Hi

About 6 weeks ago my first ever girlfriend broke up with me for reasons which completely hurt me. I am completing a PhD in Physics, and taking come time to do this. I also suffer a little bit from anxiety, which I take medication for. I am a mad scientist! Lol. Anyway, my ex called me up, crying, and said we had to talk. The next day, she told me that she wanted to end it because she was worried my anxiety was going to make "majof life decisions" stressful for her with me, i.e. I would stress out over e.thing from buying a house to getting married. She was scared of the future with me. She was worried that I stressed out over the PhD too much, and that to her that was only a little thing of life.

This was very hurtful. I pictured a future with her. I had hoped she would support me with my worries and fears and hopes and dreams... and she did not.

Anyway, the next day she called to say she freaked out and wanted to work it our. Needless to say, I was in a terrible state before this, and was very relieved. Then, we gave it a week to settle down, and she called me so say her parents didn't want me staying over at her house (in the spare bed mind you, where I always slept), and she wasn't allowed over to mine. What the?? (they are Italian... any suggestions?? )

I couldn't bear this anymore. For some reason, this did not make me happy. So I told her I couldn't do it anymore. I told her that the whole week had completely screwed with my head, and that I couldn't talk to her for awhile

Now I feel as though I am moving on ,the urge to call her etc is going away. Should I feel bad if I don't want to contact her again? Am I obliged to contact her at all? Even in 6 months? She hurt me badly, gave me hope, then some crap bought it down again. I feel she let me go very easily. :(

I think you should continue to ignore her for awhile. To me the one who sounds screwed in the head is her. She doesn't know what she wants and if she does she can't make a decision without getting permission from her parents.

Ya your too old to deal with someone who still lets there parents run there lives! She thinks it would be hard to deal with you down the road! Imagine how complicated it would be dealing with those parents down the road! I think you made a wise decision!

Her parents controlled her life immeasurebaly. I am 28... she is 21.. . I felt like we were being treated like 16yo kids. He mother would ring at 2am to see where she was. That stopped.. but then certain things cropped up: Her Dad told her she was a piece of s*** if she had been sleeping with me. He told her weekly I was too old for her. I wasn't allowed in her bed room with the door closed. She didn't even seem to challenge these things too hard, despite constantly telling me how much she hated the rules of her life. It was like she couldn't break out and be free. This caused some tension between us.

I guess I feel like that if I HAD gone further down the track with her, these rules would have only increased, and I can see now that I would have become frustrated, as my own family is very liberal and free.

I think the parents had an influence in her decision. I still love her, but I feel talking to her will only remind me of the old times we spent together. Its so hard, I wish she had pushed boundaries (which is what she wanted, to be freer) to help the r.ship. It was always her way in things. I felt my needs were subservient to the rules of her culture.

I feel awful for not talking to her now, but I feel I must look after myself first. Is this OK?

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Originally Posted by ARPES

Her parents controlled her life immeasurebaly. I am 28...she is 21. ..i felt like we were being treated like 16yo kids. He mother would ring at 2am to see where she was. That stopped..but then certain things cropped up: Her Dad told her she was a piece of s*** if she had been sleeping with me. He told her weekly I was too old for her. I wasnt allowed in her bed room with the door closed. She didnt even seem to challenge these things too hard, despite constantly telling me how much she hated the rules of her life. It was like she couldnt break out and be free. This caused some tension between us. ?

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Wow. Is she an only child or were they that over protective with the other kids?

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Originally Posted by ARPES

I feel awful for not talking to her now, but I feel i must look after myself first. Is this ok?

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It is okay and I think it's what best for all parties involved at this time.

Yeah she is the only girl. She has a younger brother. I was her first boyfriend, so I guess the parents didn't really know how to react to an older, non italian guy, as the first boyfriend. I am not what you call dead end material. I was top of the university student, obtaining a uni medal in Physics. I am a competition wood chopper, Im good looking AND nice!! Old people love me! Her Aunts were always telling her off for not breaking loose from the parental control, and they liked me a lot. One told the dad he was a lucky father to have his daughter with me. Now I'm only talking myself up because it's the only thing I can do to make myself feel better, in that I did my best. The only thing I ever did wrong in the r.ship was have an argument with the ex (6 weeks before the break up) for taking life too seriously and not alllowing a sense of fun into the r/ship, with all the rules etc I thought a bit of white lies to the parents would be harmless. Not to be. I wasn't even allowed to go camping with her. She wasn't allowed to stay at mutual friends houses in case there was a party and e.one got drunnk!

Something that makes me feel odd is that she said "I still care about you, so you can call me about anything you want". To which I think, I would, but you're my ex, and you helping me with life matters will only draw me to you, which I how I met and bonded with her in the first place. It's a catch 22... I would love to hear her voice, it's the voise which I turned to for 8 months when I was in need, but is now the voice which will only represent a frustrated dead end for me.

Yeah it's best just to drop it. I imagine I'll be an overprotective father as well but at 21 she sure is being treated like she's 11. But to her dad's credit at least he gives a damn and I'm sure he means well. His results might not be the best but he's at least doing what he feels is best for her.

She sounds like a nice girl and not calling her isn't a punishment for her or revenge it's just something that has to happen for you to move forward. It was good time in your life but you must move forward and grow. For that to happen she can't be there.

The decision to break up at the end was fairly mutual (see first post) because we both agreed the cultural diffs were going to get the better of us. I thought she would be upset and take time out to recover. But then she had the gall to message me 4 days later saying she was going to have a " big nite out on the town for new Years" and that she "got home at 7 in the morning". There was never any regret/missing/angst in any texts, while I poured my heart out for 10 days post-break up saying all sorts of. To me, any contact now seemed to be upsetting, because she seemed like she was indifferent to me. Maybe it was her way of moving on, I don't know. I was upset. I told her this, and she said she promised not to contact me at all. BUT:

Im just a bit scared she will text me one day saying something along the lines of:

"why havent you contacted me....i thought you cared for me....you were my bf.....we had a bond....." etc...

For me, I would find it very hard to explain in words to her why not. I would feel very nervous even getting a text from her. I don't know why, maybe its because Im trying to move forward and it's a tug/reminder from the past, a past which contains some hurt for me.

So... im a bit afraid I'm mis-treating her by this non contact Rule.

If your broken up and trying to move on then how is this mistreating some one? Sometimes others may not agree with your decisions, do you give in to that? Stick by your guns for you and no one else. She is young and confused. Takes time to grow up, but you both will.

I believe you are doing the right thing. Move on cause there is someone out there who would love to help you go what your going through. That is what couples do. They should be there for each other. Please don't feel guilty. Take care of yourself first. You will need to have strength for two people. Yourself and her issues. Relationships are a two way street and parents are usually no help. No one is good enough for a daddy's girl.

I have been in a situation where I left my b/f and when we got back together things were never the same. I think that is a common thing. There is some kind of resentment or mistrust after that happens. Good luck :-) I wouldn't feel too guilty, she hurt you first.

You're doing the exact right thing. Keep on doing it and don't feel guilty about it. She's the one who broke with you, so you don't owe her anything.