My ex husband was both abusive and controlling, he never said a kind word to me the whole time was was together and used our child to keep me with him. First taking me to court to get custody and then used that custody to keep me. Telling me that I had no rights to my child unless I stayed and that I could never leave him if I wanted to see my child again. This went on for years, he kept me from seeing friends and family claiming thaqt it was for my own good and kept my child out of daycare and school because he didn't want anyone he didn't know near them. My life became unliveable and evertime I tried to get help in excaping him and the hell he made us live in I could get no one to even look into things. He was having a affair, which I suspected for a long time. When I finely started to break down mentally because of the abuse he tried to get me committed so that he could be ride of me. However that didn't work so he got my child who was then 3 years at the time to say that I hit them so that they could force me to leave. However I didn't know about it until later. Not until after my ex tried to get me come back to him by using my child once again to control me. When I refused because I did not want to be a victom anymore he broke all contact with me and then filed for divorce. Something I again did not find out about until it was over and done with and he was remarried to the woman he had been having a affair with. He also told the judge that I was hitting my child so that he could get complete custody and to keep me from my child permently because he know I would expose the lies. His new wife is involved with the police and has told me that no one will ever take my calls there because I'm crazy and that if I love my child I should just let him live a happy life built of the lies his father made up.
I do not know what to do I have been fight to get my child for 5 years, no one has ever even looked into what rights I have as the child's mother. They have also never even looked into the fact that I am native indian. All anyone has said is that I have no rights even thought they were never taken away and I have done nothing wrong but try to excape a abusive marriage. I really need help, someone please tell me what I can do because I am at the end of my ropes and about to lose it.

If you are a Native American your child is Native American. What Court heard this and issued the Order giving your ex-husband custody? There is law on jurisdiction in many States.

It is highly unusual for custody to be granted only on the word of a 3 year old and a soon-to-be ex-husband.

You need to get a new Attorney and file for custody OR at least look into jurisdiction. What the new wife does/says matters little.

The court never heard that I was indian, when my ex took me to court everything was done through defailt. He had claimed that he didn't know where I was or how to get ahold of me. Which of course was a lie because I had called him many times before then and we had spoken by both phone and email. However he didn't mention anything to me. And when I pressed him to let me see and talk to my child he became angery and then refussed to take anymore of my calls. I didn't find out about the divorce until it was over and done with and I had gotten a letter from the new wife in the mail. I was on vacation at the time and the only people that knew where I was was my ex and his mother outside of my family of couse because I was staying with my mother at the time. Everything my ex has done has been quesionable at best, there have been reports of child neglect however they were never looked into. People know about it but no one will say anything and every time I have tried to get someone to look into something or I try to get someone that knows about it to talk they refuse to get involve. The ex has also gotten my medical records and have been showing them around town to convince people that I am the one that is crazy. Even thought I can prove the abuse I can't get anyone to hear me or to care because my ex married into a family with money. I have been told that I should just except things and forget about it because I am not only fighting the state who believe everything my ex told them but also his new wife's family who doesn't want to let my son go.
I don't know what to do anymore, my family is trying to get the tribe to help but it's a long road and I have lost faith that anything can be done.

You need to get a lawyer and contest the original divorce. You need to prove he knew of your whereabouts and that he was in contact with you the whole time. That way there are grounds to revisit it and have it overturned. That is why you need a lawyer now to get you through the complicated mess that has been created.

If I could afford a lawyer I would but I have been fighting the ex for years now, my health has suffered and I'm a emotional mess. I can't fight him again on my own, I have to rely on my family and the tribe to help me because of the mental state he has put me in. to have a man that said he loved you and then take the one and only thing you ever really loved and cared about and use it to keep you under his control is more then anyone should have to go through. The emotional abuse was one thing but to use a child like that is unforgivable, and he claims that I'm the bad guy for not staying and keeping my mouth shut, that I disurve all this! All I have in me is hate and anger, I know its wrong but my child is the only one I will ever have and his father had no right to rob me of that forever.
I need help in fighting him because I can't do it anymore, I'm ready to just give up because the pain of this is killing me. Please someone help me find a way. I have nothing left to lose.

