Ask Me Help Desk - I have no-one left, is it my fault

Im at the end of my tether, I just don't know what to do. I told my husband to leave because he wasn't supporting me, my teenage son is making a fool of me, my (I always thought) best friend has turned against me. I hate myself and my life, all because I wanted my family to be happy. My husband is begging to come home said he's changed and learnt his lesson, my son is not his, but brought up by him from the age of 2. Hes never really been a dad to him, and my son grew up knowing that and that's why he turned into a handful blaming me for not supporting him. I realised eventually what he was going through, opened my eyes and saw how my husband was affecting my son and that's what made me ask him to leave. Now my son is taking advantage of me, my best friend says she pitys me, and the only person I have left is my daughter, which if it wasn't for her cuddles I would have left myself and left them all to it. I need help, I'm cracking up, my doctor said its all in my head, I can't eat, weigh 6 and 1/2 stone, constantly tired, and always feel ill. I have no help anywhere. Please can someone talk to me.:(

I have a feeling you aren't laying it all out here, what did your husband do for him to be gone?

You are a woman, who seems to realize that something is wrong in her life. You coming here to post your current issue tells me that you are ready to take a stand and do something about it. You have every right to feel how you feel, but it is only YOU who will be able to take charge of what is going on in your life right now. Be strong, make a plan and take it one step at a time. Start with your health, you'll need that strength first and then go from there. Be strong enough to support yourself, and don't give up:).

justmyluck,

I understand what you are saying I really do. This may sound quite harsh and not what you want to hear, but you have become a doormat because of the guilt you feel about your son. May I ask what age he is?

Everyone has their problems and we can't take the blame or feel responsible for other people's problems without becoming very ill.

Sounds like it's time for a re-think. You need to take back control of your life. Stop moaning and complaining, because you are pushing everyone one away. Forget about them for the time being and work on yourself.

You can start by changing your usser name to something other than 'justmyluck'. Change it to something more positive. And start thinking more positive. Practise replacing any negative thought with a positive one.

If you were able to ask your husband to leave, I take it the marriage is over? You need to be more firm with your son or you are going to be waiting on him hand and foot while he sits on his butt and lets you do all the running.

You need to toughen up, organise your home, deal with your son, show more gratitude to your daughter for her support before you lose her too, AND eat properly or you won't be around to enjoy your grandchildren!

Feel free to PM me.

Thanks for your kind words, but I feel I'm too weak to take charge any more. My husband loved and still loves me so very much, I know that, but I felt more like his mother. He never argued with me, left me to all decisions and running of everything. He never got on with my son after the 4th year together because as my son began to play up as kids do, my husband backed away more. Eventually my son was diagnosed with adhd, I dealt with all that myself and school problems too, and when he stole our new car and crashed it, I realised that each time I needed help, my husband would say there was nothing he could do, and as far as he was concerned he had washed his hands of him. I slowly had been falling out of love with him without realising, and suddenly I had a rage and told him to leave. That was September, and he wants to come back, and is even having a great relationship with my son. ( we also have a daughter together) I don't know what to do next. Now my son is pushing, wants this, wants that, then when he doesn't get it mentally abuses me and just wants me to run around after him to get his life back on track. He left school to be educated otherwise, he said it would help with his problems, but after all the work I put in finding out about it and putting more problems on to me, he stays in bed all day. Im sorry, I sound like such a moaner, but I have no-one to turn to and I lose my temper so easy, and cry all the time. Im crying again now, I just can't pull myself together.

justmyluck,

You only feel weak because you have not been taking care of yourself. When people talk about pampering themselves, they are afraid others will think they are being selfish and neglecting their family. It isn't selfish to take care of yourself, it's selfish to think you can take care of anyone else unless you can take care of yourself.

Your husband still loves you. Do you still love him? Your son will be off on his own in a few years. Do you see yourself and your husband making a go of things? If you do decide to go down that road, make sure he knows and agrees that things have to change. It has to be more of a partnership.

When you say your husband never argued with you and just left you to do everything, again I say that was because you let him. You, without realising it, fell into a role and he just let you get on with it. It will be up to you to speak up if you no longer like that role. You felt like his mother because you let him treat you like that. Just as your son is going to end up treating his wife unless you put him straight.

