Ask Me Help Desk - I am a jealous husband...

I am 6 years older than my wife and I can be honest to myself in that I feel like I married a beautiful sexy woman out of my league. I get jealous when she goes out with her single girlfriends to bars and shows up at 3-4am drunk. I keep thinking in my head she will find somebody better and realize she doesn't want to be with me anymore. We have an almost 3 yr old daughter together and my insecurity is that she is only still with me because of our child. I love her and I don't want to lose her but I know my jealousy pushes her farther away. It's not a good cycle to be in. I know my feelings all stem from fear and insecurity. I don't like thinking about guys hitting on her or buying her drinks which I know happens. She tells me I should be "ok" because she comes home to me, which I understand. I just have fears that she is so beautiful that if she continues to have so much fun with her single gals and random guys at bars that she will eventually not want me anymore. In my head I tell myself she loves me but these damn negative thoughts consume me. How do I trust that she won't cross a line with a guy, or do something bad and I would never know about it. This drives me crazy and I know if it doesn't get worked on I'll kill my relationship... all advice is welcome and needed. I love my wife dearly and I just wish I didn't feel this way. I create my own nightmare.

First off I should say that a mother of a 3 year old daughter should not be out all night drinking. She should be home with her child. Don't get me wrong, I don't think she should never have time to herself but I just don't think making a habit of that is appropriate. I think you should approach her from that aspect and you should tell her that as a wife and a mother she should be home with you and your child. If I was you I wouldn't allow it. It's obvious she's taking advantage of you because if she's out all the time I would assume you're the one home babysitting. How is that fair? I also think that these nights out should be for both of you. If she wants to go out you should too. It's easy to feel the way you do if you're home alone all the time. So tell her she can go out one night and you go out another night. You need to have friends and time to yourself also. That would give you more confidence and you'll have less time to sit alone and worry about what she's doing. You'll start to have a life of your own, so that she's not the center of your universe. I think that one change would make a world of difference in how you feel. It might change how she acts. When she got you wrapped around her finger knowing you're sitting home alone waiting on her she's not worried about you finding someone else. If you start going out maybe she'll worry like you are and she'll start making some changes. I'm sure she wouldn't want to lose you, it sounds as if you are good to her. Give her a taste of her own medicine, sometimes it's hard for people to understand what you're feeling unless they are experiencing the same thing. If this does not work or makes things worse, maybe you guys should try some couple's counseling, or at least counseling for yourself to help you with your feelings of insecurities. I hope this helps... Good Luck !

I don't want to paint the wrong picture, she goes out like once a month for girls night out. I just go crazy with jealousy though. My negative thoughts are what would it take for her to cross the line or do something to hurt me. I know I can't control the universe, but I endlessly think about what could be going on and me not knowing about it. I do understand I need to go out with friends too, she even tells me that too. I just feel like I am needing endless reassurance from her. I feel like I am digging the hole deeper and always trying to not screw things up. I feel like instead of being 50 50 she has the power edge on me. I know that isn't a healthy structure, but when I am the insecure one how do I get power back in the relationship and how do I trust my wife, when she doesn't do anything wrong. I know I've been hurt by others in my past but she shouldn't be punished for that. But I also don't want to be a doormat and not know if she ever did something... yeah I am a mess lol

I don't think you're a mess. I think you have concerns. I don't know that any relationship is 50/50. Someone has the upper hand here, the other person has the upper hand there. I also don't think it's helpful or constructive to sort of keep tabs on who is winning and who is losing.

You live with her. You have a child together. TALK TO HER. This is one of many problems that arise in a marriage. Tell her how you feel.

And as far as revenge - that never works and is a very bad suggestion.

And remember - your wife married YOU, not some other guy.

Oh, HI JUDY... wow... anyway, I don't think what I'm saying is revenge, what I'm saying is, go do you... you'll feel better and she'll change... guaranteed... hey judy go do you too.

And don't forget. You could be using that alone time to cheat on her left and right. She apparently trusts YOU.

@wondergirl, sorry a little confused... were you telling me to cheat on her or were you being sarcastic and I just need to force myself to trust... really asking the girl opinion?

Sarcastic, she was saying you most likely have time alone and could be cheating if you wanted to, and we assume she trusts you.

But I will stand firm, no one, esp a mother of a small child needs to be out getting drunk, Almost every bad story hear starts with, ( we were just out drinking and>>>)

Quote:

Originally Posted by Christiantx79

@wondergirl, sorry a little confused... were you telling me to cheat on her or were you being sarcastic and I just need to force myself to trust... really asking the girl opinion?

I wasn't doing either. I was pointing out the fact that, on those nights, she leaves you alone to do whatever you want to do. Doesn't that mean she trusts YOU?

Trust is a two-way street.

If she did this night-out thing several times a week, I would have a certain opinion. If she does it monthly or only occasionally, I would have a different opinion.

When I got married, my nights out were ONLY with my husband (babysitter for the child) but that was back when rocks were cooling.

Jealousy, unfounded, leads to a dead end, and a dead marriage. It is something that doesn't stop once it takes on a life of its own. Fears become facts, and actions justify bad behaviour. To be jealous of one incident, or feel jealousy toward someone who seems to have something you don't (younger, smarter, more successful), is different than living a life of jealousy, toward another person, justified or not.

Does your jealousy extend beyond the one night out with her friends? Are you thinking something is going on when you are at work, or out with your friends? Is it a continuous nagging doubt about her, overall? Can you more clearly define your jealousy, and the circumstances.

Do you find yourself arguing with her, or making angry accusations out of thoughts you have, that have no real basis in fact. Do you then over-compensate for your outburst/anger/arguing by justifying your behaviour as being out of love for her? Do you admit to her that your jealousy fuels your anger/arguments?

Has she ever given you reason to have doubt. Has she ever been unfaithful.

Are you looking for 'evidence', by way of checking her cell phone, computer. Have you ever followed her?

Something must be driving you. The flip side of all of this is, you could be right in that she is/has been unfaithful. Many couples have a 'feeling' something is wrong, and are often the last to know. Turning a blind eye can be just as bad.

Other than what you have posted here, can you provide more detail into the relationship itself, and do you have any insight or understanding of what has led to being so jealous. Is this situation getting worse only because of once a month she goes out with her friends?

When you talked about 'power' in the marriage, what did you mean- is it more a loss of contol over your feelings, or is it to do more with being unable to stop her behaviour, in order to stop your jealousy.

More information would be helpful.