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Originally Posted by tracymerrill

if i could afford a lawyer i would but i have been fighting the ex for years now, my health has suffered and im a emotional mess. i can't fight him again on my own, i have to rely on my family and the tribe to help me because of the mental state he has put me in. to have a man that said he loved you and then take the one and only thing you ever really loved and cared about and use it to keep you under his control is more then anyone should have to go throught. the emotional abuse was one thing but to use a child like that is unforgiveable, and he claims that im the bad guy for not staying and keeping my mouth shut, that i disurve all this! all i have in me is hate and anger, i know its wrong but my child is the only one i will ever have and his father had no right to rob me of that forever.
i need help in fighting him because i can't do it anymore, im ready to just give up because the pain of this is killing me. please someone help me find a way. i have nothing left to lose.

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You said he has money. You may be able to file and he pays for it. Talk to lawyers in your area and they can explain how it works. But it sounds like you have a case to have it overturned and revisited.

If it was truly that simple I would have done it already but he lives in another state and in a small town where he is well known by people. I can't even get the police to call me back when I ask them to check up on them. I have gone to the judge there in the past but they refused to even hear my case claiming that I had no growns and that I was waisting there time. And this was when I was living in a woman's shelter after the ex kicked me out for going to the cps over child neglect. Yes it was neglect and it was so bad that when the police came they where sick just going into the house. But because my child looked "fine" to them that they couldn't remove them. I don't see how anything they are doing can be right and yet everyone just looks the other way.I have talked to many lawyers too may to count and they have all told me the same thing... give up or get ready to spend a ton of money because that is the only way I will ever get anything. The ex has already made me out to look like a dead beat, claiming that I won't even give money to care for my child's needs. I was never ordered to pay anything to him and yet he claims I owe him and that until I pay up and "prove" that I'm a mother I'm nothing but a stranger and will be treated as such. When I told him that if he wanted money he would have to take me to court because I know that if I have to pay him he has to let me see my child he claimed I was hostel and that it was why I couldn't see my child. I know it's blackmail and I know what he is doing is wrong but again I can't get anyone to even look into it. He has sense taken a restaining order out on me claiming that I would harm my child, he also put others out on my family claiming they too would harm my child among other things.
And this isn't the first time he has done stuff like this, he has placed restraining orders out on anyone that crosses him, which again I know is wrong but no one ever looks into anything. He should have been jailed after the state found out about his welfare fraud, but he was able to get that sweeped under the rug. I want to report assalt by him, but I don't trust the police. I know he would go to prison for it but I fear it would just be over looked like everything else.
For those of you that wonder this all takes place in Idaho... and I have talked to many woman like me who tell the same story I do about there ex and kids.

There are a couple of assumptions that you are making here that are incorrect and may in fact be damaging your chance to reunite with your child. Visitation and child support have NOTHING to do with each other. A child support order does not mean that visitation will be granted. Have you paid anything to him for the care of your child? Your child still needs food, shelter, and clothing, regardless of whether you get to visit. Your lack of visitation as a reason for not offering financial support will not fly in court. However, it looks like it may have helped him get sole custody.

I hate to be harsh here, but I'm going to be very straightforward with you. Stop being a victim. You have already been victimized by your ex, but you took the initiative to walk away from him. You need to take the same initiative now. Take back your power and do everything possible to get your child away from this abuser. You wrote several times that nobody would look into anything. You have to do it. Have you filed for custody or visitation? If a judge is telling you that he won't grant visitation based on the "abuse", did you ask for the reports by child services or the police and for substantiating evidence? When he filed for restraining orders, did you appear at the hearings and ask what evidence there was to support the orders? Any witnesses? Have you documented every time he has refused you visitation, or filed false reports? Do you have the name of each person at each department you complained to who did nothing? Do you have access to phone records or messages that prove that he was in contact with you when he filed for divorce? Do you still have the letter from his wife that came to you afterward, to prove that someone knew your address? How many of the hearings you mentioned were you in court for? If you are going to fight this, you need every scrap of documentation and evidence you can get. It sounds like he has spent a long time discrediting you in court, and you haven't done anything to fight that.

