Ask Me Help Desk - The blues for rachel

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:confused:
well shortly after our 2 year anniversary just this past October. She broke up with me, sayign she was unhappy. A week later some guy she works with wa sin the picture. We were both crying at the break up and I still pine over her. At first she seemed to resent me somewhat... then as time went on she said she would come back... "but i just need space" she would tell me. The first month she would tell me she doesn't want to be with me... then one day on the phone she said she is still in love withme. Christmas rolled around she says not to read in who she's spending time with she will fix us and see's clarity about us... I moved into a new apartment after we broke up and she came by and I told her I didn't want to see her unless she wanted to gte back with me... she came by anyway... I have been a compekte wreck since then. It has been almost 4 months and I still miss her evry day. I met with a friend of hers one day and she had no idea about all the things she would tell me over email and text message.
my question is is... after 2 years of a relationship with a woman who saw her whole future with me, talked about marriage and everythign else, going cold turkey with a break... will she ever come back? Even though she is dating some new guy, she says she doesn't love him and she still loves me and I still have her heart? What the F*** is that all about? She tells me space and time with bring her back. Her family absolutely loved me and her fam and friends aren't too crazy about him. However, I haven't gioven her the space she askes for.. thats my fault... I just hate not contacting her you know? What should I do to get her back... she is the only woman I have ver dated who I saw my whole life with... most days I feel lost with out her and depressed most of the time... CAN ANYONE HELP??

You got to get your life back. Go down the archive and you will find several good post that will relate to you and help you understand things better. Never underestimate the value of time. When you are missing someone and really hurting for them 4 months can seem like 4 years but in reality its not. Time can do interesting things to women especially if you were a good boyfriend. The ironic thing is that letting her go is probably the only real chance you will have of getting her back down the road. Not saying that should be your reason to let go. Try to get her off your mind, it won't work, keep trying. The worse shape you are in, the more damage contacting her does. It can throw you into decovery faster than a mack truck! She's got a boyfriend right now so you have all the time in the world. Work on yourself and treat yourself like you are the best thing to have ever happened to this planet. You'll start feeling so good you won't be nearly as concerned with whether you guys get back together or not!

It sounds like she may be having second thoughts. But, if she'd have had FIRST thoughts, she wouldn't have met the other guy. So, it sounds like she's setting you up to be the backup guy. After all, if you're her guy, you wouldn't have to write things like

"christmas rolled around she says not to read in who shes spending time with"

And if she really cared about how you felt, you wouldn't write stuff like:

"i told her i didnt wnat to see her unless she wnated to gte back with me...she came by anyway"

If you want to be her back up guy, keep talking to her. If that sounds appealing to you, please consider this problem: she left you once, so why wouldn't she leave you twice?

I'd suggest strict no contact and just don't answer when she calls, writes, texts, etc.

Good luck.

Cut the contact. If she contacts you don't respond. She knows she still has you and it seems like she's keeping around in case things don't work out with the new guy. Look how she's treating you... she's messing with your head and you don't deserve it. Eventually you'll realize this and move on but you'll do yourself a lot of good by not keeping in touch with her. Look at ither posts like this and you'll see the advice is always the same, no contact. And you know what... it works

LJ, I swear this is the most common question here. As Copperhead said, read our archives and you’ll see that your problem is not unique. I think you’ll also learn something about your ex. She’s a user. She uses guys good and well intentioned emotions against themselves. Of course your answer to that is, “No, she’s different, my ex would never do that to me. She loves me too much for that.“ I’m going to attempt to show you, but hopefully if you read some of the other posts you’ll be able to see what were talking about. Because those posts will be from other people and you should recognize right away what’s going on. Many times we can see in other situations but not our own.

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Originally Posted by LoveJones

:confused:
well shortly after our 2 year anniversary just this past october. she broke up with me, sayign she was unhappy. a week later some guy she works with wa sin the picture.

So what that really meant was she had emotionally left you months prior. Well she was emotionally leaving you (but not physically leaving you) she was letting other people know she was available. This guy came along and she was interested so she gave you the ax.

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Originally Posted by LoveJones

we were both crying at the break up and i still pine over her.

She was crying because she’s a woman and they are emotional. You were crying because you were hurt and in shock. The act of crying and the interpretation of what it means between the sexes is night and day. Right or wrong (and quite frankly I think it’s wrong) women see guys crying in these situations as weak. So that probably did not help your cause.

