Ask Me Help Desk - How can I help?

Hello. My name is Maurice. I am 22 and my girlfriend is 20. I love her more than I can explain? We live together now, but she does not sleep in my room with me. I have the feeling she?s afraid of me and I can understand why.

In high school, she dated my brother. He had a habit of getting mad over simple things and taking his anger out on her. This is how I met her. She started staying at the house and ?spending the night with him? At the start she only came down the stairs with a few bruises on her arms and told my mother and I she was fine. I soon became close friends with her and my brother didn't?t like it so? He began locking the door at night so I couldn?t come in when I heard the bangs. Over the months of their relationship it got worse. I was often the one who drove her to the hospital or home. And at the rare times she would stay in my room.

Finally, after cheating on her for the last time she left him and went on to be closer friends to me. My brother moved and I still wonder why she stayed with him so long. She won?t tell me?

I have heart problems and have recovered mostly from heart surgery. She blames herself for my bad heart. She tells herself that it was her fault and if we weren?t always fighting (and we rarely do) than I wouldn?t have it as bad as this. She has gone to counseling. It doesn't?t help much.

All I want to do is show her I love her and that she shouldn?t flinch when I touch her, but she still does. I really don?t know what to do? Can anyone help?

Well for starters... with the comments " I love her more than I can explain?" "All I want to do is show her I love her and that she shouldn?t flinch when I touch her, but she still does. I really don?t"

Its obvious to me, you are in lust with her, and she CLEARLY doesn't share the same feelings... and your clingyness is putting her off since she isn't in lust with you.

I say lust because its not love... thre isn't a relationship beyond friendship here that I can see... and without it... love can't exist.

Love and lust are far different...

Lust starts strong and eventually fades... love starts slowly from nothing and gradually grows. And its not love unless its returned by the other individual as well. Love doesn't exist in a vacuum.

You want to know what to do... give up on it... she only wants to be friends... be happy with that before you lose even that. You can't impose love on anyone... you can't make them return it.

Wow really? I've only admitted loving her this year. Only a couple of months ago we both told each other while I was in the hospital. Just cut it off? Are you serious?

Cut what off... I don't see a reciprical relationship here...

Based on what you have written. You have an infatuation with her... and she see's you as just a friend and a room mate. That's not a relationship.

Her words and actions are pretty clear about it. You just haven't accepted it yet.

The comment that she flinches when you touch her speaks volumes.

You don't have to stop being friends... just accept the fact that's all you may ever be. Nothing wrong with that. I've had many femle friends... some closer than others over the years. Some I've been close friends with for 40 years now. Actually longer since we grew up together, so lets say I've known some of them since I was 4 years old which makes it 46 years now.

Yeah. I guess. It just doesn't seem like nothing. This could be turned into a real relationship if I could ever get her to open up more than rare outbursts.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Axis22

Yeah. I guess. It just doesn't seem like nothing. This could be turned into a real relationship if I could ever get her to open up more than rare outbursts.

Its NEVER going to turn into a real relationship unless she wants it to.

And its obvious she doesn't want it to. It takes TWO... and you only have ONE, and the other isn't interested in it.

You can waste your time, and likely lose her friendship in pursuit of a lost cause.

You aren't the first person that's ever been in this situation... most people find themselves there at some point. And most of them are too blind to see that you don't "convince" or "make" the other person see things their way... they simply either do or they don't. You don't WANT anyone that isn't attracted to you for just being yourself. If you have to bust your butt just to get them to date you, you are going to spend the rest of your lifetime busting your butt twice as hard to keep them from walking away.

Some things just aren't meant to be. When it is right, everything is going to fall together naturally, and stay there. That's how it was with my wife. We just met at a party and after running into each other a few times things started to fall into place. Four years later we maried, and its been 20 years since then.

I've dealth with that before... but that only proved it wasn't "right", because I never had to play those games with the one I eventually married.

All right... I understand. Let's see how well this'll go over with her.

Hold before you break up with her. Tell me how you know she loves you to? My wife and I met over nearly they same way. It was her Father not my brother who I stood up against for her though. I'm not saying that it isn't possible is that she doesn't want relationship. I'm just curious about how you are so sure she does.

I have the feeling she does. It's just a connection when I can look in her eys and hold her in my arms.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Axis22

I have the feeling she does. It's just a connection when I can look in her eys and hold her in my arms.

No... you are projecting your wishes onto her. If she felt the same she wouldn't be pushing you away... plain and simple. Why would she. This isn't the middle ages.

You are young, only 20... you don't have the life experience to see this yet... but not everyone, and in fact nobody else will view life through your eyes or perspective.

I'm 50, I dated a LOT of women from different cultures and countries before I settled down and got married. If you have to work for or fight for things as simple as this... then its clearly not right... even after 20 years of marriage, All I have to do is extend my arm and she's there. The last thing you would have to be doing with anyone that cared for you beyond being simple friends is what you have struggled to get and you still aren't getting it willingly.

No woman that cares for you in that way will ever push you away. (except maybe right after a fight).

YOu are seeing what you want to see in her... not what is really there... and if you keep imposing on her if she isn't completely receptive... you are going to find her not there and moved out one day.

And its clear you are imposing on her, she wouldn't push away if you wasn't. Eventually she will tire of it and that friendship will cease.

You are aware that you aren't that far from what could be considered attempted rape... if you slipped a hand in her pants or in her shirt at that point then all it would take is a phone call and you'd be in more trouble than you could ever imagine.

I only mentioned that as an example... not that I think you would... just that you aren't far from it, and what you think she wants or not won't save you then.

Making the wrong assumptions about what someone wants, can ruin your life very quickly.

Its your word against hers... and trust me... in most places of the world in this day and age... they are going to believe her, and you would have to do the impossible... prove your innocence.