Ask Me Help Desk - Worried about my dad

Hi everyone,

My mum died when I was 10 and my dad has not gone our with anyone every since. At least not openly, because I did see one or two sms (wasn't spying, I just used his mobile phone to send message and saw them) from a person with whom he obvisouly had some kind of a relationship. I tried to ask him if he was going out with someone, if he didn't feel the need to be in a relationship but he avoids the subject in any way he can. I have no idea if this 'person' is still around, and I don't feel like going over his sms just to check. Of course he has the right to hide his personal life. But I'm worried.

I'm 25, in a relationship and very happy, and he's all alone and will continue to be so. Perhaps he thinks this is better for him, but all he does is work work and work. He doesn't have any other hobbies. I tried to help him discover other stuff but it never seems to last. I tried telling him to go to a museum together for example, but he always says he has to work, even on weekends.

I really don't know what else to do, but I'm worried because in a year's time we won't be living in the same country anymore. And I know that I will be worried sick. And I'f I'm this worried now , in 10 years it's going to be worse. I really want to see him with someone. He deserves to be with someone. I know he adored my mum and no one will replace her but that doesn't mean he has to grow old alone.

May I add that he never, ever opens up about his feelings. Very frustrating...

Why, he may have friends, but does not have any desire for a love relationship. Perhaps he felt your mother is his only real love and he respects that to not be with someone else.

And honestly it is none of your business if he does or does not date. If he loves his work and is happy, leave him alone

I don't think he has any real friends. And I'm worried because I really don't think he loves his work, he's just doing it because there's nothing else in his life. No hobbies, no outside work activities, no passions. So I don't think he's happy overall.

Leave him alone? Geez, it's not like I did anything to him. I hope someone who is more understanding will reply to my question...

Quote:

Originally Posted by fisk

I don't think he has any real friends. And I'm worried because I really don't think he loves his work, he's just doing it because there's nothing else in his life. No hobbies, no outside work activities, no passions. So I don't think he's happy overall.

Leave him alone? Geez, it's not like I did anything to him. I hope someone who is more understanding will reply to my question...

When you post on a public board you need to be prepared for all kinds of answers. Criticizing an expert, the very person who is trying to help you, is not terribly smart.

At any rate - your father is presumably an adult, able to make his decisions, his own way in life. For whatever reason he is not comfortable letting you know if/when he dates. Maybe you've been disapproving in the past. Maybe he feels guilty about seeing a woman who is not your mother. It could be just about anything. Maybe he's just comfortable being alone. Maybe he's a workaholic. You have posted that you haven't grieved the death of your mother, that you can't cry. Maybe he can't move beyond his loss either.

Maybe he thinks his dating or social life (or lack of either) is none of your business.

I always have a problem with people who aren't snooping but somehow come upon messages meant for someone else - and then read them. You not only read his private message(s) but then you tried to talk to him about it? I'd be more than a little offended.

I was widowed - I felt no need to discuss my social life following my husband's death with our children. When I met someone I knew was going to be important in my life, then I made the introductions - and ultimately married the man.

Unless he has some type of depression or anti-social issue I'd leave him alone. Let him decide how/when/where another "relationship" which he chooses to share with you is appropriate.

EDIT: Here's my very specific concern. You asked this same question in January 2010 and you are (I think) very much involved in other people's lives. Why is that? https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/adult-...x-480568.html; https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/mental...s-418856.html; https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/other-...r-391535.html; https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/other-...nt-439524.html; https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/mental...ls-255350.html

Yes I am involved in my friend's and family's lives. Of course I am. I don't see anything wrong with that. That question in January had to do with an ex-friend who had chosen to confide everything in me. I wasn't the one trying to get information.

So it's wrong to worry about my dad living all alone when he is 65 years old, and it's wrong to worry about him spending 12 or more hours in his office? Of course he's an adult and this is why I'm not asking you how to take more control over his life, but how to make him see that what he is doing isn't very healthy. And don't tell me that doing nothing but work is healthy, please. He's all I have. Had he not dated anyone and had a life outside of work, I wouldn't be worried. He doesn't walk(only to his car and back), he doesn't talk to other people.

