I have been with my fiancé for 10 years, engaged for the last year. In the past two years, he has stopped smoking, that is a really great thing. Problem for me is, he has been gaining lots of weight since quitting smoking.

He has always been very critical of woman who are overweight, even divorced his first wife because of her obesity. He is 6'2" and he has a huge belly now. He buys tv dinners, frozen foods, and he does drink a lot beer, not to become drunk but he drinks with his buddies almost every day.

I am very fit, 5'9", work out, and have a lot of energy.

We live far apart, so I can't be there to make him food that is healthier, although I do make food and leave it in the freezer for him. He eats drive through for lunches, and restaurant for dinners when not home.

I am having a lot of difficulty with sex. I am feeling like he does not care how awkward it has become, and he is not turning me on like he used to. I just want it over so I can get him off me and breathe.

Everything else about him I love, I love him, his personality, he is very loving. I know it sounds shallow, I know it's better or worse, but when you know it's unhealthy, affecting your lovemaking, it does affect your relationship.

I did not sign up for this, we have always talked about this type of thing, and he has made no bones about not wanting to be with a woman who is overweight. I have mentioned things like, maybe you need to buy healthier foods, don't eat out so much it's expensive... on it goes, all the nice things without hurting his feelings.

Now when we have sex, he actually gets out of breath, and I have to tell him he is crushing my chest... it's awful.

HELP.

He is a loser if he really left his ex just because she gained weight. That is not why we love someone and not why we should be attracted to someone.

If he is the same person, personality and same treatment of you, his weight should not be an issue to how you feel about him. If "looks" are enough to make you leave him ( or him you) either or both are too shallow and need to look into life as to what is really important.

Next if you are only doing one position , sounds like it, there are more issues to in the bedroom.

You clearly did not read my post entirely. I am having physical difficulty with his 40lb weight gain, I weigh 117lbs he weighs 238lbs, he crushes me, it's not about if I love him for his looks, it's about weight and how it affects our relationship, but how would you know about that anyway, you seem to be a priest who is EXTREMELY OPINIONATED... I'm catholic by the way.

I would really like to hear back from someone who is in a relationship, and actually has insight about this issue themselves. If you are only going to tell me I'm shallow or preach don't waste your time. I believe sex is a huge part of a relationship "for me" anyway it is. I disclose that from the onset, and I won't apologize for that either... I am really seeking advice how to bring up to him that his weight is a problem and how to go about talking about it with him.

Sunny, first to clear up a misunderstanding, Chuck is not a Catholic priest. He is a married man.

One thing that Chuck mentioned that doesn't seem to have addressed: Do you try different positions?

Have you actually sat down with him and told him that his weight is affecting your sex life? I don't mean giving him hints or nudges which don't seem to be working. If he can be blunt about women and weight and how it affects him, can you be equally forthcoming with him? It might hurt his feelings in the short term but you can soften the blow by being honest with him. Through discussion, you might find compromises in positions that will work better for both of you.

Does he have any health problems besides weight gain?

How old is he? Like females, with age comes a harder time losing the weight. If he does get the message and starts trying to do better, be patient and encouraging.

Be open and honest with him. If you are planning to marry him, you should be able to talk to him about this.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by SunnyPlaces

I would really like to hear back from someone who is in a relationship, and actually has insight about this issue themselves. If you are only going to tell me I'm shallow or preach don't waste your time. I believe sex is a huge part of a relationship "for me" anyway it is. I disclose that from the onset, and I won't apologize for that either....I am really seeking advice how to bring up to him that his weight is a problem and how to go about talking about it with him.

---

First, when you post on a public board you get the answers people feel like giving you. You owe FrChuck an apology.

Okay - I've been there. I'm 5'4", about 110 pounds, small boned. My late husband was 6'2" and about 325 pounds when he died. He gained at least 60 pounds during our marriage. He was well aware that his weight on me would crush me - that's why elbows and knees were invented when a large man chooses to be on top.

