I am a 29 year old Gay Male, (don?t know if you can help but would appreciate it)? So My ex and I have been doing well since breaking up over a month ago, we have been trying to be friends, etc?It has been a little hard for me since I still have feelings for him and really like him. I notice that the more time I spend with him the more I like him... The only reason he says he broke up with me (which even then I had to coax it out of him because he was being distant) was because he was unemployed, living with his step mom and dad (in a toxic environment) and needed to focus on himself and getting his life in order first before dating. He did say I was perfect, everything he ever wanted in a guy was in me and the only reason we broke up was for that reason cited above... He told me I deserve more, I deserve someone who can give me 100% and that he just can?t give me 100% right now as his life was well, a mess (understandably so). Since then he has moved out and moved in with friends, and has been interviewing for jobs...

So, we have been hanging out as friends, etc... This past Friday night we met up with a group of my friends, and later he asked me to go home with him. Of course I thought he was joking and said yeah OK sure thing dude... etc etc... He rationalized "Well, if we are supposed to go to the beach early Sat you can stay the night that way we can wake up and go." I was drunk... my emotions got the best of me... I agreed and decided to go spend the night with him. Anyway, we were laying in bed, far apart, he rolls over starts holding me, then came the kissing... which inevitably led to well you know what.

I mean sure I don't regret it, what guy doesn't like sex? The things is that I am SO VERY disappointed in myself and upset and confused because I really like him. I don?t know what to do, what to say, if I should bring it up or what? I really wanted to be friends with him, but after this I almost want to say to him that I don?t want to be just a lay for him when he wants, its like he wants the perks of a relationship: the intimacy, companionship, sex... but with out the relationship boundaries... like he wants to have his cake and eat it too... That Fri night I asked him again... "So now that we are friends we can talk about things and I won?t get hurt, why did you break up with me again?" He responded defensively: "You already know why, I told you..." To which I decided to diffuse the situation immediately and said not to worry about it, that we didn't?t need to talk about it.

WHAT DO I DO?! Yeah, I may be gay, but I am still a guy, and guys are confusing even to another dude? DO I wait until the timing presents itself to where bringing this up would make sense or other wise ignore it? Or do I go out of my way to address it? Today is Monday, and it has been 2 days (Friday/Saturday) since all this happened. I thought I would be able to handle this, but my emotions have got the best of me. Sure, I have had friends with benefits, no strings attached fun, and like most guys can separate sex/fun from something meaningful but I can?t see myself doing that with him because of the fact that I am still romantically interested/attracted to him.

This is eating me up and sucks royally.

Any insight would be awesome! Thanks?

When couples split, for whatever reason, seldom can a friendship work. It is difficult all the way around because like you've said, a casual relationship or friendship, does not have the boundaries of a relationship, which exclusively involves much more than friendship.

Add to the confusion is that you have mutual friends and activities, and you will be drawn to each other under such circumstances, because you don't wish each other harm, but yet, have not fully realized your independence from each other. Sometimes losing a lover, also means moving in different circles to avoid pain, disappointment, and bad decisions made on the fly- i.e. fueled by alcohol.

A month is not long enough to recover from a broken relationship. It is the very beginning. Even if a friendship would work, a month is not long enough to consider having a friendship with a former lover. Only when you have recovered from one type of relationship, can you even entertain the idea of having another serious relationship, or 'friendship'.

Consider this a little bit of a relapse. Under these circumstances, your resolve is not as strong as it should be. Make sure it doesn't happen again. Set some boundaries- no sleepovers, no 'couples' dates such as hitting the beach. If you can curtail your activities where you know he will be, do so. Allow yourself time to reflect on, and accept that the relationship is over. (for whatever reason)

If you need to tell him that you no longer wish to socialize with him, drink with him, stay over at his house, or be a friend to make your boundary clear, then by all means do so. Think of yourself right now, and try your best to allow enough time so that you are confident, independent, and settled with the fact that the relationship, is over.

You will know when you can accept that, and let go of what was. You will also probably accept that any sort of friendship with him is not a good idea, except very casually when you both happen to be at the same place at the same time.

You will recover and move on, and with any luck from what you've learned, you will find another man that is better suited to a long term relationship.

All the best of luck to you. Stay strong.