(By the way, I just didn't think 'leave him alone' sounded very helpful)

What kind of work does your dad do? My job was my life! (I'm his age and would love to be healthy enough to still be working at the job I had to quit, so have found new ways to work while retired.)

He's actually 64 and works representing his country abroad. He's retiring in less than a year.

It sounds like his job is interesting and possibly demanding of his time. What will he do once he's retired? Has he talked about being at home or traveling or hanging out with old friends?

Quote:

Originally Posted by fisk

Yes I am involved in my friend's and family's lives. Of course I am. I don't see anything wrong with that. That question in January had to do with an ex-friend who had chosen to confide everything in me. I wasn't the one trying to get information.

So it's wrong to worry about my dad living all alone when he is 65 years old, and it's wrong to worry about him spending 12 or more hours in his office? Of course he's an adult and this is why i'm not asking you how to take more control over his life, but how to make him see that what he is doing isn't very healthy. And don't tell me that doing nothing but work is healthy, please. He's all I have. Had he not dated anyone and had a life outside of work, I wouldn't be worried. He doesn't walk(only to his car and back), he doesn't talk to other people.

(By the way, I just didn't think 'leave him alone' sounded very helpful)

Please don't put words in my mouth - yes, I personally think it's a problem if you are overly concerned about other people's lives. From what you've posted it sounds like your own life is pretty busy.

You have problems in your own life (https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...lk-591227.html). Are you certain you aren't involved in your father's life to get away from your own concerns? It's a valid question. If your father IS in trouble (as you seem to think he is) perhaps you should move back into his house and help him adjust. Perhaps having you move out to live with your boyfriend upsets him more than you know.

You could also try ASKING him if there's a void in his life. Presumably he knows.

No one said: it's wrong to worry about him (as long as you aren't overly concerned and/or obsessive), no one said it's wrong to spend 12 hours a day in his office - apparently he's successful and provided well for you and your brother. Twelve hours a day may very well be what that took/takes; you can't make anyone see what "he's" doing is unhealthy if it's not unhealthy; and I am telling you that perhaps his work IS his social life, is also how he enjoys himself, is also entertaining for HIM. What YOU think isn't what counts. What HE thinks matters.

Had he not dated anyone? I thought you said you found information on his cell phone that he HAD dated someone. Maybe YOU like/want to walk. Maybe HE doesn't. That's HIS choice. You also don't appear to be with him 24/7, you didn't know he was in contact with a female until you found the messages, I wouldn't presume to know he doesn't talk to anyone.

As far as "leave him alone" being helpful or not - it's a public board. I'm surprised you didn't get worse than that from a widow or widower who doesn't need or want his/her adult children telling him/her how to live.

JudyKay Tee, I don't understand why your tone in your messages is so harsh. I really don't. But thank you for taking the time to answer, your opinion's been helpful in making me think more about certain things.

Perhaps I bounced off your tone - "So it's wrong to worry about my dad living all alone when he is 65 years old, and it's wrong to worry about him spending 12 or more hours in his office?" If this was not meant to put words in my mouth or be confrontational, then I owe you an apology and I do apologize.

No I really didn't intend to put words in your mouth. Apology accepted-English is not my mother tongue, and I sometimes get confronted for 'attitude' which was not at all intentional!

Do you know whether he has any health issues? Could he be dealing with depression?

It certainly is not wrong to care about his well-being and happiness, it is a very loving thing to do, but do keep in mind that what you think may make him happy, may not be the same for him.

Some people thrive on being social, having things to do, and spending time with family and friends. Other people are content with having one or two friends that they may chat with now and then... perhaps even just at work. Neither is necessarily better than the other.

As JudyKayTee said, it may be a situation where he isn't comfortable discussing a casual friendship, but would likely bring it up were it to become more serious.

He may have no desire to get into a serious relationship again... or he may think he doesn't. Who knows the people he may meet in the next month, year, or 5 years. Someone may very well come along and change his mind.

You could invite him out to a meal and share your concerns, briefly, without dwelling on the topic. Or you could write it in a card to him. Just let him know that you want him to be happy, not work too hard, and enjoy life... and if that ever involves spending time with someone special, you would be very happy for him. Plain and simple. Then leave it at that.