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Originally Posted by LoveJones

at first she seemed to resent me somewhat...

Because you were hanging on and asking her all kinds of questions. You couldn’t accept it and she had already accepted months before she told you.

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Originally Posted by LoveJones

then as time went on she said she would come back...

She sure did. She saw how emotionally wrapped up in her you were. She knew that she could have you at anytime. So you became a back up plan. This guy from work or any other guy was not a sure thing. You were.

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Originally Posted by LoveJones

"but i just need space" she would tell me.

Exactly. She needs space to date others. When those don’t work out then you’re right there to help her pick up the pieces.

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Originally Posted by LoveJones

the first month she would tell me she doesnt wnat to be with me...then one day on the phone she said she is still in love withme.

She’s playing with your emotions. Women are emotional and understand emotions a hundred times better then men do. Your logical mind interrupts that as having a chance. Her emotional mind does it to keep you hanging on, and confusing you.

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Originally Posted by LoveJones

christmas rolled around she says not to read in who shes spending time with

How kind of her. She spent the holidays with someone else and then tells you not to worry about it. Come on you know that isn’t right.

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Originally Posted by LoveJones

she will fix us and see's clarity about us...

Then why is she just talking and not taking any action towards it. The only clarity is her lying.

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Originally Posted by LoveJones

i moved into a new apartment after we broke up and she came by and i told her i didnt wnat to see her unless she wnated to gte back with me...she came by anyway...

Yeah she did and she knew you couldn’t resist her. You should have told to leave at the door.

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Originally Posted by LoveJones

i have been a compekte wreck since then. it has been almost 4 months and i still miss her evry day. i met with a friend of hers one day and she had no idea about all the things she would tell me over email and text message.

Of course she didn’t. She’s not going to tell her friends that she’s stringing you along. That doesn’t make her look like a friendly person. It makes her look like a user, which is exactly what she is.

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Originally Posted by LoveJones

my question is is...after 2 years of a relationship with a woman who saw her whole future with me, talked about marriage and everythign else, going cold turkey with a break....

First talking about marriage doesn’t mean anything. It’s a way for her to get you caught up in her emotional game. In the future if a woman brings up marriage just shy away from it. Let her bring it up several times before you really commit to just the COVERSATION about marriage. By going along with her in the early stages that just tells her that she can have you at a moments notice.

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Originally Posted by LoveJones

will she ever come back??

ABSOLUTELY 100% NO, NEVER.

You need to accept this reality now. This is what you should have accepted months ago. I’m not blaming you because you didn’t know but when a woman wants a space you give her all the space and don’t talk to her at all. This woman is a user. The only time she’d ever consider coming back is if someone she actually like dumped her and she needed a doormat to dump her problems on. But that would only last until she found another girl.

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Originally Posted by LoveJones

even though she is dating some new guy, she says she doesnt love him and she still loves me and i still have her heart?? what the F*** is that all about?

She’s a user. She’s a player. She’s strings your emotions. You her puppet.

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Originally Posted by LoveJones

she tells me space and time with bring her back.

She forgot lottery winnings. That would actually be the only thing bringing her back.

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Originally Posted by LoveJones

her family absolutely loved me and her fam and friends arent too crazy about him.

You can’t listen to family and friends. This is between you and her. That’s just stuff people say for emotional leverage but it doesn’t matter. They can’t change anything.

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Originally Posted by LoveJones

howver, i havent gioven her the space she askes for..thats my fault...

Yes that is your fault but the space should be for you, not for her. She’s gone. So give her the space and heal yourself.

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Originally Posted by LoveJones

i just hate not contacting her you know?

Yeah I know. I’ve been there. I think many guys have. But look at it like this. What has being in contact with her given you? Nothing. Dare I say, it’s made it worse. She has dragged out your emotionally healing progress for the last four months with false promises and flat out lies.

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Originally Posted by LoveJones

what should i do to get her back....she is the only woman i have ver dated who i saw my whole life with...most days i feel lost with out her and depressed most of the time...CAN ANYONE HELP???