Wow, you are very wise and that was fantastic advice. It is almost as though I know what you are saying, but it is still very hard to make a decision. My judgment is clouded. It is especially difficult not because of the mutual friends (luckily we have no mutual friends, my friends hate him now because of the heart ache they have seen me go through) but because the gay community tends to be SOO SMALL... especially in South Florida. We all are limited to a small amount of clubs and bars, so it is definitely unavoidable to bump into each other.

I see what you are saying and do agree. In some respect, it is almost as though maybe I am afraid to let go? By attempting to hold onto this 'friendship' (which may subconciously be me holding onto what ever extension of the relationship or it's remnants) I am in the long run only hurting myself.
I still do not know whether to No contact him for now and bring it up when warranted or completely drop him and ignore him? He hasn't done anything ill tempered or anything mean or wrong towards me hence my deep desire to remain friends...

A relationship is very different than a friendship; two separate things. I think personally it is impossible to modify a relationship into a friendship without first letting go of what was. Just my experience that hanging on to what was, or hanging on to see what could become, does not put you in a very good place to make a wise judgment.

It is never, ever easy to let go. Maybe it is more difficult because there is no hate or animosity between you. The 'end' doesn't always end badly- and that is a testament to both you and him, that you didn't harm each other.

Because the relationship is over, and you are struggling over no contact with him, there is no reason why you cannot email, if face to face is too difficult and raw right now. Whatever feels right and comfortable for you is what matters. I do agree that its probably a wise idea to let him know that you are no longer available. You aren't ignoring him by dealing with him, and at the same time, you are taking control, and eliminating any further possible slips. If he's not anticipating you being 'weak' and therefore available, you will be that much more confident.

Time and distance is your best friend right now.

Jake, I agree with you. I definitely rather speak to him face to face. I mean, we broke up over the phone because of the distance of where we live, but this time around I almost rather do it in person, for closure.
I feel as though with an email, he would be more apt to ignore it, not respond, or well, not acknowledge it.
I think for closure purposes, face to face, will force him to face what it is that I am saying and have a dialogue with me. I just am afraid to bring it up. Like what do I say? How should I bring it up? I want to wait a little so I feel a little better... before approaching him... but when does waiting become too long? I don't want to risk giving him the wrong impression, that after the 'sex' I just decided to drop off the face of the Earth when we had been in contact some what regularly... Time and Distance are most definitely my best friends right now, but when does it become too much? Am I just pathetically holding onto something that isn't there? He did solidfy that he IS NOT looking to date (even though I am "perfect" and embody every quality in a guy he has wanted)...

I think that if you decide to accept and recover from the relationship breakup, the only person you have to answer to is yourself. While you are considering him as a part of this process- i.e. risk giving him the wrong impression for example, you are not making a firm decision to move on with your life.

He too has to learn that when he decided to end things with you, he should not be expecting any consideration, conversation, explanation, or input into the future of a possible relationship, or to provide you with any more information than you already have. That at one time he considered you perfect, no longer matters.

Try to think of yourself now, as single. Any unfinished business or questions you have will not ever be addressed in a meaningful way. Had your partner truly wished to maintain the relationship, he would have. But he did not. Even if a year or two down the line, he rings you up to go for coffee, and has grown as a person and lived to regret his decision with you- it is still a long shot things would ever work out. By then you will have survived and surpassed all the hurt you are going through now.

We all hang onto 'what was' at some point in a relationship that has ended. When the breakups are not mutually decided and amicably resolved, one party- on the receiving end of the breakup- inevitably has the bigger adjustment to make because of all the questions of what went wrong, and why. The person doing the breaking up, had the advantage of surprise and were prepared for the end. Being shocked at not seeing it coming, naturally you try to make sense of it.

My advice to you is the same. Give yourself time and distance; your behaviour alone will speak volumes, and staying strong, accepting the past is now in the past, and moving forward living your life, is the best possible thing you can do for yourself. You are the one healing, and accepting that you won't get the answers you need, and will just have to learn to go on without the understanding you want or need.

I really do feel for you, it is hard to sift through all the emotion, and nobody just 'gets over' something so serious. It takes time.

