Would you want to know who your real father was/is? Here's the situation: In 1975, two 15-year-old neighbor kids conceived a child; we'll call them "Big John" and "Mary." When Mary was three-months pregnant, she married a 20-year-old (from outside the neighborhood, and we'll call him "Fred"). On the day the baby was born, she phoned Big John's mother and said that she had given birth to Big John's son, but that Fred's name would appear on the birth certificate. The law in that state at that time was absolutely clear: If a married woman gave birth, by law her husband was the father of the child. There were no exceptions to the law. We'll call the baby "Little John." For the first two years of Little John's life, Big John saw him regularly. Big John and Mary were still in school together. Big John would go to the apartment home of Mary and Fred (when Fred was not there), and spend time with his son and with Mary. Big John worked two jobs while still in high school, and some of the money he earned was given to Mary with the intent that it would help to support their son. Big John sometimes cared for Little John in the apartment of Fred and Mary when Mary would run errands. (Big John and Mary may also have been "seeing each other" when Big John was visiting Little John.)

Big John imagined that Mary would leave the husband after they completed high school, and that they could have a "family."

A few months after Little John was two years old, Mary told Big John that he no longer would be allowed to see Little John. Big John was 18-and-a-half years old, and he nearly fell apart. It was devastating for him, but he had no options. The law absolutely was not on his side, and he had zero help from his own family. Big John forever kept his mouth shut about being the father of Mary's son. His mother knew because Mary had told her; his sister eventually learned because his mother told the sister.

Now Little John is 36 years old and the father of two sons himself. Little John looks *lots* like Big John, and Little John looks just like Big John's father. Big John's parents are dead; Big John is gone now also. If you were Little John, would you want to know who your real father was/is?

Yes, I would.

His real father was a good, hardworking man, and save for the circumstances at the time, he sounds like the type of person who would have kept up his relationship with his son, and continued to support him as well.

In my opinion, too many years have passed, but even at that, there is time for the truth to come out, and for Little John's two son's to know who their father was, and also have the opportunity to meet the family that still remains. There is a whole history there that should be available to these children.

How that comes about I'm sure, will be as sensitive and kind as possible from you. That you have a conscience that has bothered you for all these years, also speaks highly of your character, as well as Big John's.

Best of luck to you.

Yes, I do not believe it should have ever been keep from the child.

A lot of should have, since he may have had rights to challenge paternity years ago at the time of birth but that is gone.

But yes child should have been told

Jake2008: Thanks for your thoughts. I learned about Little John only ten years ago, after we'd lost Big John. My mother told me, but she was so aged and with failing memory that she could remember only parts. It took me ten years of looking to find who Little John is.

The final proof was the ultimate Facebook connection: I began finding Big John's high-school mates on Facebook, and narrowing them down to who lived near Big John back then. I found that someone had made a "remember the old neighborhood" group for the old neighborhood. On that "group" page, someone mentioned Big John as one of his old friends, and named five or six others in their old group, all who lived within two or three blocks of the old house. Two were girls/women. One was Mary. When I clicked on Mary's page, she had a few photos available to the "public." Little John's face jumped out and screamed, "LOOK AT THIS FACE!" Not only does Little John look like my brother and our father, Little John looks more like me than my own son looks like me! Looking at his face is like looking at me 25 years younger and with a crew-cut!

Then I began checking the details: exactly where Mary lived, when she married Fred, and so on. It was a clear match to what my mother had remembered.

I wrote to Mary, making clear that I am Big John's sister. I'm nine years older, and have moved 1,000 miles away, but in that old community, it's a "no doubt about it" situation that she absolutely knows that I am Big John's sister. I communicated, politely and graciously, so that she would understand that I finally knew that Big John and she had a son and that son is Little John. I asked for response, and I got none; I am sure that she will not respond. The marriage between Mary and Fred ended when Little John was about six. She married Mr. #2, and that marriage ended in about ten years. She is now on Mr. #3. Fred, also, is on his 3rd marriage.

Little John appears to be doing very well. If there is contact to be made, it will be made through Little John. I don't want to "disrupt" his life, but I feel like a liar myself to know who this man's biological father was, and to be one more person to keep my lips sealed about it. My brother was more than a "one night stand" or a "sperm donor." He was just a kid, but he tried to do the right thing, but was hobbled by the fact that the law prevented him from even being acknowledged as Little John's father.

