Ok so here is my question. I have been married for almost 17 years. My husband and I dated for 3 years before we got married. He went away to college during the first year of our relationship almost 6 hours from where I was.

I was faithful to him the entire time we dated. He, on the other hand, was not. I found out that he cheated on me with this girl a couple of times during the first year into the second year of school.

The only reason I found out was because on our honeymoon we stopped through the college he went to and met some of his friends for some drinks. That is when one of his roommates thought I knew and said how happy he was that we made it through it. I had no idea this happened.

In my gut I knew there might have been something going on at the time because he was very different. I was so hurt and angry because he never gave me the opportunity to make my decision before our marriage. At that point I asked him if he cheated with anyone else, and he promised me that it was only with this one girl.

So I forgave him.

It took sometime for me to get through this, but we did it. We are a very close couple with four beautiful children. He really is a wonderful man. That being said, this is why I am so conflicted at this time.

I was recently, (accidentally), checking his phone when he got a text and found pictures of porn on it. I asked him about it, and he said he was just looking at it this one time. I said OK and left it alone. So being curious, a couple of weeks later checked his phone again, and low and behold - porn again.

So I confronted him again and he began to tell me he had been looking at porn since he was a teenager. I was shocked and hurt and had no idea what to think of it. So I began digging at him a little more and started asking more questions about his college days and that I am not putting up with his secrets and lies anymore.

I told him that he is to tell me everything or I will leave him. So he proceeded to tell me that he cheated on me the entire first year of college, and he was afraid to tell me for fear I would leave him. I am so numb with all of this information I do not know how to sort through it.

I thought we always had great communication and love for each other. I am questioning every aspect of our relationship. The hardest part is he really is a great man and he said he will do anything to save our marriage.

I do not know what to do.

Please help!

I have two thoughts. You aren't going to like the first one - you were snooping. I'm an investigator and do matrimonial investigations. The vast majority of times I am hired someone "accidentally" checked a cell phone or computer and found something shocking. I have never understood how anyone "accidentally" finds anything on someone else's phone.

But - at this point I'd be more concerned about his conduct during the 17 years of your marriage than I would be by his cheating 17 (give or take) years ago. He has told you the truth (or so he says). Now it's out in the open. It certainly took him a long time to "confess," but he has done that.

Now - how to deal with the cheating (which I think is immaterial) and the porn. I see no problem with porn UNLESS it takes the place of sex in a relationship. If he watches porn instead of being intimate with you, I'd be concerned. For that matter if he spends a great deal of time watching porn, I'd be upset.

Again - I'd look at the past 17 years and sit down with him, tell him you're conflicted, tell him why - and see what he has to say. You live with him, have lived with him, presumably have weathered other storms and problems together.

Talk to him about this.

I am so sorry for your grief. I know how that feels I was married to a man for 16 years who I know in my heart loved me but stepped out a few times during our marriage, although he did come clean each time that I know of and I held resentment for a long time although I thought I had forgiven him. Needless to say I eventually left him and he divorced me and married another woman. They say hind sight is 20/20 and I must say that it is not likely you could find a better partner if this is your only major problem. It is a blow to a woman's ego when they find there mate attracted to porn but also you must realize that if he said he no longer like porn it would be for you only and some men can deny themselves for their wives and perhaps God. But remember your children and try to come to some kind of agreement or compromise of what is acceptable. It won't help either one of you to be "all right" and unless you truly want to spend your life with a bunch of ex's and not to mention break your children's heart. Best to cling to one another and communicate cause it only gets worse out here, and I am speaking from YEARS of experience!

Thank you for your replies. I really do appreciate your responses. This really is a difficult time for me and I am simply just trying to get my feet back on the floor. He insists that this only happened before we got married and I want so much to believe him. I love him with all my heart and I really believe he feels the same way. My issue is who were these women and what attracted him to them in the first place. So many questions and I just want all the truth so I can get on with my healing process. Again thanks for your thoughtful replies!

I have mixed feelings about this. The affairs are bad enough, but, you have also learned that he is a good liar, and over long periods. To cheat multiple times for a year (at least) before you married him, and reduce that to convincing you of ONE 'slip of judgment', are two different sides of the same coin.

Not only did you think he was faithful, you thought that when you found out- not by him- that working through that was all there was. Only to find out that there were many women. I think multiplying that grief several times, would have me reeling too. This is not the man you thought you married, for many reasons, including the actual cheating.

He is also a coward. He had the opportunity for 17 years to tell the truth, and he continued to lie, and hide the fact that he was very sexually active, with multiple women.

And I agree with you, had YOU had the opportunity during the time he was being unfaithful, and lying and cheating- you may have decided not to marry a man with such a character, or, to at least postpone the wedding.

You needing to process this huge problem that he has created, molded, manipulated, and hidden for 17 years, will take more than 'just getting over it'. I'm not sure I could.

At the very least, counselling will help get beyond the hurt, and get to the real issues of all these affairs that he had. HE needs to work through what he is responsible for doing to you, and your marriage, and he has to start somewhere.

Counselling to me, is a must.

Marriage would be good if you can find a good counselor, but keep in mind that we ALL are human with our own set of faults, although to be a good marriage partner one should have good moral values and that unfortunately is lacking in our society lest there wouldn't be so many divorces! I suppose I will sound like a preacher here but having a good Christian based marriage and home I do believe help hold the keys to a happy and fulfilling marriage! Jesus says it all when he says do unto others as you would have them do unto you! Even if only one mate seeks Gods guidance it can make a huge impact on that persons life as we can never control another person only ourselves.

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Originally Posted by bleiden

Marriage would be good if you can find a good counselor, but keep in mind that we ALL are human with our own set of faults, although to be a good marriage partner one should have good moral values and that unfortunately is lacking in our society lest there wouldn't be so many divorces! I suppose I will sound like a preacher here but having a good Christian based marriage and home I do believe help hold the keys to a happy and fulfilling marriage! Jesus says it all when he says do unto others as you would have them do unto you! Even if only one mate seeks Gods guidance it can make a huge impact on that persons life as we can never control another person only ourselves.

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PLEASE keep in mind that not everyone who posts here is Christian and/or has your level of faith and trust. Your idea of helpful could very well be insulting to someone else.

And you are right - you sound like a preacher. What is your advice to this person asking the question?

I would look and see about what has happened these last 17 years. The first year was not marriage, it was long distance and perhaps not even agreed to not see other people ? Or fully understood. Assuming he has not cheated for 17 years, I am sorry this is long ago history and is not him for 17 years.

I see for some reason you have porn issue ? Men, most men look at some level of porn, you are gong to make him hide it and lie more if you are demanding that he does not do it. Allowing him to do what he wants in regard to photos, or video or even watching together as part of foreplay buildup. It is not realistic to demand he not look at it, esp if he has all these years.

I think you need to leave the past in the past.