack of devotion, lack of compassion and caring have disillusioned me. I cannot evn look at photos of my wedding. All of this has happened in the context of extreme pressures from work, in finding a suitable job after my graduation, in recovering from an incidentally discovered ectopic pregnancy. I am so emotionally overwhelmed that I cry daily after work. My family is very concerned, my father has been twice to visit since the wedding in order to support and keep me company. My close friends are very worried about me. My work performance is beginning to suffer.

Can anyone tell me if I have done something wrong? If I should be more patient? Or can someone offer me any advice on how to get through to my husband because his callousness is pushing me away. I never had a plan to get married and promptly divorced. It absolutely breaks my heart that things have transpired in this way. I am still in love with the man who proposed to me, and I find it hard to accept that he may be gone.

I am very grateful for any objective advice anyone can offer me.

Thank you

You do have options.

Living apart for 2 1/2 years, then marrying him, and still not living as a married couple, should/could be in the annulment ballpark. I would seriously consider this option, if it is possible.

You did not know the man you married, and you knew his mother even less. His future with you, will always involve his mother, including the fact that he expects you to live near her when you graduate.

Not to mention that you have over six months to go before you can live as husband and wife!

A second option is counselling, if he is willing. To put the already, major divisions between you, on the table and see what compromises can be made.

A third option would be to seek guidance on your own, maybe through the college or university you are attending.

You have Christmas break coming up I presume, and I'm curious as to where you are going to be- with him (and his mother), or with him at your fathers' home, or maybe he has his own place?

I can't say that anyone can predict how this is all going to turn out for you, but to your credit you are realizing many serious problems, that were nagging at you prior to the marriage. That things have not turned out the way they should have, does not mean a life sentence with a man that, although you may love him, is not compatible or reasonable, and staying with him would be impossible.

Who doesn't come from a broken home these days. Your only real excuse for his bad and unrealistic behaviour toward you, his wife, is the fact that his parents had a nasty divorce when he was around 16, and he is therefore over protective of his mother. That is nonsense.

Your needs should come first, your marriage depends upon both partners working together for the good of the union. To add a nasty mother in law in the picture, and know that she will always be in the picture, is a huge compromise on your part.

Have you thought about what you might do until you figure out if the marriage is worth trying to salvage?

Jake, thank you for your response.

I'll try to succinctly answer some of the questions you address.

In fact, I thought I knew the man I was marrying, but I think he was very good at hiding some personal weaknesses. You are right that I knew his mother even less, but she has turned out to be huge fake. I should have been warned when his brothers' girlfriends told me that she has verbally attacked them in the past, and both occasions had been entirely unwarranted. I was also told that she has a drinking problem by one of the women, but I didn't believe it only because it is in my nature to give people the benefit of the doubt until they demonstrate aberrant behaviour. So, I guess I didn't realize that I was entering into an illusion by people who were adept at hiding their faults.

I am willing to try counseling with him. Of course it becomes logistically difficult because we live far away. I am looking into weekend couples therapy. I am also seeking personal counseling because I have become extremely depressed and frankly can't function in this state of mind for much longer.

Regarding Christmas, we will be spending it with his mother. It was more of a declaration, we didn't actually discuss it, he just indicated that this year we will spend the holiday in Florida. I really don't feel comfortable around his mother, though I show no indication that I have a problem with her. The last time I saw her (after the wedding), I made my best effort to be courteous and polite to her (though not outwardly warm and fuzzy).

I will give you an example of something that happened that absolutely disillusioned me. Approximately a month ago I was not feeling well. I am, fortunately, a very healthy person, who rarely gets sick. I was having heavy bleeding (which I attributed to an irregular period, perhaps due to wedding-related stress). My husband and I had been arguing that week and in a gesture of reconciliation I bought him a ticket to visit me (I couldn't leave because of work responsibilities). That Friday morning he was complaining of a bad headache and I was trying to console him and see what was wrong. He disappeared for 5 hours, and I became very worried. When he finally called me, he informed me that he went to an urgent care clinic for migraine therapy and was completely out of it. I told him I was very concerned and was relieved that we were OK and feeling better. But I also told him that I wish he or someone from the clinic had called me to give me an update, because he just disappeared after telling me "I'm having the worst headache of my life". The moment he heard this he became furious, he told me that all I care about is myself and I should "f*** off" and "go f*** myself". He also said that he is not coming to visit. So I hung up the phone, tried to regain composure. I didn't call him for the rest of the day.