First thing. Quit contacting her. Then lose all the photos and any other reminders you have of her. Then focus on several other things you enjoy and keep doing them until this emotional rollercoaster comes down.
I think then when you look back with a clearer mind you’ll see this was over months before you actually found out. I think you also see quite clearly that she is toying with your emotions for her own gain.

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Originally Posted by LoveJones
i moved into a new apartment after we broke up and she came by and i told her i didnt wnat to see her unless she wnated to gte back with me...she came by anyway...

If this doesn't illustrate who is in control and who is being controlled then you will never get it. Not healthy, and I was going to say pathetic, but I'm trying to be compassionate to your feelings. Better pay attention to what chuff has written.

:confused: Ok so this girlt hat some of you may know of is on my mind every single day. We dated for a bit over 2 years and have been broken up since mid October... that was her doing. So yesterday we spoke on the phone and she ends up crying towards the end. However if I make a point that is hard for her to argue she will start yelling at me and I never sa that side of her the whole time dating. She tells me that space will bring her back?? She claims when we don't talk she thinks about what she really wants and misses me more and more... saying she wants to be with me but not right now. She tells me that we are soul mates and that god has a plan for us... ever since then I have become very religious asking god to return her to me. We work out at the same kickboxing place and she tells me we will see each other on mon and wed, like she's doing me a favor? I said well I want more then just a series of mon and wed and memories of you. She said we can get back she can't guarantee when? Of course some other guy is in the picture and she tells me it s a girl thing? I dotn get how this happened and she did a lot of things in this relationship I never had beofre. She had a friend who who are both friends with and her and her boyfriend broke up and got back after almost 2 years and are back together they said they realized they weren't as happy w/o each toher. My ex still tells me not to think she won't come back and that I still own her heart and this was something that needed to happen to make our love stronger then it was? I hate waking up every day missing her and going to bed every night wnating her... still. What should I do? Why dores she give me false hope? She says I see everythign onesided and I just see all the negative and not the positive that can return for us? Will she come back? Should I take her back if she does? Please help??

Well you guys sound pretty serious. I've never really had that relationship with a girl yet, but my suggestion is start small. Maybe some flowers with a note that says I miss you. And eventually, I think you need to grow some balls and show up at her house. From what you've said, it's pretty obvious that she wants you back. You just need to show the same affection towards her. Now you don't want to over do it and barge into her house. I'd say that the worst you could do would be keep calling. It sounds like she still really likes you but she's either embarrassed or can't express her feelings. I mean the best thing for you would be, I know it's going to sound cheesy but just follow your heart. Honestly, if you do that you know you can't go wrong.

Man you need to grow a pair and man up! Soul mates don't lead each other on! Sounds to me like she knows you are great long term material but she wants to have a little fun before she settles down. Either that or she is just trying to let you down easy. Either get yourself together and have a little self respect or just wait for her to kick you to the curb or decide that she is ready to give you the time of day. Once again, if you'r settling for a soulmate that does this too you you are seriously selling yourself short! You need to change your attitude! Good luck!

Hey I bet I can count your girl friends, ready... 0

LJ, did you read any of these posts? Did you read Copperhead's post? His stuff was right on. How about losts? Short and to the point How about my post? Not to pat myself on the back but I thought I was very careful to take the time and spell it out for you. Did you see Tal's post. He points out that your getting used. Now you post this and I have to ask did you read anything prior. This whole post is about her manipulating you. Because she is that girl. She's a user. She sleeps with other guys. She detests you because your weak. This girl will string you along until YOU decide enough is enough. That should have been in October. It's now February. FIVE MONTHS! Five weeks would be bad enough but FIVE MONTHS is absurd. She's trash. I hope you go back and read the posts prior to this one. You got a very good version of me yesterday, and it didn't seem to change your mind so today you get the real deal.

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Originally Posted by LoveJones

:confused: Ok so this girlt hat some of you may know of is on my mind every single day.

She's on your mind because YOU CHOOSE to punish yourself into thinking that if you hold on like this she will see how much you love her and she'll realize that and come back to you and live happily ever after. That's how it works in every movie. If you take out the actors every movie follows a same procedure. So you've been conditioned to believe that what works on TV and in the movies, plus you throw in what women say they want, and you've been conditioned to believe that the good guy always wins in the end. Sometimes she even goes out with the jerk who she slaps in the face or knees in the balls and returns to good guy and the audience leaves happy. Well this is real life and the movie ended 5 months ago. Now your stuck sweeping popcorn (emotional pieces) and let's get real that chore should be done by now.