How she knew for sure who the father was right after Little John was born is an unknown. I'm guessing it was an Rh-factor situation. Big John, for sure, was Rh-positive. If Little John was Rh-positive, but Mary and Fred were Rh-negative, someone in the hospital might have had to tell her, "Your husband cannot be the father of this baby." I just don't know how it is that she knew for sure right after he was born that Little John was Big John's son, but Little John's photo makes it clear that she knew what she was talking about when she told my mother that she had birthed Big John's son.

You sound like such a lovely lady.

What you don't say much about is, wouldn't it be wonderful for you to know your nephew? How old would he be now?

I think it is sad, and surprising that Little John's mother would not have prepared for the day, when this secret would come back to haunt her. Had she cooperated with you, and been honest to herself, and her son, there would have been a whole new world opened up to him through your family.

I am hoping that when you decide the time is right, that with the facts you have, will be enough for Little John to accept the truth. At some point, it won't matter what his mother does, or not, as the consequences between her and her son, will be hers to accept and deal with.

Do you have any idea when you might make the next move?

Jake2008: Yes, it would be wonderful to have a chance to know my nephew! My nephew is now 36. I saw that face, realized he was a reality, and thought, "MY BROTHER LIVES ON!" It is as if I have lost a brother, but found a part of him. I have tracked so many of his details online: I know the car that he "loved," and when I saw that, I was surprised -- same kind of "muscle car" that my brother once loved. I saw the faces of his sons, and they look like my brother as a young boy. I know what he does for a living, where he graduated from high school, from college. And, ironically, one of his friends from youth is the daughter-in-law of my and my brother's 1st cousin. That was a bit of a surprise.

His mother has remained in that same town. Why she made the call on the day Little John was born, I don't know, but she did, and the information was therefore out there. My brother obviously would have known that he might have been the father, but he was just 16 when Little John was born, and I do not think he would have openly challenged Mary to ask, "Is he my child?" She was by then married, and my guess is that he would have quietly accepted the situation as an unknown. But, Mary rather invited Big John back into her life, and into Little John's life, so long as it was "secret," and then excluded him from his son when Little John was two years old, perhaps because the secrets became too hard to juggle.

I don't know what I'll do next. I'm trying to figure out what the right thing is to do. I suspect if I could meet Little John face-to-face, just my face might be proof enough. If not my face, photos of my father and my brother, and the explanation of where Big John lived when Little John was conceived. They lived five houses apart and went to school together! If photos would not work, I would offer to pay for Y-DNA testing, if he were willing. I just don't know what the right thing to do is. So far as Little John knows, he has a "real father," an ex-stepfather, and a current stepfather. He'd be learning that none of those were the real-deal, but the real-deal was a teenaged boy who saw him regularly until he was two years old, and who sat at a kitchen table and cried all night long after learning he no longer would be allowed to see Mary or Little John. It was almost 24 years later when my mother finally told me the story, but she told about how Big John sat at her kitchen table crying all night. 18 1/2 years old, and it was a devasting kick in the gut for him.. . But I just don't know what the right "next move" is.

I look at this as all good news, for everyone but Mary, who will be in the difficult position to explain why she never told her son, who his real father was. I can't see it possible that she did not know herself, particularly under the circumstances of his birth, and your mother being called at that time, and told. That she went on and divorced who Little John thought was his father, and remarried twice, she had opportunity for many, many years to tell the truth.

Makes me wonder why she didn't, particularly when Little John became an adult with children of his own. Keeping it all a secret really robbed him, and his children, of relationships that could have been established. And John as an adult would have not needed her permission or approval to make his own choices as to what to do; he may have, had he known, contacted his father, and his father's family, on his own.

Because you write so well, what do you think about sending him email to outline who you are, and that you would like to meet with him, to discuss circumstances surrounding his birth father. I would let him know that you have already been in touch with his mother, and she is aware that you were going to contact him. (perhaps contact her one more time and give her a week to get used to the idea)

That way, he will be somewhat prepared for your contact, presuming he will ask his mother, and not think you are some crazy person just making trouble.

If he does not contact you in a week or so, why not contact him again, and offer to meet at a local, public place. Suggest the place and time. Or, give him an option of not meeting just yet, but instead receiving more detail instead, first. If that is the choice he makes, then by all means, send everything you know, all that you have included here in your posts, along with pictures. That way he will see that you are providing information for him to make a choice. And the bottom line is, he may choose not to act on this information at all, or he may choose to know more. Either way, you have provided him with what he needs to know, and should have known, long ago, and to make a decision based on it.

I think we all have a need to know where we came from. Perhaps more than a need, a right even?

You did not create, or have any part in how things all went down all those years ago, you are only moving the information along to the right person.

After that, it will be up to him.