Meanwhile, on this day, I began feeling extremely lightheaded. I told a friend of mine who is a physician and works in a large local medical center. He called a friend of his who was on call in the ER and told me that they were expecting my visit. This was late that Friday night. All of a sudden, I receive a text message from my husband saying that he was "downtown" (ie he had come after all) and was getting a drink with a buddy of his. I told him that I was en route to the hospital. He said he would meet me there. When I arrived, at the ER a nurse checked me in and escorted me immediately into one of the exam rooms. My husband arrived and was quite cold. The doctors took very good care of me. They also diagnosed me after several blood tests and an ultrasound with an ectopic pregnancy. I was feeling lightheaded because of the bleeding and dehydration. When my husband heard this he was almost emotionless, like it was a bruise that would just go away.

We were in the ER until 4:00 am, came back to my home and went to bed. The next morning he actually apologized for the way he spoke to me. I told him that there were other things I wanted to discuss, related to issues regarding the wedding and other problems I had had with his behaviour. When I started recounting this, in a very gentle manner, he became immediately defensive and emotional. I got up to use the rest room and when I returned I saw that he had gotten up, thrown his wedding ring on my bed and had left my apartment with his things, without so much as a goodbye. What man has the heart to abandon his newlywed, abnormally pregnant wife?

This made me lose a great deal of faith in him. The memories hurt me. I am still trying to reconcile because I will give up once I prove to myself that I have done everything I can to save my marriage. I think it is quickly heading that way though. To answer your question, I don't know what I might do until I figure out if the marriage is worth trying to salvage.

Thanks for reading.

You put way too much importance on a "thing" a wedding. Seldom do they ever go right, Great one once where the bride was drunk as a skunk before the wedding, could barely walk up the isle.

But he will defend his mom, you defend yours, that is not YOU and HIM,

So the reception went bad, no one set fire to anything, no one got physcially hurt, I have had fights start.

The issue here is, you have to "let go" about a silly reception, other things are way to important.

No wonder you had doubts before you married him. But little did you know all those seemingly minor things about him, and what you heard from your (now) sisters-in-law, would turn out to be huge red flags.

I am sorry about the ectopic pregnancy, but, I am happy that you have not had children with this man.

It would seem that he has many negative personality traits, in familiar pattern to his mother. The two of them together, under one roof at Christmas time, with you there too, really seems like a disaster waiting to happen in my opinion. I think it is safe to assume that he likely discusses everything with his mother, and expect that under her roof, they will be two birds of a feather. Hungry hawks, and you are the rabbit.

I don't know what you do love about him, or why you think this is love. Throwing the ring under the circumstances you've described, is surely testament to his lack of character, to say the least. I would take that as a sign that you might want to realize this marriage of yours, is over.

Counselling for you is an excellent idea, and I'm glad you are going. I am not so sure that couples counselling is something you should enter into until you have a better perspective on what your options are, and what you might reasonably expect as an outcome, when you are able to define your own needs. Trying to fix problems within a marriage is one thing, in a traditional sense, but to try to make a marriage work under these circumstances, seems doubtful to me.

You may be trying as you said, to do everything you can to save your marriage, but, it is hard from the outside looking in, just what your marriage is. It almost seems like he married you for purposes other than love. Maybe he needed to break from his mother, maybe she wanted him to grow up, get married, have children, etc. who knows. You seem to have ignored warning signs, and moved too quickly to marry a man that was clearly not marriage material in my opinion.

To save something that never really was, or salvage what never really was, may just leave you, or put you, in a position to take more abuse from him and his mother. You are going in one direction, and the two of them, another. You want to save the marriage, he's made it pretty clear he could care less, by his actions, and I don't know why you would go any further.

At least without some time and therapy on your own first.

Please reconsider not going to his mother's house for Christmas, and instead, go to your own family home, and be with people who truly love you. I think you would benefit from a few days with your father particularly. Marriage doesn't mean continuously setting yourself up for battle, while at the same time, trying to maintain peace, and salvage a marriage that he doesn't seem to think is worth saving. If all his brothers are married, maybe she will fight even more to keep control over her son.