Your husband may begin to get on better with your son as he gets older and your husband's responsibility for him gets less. This usually happens with guys. Men try to do the dad thing, lay down the law, mostly because they think it's their job. Some men hate that job, and only begin to get along with the kids as they get older. Especially with the boys. They don't usually like bossing their daughters around either but they think it's okay to leave that one to the mum. The result is, they usually get on better with their daughters when they are young.

We in the UK are not too keen on labelling and medicating kids - so I can't really comment there. Except to say, please don't let him play on this disorder type label and have you running around after him "because he's ill."

I'm no expert by any means but in some cases it seems to come down to diet and excess energy. Give him chores to burn up the energy, and get him to cut down on fizzy drinks and sugar. I don't mean to take this disorder lightly but too many naturally high active kids are being misdiagnosed and stuck on unnecessary meds. Read about it on the net. Most doctors shy from giving under 18's meds because the frontal lob is still developing up until they are 20.

You talk about losing your temper and crying easily. What about a visit to the doctor? That could be your first step in getting things sorted. Tell the doctor exactly how you feel and what has been going on in your life - because those are some big changes. You might even ask to be referred to a councillor, someone to talk to.

Don't worry about 'moaning' on here this is a help page after all. You just get it all out, you'll feel better for it.

If you don't mind hearing what other people have got to say about YOUR situation, PM me with some more information and I'll look forward to prattling on some more. Lol -

Take care. Stay strong and stay above the battles.

PS. Good luck with giving up on the smoking.

justmyluck,

Maybe this will put a smile on your face. Lol

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http://i12.tinypic.com/2hgwkr8.gif

Just, please call your doctor. This is serious. After a complete physical, let your doctor know how close to a melt down you are. You need someone on your side and you need them now. Your doctor can put you in touch with someone. After you get some genuine, face-to-face support, it will be easier to sort through the rest and tackle it one thing at a time. Make the call. Helps starts with a phone call.

You sound exactly like my mother. This is a scenario that I am extremely connected with, so when I tell you how I view this situation... please take that into consideration.

First, let me give you some insight as to how I grew up...
*single parent household, but still contact with father. My mother married two other husbands after my father. Even though I had a great deal of men in my life and for the past ten years, I've had a great step-father, I still feel a male void. Know why? Because no one ever stepped up. I feel consideration. My mother always felt guilty for being my only parent, not "being there" and marring someone else, that she couldn't even support someone who could have and wanted to step into the parental role. I guess what I'm saying is that without my mothers' support and approval, my step dad had no leg to stand on. Now I'm left without a father figure. I view him as a sibling, and have no respect for his authority.
* As much as I hate to say this, I have no respect for my mother either, because she lacks control in her life. I am a very strong women with strong opinions, but I still wish I felt like I had a mother (to look up to). If anything I have been able to look at all my mother consideration and not make them. There hasn't been a time I can remember where I thought my mother could help me better then myself. Even when I'm upset, it's hard to tell her, because her mental stability isn't under control, so I don't want her to worry. It may seem easier to let your son have what he thinks he wants because it's easier for you, but what he really wants in a stable life and security from you. Someone who he can confide in and knows that no matter what you won't fall apart. He also wants YOU to be the boss, he's just testing his limits. I can honestly remember this stage, and Every time thinking "com on' I DARE you to win". Above all your son looks up to you to provide EVERY thing he needs. In my opinion, my mother married these men, because she felt she couldn't do it alone. I don't blame her, it's hard. However, it only works if you let them in as a companion and helping hand with the parenting. Don't you think your husband probably just needs to hear what is OK and not okay when dealing with your son? Instead of "working as a team" she choses to push and point fingers towards them and their flaws. It is my believe that first you must fix yourself.
By not stepping up you are letting your son down, and more than you can ever imagine. Do not push away the people in your life who care. It's easy to do when deep down you may feel you're doing what's "best" for them. You need him more than ever now (maybe that's not easy for you to say). Tell him, that right now the BOTH of you have an obligation as parents ( I say that he is a parent, because your son was part of the deal when he married you). He needs to take just as much control, and the two of you need to get together work some things out, and at least devise a plan for the NOW to get you out of this rut.
Right now, I bet my mother feels much like you. She is on her way to running off her third husband because he doesn't "help enough", and she feels like she's "mothering" him. Bottom line is that you're letting him get away with it. Her excuse is that she feels like she can't do anything, because he makes all the money. BULL ! It is the TWO of you that need to shut yourselves in a room and not surface until there is a plan you both agree on. Everything from the dishes to how much sex the two of you need! Do NOT give up on yourself! You may not think I know what I'm talking about, but I am telling you that I have lived with my mothers suffering for 24 yrs. As the child I will tell you that it is terribly hard for me to confront this issue to her and show her what she's done to me, because I KNOW how terrible she feels. It scares me, that if I'M not supportive, then she will do something drastic.

