I?m a freshman in college. The initial transition went really well; I made a bunch of new friends, including this guy Evan who?s now like the brother I never had. However, my schedule for my meds has been wonky since I got here (I take Zoloft for depression and anxiety) and I missed the first two weeks. I fell into one of my old ruts my third week up here, and that lasted about a week, until I hooked up with a female friend of mine for a couple of days before calling it off. For whatever reason, that helped get me back on track, and things went back to normal. Then last week, I missed my meds two days in a row, and then I fell into another rut for a little bit, but that really diminished this weekend through Monday. However, a few days ago I woke up with all these weird, uncomfortable thoughts, like stupid random things that pop into peoples heads normally, only?I couldn?t fight them, and they like burrowed into my brain in a way that really freaked me out. I had random thoughts about suicide in general, and about doing?inappropriate things with friends, including Evan; the latter freaked me out more than the first, because normally if I have weird thoughts like that I can just brush them off, cause I know it means nothing. But in the state I was in, I began hyper-analyzing all of my thoughts, and searching for reasons for everything. It freaked me out, and now I?m obsessing over those random thoughts. I know I?m not gay, I?ve seriously considered it before and it?s just never been something that I was concerned about. But now, if I try to think about doing anything physical with anyone, guys or girls, it makes me nervous and supremely anxious, and I can?t eat or sleep. I have no idea what?s wrong with me now, and I?m terrified. I can't get the thoughts about being gay out of my head, even though only sex with girls turns me on and the thought of anything with guys does nothing for me. I feel like I don?t belong in my skin, and I can?t stand it. Please?someone help?

It sounds like your mind is confusing physical and emotional intimacy.

You say that you care about Evan like a brother. That is a very strong bond and friendship. Your brain was misfiring and confusing that brotherly love and affection with the feelings you have for females. Now that your brain is getting back under control, your anxiety is keeping the doubts and fears alive.

Try not to allow yourself to focus on them. Think about other things instead. Take control of the fear and don't allow it to control you.

Do you have therapist or counselor you can talk to who might be able to give you more guidance on a more personal level?

I do, but I can't get in to see anyone until the 18th... and these thoughts are getting worse. I don't feel any sort of physical attraction towards guys, but when I try to relax with either the concept of being gay or being straight, I get nervous and anxious. I can't stop running scenarios through my head to prove I'm not gay, but the more I do, the less comforting they become, until they get no reaction at all, neither positive nor negative, which is confusing me even more. It's like I've flatlined, and can't get myself out of this funk and back to normal...

Oh my Gosh Wolfman. My meds really screw up my head, and my "lack of" Sex life. Some days I think this is the only way I lasted so long with being a virgin. I tried to get off them, but that made me sooo sick. I think as long as you surround yourself with great people you should feel more comfortable about maybe possibly being bI-sexual. Do you live in a city where being gay isn't accepted? Ugh, people can be so close minded. Makes me so sad. I am putting together a support group for Gay men who haven't came out yet. If you are interested, let me know!

Okay, I think you miss my point. I'm not gay. These thoughts not only feel wrong, they're disturbing. I feel sick to my stomach whenever they show up, and they're repulsive to me. I'm not homophobic by any means, I have a few gay family members and friends, and I rally for gay rights all the time, but these thoughts don't FEEL right. I've never felt the slightest compulsion before, and even now, there's no compulsion. The thoughts feel like foreign invaders, destroying every ounce of comfort I have. I have an anxiety disorder that causes me to react poorly with stress, and last week I began obsessing over every weird thought in my head. I'm looking for advice on coping with intrusive thoughts, I know I'm not gay. That's why this is driving me insane... I don't feel like myself at all. This isn't me. I can feel that, and I hate it.

I don't mean to sound antagonistic, I know you're trying to help, but... these thoughts aren't normal for me. I've always known who I am; I've had to, to survive constant bullying and verbal abuse as a kid. I'm insular by nature, and I've always been confident about myself and who I am on the inside. These ideas and thoughts... they don't feel right. They're not... ME. And I can tell. I don't know if that makes sense... but that's the only way I can describe it. To be fair, I'll consider your advice and the whole bi thing, but... I doubt that. This isn't who I am. That's why it's so scary. I feel like something is crawling under my skin, into my brain and heart and attacking me where it hurts most, and I'm defenseless to stop it. The only time I'm ever calm is if I think about being with girls (that started late this weekend/today) but the comfort never lasts. It's as if I'm staring at myself while, drowning underneath a sheet of glass, and try as I might

I can't reach out for the safety of my own identity. Instead, I'm floundering and being suffocated by something that shouldn't be there.

Wolfman, slow down. You're allowing your anxiety to run away with you. When other things cause you to spiral out of control, how do you normally get that control back?

Even if you can't get in to see someone before the 18th, can you talk to someone on the phone?