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Originally Posted by LoveJones

we dated for a bit over 2 years and have been broken up since mid october...that was her doing.

Yes it was her doing. She dropped you for another guy. SHE TOLD YOU THIS! She doesn't see you as anything more than a doormat for her personal problems. To be blunt she sees you as another woman. You are acting like another woman would act. She's a woman so she isn't attracted to that.

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Originally Posted by LoveJones

so yesterday we spoke on the phone and she ends up crying towards the end.

Good.

Let me be clear I'm not telling you to ever purposely go make a woman cry. I'm not telling you to be a complete jerk. But she can cry at a moment's notice to get you to respond.

You should have flat out said, “Of course your crying, you've lost a great guy and now you'll never get him back.” She wouldn't have expected that. Or how about “do you have a towel?” For a manipulator like her she didn't deserve your time but since you insist on giving it to her those would have been appropriate.

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Originally Posted by LoveJones

however if i make a point that is hard for her to argue she will start yelling at me and i never sa that side of her the whole time dating.

It's funny how she can manipulate your emotions through her own. It's like she is a woman and has a complete understanding that you react the same way to anything she says in the same way. In other words you have behavioral patterns and she figured them out and she manipulates you based on your response with her emotional states.

If your not going to leave, which you should, the next time she yells at you flat out tell her that if she wants to be a then tell it to her boyfriend. If she gets more upset talk back to her. Hold your ground. The problem is you never have. NEVER. So she manipulates you emotionally.

She probably tries that with her boyfriend, you remember him - the guy she cheated on you with then dumped you for, and is having sex daily with. Well anyway she tries her little games with him and he doesn't put up with it. But you do don't you. You are her emotional doormat. That is exactly how she sees you.

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Originally Posted by LoveJones

she tells me that space will bring her back???

Doormat.

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Originally Posted by LoveJones

she claims when we dont talk she thinks about what she really wants and misses me more and more...

Doormat

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Originally Posted by LoveJones

saying she wnats to be with me but not right now.

Doormat

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Originally Posted by LoveJones

she tells me tht we are soul mates and that god has a plan for us...

Doormat.

And I don't like speaking for God but the big guy is channeling me to tell you that if that skanky, slutty, stinking, two bit, nickel and dime whore is using God's name to keep you hanging on then she's many things I can't write because it would get edited right off the page. Let's just say the words start with the letter C and I'm not being overly critical because she's used God as a way to keep a good man hanging on and she's done this for 5 months after the relationship ended and 2 years prior to that.

I'm sure I'll be in trouble again for that but hey, it's the truth.

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Originally Posted by LoveJones

ever since then i have become very religious asking god to return her to me

Okay seriously. Do you think God created you to punish you like this? If anything God put her in your life so that you can see what some woman are like if you don't stand up for yourself. If anything God put this obstacle in your life so that you could learn from it. Are you?

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Originally Posted by LoveJones

we work out at the same kickboxing place and she tells me we will see each other on mon and wed, like shes doign me a favor?

Switch your classes to Tues and Thurs.

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Originally Posted by LoveJones

i said well i wnat more then just a series of mon and wed and memories of you.

Why? What about the memories of her screaming that other guys name when she's nailing him. What about the memories of her cheating on you? What about the memories of the emotional torture she's put you through? What about you? Why does she matter at all? Have you ever once stopped in the last 2 and half years and just said “How does this make me feel?” And if the answer is, “It sucks” then how about not following through and doing what you want for once. There is give and take in a relationship, but not at the expense of yourself. You get something back in return.

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Originally Posted by LoveJones

she said we can get back she can't gaurantee when?

Doormat.

Of course she can't. Because then her game is over.

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Originally Posted by LoveJones

of course some other guy is in the picture and she tells me it s a girl thing??

The guy she dumped you for. Remember that's what happened. Get a clue here.

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Originally Posted by LoveJones

i dotn get how this happened and she did a lot of things in this relationship i never had beofre.

Yeah like end so she could screw someone else. Good times.

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Originally Posted by LoveJones

she had a friend who who are both friends with and her and her boyfriend broke up and got back after almost 2 years and are back together they said they realized they werent as happy w/o each toher.