I'm not quite sure if this will help you at all, and I hope you don't take any of it harshly. Just know that you are not alone in this world and that most importantly you have someone counting on you.

Forgive me, JustMyLuck, but are you blowing smoke here?
That's a very contradictory post you made here: https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...-do-61321.html
This part in particular doesn't even sound like the same woman as the OP here:

Quote:

Originally Posted by justmyluck

I asked my ex to stay away while i sorted out my head, at first he constantly bugged me with calls and visiting. This made me hate the sight of him for a while, so I became angry with him and told him to stay away for good. I didnt really mean it badly, but I really did need time to sort my head out. He stayed away for a while, and when I was ready I went to him. Lukily he still loved me just as much, and understood.

Sumting not right here, me thinkee. LOL Or that is some rapid recovery on your part, lady.

Quote:

Originally Posted by valinors_sorrow

Just, please call your doctor. This is serious. After a complete physical, let your doctor know how close to a melt down you are. You need someone on your side and you need them now. Your doctor can put you in touch with someone. After you get some genuine, face-to-face support, it will be easier to sort through the rest and tackle it one thing at a time. Make the call. Helps starts with a phone call.

Problem is, I did go and see my doctor when I first realised I was struggling about a year ago. Since then I have been back 3 times, and on the 3rd when I broke down because I couldn't hold it in any longer, he just told me that it was probably just in my head. I haven't been back since.
Thank you for your kind answer

I don't think I would be too happy with a doctor who told me it was just in my head. I think I would want a second opinion. Lol

Go back and refuse to be palmed off - but do it nicely.

I hesitate to say this but sometimes we feel a lot worse than we can get across in words. And sometimes we simply force ourselves to embellish even exaggerate a little just to get our message across.

I think we even do that here sometimes. With some people we just don't always get it across to them how serious we think their situation sounds - like in the case of an abused wife. She is so often too busy making excuses for her husband's behaviour that she can't make out the warning messages.

Quote:

Originally Posted by mellyn11

You sound exactly like my mother. This is a scenario that I am extremely connected with, so when I tell you how I view this situation...please take that into consideration.

First, let me give you some insight as to how I grew up...
*single parent household, but still contact with father. My mother married two other husbands after my father. Even though I had a great deal of men in my life and for the past ten years, I've had a great step-father, I still feel a male void. Know why? Because no one ever stepped up. I feel consideration. My mother always felt guilty for being my only parent, not "being there" and marring someone else, that she couldn't even support someone who could have and wanted to step into the parental role. I guess what I'm saying is that without my mothers' support and approval, my step dad had no leg to stand on. Now I'm left without a father figure. I view him as a sibling, and have no respect for his authority.
* As much as I hate to say this, I have no respect for my mother either, because she lacks control in her life. I am a very strong women with strong opinions, but I still wish I felt like I had a mother (to look up to). If anything I have been able to look at all my mother consideration and not make them. There hasn't been a time I can remember where I thought my mother could help me better then myself. Even when I'm upset, it's hard to tell her, because her mental stability isn't under control, so I don't want her to worry. It may seem easier to let your son have what he thinks he wants because it's easier for you, but what he really wants in a stable life and security from you. Someone who he can confide in and knows that no matter what you wont fall apart. He also wants YOU to be the boss, he's just testing his limits. I can honestly remember this stage, and EVERYTIME thinking "com on' I DARE you to win". Above all your son looks up to you to provide EVERY thing he needs. In my opinion, my mother married these men, because she felt she couldn't do it alone. I don't blame her, it's hard. However, it only works if you let them in as a companion and helping hand with the parenting. Don't you think your husband probably just needs to hear what is ok and not okay when dealing with your son? Instead of "working as a team" she choses to push and point fingers towards them and their flaws. It is my believe that first you must fix yourself.
By not stepping up you are letting your son down, and more than you can ever imagine. Do not push away the people in your life who care. It's easy to do when deep down you may feel you're doing what's "best" for them. You need him more than ever now (maybe that's not easy for you to say). Tell him, that right now the BOTH of you have an obligation as parents ( I say that he is a parent, because your son was part of the deal when he married you). He needs to take just as much control, and the two of you need to get together work some things out, and at least devise a plan for the NOW to get you out of this rut.
Right now, I bet my mother feels much like you. She is on her way to running off her third husband because he doesn't "help enough", and she feels like she's "mothering" him. Bottom line is that you're letting him get away with it. Her excuse is that she feels like she can't do anything, because he makes all the money. BULL ! It is the TWO of you that need to shut yourselves in a room and not surface until there is a plan you both agree on. Everything from the dishes to how much sex the two of you need! Do NOT give up on yourself! You may not think I know what I'm talking about, but I am telling you that I have lived with my mothers suffering for 24 yrs. As the child I will tell you that it is terribly hard for me to confront this issue to her and show her what she's done to me, because I KNOW how terrible she feels. It scares me, that if I'M not supportive, then she will do something drastic.