All the lawyers you have spoken to are absolutely right. You either have to walk away, or be prepared to commit your time, energy, and money to getting your child back, or at least having a chance to be a part of your child's life. As Judy mentioned, what happened with custody is unusual and there may be far more going on here than even you realize. I don't think we have the whole story. A lawyer will be able to unravel what has happened and what options you have. You may want to look into legal aid, or see if there is a law clinic at a university near you. Talk to womens' advocacy groups and see if they have information or are willing a assist you. Look into groups or agencies that assist women to escape domestic violence and see if they can offer help. Good Luck.

I have the emails and phone records along with the letter the new wife sent, I didn't willingly walk away my ex forced me to. He put me on the bus and told me that if I didn't go he would stick me back into the mental hospital and tell them I was hurting myself. Which wasn't try however I did have a lot of marks and bruses on me from falling down the stairs a few days before and he was going to tell them I tried to kill myself. I didn't get a chance to appair in court for any of the resent hearings. Like I mentioned before it was done by default. I was never searved any of the papers and by the time I found out what was going on it was already said and done with. He didn't even wait to get remarried, within a week of it being finalized he was already married again. I had to hear about it from one of his uncles.
I have given things for my child's care in the past but nothing resent because I am unemployed and do not have enough money to split it between two homes. I surported my child for 3 years prier to that because his father did not work and wanted no part in the child's care. I have sent things to my child but they were returned to me, the father refuses to allow me to even send the child birthday presents yet complanes that he is not being comprecented for the child's care. I relize that child surport maynot mean I get to see my child but the father is the one that has refused to except anything from me. I have offered what I can give but they refuse and have told my that I don't exist anymore and that my child does not remember me so they want nothing from me or my family. As far as they are concerned I'm dead and buried and they want me to stay that way.
They have said that they knew that if my child knew what they have done that he would turn agenst them, and have told me that if I really love my child I would let him be happy and live the life they are giving him and to stop trying to bring the truth out because it will only hurt him worst. I don't believe that what they are doing it love, the child maybe young but he should still be given a choice and the truth.

No matter what anyone suggests you have a reason why it won't work. I'm out of suggestions. I believe everyone else is, too.

I STILL don't understand why the Nation isn't hearing this case.

So far everyone is against you - I find that very hard to believe. There are circumstances which you have not posted.

I have been through this for 10 years. I am not a legal representative. Just another women who was though this abuse! First off: Yes. Seek help with your tribe. They have to have some form of legal help for you! Secondly:Find an attorney that specialty is Narcissism and Parental Alienation! NOT KIDDING!
Third: Google Narcissism and Parental Alienation. Find out all you can for the sake of your kids. When I found out I searched everything about the word. How a Narcissist will effect the child, so on and so forth!
I have a group called Papa's Children. {e-mail removed} It stands for Parent's/ People Against Parental Alienation Syndrome! It is a form of child abuse! I pray they pass the law against it! Kristy Brinkley went through it. Although she had money and power. Her case wasn't as bad as mine! Be prepared. Make sure you have a place for them to go to with space and appropriate bedrooms. As the judge to get the children in for counseling right away. If you don't have visitation. Get it! No parent should be without their child. Men or Women! Have family around you. You will need it. If not family. Friends. Make sure you aren't doing anything that could create a major issue in this "war of your life.' It will be the hardest thing you will have to go through! The judge may ask for a children's attorney to be appointed. Make sure you express your need for counseling and bring up the children's attorney if he has an attorney. You have one. Bring up one for the children. If neither of you have attorney's. Still recommend this protection for their rights! Also request he pays for it being that he is the one that created the problem. It will make things easier on the children and they will have to visit with this attorney outside of court. It is to protect them and find out what is in their best interest. Good Luck. God Bless!