And, yes, sex was a huge part of our relationship, whether he weighed 225 or 325.

How to bring up his weight? You live with him, you share a life - with plans to continuing sharing a life, you presumably talk about other things. I don't know why this would be a forbidden or sensitive topic. My husband was not surprised when I told him that he had gained weight. He already recognized the fact. Did I nag? No. Did I dwell on it? No. It was what it was.

We discussed the weight "problem" only because it affected his health. We discussed it in the same manner as "if the dogs don't stop barking I'm going to shoot myself." It was simply another topic married people discuss.

I knew he had a problem controlling his weight. I knew the reasons he had a problem controlling his weight, some physical, some emotional. I loved the entire package - weight and all!

Do I think your boyfriend is shallow? Yes, if he left/divorced a woman because she gained weight.

I would talk to him, tell him how you feel and be honest about it. Approach it from a health standpoint. Approach it from the standpoint of sex. If it's bothersome enough to you to post it on a public board, you need to talk to him - and you need to do it soon.

Has he gained weight to avoid intimacy for some other reason?

On a strictly practical level if weight gain is not one of the things you signed up for I'd reconsider my choice - things change, people change, circumstances change. If you can't ride out the ups and downs with him for whatever reason then it's time to leave.

And my personal story - I was there through 3 heart attacks, numerous surgeries, numerous hospitalizations, several times I was told he couldn't live through the night, dialysis and all that goes with it, diabetic shock too many times to count, insulin shots, 8 prescriptions 3 times a day at one point, neuropathy (no feeling from his thighs down), foot amputations, rapidly approaching blindness, neuropathy in his hands, occasional inability to swallow, days at the hospital with friends and relatives bringing me a change of clothes - you name it, it happened.

And I was there every step of the way. I didn't sign up for any of it. I DID sign up to be with him for better/worse, in sickness/health. And I was. If you aren't committed for better/worse, sickness/health, get out now. I saw people leave. The "leaving" part is very common when a person goes on dialysis.

I deserve absolutely no credit and that's not why I'm posting this. He would have been there for me, no question. Life isn't always fair and you can't always predict what will happen next.

I'm posting this because you need a high level of commitment or it's not going to work. And, BTW, I was also raised Catholic (although I haven't been a practicing Catholic in years), if it makes a difference. And he - he was raised an Orthodox Jew. Has "the Church" changed its position on pre-marital sex?

About the only thing I can say is try different positions. You on top, spooning, doggy style, sizzors. etc.
I had a lover who was 450lbs. I was overweight as well but only 240. The huge difference in size between us was a very large problem (sorry for all the puns! Inadvertent I promise)

Different positions helped a great deal. And trying other things other than just sex. Bring ice cubes in. syrup, whip cream, fruit, etc. try some games :) anything to make it more fun!

Listen when i stopped smoking it was the most hardest thing to do and i became depressed felt like i lost my best friend now he has taken food and substituted food for smokes. After you quit smoking your taste buds will recover and will your sense of smell. He will notice his that food tastes better. The average weight gain is normally 5 to 10 pounds the most common reasons some people tend to eat more is they miss the feeling of having something in their mouth and they are craving something to substitute for a cigarette.tell him to carry sugarless gum or mints suck on hard candy chew on a straw . Healthy snacks he needs to carry these around with him like raw veggies fresh fruit frozen grapes is another one. Another thing is now eating at fast food restaurants and heavy drinking will increase his cholesterol and heart disease . Give him a reality check .

I will follow it up, I am a larger man, and most likely twice the size of my wife. ( even being a foot taller makes some positions harder) But there are dozens of great positions, and I hope that one is not the only thing you guys do. ( how boring can that be)

But even on top, he supports his weight, he is not suppose to be resting on top of you, he holds his self up with his hands, elbows and so on. But then you on top, from behind, on your side, great time for some pillows to change your angles and so on.