I'm 30 and she is 23. We've been together almost a year now and have been living together for 8 months of that. She was on anti-depressants when we got together but came off them a few months ago which was a tough time but we got through it. She had mood swings before but since coming off her meds they have become more regular. Anyway, we had been living in a house share this whole time but the other week we had our biggest argument so far and there was screaming, shouting and a glass was broken (by me). Our house mates decided that was the last straw and that she had to move out. I took her to a hotel that evening to get away from the madness but she's been staying at a friends the rest of this week and I've really missed her.

I was meant to see her on Thursday night but she text me asking if we could leave it as she was exhausted. I called her later that evening and she was in the pub with her workmates. I was really annoyed and she begged me not to be upset. I asked why she couldn't have just been honest with me and she said she was scared and that she wasn't going to be staying long and would text me when she was on her way home and I could go round there. She didn't and I bombarded her with calls (which in hindsight probably wasn't the best thing to do).

I went round there the following night and that's when she said she feels that we've lost that spark and that she wanted to have a break for a couple of weeks. She said that she loves me and that she knows she will never find a better boyfriend than me but if that's the case, surely it would make more sense to stay together and work at it. I understand that we have been in a rut for a little while now and we've become lazy and put on a bit of weight each. She has brought this up before but nothing was ever done about it. She says that if she's on her own she will be more pro-active and maybe the fact we moved in together so quickly played a factor. Anyway, when she told me that she wanted a break and that she was adamant that's what she wanted I started putting my trainers on to leave and she said that she didn't want me to and that she wanted me to stay. I asked what the point was if she had already made up her mind because it would just be difficult for me not to cuddle her but she said that we could.

The following morning the conversation continued the same way and she said she was glad that I stayed and we were both really upset when I left.

I really don't want this break to be permanent but I don't know what to do. A lot of people seem to be saying not to text or call (even though she said we could during it) and then she will start wondering why. Also, I'm seeing her today because she is moving in with my friend (she doesn't really know her that well) which my friends are telling me I shouldn't help her. I don't really see that I have a choice but I'm not sure how to act when I see her. Should I act as though I'm fine and not that bothered? Will that make her come running back to me?

I can't bear the thought of losing her :(

Quick update - She just called me to make arrangements about moving her into my friend's today. She asked what I did yesterday after I left her, I told her I went out with my mate and we hit a club (which is true). Out of politeness, I asked what she got up to and she said she just stayed in bed all day crying because she was so heartbroken. I could then hear in her voice that she was starting to get a bit upset.

Could this be a good thing?

That your house mates insist she move because it was the last straw indicates that there is more to the conflicts between you than mere mood swings. Dude, I don't know where you found her at, but for now you better hope she gets along with YOUR friend long enough to get her act together, and get her own place. I suspect she needs your help to keep a roof over her head, but to be honest, and real frank, I don't think that will be enough to keep you together.

Sure you will try, no matter what's said by anyone, but in the end it's the same thing, the conflicts will get no better, and I doubt you get any closer. The only reason I say to stay close and be helpful, is because its YOUR friend that you have pawned her off on after she couldn't (you either), make a go of it with your room mates.

Doesn't sound that promising after a year of being together. I mean with the way things have been working so far, where does she go after the next conflict.

Maybe she needs her meds, and should stay on them, and my question for now is why did she go off them, and what were they for.

Her problems may be bigger than both of you, and beyond your ability to cope with. You sure haven't so far. And for the record, why doesn't she go back to where she came from? How long are you willing to help and support her?

Hi Talaniman,

To be honest, before we moved into that flat, the female housemates said that they didn't want to live with another girl but I told them that my girlfriend would be coming with me (she had just finished uni and had no job) until she got herself sorted out. There was a falling out between my girlfriend and the girls a few months back (as girls do) but they have always made little snyde comments about how she's not even supposed to be there which made my girlfriend unhappy.

I'm not sure she is using me to provide a roof over her head as I arranged for her to stay with a friend before she told me she wanted a break although I am worried that they might fall out while she's there.

The strange thing about it all though is that yesterday is the first day since "the break" (which started last Friday) where we hadn't spoken. Every other day she has called me. When I moved her into my friend's on Sunday, she asked if I still wanted her to go out on Thursday night (it would be our 1 year anniversary and had already made plans). Not really sure if I should take this as a positive sign or not.

She came off the meds because she wanted to learn to drive and apparently couldn't do that while she was still on them. She admits that maybe she needs to go back on them.

I have gone down the whole no contact route since it happened and when I have spoken to her it's because she has called me.

First that's NOT NC when you respond to her contacts. Second living with people who don't like you can be traumatic. Especially when you are dependent on someone else while you are building your own life. Few choices, and options can be very depressing. She is still dependent on you, as its YOUR friend who has given her a place to stay.

