My 19 year old daughter was a full time student, she was living in a condo with her older sister while in school full time. The rules were school full time, part time job (they keep the money). I paid all expenses. She got a boyfriend and everything changed. She became disrespectful, stopped going to school for a couple of semesters, now only takes 2 online classes. She refused to tell me her grades so she moved in with him. He does not want her to have anything to do with her family or friends. Now she has moved somewhere else(didn't tell us) with him and has sold the car I bought her and is driving a old clunker. She still works for me only because no one else will hire her. She is secretive and lying. What happened? What should I do?

Im sorry to say, but you should do nothing. She is 19, and must make her own mistakes in life. Learn from her own choices, whether good or bad. I know its hard as a parent to just let bad things happen to our children. But if you push the issue and try to be the 'parental figure' that will only drive her away more.

If she does a good job at work, that's great. If she is not doing a good job at work, fire her. Treat her as any other employee, with no special treatment in either direction. (dont be harder/more demanding because she is your daughter, and don't go too easy on her because she is your daughter)

I am sorry she is behaving this way. I wish you luck.

I am curious to know if this new boyfriend is her first serious relationship.

Also, what does your older daughter have to say about this situation, and has she met the boyfriend, and did she notice sudden, and abrupt changes in her sisters behaviour as well, or was there a more gradual shifting from the regular routine of school, and work.

When did you learn that she had dropped out of school. Is her father in the picture.

Has she ever been involved with drugs/alcohol, or had any mental health issues.

While I agree that 19 year olds do some pretty strange things from bad decisions, if your daughter was otherwise a normal functioning individual, attending college, holding down a job and being responsible, and then suddenly everything changed, it is a bigger picture than just growing pains I think.

More information would be helpful.

Thank you both for taking the time to read and reply.
This is her first serious boyfriend. Her father has not been in the picture for 7 years. She was always a "gifted" student, started college at 16. She has had a lot of therapy, starting with the divorce and she has depression issues. I have offered to go with her or without her to her therapist. She is not currently in therapy. This boy has a terrible relationship with his parents and when I first found this out I was concerned. She said it was OK because one of the things he liked about his old girlfriend was her family. But that soon changed. I got upset with her for riding in the city on the back of his crotch rocket, we live in a college town, because everyone is on cell phones and it is so dangerous. He has
12 points on his license, he is 19.
Her older sister will get her Master's degree in December. She said the boy started sleeping over every night right after they met. I did not know this then. I noticed she was not working and I didn't say anything because she was taking 18 credit hours. But then I realized she was not going to school or work, sleeping all the time. Claiming she could not answer the phone because the battery died, had it on silent etc.. I then asked to see her grades and she refused. I said I was not going to support an adult who was not working, or in school. She said she was not telling me her grades and she moved in with him. She has never been much on work had she been a normal employee she would have been fired. It has been 4 months since I quit supporting her. Her car ins. Was prepaid till Nov. and I still pay her health insurance. She is a much better employee now. Her boyfriend is no longer in school, he was going to a Jr College and working but has dropped out and drinks all the time. I don't think she is doing any drugs but I have heard of her drinking. She has stopped talking to all her old friends and anyone who she thinks might tell me something. I have 30 employees a lot are students. Her sister used to be her best friend. She has made numerous statements about me that were unfounded. She's been angry because I would not pay 52K a year to send her to Rollins for a psychology degree. I told her I could not afford it with 2 kids in college. She got mad when I bought the condo saying I could have used the money to pay for Rollins. I pay for UF for 2 students one in grad school.

As hard as it is, the decisions she is making right now, are hers and hers alone.

She has made a conscious effort to go down a different path than the one she was on, and sadly, at her age, there is not much you can do.

I agree with Jenni that the support end has to stop- she has changed the rules, and can't have it both ways. If she wants the support and very generous financial assistance you have provided, she can't be ditching school, and living a life that has nothing to do with what was agreed upon in the beginning.

She's not working or attending school, and I agree with you that you can't support an adult who is not doing one or the other.

Typically, she is turning the tables on you, to suggest that had you done more, spent more, and sent her to an expensive school, she would not be where she is right now. Be careful not to fall for her twisting the facts to justify her behaviour.

But, that she has done that, is a small clue that suggests she's grasping at straws to explain her behaviour.

All you can do is make it clear that should she get back on track, and resume her studies under the original plan, you will assist her all you can. Until then, part of the decision she made to ditch her obligation to you, means that she cannot expect to be supported.

In the long run, a few knocks in the school of life may turn this around. Short term assistance, or bailing her out, based on false promises from her, will only keep this ball rolling in the wrong direction.

The sooner she realizes what she has, is not a good alternative to what she had, the better. Try not to make this easy for her, and stick to your guns, but on the other hand, let her know that when she is willing to turn this around, and able to back up plans to do so, you will be there.

I have a 19 year old who also acts as though she hates me. It seems irrational in so many ways. I don't think the advice that we are getting really helps. That is people saying well she is over 18 and she can...


We know that, but it is very disturbing to love and give to someone and have that person hate you. We are being mistreated and should not blame ourselves. I have read a few of these and notice that a relationship with a boyfriend is involved as though the young woman cannot seem to have a mother and a boyfriend. Loving your mother should not be a threat to the relationship with the boyfriend. I think this psychodynamic warrants further study. And when people tell you you just need to forget it or she can do what she wants, what I am hearing is that person just doesn't want to be bothered or it serves some purpose to make that individual feel better without addressing the problem..

Ditto above. I was always very close to my 21 year old until the boyfriend arrived. The boyfriend is a nice kid, but they started living in each others' pockets very quickly. My daughter still lives at home and immediately flouted my rules about 'sleep-overs' by waiting until I fell asleep and then disappearing into her room with the door closed. Her Dad and I separated when she was very young and she has two younger sisters who are confused by her behaviour. She has grown distant from them but doesn't hate them as much as she hates me. My daughter is holding down a good job and doing very well at Uni. The boyfriend is a non performer but very social and pleasant. I have been trying to put her behaviour down to a natural need to to separate and "individuate" as the psychs would say, but she is over the top! How long is this likely to last?

Everyone, we feel your pain. We sent our almost 19 year old daughter off to college three months ago. She immediately met a boy, he dropped out, so she dropped out, she moved in with him after only knowing him for three months. We would not let her have the new car she'd been driving, and after reading some of these other posts, glad we made that decision. The boy doesn't work, doesn't have a car, they both live at his mother's now. They both also seem to entertain themselves at efforts to harrass us more than anything else they do. You name it, we've been called it publicly in our community by our daughter. Especially me, mom. Sadly for her she has a bad reputation in our community now. And she spends her day sitting on basically a strangers couch with nothing to do, and no means of going anywhere. While even the strangers she now lives with, head out for their day, to their jobs and school, while her and the boy sit. She gets up around 9:00 a.m. every morning, probably gets to sleep about 1:00, and that's her routine, she's basically living off this boys mother, who is also very angry that she's there without a car and job or money. We refuse to give in to that because we know they'll just take it from our daughter, who we will feel obviously is not in her right mind. As a parent, there is only one way to curb this problem, rage the age of adulthood to 21, not 18. And in every state. It can be done if enough parents and groups pull together.