My partner and I have been together for some time and whilst I spend a lot of time with his family he has never met mine. When we met I was just ending my marriage, and my family were finding it hard to deal with as it was unexpected to them, and they were previously very close to him. I went through a lot of hard stuff with my mother and sister in particular and my new partner witnessed the fall out of this, and was adamant he did not want to meet my mother as the way she treated me during a hard time made his blood boil.

I moved in with him quite quickly but as my divorce has been a drawn out one I am only just getting the decree nisi through now 4 years on from us separating. Once my mother finally accepted my marriage we came to a truce and made up, however she has been pestering me to meet my boyfriend.

I have always had an up- down relationship with her always and was very hurt by the way she turned her back on me at a hard time but adore my father who has been ill on and off for the last few years and feel life is too short to not have a relationship with my mother. I have kept her at a distance since then but now my divorce is almost through I would like my partner to be part of my family world too but he when I have tried to bring this up he states that he not bear to hear my mum even mentioned, he is fiercely loyal and feels I forgave her too easily.

He has said he does not ever want to be in a room with her. I am finding it hard to keep both my parents and him happy, coming up with more reasons I am not ready for them to meet him but its hard to not even be able to have my parents over our new home and they are hurt too. I don't want to break up as I love my partner and he has been very supportive over me but I find it hard to see how we can continue into a future with my family never meeting him. I could really do with an outside perspective.

Your current partner needs to step back let you handle your relationship with your parents. If you are willing to forgive them then he should accept that and have at least one meeting with them. If not a visit, perhaps a less formal get-together/party that would give them a chance to meet but not have to interact with each other as much.

Tell him to put himself in your place. You have gone through a lot but they are still your parents. You have healed yourself with his help. Now, it is time to heal your relationship with them before time runs out. Wouldn't he want to work through any issues with his family? Would he be able to totally ignore his family if you didn't want to meet them?

Gently explain to him that you need his love and support and that the best way he can give it to you now is to be understanding about your need to reconnect with your family. If he doesn't want to understand and/or isn't willing to help you find a compromise, then his loyalty and support may be masking a need to be in control.

Even if he doesn't want to meet your family, do not allow him to stop you from rebuilding your relationship with them. Explain to your parents that he is concerned about you getting hurt again. You are ready to move forward, but he isn't and it may take him some more time.

Let him see that your relationship with your parents may still have ups and downs (most parent/child relationships tend to have them at some point in time) but it is getting better. It might be the best way to help him move forward.

Good luck.

He doesn't want to get involved with an issue that doesn't concern him. He doesn't like your mother because he feels protective over you, and you are complaining why he doesn't want to meet her? Isn't it obvious? He is probably afraid to get pissed at your mother in front of you, I would be. Sort out your problems with your family, and when you are happy with them, then invite him to join y'all.

Hard being caught in between loved ones, but relax. There is no hurry and you can work on them both and when the time is right, then give it a try.

You must be very firm with this fellow that you have made great strides in repairing the past, and when it is time, he must do his part.

You can't force them together, and should ease into this meeting, but you can demand he be civil for YOUR sake no matter how he feels. I think maybe your parents should visit you at your home, when he is not there, if he cannot at least put on a good face and bear it.

Let him know very firmly you want the grudge stopped, and the hatchet buried, and if you can do it, he damn well should try.

Firmly, but not forcefully I think is your best course of action.

First it is obvious why he does not want to meet her, she hurt you and he is not as easy to forgive as you are.

If she asks, I would be honest, lying is never an answer, tell her he has never gotten over the way you treated me when we got together. Perhaps she needs to be one to go to him asking some forgiveness also ?

This is a great lesson on not jump into another relationship until you (and your family) have had time.

I understand how family can be protective, but they, him & you have to be open to new, better & greater things.

The past is the past.

Honesty & communication, always.

If everyone is invested in your happiness, then they all have to try to put aside any BS.
Be open and support you.

And sometimes they don't and never will meet or have a relationship.

My wife meet my mother once , when my dad died at his funeral. That was it, she was never welcome in her home and mom because of that was never welcomed in my home.

I would talk to mom once or twice a day, but after I remarried, we never had a in person relationship

Ive been on both sides.

