So I'm sure I sound like a fool, but is it possible to stay with someone if she's cheated on you AND your sex life is non-existent?

So the backstory is, I'm in a very long-term relationship, been with the same girl for many years now. The problem is, our sex life just hasn't been good and (hard to determine if this was the cause or effect) she recently strayed and carried on a somewhat emotional and somewhat physical relationship with another guy. It ended after it came out before it could escalate to anything really serious (i.e. No sex). I considered breaking up at the time but we talked it through and somehow I found it in myself to try fixing things.

Now some time later, it seems like we're back to square one. We're "happy" but there's a lot of complacency. Again we're hardly physical and I feel like that's a recipe for one of us to stray (in my case, I'd feel justified as "revenge"). The thing is, as simple as it sounds to end it, we've been together nearly 8 years and still love each other. We're also the best of friends and honestly I can't see myself getting along with anyone else as we do.

Now that said, is it obvious that we're at the end of the road or can we salvage this? I'm not biased one way or another... Please help!

I also wanted to add that we're so beyond serious that everyone assumes we'll be engaged any day now (though we won't be, obviously). We've talked through marriage and kids and everything, and are totally on the same wavelength in every other way (how we want to raise our kids, how many we want, etc etc etc)

The thing is, can we be happy going the way we're going? And if we did break up, really would that kill the chance of getting back together if we each start dating others?

Hi ejkjones,

I think you have become very best friends,8 years is a long time,every thing has become the norm',bedroom department has become stale, your whole relationship needs the spark putting back

Some couples who have been married a long time, plod on in this way for years,you are almost married apart from the ceremony,years have slipped by and you've become complacent.Time to do something about it, if you want your relationship to last.

My advice would be to talk to each other first, find out ,if you can, where the problems are,what you would like to change in your relationship for the better,things you both dis-like about your relationship.
How you can change things for the better and move foreword.

Talk about each of your sexual needs, what you desire in the bedroom,how you can spice things up to please each other.
If this is difficult go to a sex therapist who will guide you down the right path to each of your sexual needs,this is where I think your problems are.

Put the romance back:flowers,candle lit dinner,bottle of wine,there doesn't have to be a reason.Both of you need to work at this if you want to succeed for the future.

It seems that every other part of your relationship apart from the sexual side is 100%, so sort out the bedroom and I'm sure things will be fine.

After 8 years you should be resolving any problems you have through honest communications.

How old are you both and why have you not married after 8 years??

Doesn't sound like you've been happy for a while.

No, intimacy or communication for a long time. She's already gone, looking elsewhere.

You should have used your gut before. Like you said.
Nows the time.

The investment is in the past. Sucks I know. Been there a number of times. Don't dwell on that.
Time to cut the cord. And face reality.

Start living for you, not her.
Part ways.

Don't forget to figure yourself out before the next girl. That's important.
What exactly it is you want. Not then, now. And later.

Were here for you.

Wow thanks everyone... really appreciate that there are others out there willing to help out.

To answer some of the questions asked... We are in our mid/late 20's. We've been together since 2nd year of college. As far as why we aren't married yet, I think we both always felt that urge to date others, just to be "sure", since we spent our entire twenties together! But we never pulled the trigger to take a break. Maybe that was the problem, which resulted in urges happening and what she did.

The advice seems divergent though - one piece telling me to call it quits, the other saying we should work it out! Very confused :( We actually have tried therapy and it's been helpful to work things out but not at all in the bedroom. It just doesn't feel like she's trying... like after all that's happened, you'd think she'd have made a HUGE effort to repair things in the bedroom, but she hasn't!

And her not being turned on or in the mood has made me turned off too. She says she "needs me to help her get there" (do things to turn her on), but it's hard for me after all these years to rekindle a fire. I think I also feel like because she cheated on me, that I deserve for HER to be the initiator... but it doesn't seem to be working that way. And me not being excited to romance her means she's not turned on (even though she offers stuff like oral sometimes)... and her not being turned on means I'm not. It's a sick cycle and I'm not sure either of us is able (or willing?) to make it work.

The problem is, when I even THINK about breaking it off, I have a sinking feeling in my stomach as I imagine all our good times together and just begin to weep to myself. No idea what to do...

"we both always felt that urge to date others, just to be "sure","
8 years of that?

All of that history seems bad from the start.
You are in for the wrong reasons. So is she.

Doesn't sound like either one of you were jumping up & down about it. The whole time.

Glad you finally realized that. Congrats. What's next?

Don't waste the next 8. What exactly do you want?
Should have, could have would have.

If you want to breakup, then do it.

The keyword here I was looking you to say was that you love her, but I don't see you mention it anywhere.
YOU need to ask yourself that question 1st?
If you do still love her and like you say feel sick in your stomach when you think of not being with her then you owe it to yourself to try work on things.
Ask yourself, have you truly forgiven her for cheating? Could it still be inhibiting your relationship.
You said that she carried out 'a somewhat emotional relationship' with this guy.. one of the main reasons women do this is because she is not getting something from your relationship.
You should take it upon yourself to pick one night each week (try to vary the night everyweek) and do something romantic & out of the ordinary for you both as a couple. It could be a romantic homecooked meal & dvd, dine out, take her on a drive & maybe a small picnic (could be a daytime drive or night time drive under the stars) get her flowers for no reason and have them delivered to work (women love being made a fuss over), get tickets to her favourite show, whisk her on a weekend away together & book a hotel.. look it doesn't have to be anything expensive but just showing you can make the effort will definitely lead to some changes. Take baby steps and it may just spice things up in the bedroom again. She should respond well to these things, to see that you can still make the effort should in turn lead her to make the effort too.

There's no point in just waiting for the inevitable to happen because I guarantee you that if you continue to do nothing then that's exactly what will happen.
You'll never know if you don't try.
8yrs is a long time, I bet you forgot what even drew you two together in the 1st place?
If this doesn't seem to work & your feelings don't change then you know what the answer is...