Take your mind totally off sex when the thoughts start occurring. Think about (or actually do) other things you enjoy doing. If that doesn't help, physical exertion can be a good way to tire the mind and the body and help you gain control. Reading, puzzles, games, etc. can get your thoughts channeled into less self-destructive patterns.

What are some other ways you can help yourself?

I'm going to try calling tomorrow, I haven't yet because it seemed like I was starting to improve a bit. I've been playing a lot of video games, and reading and watching some old movies I love, but... it's like my mind connects things I do sometimes to my worries, which brings them back in full force. I haven't worked out in over a week because of anxiety leaving me absolutely without motivation, but I'm forcing myself to run and do some other exercises tomorrow. I'm so sorry I'm being completely irrational on you guys... I've just never faced anxiety or fear like this before. I keep focusing on sex a lot of the time to try and think myself out of this, but... it's clearly not helping.

No need to be sorry. You're reaching out and that shows you are being a lot more rational than you might feel like you are. Keep this in mind, sexuality is something a lot people can become irrational about especially when fear is mixed in. So you aren't alone.

Make the call tomorrow and hopefully you can talk to someone and hear the person tell you that you are okay. It might be that this is a symptom of needing to tweak any medications you are on so be honest and open.

Get yourself up and moving. Even if it is doing laundry or dishes, if it changes your routine, it might help change your thought processes.

We'll still be here if it helps to write out and get feedback on your thoughts.

Good luck. :)

Ugh... I haven't been able to make the call because I've been busy with school work during the hours I can call... and my anxiety is getting worse. I keep having panic attacks (which I haven't had in months) whenever I think about my worries, and it's interfering with everything. I feel anxious whenever I see a girl I like, I'm questioning my entire past, making situations that never bothered me before in possible indicators that my worries are true, like making my concern about my appearance "gay" or my like of musicals/plays "gay" (even though that's something I've been proud of, and a point of individuality I've used to spark conversations with girls before). I'm afraid of my own shadow, I can't sleep, I can't eat... this is an awful feeling. I want it out of me. I just want to be myself again, and I feel like I can't be. Like something has permanently locked me away from the geeky, quirky guy who was unique, and who managed to have wonderful, amazing girlfriends despite (rather because of) the things that set him apart form other guys. I can't in good conscience call myself gay (I don't mean it's against my morals, I mean I try to settle on the fact that I am and something in me rejects the idea entirely, because when I think about guys in that way I involuntarily gag and get repulsed) but when I think about girls I get super anxious and can't focus... it's like I'm just caught in limbo. I hate this... and I can't understand it at all...

You need to make the phone call. Even if it is before office hours and you have to leave a message. Or if you have to use an emergency contact number.

I think you need to talk to your doctor as soon as you can about what you are feeling and thinking. I think it may be the medication, but only your doctor can tell you for certain and/or change how or when you take it. It would be even worse if you try to stop or change it on your own.

Along with calling your doctor, a call to your pharmacist to find out about drug interactions not only with other drugs but foods and drinks might help.

Think of it this way, a call and trip to your doctor to get checked out could be the biggest help in getting your mind back in control. I know how easy it is to let fear set your schedule so that you don't have any time (or feel like you don't). Make the time.

Eh Wolfman this is Saddude32 it won't let me into my account anymore but I found it from searching the site. I meant to reply to your comment because in a way it is a relief to know that I'm not alone with these thoughts from what I read were on the same boat. I have been getting over this paranoia by just taking my mind off it any way I can even though it does feel like I am possessed by some awful thing that will trigger the thoughts back up when I become happy. I have always been really worried about things my whole life and over think everything till my brain has had so much power of suggestion that I feel it is true even though I know its not for example I remember freaking out for a couple weeks about end of the world 2012 until I snapped out of it and realized it was all B.S and I was letting my mind think negative and believe what I watched on TV. I have nothing against gay people never have just never thought these ideas of me being gay would come to my head I wake up and think of it all day putting so much negative thoughts that it has started to take over but I know I am not gay and all the woman I have liked and been with was/is real. I just keep questioning everything I have ever done now in my life like you said you know who you are but don't now I feel the same way I was fine and it was like I woke up one day all of a sudden and had these thoughts which I don't think if you are gay you just wake up and decide to be one day you should have feeling from when you are younger. Ive done some research and I guess a lot of Straight guys will go through this being confused about being gay and get paranoid I would be a lot more bothered if it were just me who thought this way and didn't find other people talking about it. I think will snap out of it I just say to myself that I know and have always liked girls so why would I just stop liking them over night and start liking guys. Ive always wanted a wife and kids one day when I have a job and done school so I just keep thinking of those thoughts and they help. The thoughts will still fade in and out but I truly feel I am not attracted to men and only woman and wish I could get back to my normal thinking but it will come soon.