What is she on meds for might I ask? How long had she been on them?

This relationship definitely moved too quickly. She needs some breathing space and she is asking you for it, respect her wishes and grant her the time she is asking for. There is a small percentage that this is not permanent, but if you don't give her the space, this is over for sure. However, don't wait around doing nothing, keep yourself busy, wish for the best but plan for the worse, and act as if this was a break up.

She was put on them about a year and a half ago due to the stress of her exams and she was on them for about a year.

I saw her last night (it was our year anniversary or would have been). Towards the end of the night she started getting quite emotional, saying that she really missed me but despite everything I had arranged last night, she still wanted this break. I did get to the core of the break though, she is upset that whenever there was an argument with the housemates before the big one, that I always tried to be diplomatic about it rather than have a go at them. Apparently her dad never stuck up for her mum and she ended up being unhappy and she doesn't want to go down the same road. I have always been one of those people that has always tried to keep everyone happy but when the big row erupted I let rip into the housemates (the one time my girlfriend wasn't there to see it). Not really sure where to go from here. I've used this time on my own to do my own thing and it has been nice but I still miss her despite it and it has proved to me even more that I want to be with her.

So she was taking anxiety meds?

Dude I have to say at some point you are going to have to leave her alone, just to relieve your own pity, and guilt over her situation, and her to not have you to depend on or manipulate.

Chances are your diplomat personality is not enough to overcome her insecurities, or make her appreciate what you have done so far, or make the person whom has helped you to help her, be nice, or like her, so I see her pattern being repeated, and her asked to leave, and you left holding the bag, wanting to help, and having no options as to how.

Leave her alone to figure this out and do what she has to do for herself. That would be merciful. She could be helped by seeing her doctor again, and keep seeing him regularly and following his program.

She was on citalopram.

Yeah I'm not going to contact her.

If she is staying with YOUR good friend, I have no doubt that THEY will be in contact with YOU.

Unfortunately, leaving her alone will be almost impossible as I see her or your friend drawing you back into the middle of this mess, and you better have a plan B, in case plan A doesn't work.

Diplomacy only goes so far, and will be sorely tested, and ACTIONS will be REQUIRED. Better have your facts together.

How much schooling is left, and why are her parents not more involved? Does she work? Don't be distracted by YOUR own feelings, they will prevent you from taking logical steps, and severely stop you from seeing the true nature of your dilemma.

Its not reassurance or support that's she needs, its guidance and good orderly direction, firmly applied. Her best chance of dealing with this comes from a doctor, NOT a boyfriend, or ex boyfriend.

You are older than her, she is very young, she needs a real friend, she can trust, not one who WANTS something from her. Just a friend, and if you are not able to be that, make some distance and plenty of it.

Hi guys,

About a month ago, I posted about about my girlfriend wanting to go on a break. Well the other week she decided that she was still unsure whether she wanted to stay together as we had lost the spark in our relationship and didn't want to leave me in limbo so broke up with me. I hadn't spoken to her after that because she said she wouldn't know if she would miss me if we were still in contact. Anyway, on Sunday (a week after the break up) she called me up in tears. She was crying so much that I couldn't make out what she was saying other than 'I can't do this'. I asked what the matter was and she said she 'didn't know' and that she was 'homesick'. I could hear from the noise that she was in a pub somewhere. I asked if she wanted me to come and get her and she said yes. I asked where she was but she said she didn't know. She then backtracked and said I couldn't go and get her because we had broken up. She then said that she had to go.

Now I'm just really confused. Could she have been upset because she misses me but then realised she wanted to stick to her guns or is that wishful thinking on my part?

Dude, she doesn't want it.

Hence the term ex.

Stop forcing things.

She said:
'I can't do this'

There you go.

Do you need any other honesty?

But could she not have meant that as in she can't not be with me?

Also, forgot to mention in the original question that when we broke up she said she loves me and misses me so much but she's just not sure if she's in love with me.

Nope.

She tried her best to be honest. But you aren't getting it.
Would you rather have a slap in the face?

If she really wanted you, you would be together, right?

She can say all sorts of things, but her actions stand true.

Stop pressing it.

Quote:

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also, forgot to mention in the original question that when we broke up she said she loves me and misses me so much but she's just not sure if she's in love with me.

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They always say that, so stop falling for it. Cut the contact, all of it, stop offering to be a nice guy with high hopes and a forgiving heart.

The confused half slick female is manipulating your feelings because you let her. Stop answering her calls, let them go to voicemail, or block her.

No contact is what you should go for.

That will end the confusion and allow you to heal and move on.

Don't be anyone's puppet on a string.