I'm 19 years old, very pretty (I would say), and take care of myself. I have lived with my boyfriend (age 20) for almost a year now.

At first our sex life was almost every day. Now I'm happy if it happens once a week. If it does, it's 100% initiated by me. When I say initiated, I mean it usually turns into a fight ("not now I'm tired," or "I have stuff to do" or "I just woke up" or "I have a headache") -- any excuse he could have he has used. If I never initiate it, I'm scared it will never happen anymore.

I feel hopeless, but I love our relationship and don't want this to be the deal breaker for us. There isn't anything I haven't tried -- dressed up for him in sexy lingerie, dressed up in costumes, used toys, watched porn with him -- EVERYTHING! He just doesn't ever want to have sex.

He tells me maybe he just isn't as sexual as me, but I refuse to believe that since I'm not even that sexual of a person. I wouldn't even care if it happened only 3-4 times a week. But people say guys think about sex every 52 seconds, and if that's true, that means he's just not thinking about sex with ME. Also let me add, he still has enough sex drive to masturbate at least 4 times a week... because I often see the history on his phone...

What should I do, or what can I do. I want a relationship with sex in it. HELP!

Chicago Girl,

Wecome to this wonderful site, first!

Talk to him. Ask him, does he like sex? Does it give him pleasure, if yeah, how much? Ask him, what thing in life gives him most joy? Which activitiy does he want to do with you, all the time?

Bodily needs differ from person to person. Men are not always thinking about sex all the time, every 7/24. NO. Both men and women have no difference in this regard, and what you heard is just a myth, which stands busted now.

Nothing wrong with him. Some men like to do sex, all the time, as some girls want so. But, one thing you must remember! As you initiate, he hesitates, or finds more joy, when you ask him. It may be the case.

Do one thing. Have a sex holiday, for some days. Make him sex-thirsty for some days. I am sure, one day, he will come to you, will undress you and after caressing your body and 'there' he will... (do whatever you want him to do)

TRY, good luck!

PS - About his masturbation, remember, sex drive can be compensated or quenched by masturbation too. Some people prefer it, but the case may also be that he might come to you after M, and is left with no drive. Asking him can help you, even as a bit! Keep my point in mind too.

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Originally Posted by Kahani Punjab

Do one thing. Have a sex holiday, for some days. Make him sex-thirsty for some days. I am sure, one day, he will come to you, will undress you and after caressing your body and 'there' he will...... (do whatever you want him to do)

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I think, if this backfires and he STILL isn't interested in sex the OP will feel worse about herself than she already does. Game playing in a relationship, whether it's withholding sex or anything else, simply does not work.

I think the OP needs to sit down with the boyfriend and talk to him - presumably she shares his life and his bed and this is just one of many problems, both large and small, that arise in a relationship. Talk to him. Ask him.

When was the last time he had a physical exam? Does he have problems at work or in other areas of his life that are being reflected in your sexual relationship?

And it's not you - it's him, but this is NOT a problem the two of you cannot solve if you are honest with each other.

And, again, withholding sex until he's "sex thirsty" is not the answer. It's not honest and it could be harmful. Game playing simply doesn't work.

What do u mean u seen it on his phone?

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Originally Posted by keona

what do u mean u seen it on his phone?

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Please don't use text speak. It's not allowed.

I have no idea what you are asking. Where do you see something about a phone?

I understand how you feel. I am going through the same problem. I don't know if I should throw this guy out on the street because I can't take much more of this. It's not like this is the first time in our ten month relationship that sex has stopped, it's not. We both stay at home and take care of my elderly father so I know he's not cheating. He read a letter I wrote to him the other night that told him how badly he is hurting me emotionally. I won't cheat on him I love him too much. But that doesn't mean I won't end it. Im 41, he's 34. I want it a lot. Him NEVER. Its been over a month. I expressed in my letter that this will be the last time I mention to him what he is doing (or not doing) to me. I have wasted tens of thousands of dollars supporting this guy. It was his birthday in March and I spent tons on him and made sure he had a blast. Last week for my birthday... no card... barely even dinner, FORGET ABOUT GETTING LAID... Now he wants me to take him on a cruise this December? What? I don't get it. I do everything for him... I get NOTHING IN RETURN... GETTING ANGRY AND TIRED OF IT!

Needinsumlovin,

Welcome to this beautiful site, first!

Well, you have tasted the salt, too much, but I will just give one little understanding that the brains of men and women think separately. Sometimes, men expect women to support, help and stand by them, even to the extent of themselves doing nothing. For men, love is not about showing, they just think that if they love, they are fulfilling their duty. Women want it shown clearly, but men tend to believe (albeit wrongly) that their genuine 'latent' love will come under the eye/scanner of the lady some day, but that day never comes, usually! Your case may be different, but I have given one side of the many.

chicago_girll, people can look at porn and not masturbate. People can think about sex and not feel up to going through the motions either alone or with a partner.

What is your perception of sex? Do you consider it the main/only way that a couple shows love and affection or as something that can enhance the relationship-love and affection can be shown in other ways?

Does he show you affection and love in other ways than sexual? Do you enjoy cuddling, holding hands, being together without thoughts of sex?

How often are you wanting sex? How often do you try to initiate sex? Are you listening to him and his needs or are you making assumptions based on what 'people' say and his phone history?

If he is tired or stressed out (or any of a dozen other factors going on) and he doesn't want sex but you are trying to force the issue, then the pressure to have sex may be causing him to not want it. He may need some time to be with you in a non-sexual way. He may want to feel like he is more than a way for you to get pleasure (you may not mean for it to seem that way, but if you are trying to initiate sex nearly every time you see him, it may be how it seems to him.) Don't be afraid to give him time to initiate intimacy in his own time. When you want it may not be the best time for him. Ask him what he needs.

Communication means that you listen to his needs as well as state your own. Compromise means that you work together to figure out ways to satisfy both of your needs. While there may be times when one person's needs come before the other person's, there should be a way to find a balance for the majority of the time.

I don't find the lack of sex to be the only problem in this relationship. I see a LOT of resentment over finances and general inattention to her needs and wants. Perhaps he's overwhelmed by caring for her father and that's the problem.

Perhaps a face to face sit down and discussion is the way to handle this problem.

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Originally Posted by Kahani Punjab

Needinsumlovin,

Welcome to this beautiful site, first!

Well, you have tasted the salt, too much, but I will just give one little understanding that the brains of men and women think separately. Sometimes, men expect women to support, help and stand by them, even to the extent of themselves doing nothing. For men, love is not about showing, they just think that if they love, they are fulfilling their duty. Women want it shown clearly, but men tend to believe (albeit wrongly) that their genuine 'latent' love will come under the eye/scanner of the lady some day, but that day never comes, usually! Your case may be different, but I have given one side of the many.

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I don't like generalities. I don't think they are much help to anyone and don't address any specific situation. There ARE loving, considerate, vocal men out there. I find: "For men, love is not about showing, they just think that if they love, they are fulfilling their duty. Women want it shown clearly, but men tend to believe (albeit wrongly) that their genuine 'latent' love will come under the eye/scanner of the lady some day, but that day never comes, usually!" NOT to be true.

It's all about opinions and I work in a legal field where it's about the facts and the specific situation, not about generalities.

Bit of clarification: needinsomluvin is not the op. The op, chicago_girll, has not mentioned anything about finances, fathers, etc. Those issues are needinsomluvin's.

needinsomluvin, if you would like help with your issues please begin a thread with your background and what you see as problems in your relationship. We will give you what advice we can that is suitable for your own needs.

Let's keep this thread on track about chicago_girll's problems. Thank you.