My boyfriend is 26, was in the military since he was 19, and has had only four girlfriends. From my understanding, he has had sex before, but now he has genophobia, which is a fear of intercourse. I know he isn't the only one with this, but it seems there are really no people out there when it comes to finding out how to help men... as most people affected are female...

We have been dating for a few months. I am a erotophiliac. I can wait and masturbate through this thing because I genuinely care for him and want to make this work. (He took some space for a few weeks recently, thinking I would stop wanting to see him, but we recently starting dating again after I explained that I understand, I have been researching like crazy with nowhere to go for actual ideas on how to help him.) Also, when we first started dating, he said he was afraid to even kiss me, but he is well over that now.

When we make out, he gets an erection and can masturbate (alone), but the actual act of having sex gives him basically a panic attack. I know that it is something he can get over, so what can I do to help? I am willing to put in some serious time.

The problem seems all mental, sex for a lot of people is all intimacy and about trust and connection, if he got past the fear of making out he'll probably grow out of this too. It may take a while so I hope your in for the long haul, but in the end its going to be well worth the wait.

What you can do is be supportive and encourage him to seek counseling from a person trained to deal with phobias. If you continue to try to handle this on your own it will start causing problems in the relationship.

He also needs to find out if there is a reason for his fear. If there is, then he needs to work through those issues as well.

Be patient and give him the emotional support he is going to need, but don't try to 'fix' him on your own. When someone is dealing with deep-seated fears there are times when they are trying to heal that they strike out at the person(s) helping them. Therapists, counselors, physiologists, etc. are trained to handle the frustration, fear, anger and other negative emotions that can arise. You need to stay a step back and make certain you don't end up getting hurt in the process of his healing.

Take care of yourself so that you can help him learn how to help himself.

I am not pushy in any way. We have discussed his issue, and in my research, I believe that he has a form of body dysmorphic disorder. Something I left out is that he is a body builder--and a serious one at that. He used to be very skinny and now is over 200 lbs of muscle.

I feel that this feeling of not being adequate is most likely the root cause of his problem. But also knowing him, there is no way he is going to go talk to a therapist, as he has told me numerous times that I for some reason am the only one he is comfortable speaking to about it and the only one he has ever told. SO... I need some at home suggestions. I can talk to him about it in another month or two once he is even more comfortable and open.

I'm a little concerned with your dropping suffixes like -philiac this and -phobic that, and wonder why you are so intrigued with diagnosing both of you. (You might be wrong, you know.)

All this researching and acting as his therapist may be working against you and producing that genophobia that you think he has. (I now have it just reading this thread.)

Try some sensate focus for a while, play with his mind and imagination, and please stop concentrating so much on why there's no intercourse.

Nikki, I wasn't saying that you were being pushy. I didn't and don't think you are.

What I am concerned about is that he is in a way making you responsible for his issues. You are becoming a crutch. It is a warning sign that he 'trusts' and 'depends' on you so much. I know it feels good to help others especially someone you care about (maybe even love.) However, it also puts you too close to the issues to handle them without being emotionally invested and involved. It may not seem like it, but it is a danger to your stability.

Trained professionals know how to deal with these issues and the problems that can come up and out during the healing process and recovery. As I pointed out before, people going through therapy often strike out at those trying to help them. It's like the person with the broken leg cursing his crutches and wanting to destroy them when he is more upset with his own body. The crutches are an external reminder of the frustration and other negative feelings. You don't want to be the crutch.

By all means give him support, but don't allow yourself to become his only means of help and support. Gently guide him to therapists who can give him tools to work through all of his issues.

Wondergirl: I am not concentrating on why there is no sex, I am trying to figure out a way to ease him. He knows he has genophobia, he has known for years - and know that I am an erotophiliac because I have been diagnosed professionally with it... I am not JUST THROWING WORDS AROUND...

ALL:I have been talking to him about seeing someone- and I never pressure him behind closed doors- he is a extremely affectionate person and only gets nervous when it comes to actual intercourse - but my research is my understanding of his problem and has helped me to back down a notch and let him control at his pace when we do make out and what not- my research is not hurting our relationship at all... and I am not a crutch, just a ear. He has even told me that himself. But again I need some insight preferably from a MAN who also used to have this problem. That would be the most helpful in helping him ease into something he wants to do (because we tried about a month ago and it didn't work... his idea) but is unable to accomplish.

He wants to get over this fear as quickly as possible... this is why I am looking for answers

Quote:

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Originally Posted by nikkishaw

I am trying to figure out a way to ease him

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Like I had said, try sensate focus.

And please take off the therapist hat.

Why is it such an issue for me to want to help? Huh? There are girls and younger guys who are/arent virgins who are either the one with the phobia or the bf/gf of the person and people helped them... geez.. why is is such a f-ing crime for me to try and help... my BF asked me to!

Besides no therapist can go into the bedroom with us! Its his idea to try and push to get over it not mine... I don't understand why I am being chastised for being a good girlfriend and trying to get ideas

You're over-thinking it and getting into areas that are beyond your expertise. You possibly are doing more harm than good.

Well, if your attitude with HIM is anything like your attitude with US, that's a good reason for you to back off and encourage him to see a professional.

We suggest a professional because that is what is most likely to actually HELP him, and not put undue burden on either of you or your relationship.

It's great you're trying to help. The best help you can give him is to continue to encourage him to seek PROFESSIONAL help.