Big deal. Those are two different people. Did the girl in that relationship use him for 2 years then drop him to have sex with another guy? If so I feel sorry for that dude, because history repeats itself.

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Originally Posted by LoveJones

my ex still tells me not to think she wont come back and that i still own her heart and this was somethign that needed to happen to make our love stronger then it was??

For the love of God. Do you have a pair of balls?

Dude, I'm an extremely emotional guy and most guys would find it pathetic some of the stuff I've done and allowed to happen but I've never let a girl string me along for 5 months then tell me that a break up that involved her screwing another guy, and telling me that it was for my own good to strengthen our relationship. I've never let it get that far.

IT'S F**KING OVER! IT WAS F**KING OVER MONTHS BEFORE SHE ENDED IT! QUIT TALKING TO HER!

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Originally Posted by LoveJones

i hate waking up every day missing her and goign to bed every night wnating her...still. what should i do??

QUIT F**KING TALKING TO HER!!

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Originally Posted by LoveJones

why dores she give me false hope?

SHE'S A WHORE. SHE USES PEOPLE!

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Originally Posted by LoveJones

she says i see everythign onesided and i just see all the negative and not the positive that can return for us??

Of course she does. It's all your fault. It's your fault she dropped you. It's your fault she's a whore. It's your fault she's sleeping with that guy. She had nothing to do with it. Good God. And not the God she cites.

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Originally Posted by LoveJones

will she come back? should i take her back if she does?? please help?!?!

No. Never. She's gone, and your lucky but you don't even know it. Your lottery winning lucky and you haven't the slightest clue.

Hey Chuff, that is great! I think you put the nail in the coffin! I need to figure out how you guys are doing this quoting stuff! How about this cat disagreeing with me an taking a shot at me! Too funny! Lol

Chuff, I just went back and reread what you wrote and that my friend is excellent! Pretty hardcore but sometimes you just got to beat it in there head! Great work! Occasionally you have to get a little hard on here to make sure they get the point! Nice!

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Originally Posted by Copperhead6

Hey Chuff, that is great! I think you put the nail in the coffin! I need to figure out how you guys are doing this quoting stuff!

I hope so. This guy needs to wake up yesterday.

As for the quotes go to the quote user button at the bottom of the post. That will give you a quote for the whole text. If you want to separate quotes like I do then you have to move the text in between the "quote boxes." I have no idea what there called but you'll see what I'm talking about when you do it.

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Originally Posted by Copperhead6

How bout this cat disagreeing with me an taking a shot at me! Too funny! lol

That guy is a tool. He hasn't a clue what he's talking about. Fourteen with no experience in the real world telling you that you don't know about women when he's never been with one. Pathetic. I only wish I had a resource like this site when I was that age.

You were dead on the OP does need to grow a pair because this woman is killing him slowly each day and he doesn't have the slighest clue it's happening. I really don't think he knows how lucky he is not to have her, I wasn't being sarcastic when I said he was lottery winning lucky not to have her. I hope someday he'll see that.

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Originally Posted by Copperhead6

Chuff, I just went back and reread what you wrote and that my friend is excellent! Pretty hardcore but sometimes you just got to beat it in there head! Great work! Occasionally you have to get a little hard on here to make sure they get the point! Nice!

Thank you. To be honest I know some people (including myself at times, believe it or not) cringe when I say some of the things I do but sometimes people need a verbal slap to the face to wake up. I don't wish any harm on that guy at all. But I, nor anybody else can say the same things he's been hearing for 2 and half years and especially in the last 5 months and make him wake up. Sometimes you just have to come out verbally swinging. You have to jolt somebody into realizing what is really going on.

I'm an emotional man and I've never been as far gone as he is. So I really feel for him. He's hurting but being a hanger on isn't going to help him at all. In fact it just makes it worse. Getting dumped is one thing, we've all been dumped in the long run it's not that big of a deal. It is in the moment but in the long run it's not but this guy has been holding on for 5 months and she wasn't worth it to begin with. She left him for another guy.

I tried to be nice about it in my original post and I as I pointed out so were you, lost, and Tal but he then put up another post and didn't get it at all. So the gloves were off. And when I say that I'm not trying to fight him, I'm trying to fight his emotions to get him to wake up. I think I'm misunderstood at times but if I say the same thing that stupid kid says then this guy will hold on with false hope until she gets married to another guy.