Jake, you are right. It is sad, but I know what you say to be the truth. You can't always be friends with your ex, and well, even if the break up was forseen by me, and ended on good terms, the fact remains that it won't be easy to set aside my feelings for him. I mean I feel ridiculous seeing that this relationship only lasted a whole month! I am a 29 year old male, he is 30, I have had a 4 year relationship and never, ever thought that in just one month two people could have such a strong connection and that it could be so difficult to deal with the break up. It is what it is, I know I have the support of my friends. Like you said, I should be considering his feelings, but I am not a jerk... I feel awful knowing that I have been there for him since the break up, while he was displaced from his home because of a bad fight with his homo phobic step mom and father, the awkward situation where he had to stay with his ex previous to me, and all a while I have helped him look for work, and set him up on several interviews... shame on me for helping so much, but that is just in my nature, I do care about him and wanted to help him selflessly, so now I fear that going from one extreme (all that which I described, I was the only person there for him) to a complete disconnect... again... I hear myself and it is almost as though I am making excuses. I think you are absolutely right, perhaps I do need to just sever all ties, as much as it hurts.

If he is truly a friend, he would understand that you need both time and space to heal from the breakup, and wouldn't keep you around and keep hurting you to meet his needs. A friend will be there waiting when you come through the hurt. If he can't accept that you cannot heal properly as long as you are still so involved with him, it may be time to consider if he is such a good friend or worth working for.

Unless you cut contact, get healthy emotional through a proper healing, you will continue to struggle with your own feelings, so just do the No Contact, no matter what he thinks, or anyone else.

This is about your wellbeing right now, and No More Contact is what YOU need.

I see what you are all saying Talaniman, and Kcommisong... I do agree that no contact would be good, but I just can't let go of him. I really want to remain friends with him... and we went from talking, and hanging out, etc... (which I guess wasn't healthy since we really haven't had a clean break since breaking up) so I don't want to just go cold, and disappear and ignore him. I feel like that just would not be fair... (if that makes any sense). After a few days to think about this and pine over it, I really have come to the conclusion that I want to talk to him. I feel like I need to get it off my chest. I am conflicted because of advice I get (and yes I know ultimately I need to decide for myself) but some advice from friends say to ignore what happened, sweep it under the rug and continue being friends, and if it ever comes up or I find myself in that situation again THEN confront it... I don't know if I can do that. I feel like I need to just get it out in the open so that it is clear from the get go that NO, we can't be friends with benefits if we aren't dating we are just friends. Especially since I feel like something as intimate as the sex should be acknowledged and not just ignored... We haven't spoken at all since then except on for Sunday (the day after) when I texted to invite him to the beach had a few exchanges of texts and then no reply from him when I asked how church was... I know this sounds PATHETIC seeing that I am 29 (but I do over think things)... what Should I do to confront him? Call him up and invite him for a drink and speak in person? I almost feel like I rather speak in person about this as opposed to over the phone... or should I just do it over the phone? I feel like these things are better in person, but if he isn't able to meet up should I just do it over the phone? I feel like a freaking teenager again. Any words of wisdom? Experience? I mean we broke up on good terms because like mentioned earlier he wasn't ready to date, but that doesn't mean I am going to wait around for him to be ready... I like to remain friends with someone unless given a good reason why we shouldn't be. We still have a great time together always, no matter what, we make each other laugh, speak about intellectual things, but of course... there is still an attraction there.

I will give you a good reason why you should go No Contact. Because you cannot control your emotions with this fellow and keep things in there proper perspective to make good decisions about your behavior with him, because he stirs some intense feelings in you. You cannot let go because you don't want to, and want him to stay in your life. WHY?

Until you can let go and get some control, then you will never find anything better, or explore other options and opportunities at having something better because false hope, and intense feelings will always drag you back to him. If not physically, emotionally. It will hurt even more when he doesn't need you, if he becomes occupied with something else of a higher priority than you.

Give yourself a chance of a proper healing, by being willing to let go, long enough to get your own head together. Then a truly great friendship will be possible. No Contact is not the end of something you hold dear, it's the beginning of a process that allows you to breath and make better decisions for yourself, based on FACTS, and not just feelings. Then you can make adjustments so you can thrive and survive in your own life, without conflict, confusion, misery, and pain, through friends family and activities that you enjoy.

And you can look around, and realize your other options, and opportunities to be happy, and healthy. You can let go, change, or do anything you want to. That's freedom. Saying you can't let go is NOT. That's obsession, or insanity, doing the same thing over and over, and expecting different results. That's not healthy.