How to cope with a rotten situation?
Moved to its own thread and edited.
I'm convinced that my boyfriend no longer want to be with me, for his sake, because I lied so much about the same situation initially because I was ashamed of my past. He would randomly quiz me about my past on different things, and I'm not a good liar. I felt trapped that I lied already, and had to continue because then he'd see me as a liar and not trust me, so I made up things and told half truths to get him off my back.
Things only became worse over time, because he was hurt and depressed, really depressed, he couldn't sleep at night, lost weight/appetite, and when he finally demanded the truth out of me, I became so annoyed that I'd shut him out, say things that I thought I could like, it's my story to tell if I wanted, my body, he doesn't own it. But that only made things worse because he'd get so quiet with hurt I'd feel awful and later apologize for it. But still reluctant to tell him the whole truth. He became very aggressive with me over the years, he would say things a misogynist might say and began to tell me that I wasn't worth anything until one day he hit me. He says he did it because that's the only way he think he can control me. He say he tried everything, cried, begged, gave in, but he could not forgive that I lied to him when he would sacrifice everything for me. When he wanted me completely and that I was the only one he ever wanted. He says I tricked him into believing I was something I wasn't, and that I ruined his life, that I'm not worth it, and he's at the point where he can't even wish me well in life.
I admit that I hurt him a lot. I wish I chose to be honest, despite my fears of rejection. But because I knew he held me in such high regard, I wanted to keep that image, because I could see his devotion to me over, Glowing in the way he looked at me. Now his eyes burn into me. I see in them his love and hurt and resentment coming through all at the same time. I really wish I could turn back time and fix things. I don't think I even know how, guess I never did. I made promises to him that I'd fix it but I don't see that there's anything I could do to fix him at this point. He's hurt, and cannot forgive himself to giving into me. He's so careful around me, I have to beg for his affection, sometimes and other times he overflows with it, but I know he find himself weak when he does so.
I would love to see him happy, and be the person I always knew and admired but he made it clear that women like me make men the way the are sometimes. Those words hurt me to the core because God knows how much I want him to be happy. I tried several times to leave him alone to let him heal and move on with his life, but I cannot tear myself away from him. He is the love of my life, and I was the love of his until the day he discovered I lied. I think as a woman there's no going forward once a man sees you this way. I wish him all the happiness in the world, but at the same time I wish I could be th one to give him that joy in life. He is not my first sexual partner, though I am his, but god knows what I would do to make him happy because he really is the love of my life.
People have expressed interest in me, but despite their greatness, I can only see him. I know who I want, but honestly I think it's too late, I dug my own grave. If he takes me back as he always ends up doing, we fall out every time, eventually, and are constantly in limbo. I don't want him to feel that distress because of me, since I've already caused him so much pain but at the same time, I want to be respected, and held in high regard. Because I have already ruined my chances of having him see me this way, think it wise for me to just leave him alone, as he said I should do, if I don't change. I guess he'll always see a need for me to change, but I can't change my past, I can only regret it. But I love him still. I just think that the severe depression and emptiness I feel without him in my life is poisonous to my health.
Even as I say this I'm thinking that his response would be that it's my fault and that I'm being selfish thinking about my hurt feelings again, instead of thinking about the feelings I've hurt, while he has a point, no one in pain needs anyone to tell them whose fault it is. Silence is best.
I'm saying these things to 1. Get it off my chest and 2. Ask for an honest opinion on this matter because I'm at a crossroad in my life where I really cannot see any future. I'm very career oriented but that means nothing to me without a life partner to share the fruits of my labor with, and build a real life with.