I'm not quite sure if this will help you at all, and I hope you don't take any of it harshly. Just know that you are not alone in this world and that most importantly you have someone counting on you.

Thank you for taking the time to speak to me, I understand myself what having a step parent is like, my mother died when I was 10 and my father re-married when I was 13 to someone only 5 years older than me!! We never got on, my father never had time for us, and by the time their relationship ended (she had an affair) he was so used to not being there for us and letting us get on with things ourselves that he never bothered.
My son has no contact with his natural dad, he was an alcoholic that beat me and it took a lot of courage for me to leave him. I hear of him now, he is still the same if not a lot worse. I hate the thought of my son ever turning out that way, it scares me. I always told my husband to punish my son if need be, I always told him I trusted his judgement, but he was always such a quiet person himself that he always turned a blind eye on everything my son did. I don't feel the same way about my husband as I used to now, he mainly sat and watched as I took on all the problems my son threw at us, even down to stupid things like picking my son up because he had missed the last bus at 11pm on a very cold winter night, I was in the bath when he called home, so my husband passed on the message to me and went back to the t.v. I had to dress quickly and drive 15 minutes away to get him.
Maybe this is why I let my son get away with so much, to give me an easier time, because I know if I don't do something, no-one will,and he takes up most of my time as it is.
As for sorting out a plan between us, I feel so angry at my husband that I don't feel we could come to an agreement, he says he has changed and knows where he went wrong, wishes he could turn back time etc, but all the times I had suffered and cried in my room, not once did he just hug me, just left me to it, and that affected me a lot.
Thank you thank you thank you.

Quote:

Originally Posted by bluerose

I don’t think I would be too happy with a doctor who told me it was just in my head. I think I would want a second opinion. Lol

Go back and refuse to be palmed off - but do it nicely.

I hesitate to say this but sometimes we feel a lot worse than we can get across in words. And sometimes we simply force ourselves to embellish even exaggerate a little just to get our message across.

I think we even do that here sometimes. With some people we just don’t always get it across to them how serious we think their situation sounds - like in the case of an abused wife. She is so often too busy making excuses for her husband’s behaviour that she can’t make out the warning messages.

That's what I did when I went to him the 3rd time, I told him I really needed help, but all he did was prescribe me energy drinks to get me to put some weight on. We are in such a small community here, I would feel embarrassed to ask another doctor.

Believe me, what you say about trying to put in to words how we feel is so true. Its very hard explaining how you feel without sounding stupid too. Maybe it is all my fault after all, maybe I should just give up.

I think you are addicted to drama, and enjoy the depression, subconciously. You say everyone is gone, but give no examples of why you push them away. I'm not convinced you are a victim.

Regardless of circumstance, you have freedom now. You don't have to live according to them anymore. Take a vacation, fnd a new hobbie, or just sit there and feel sorry for yourself.

I suggest going back to the doctor. I think the fact that you left, when he gave you unpleasant news, says a lot about the issue at hand. It makes me think it is you, and that when someone brings that to your attention, you treat it as though it was never said. It is a possibility that the doctor is right, but then again, I'm sure that 4 years of undergraduate education, 4 years of med school, and the 4 years of residency don't have any bearing on his diagnosis.

Go back to the doctor and if you don't like it, ask him if you can get a second opinion.