And I still have a feeling that there might be more to this than you have said so far. Maybe you just need confirmation that you aren't crazy, or a bad person, or a horrible wife, and that what you have described in a fair, reasonable, and factual way is very close to the truth. You haven't sugar coated anything, and clearly you are not responsible for his (or his mothers) behaviour.

Maybe the gift of time, just for yourself, with a therapist, and then Christmas with your family, even for a few days, may give you more confidence, and perspective, on what your next move should be.

So putting your needs first this time, and taking care of yourself, seems to me to be a good option, particularly over the holidays. Don't be afraid to tell him exactly why either. List it on a paper and have that list handy when he calls. Let him know that you aren't any longer subject to his 'demands', or behaviour. Be strong.

I am hoping that others will weigh in on this situation, and give you more perspectives and opinions. Please post as often and as much as you want/need to.

Stay strong.

I'm going to ask you to look at everything from a slightly different perception. You seem to be very focused on how you see the events and his behavior. Have you really stopped to pay attention to your own and how he might see it?

From what I am reading, you keep bringing up the reception, his mother's actions and his behavior after the fact.

Obviously things were getting out of hand with more people at the reception than his mother if the management at the site closed the bar and stopped the music. Were you upset with those who were acting up and caused the party to end earlier than planned?

Then his mother acts up and says things she shouldn't have to your mother which upsets you even more. How many times do you think he has witnessed his mother acting like that? How many memories do you think that might have stirred up along with the feelings of being helpless to do anything but feeling responsible because he is the oldest child? Now he has you and what probably seems to him to be your family against his mother and him. You may have thought you weren't blaming him for his mother's actions, but he may not have seen it that way. Your family gave you great advice-let it go. Did you or did it simmer wanting for the next bit of heat to be added?

Your well meaning friends added that bit of heat, didn't they? They could have kept her drunken rambling to themselves, but they didn't. You could have let it go as more of the craziness that happened that night, but you didn't. You could have gone to him when you found out and let him know then you were concerned about how his mother really feels about you and that you need to step back from the situation. You didn't. You held on to the hurt for awhile letting build while letting him think you were being forgiving and letting go. Did you really want him to hold it in or did you secretly want him to confront his mother who you admit probably wouldn't have remembered? Did his going to confront her show you he 'loved you' more than her? Did you say anything when she denied it? Then he gets upset with you because his loyalties are divided. His mother says one thing. She was there (drunk, but there). You have only your 'friend's' statements and even though they were well-meaning, they could have taken things out of context. Now, once again he is in the middle between you and her over what happened that night. He may have felt like you were trying to put a wedge between him and his mother and reacted like a hurt child.

Only he knows what his mother has said to him. But you know often you have tried to get him to see your side of the 'issues'. You know if you have given him any reason to think you are trying to check up on him or wanting an accounting of his time when he doesn't get in touch with you for five hours. I know you were worried, but when you knew he had a very bad headache, did you expect him to get back in touch with you so soon? Did you think he might try to take something and fall asleep for awhile to get over it?

I do find it interesting that he went out drinking with a friend after having a major headache and 'migraine' treatment, but that is another discussion.

At the hospital, was he cold to you or scared and didn't know how to react?

He apologized and what did you do? Did you accept it and let him know that later you needed to talk but right now being close and holding each other was important to you? However gently once again, you started up about the past and what you find wrong with him. How would you feel if the positions were reversed? Would you have stayed to hear more about your faults?

I think counseling would be good for both of you-separately as well as together. I think you both are extremely caught up in your own worlds and haven't had the time together to actually build a world together. He comes to the marriage with a mother no one would want but feels bad (and in some cases guilty) of having those thoughts. You seem to have a story-book concept of marriage and a need to find validation for your feelings through him. Marriage and issues in them aren't that cut and dried. Communication is important. So is compromise. Sometimes compromise means to let go of hurt and pain instead of holding on to it.

I wish both of the patience and understanding that it takes to build a marriage. If you love each other and are willing to work together, I think you can get through this. But it isn't going to be easy. Good luck.