My family always treated my gf's etc.. At face value.

And Ive been stressed out about meeting gf's family. But always bucked up & acted like I always do.
With love & respect.

I wish my family would have said a couple times, she's not right for you. Would have saved me a lot of years.

Regardless, we all have hurdles. He has to get over his fears, she has to be open minded.

Maybe everyone needs to spend some time getting to know each other...

Without expectations. Just love.
Sometimes that takes time.

You make a great point Van, we all EXPECT to be happy with who we are with, sometimes we don't get it, but RESPECT and Love through those hard to be happy times is a reasonable EXPECTATION, I think.

Exactly,

I will tell you a funny story.

When my ex dumped me, an hour later I got a call from her Mom. I let it go to voicemail.
She said " Im sorry, you must be really hurting"

I kind of laugh now.

Sometimes blood is thicker than water. I never returned her call or spoke to her ever again.

I was quite close to her family. As my ex was w/ mine.
I remember when we were having those breakup talks, my ex said:
"Have you told your family yet? I can call them if you want"

I laugh again.

I guess my point is. Its all about you two. Everything else is secondary.
And how you deal with your partner.

First things first.

Many thanks for all your positive and thoughtful responses. They have really been appreciated as its good to get someone else's perspective hwo can say exactly what they think without emotions getting in the way. Cat1864, I really like your thoughtful response, you have said things in a measured clear way that makes a lot more sense then all the jumbled ideas going through my head. Clarified ideas of how to look at things going forward.

This has been such an emotive issue I have been unsure how to tackle, the dilemna of letting it carry on as it is or make it into a big issue by pushing it all. I hate conflict and am one of these who tries to keep everyone happy which is ridiculously unrealistic. I completely understand why by boyfriend does not want to meet them, he has said as much and I know it sounds like I'm complaining that he's supportive and loyal to me. I guess I do want us all to move on but can't expect him to do it at the same pace as me.

I also heed the advise of jumping into another relationship so quickly, my rational head completely agrees and I do think it was too quick, I would advise any one else to try to avoid it themselves for sanities sake. It wasn't something I planned to happen so quickly, but life is short and sometimes you can't let opportunities or people pass you by because of 'timings'. It was a surprise to find someone who cared so much who I liked back ; he offered me a home and love at a time I was very lost and low and didn't ask for anything in return. I agree that maybe I am fixating on this and should be more patient, give my partner time and explain to my family why the time is not right to all play happy families replacing my husband for my boyfriend in her family set up, as I know my mother wants to do. I have told her I need to build my life on my own this time, with her support but in my own way.
This has help clarified ideas of how to look at things going forward.
( Apologies also for the scrambled grammar and spelling errors, had to send quickly between meetings so didn't take enough care !)

I think your boyfriend lacks a little insight here.

First of all, your difficulties with your parents over the divorce of your husband, has passed from what you've written. They have accepted, after four years, you will soon be divorced officially, and that you have a new love in your life.

They want to meet him, and yet, he is still stuck being resentful, over protective, stubborn, and inconsiderate of you and your feelings. Have you asked yourself why he continues to keep a family rift going, when it has been resolved? Does he understand the position he puts you in by being between the olive branch by your parents, and the refusal to even meet with them?

They are asking that the TWO of you come to their home. This is your family, the battle is over, and he still digs in his heels- really- for no reason whatsoever. The best you can come up with to explain his behaviour is that he is very protective of you. What is he protecting you from exactly?

For some reason he still sees your family as a threat, and does not wish to accept your family, which is a part of you, and will be a part of you, and your life, until the day you die. Have you considered this behaviour to be a little controlling?

Clearly enough time has passed that to everyone but him, the past is in the past. You want to move on, your parents want to move on, but your boyfriend does not. Either there is more to this, or it is time to face the music, and figure out whether he is going to be a part of your family- even casually for dinner once in a while. What happens when you have children (if you do) with this man. Will he also judge your parents to be not worthy of seeing your children? How long is he going to keep you in the middle of what is no longer a problem.

There needs to be some compromise on his part. If he is unwilling to compromise, your only alternatives are to accept him the way he is, and continue to keep your family at arm's length, or end the relationship.