Sometimes you have to be the bad guy to be the good guy and I guess that's what I was trying to get across.

OK so I was with my girfriend for 2 1/2 years. We wre what most people considered the happiest couple ever. We recently broke up back in late October of 2006. I was shocked when she broke up with me and went through depresion sadness didn't eat, lost weight all that. Its been almost 4 months and I have the gardest time dealing with it still. We talk here andther ebut tis mostly my initaiting the calls texts emails etc. she tells me she needs space from me which I feel is ttoal bull. But says space will bring her back. Is that true? I have tried and most days can't go a day without feeling some neeed to contact her. When we do talk she makes all these promises of coming back and if I get a little stern she will cry and say she wants all that and is confused. However, there eis some other guy involvee in the picture... pretty much immediately after we broke up. Over christmas she said she had clarity of us and was going to fix us. Well that came and went and here we are. Today was icing on the cake... her grandma is in the hospital and I just always thoguth after all we been through she would want to coem tome for support? So I touched on that how I want to be there for her and then we ended up arguing and I said you are never going to coem back and I keep trying and nothing work... so ill stoip trying I know you dotn want me back... she screams out yes I do. Then text me I care about you so much sweet heart. Then I get home I have an emai, from her explaining her terrible day then she tells me she will call me tomorrow. I texted not to bother because you don't treat people you claim you are still in love with like this? Well erlier I had asked her to dinner and she said oh not tonight I'm tired just want to go home... but all along its because she refuses to tell me this ahole is coming over? So during this time why does she repeatedly tell me she wants me back and does nothing about it... and... is it possible she wants to come back but just not rready... and should I take her back... even though, I relly want her back! What the hell should I do?
Tjheres way more to it, but that's it in a very big nutshell

WELL... umm have you tried listening to her? Like actually giving her space, it sounds like there's A lot of confusion in her life and its easier to straighten things out when your not directly being faced with the problem. She obviously has really mixed feelings about you and she needs to sort them out, and with this other guy she also doesn't know what she wants. You really need to give her space, if you don't she will resent you for it. I know its hard but just try, keep busy try to get your mind off stuff. Then when she contacts you BE SUPPORTIVE, being a jerk and acting like it will get you NO WHERE in her mind, she's really fragile and just a little thing can totally turn her opinion of you around in her head, so if you nice she will like you if your not she will hate you.

As for you, you really need to find something to get your mind off her, mabye if you get involved in something productive, like frisbee, or friends, anything really, just something that keeps you occupied and such.

Dude it may sound harsh but wake up... this girl is treating you like crap. She doesn't love you. She may care about you but she doesn't want to be with you at all, especially with the way you've been acting... being all needy and all. Screw her and the other guy you don't need them, focus on yourself. You said she wants space... fine give it to her, give her all the space possible space you can by not talking to her. No contact, at all whatsoever. It's the only way you'll get over her. She messin with your head and is probably only saying those things because if things don't work out with the new guy she knows she has you to fall back on. Sorry if it sounded mean but I was in your position before and I needed to get yelled at (many times) before it actually sunk it. Ask yourself... is she really worth all your going though. Honestly if you think about it and about what she's put you through, you'll see that the answer is that she's not. Cut contact, walk away and keep your head up... there's many more and much better girls out there trust me

She says she needs space, because she's confused. Give it to her. Will she come back? I don't know, but I do know that it worked for me. I left my boyfriend of two years and moved to Jersey. Sadly, we decided to sep, but continued contact. We both ended up dating other people (without telling each other), BUT we BOTH found that we are madly in love with each other! Sometimes women start to feel lost in the relationship like that is "who she is", and if you're not able to be EVERYTHING she's ever dreamed she starts to resent you and push away. It is an excuse, but not intentionally. Let her go and figure out who she is. Figure some things out yourself. It is only then that the two of you can move forward in this relationship. She needs a change. He more you smother her, the more she will stray. Give her space, and she will be crazy to know how/what you're doing with your time. It will be good for both of you.

Honestly, it sounds like another woman too afraid to tell the truth... Best walk away, and fast. If she loves you, she'll come back. If she doesn't, you'll know you did the right thing.