Thank you for your answers.

I have read your replies multiple times, and I find them insightful. I'm impelled to clarify my position a bit. I don't want to be an unhappy newlywed. I want to be a happy one. I sharing my story in order to elicit your feedback and even your criticism. If I have made mistakes, I need to know it. But I also don't want to be a pushover and tolerate inappropriate behaviour. The account I have given you is as objective as one's own bias as a narrator can allow. I am not sugar coating, nor do I strive to portray myself as the victim and he the bandit.

Fr. Chuck, I only wish the crux of the problem were the trouble at the wedding reception. Because I am not one to get hung up over a ruined party. But clearly it was a turning point, in which some unadulterated behaviours were finally revealed. My husband has not been the same since.

I have reflected on my impression of marriage, thinking that perhaps it is too idyllic. But, frankly I don't think so. My lifelong model of marriage has been that of my parents. Their marriage has not been perfect by any means. But my parents are two people who live for one another and their children. So I was trained to expect unconditional love, respect, devotion and support. These are essential elements, in my opinion--is this really fairy tale-like? This is what I expected from my husband, and this is likewise what I expect to give--no less. But for the past several months he continues to miss the mark, which begs the questions of whether he is "husband material" as Jake suggests or whether he simply doesn't wish to be married to me.

Let me clarify certain points of my story. Regarding the wedding reception, I don't want to sound hung up over the party. The straw that broke the proverbial camel's back was when my husband's cousins picked him up and threw him into the pool (which was apparently a no-no per the management). I have been to weddings where the bride herself has jumped in, so, no, it was not this rowdiness that upset me. I was somewhat surprised by the management's decision to shut everything down, but out of respect I was not going to offer any resistance. I am not sure why my mother-in-law felt the urge to react the way she did, after all it was 4:00am after a very long day.

Regarding the account of my friends. My one friend, L, came to me with this story because she was concerned that my other friend, T, had witnessed it as well. She told me exactly that were T not present, she wouldn't have said anything. She came to me because she thought it was something that I needed to know. I went and confirmed it with T who substantiated everything that L said. Incidentally, there was a third witness to this exchange--his mother's friend and hotel roommate who agreed with the account. Now, I sat on this for three weeks because my husband and I (who are both physicians) were studying for our board exams. I didn't want to cause a problem between us that could potentially distract us from studying. Once we had taken the exam, the next day I told him the account, again very tenderly. I told him that I was coming from a place of love, and that I don't expect or even want him to discuss it with his mother. I told him how long I had known about it and why I deferred telling him, which he told me he appreciated.

In terms of the episode in urgent care that I mentioned: it's a small example of how a little communication can go a long way. It would have helped give me piece of mind to know that he was all right. When he finally called me, that was the first thing on my mind. I didn't chastise him for leaving me in the dark. I did make a simple comment, however, that I would have appreciated a telephone call. I am his wife, I have anxiety, I am fa away from him and can't personally help him. When he is ill, I am ill. So when something serious appears to transpire, I expect not to be kept in the dark. Cat, you said it yourself, communication is important. Sometimes I feel like prompting him as I would an infant: "Sweetie, use your words". But he's a 32 year-old man. Speaks so many languages but never wants to express himself.

Frankly, I want to consider his side. I think it would inspire even more introspection on my part. If he would only express himself! In constructive ways. I know he knows how to curse. I know he knows how to shout at me, to hang up the phone, but I want to understand the feelings and emotions that cause him to behave this way. If he feels threatened that I am pitting myself against his mother and him in the middle, then please tell me. If it causes him to reexperience his parent's fights, then please tell me. Because I don't want to hurt him, I love him.

Unconditional love, respect, support, devotion and communication. I've added a 5th element. If I seek is so absurd, then perhaps I shouldn't be married. I don't want anything less than this. I am trying to nurture a newborn marriage that had a rough start. I am humbly looking for advice and constructive criticism, freely admitting that I am not perfect and have most probably made some mistakes. I am eager to apologize for anything that I have done to contribute to the strife in the hope of moving on. I am most certainly willing to patiently compromise. But I cannot accept a lifetime of childish and inappropriate behaviour. This no one deserves.

Thank you for reading.