Been married almost 8 years, during the last few he has accused me of cheating on him. I found out he did it to his ex. I cannot spend any time with my family without him accusing them of covering for me. If it takes me more than an hour and half to get groceries he accuses me. In the last couple months he's gotten worse and has asked for divorce twice then turns around all nicey nice. Lost in the country and can't understand his reckoning.

It's common for someone who cheated to accuse others of cheating. Tell him that, as gently as you can (not easy, I'm sure). And ask him if he would like to follow you wherever you go, or attach a webcam to your forehead. Be sure to tell him that you do have a breaking point of forgiveness. You can't be a martyr too many times. If you are willing to follow through on a plan if he does this divorce/accusation routine again, then give him an ultimatum.
You might want to consider couple counseling, him for his suspicions and you for how to deal with them, and how to gauge why you stay with him.

I answered the legal part on the other thread. It sounds (on your other thread) like you've had enough and want out.

If you want to stay in the marriage I recommend counselling. I know it's the flip/fast answer but he needs to talk to someone. If he won't go, go alone.

I'm an investigator, and I agree with my colleague, "Joy." People who accuse are usually committing the act themselves. That's why they're so suspicious - they know how "it" works.

On the other hand, has your husband gone through something life changing, such as a change in health or income? Something is triggering this.

I would tell him to go shopping or visiting your family or whatever else makes him jumpy with you. Tell him you'd welcome the company and you're tired of arguing. See what he thinks about that.

I agree it's a pain to drag your husband through the grocery store, but it might solve the problem. Of course, he might come up with some other "theory" of cheating.

Good luck.

I've had him go with me to the store, doesn't help. We he gets around my family he acts like a drunken slob, falling down, slurring words, etc. I have asked him nicely not to drink till afterwards, he gets real defensive and he doesn't go to any of my family get togethers anymore. He gets defensive about anything I may suggest as a change. He even does this when they visit. Yes, I think I've really had my fill, I suppose I'm just scared of the repercussions.

He might have a really bad case of guilt. His cheating warped into suspicions of you, can't face the relatives, he may hate himself. Too bad he won't get some therapy. But don't go feeling sorry for him now.

well here we go again with the drunken bipolar attitude. It's like picking the pedals off a daisy. She loves me she loves me not.., this went on for 2 hours last night, when I finally went to bed he starts howling and singing (drunkedly) at the top of his lungs. Yes, there were many words coming out of his mouth that was not very nice, he talks like that from another room thinking I can't hear his rambling. I'm starting to get my things together, still nervous as hell. I have some of the paperwork already. I'm scared as hell, being 54 and starting over again. I'm not in the best of health either... *^((^%$ nerves.

You don't have to leave you know, unless you feel comfortable at relatives and they want you. You can start the divorce while still at home. Maybe he'll move out. Usually the house is the biggest item to haggle over and it ends up being sold because the two can't agree. Just because he has the money and worked the last X years doesn't mean you won't get a good share.
Yes, this is all devastating, and most of the US has been through it, not much consolation, but you will find others in your boat.
Again.. there's counseling...

Okay, now should I have someone with me when I tell him I want to go through with divorce?

You should find a divorce laywer willing to get started without a deposit (if you don't have access too much money) first, and find out what she or he suggests as far as getting your ducks in a row - gathering papers, hiding precious items, salting away a few dollars if you can.
This isn't about 'telling him you want to go through with a divorce.' That sounds very much like someone who us used to asking for permission for everything. Tell him you are getting a divorce WHEN you actually have started the procedure.
If you say 'I want a divorce' you are just doing what he does, and it perpetuates the same old roller coaster. If you really do want it that way, however, then it sounds like you don't really want it, you want him to sober up and get help. He does need help. You need a little yourself, just for the way you put up with this.

You say that this change in his behaviour only started two years ago.

What was he like for the first six years of your marriage.

If he is accusing you of having affairs, maybe he is guilty himself, but then maybe he is insecure and you are somehow his lifeline. If he loses you, could he feel he's lost everything? Do you have any idea why he is behaving in such a desperate way?

Was he always a heavy drinker? Has he ever been diagnosed with a mental illness (not just a guess of one)?

I'm not so sure I'd throw in the towel. But, I would set some expectations, and deal with the problem so you know for sure that you are doing the right thing in leaving.

The first thing is he needs a complete physical, and the Doctor needs to be informed ahead of time why you are concerned about him, physically and emotionally. Depending on what comes of a thourough assessment, I would lay the law down as far as counselling goes. If alcohol has/always been a problem, he needs therapy to overcome a possible addiction- at least an assessment to determine what's going on there.

My opinion is you need to be sure of what you are doing, before you do it. If you have to address the problems in the marriage from a distance, then do it. A separation may prompt him to follow through with helping himself by beginning to rule out problems that he cannot control, without outside help.

I think it is too soon, and there is not enough information- yet- to know that the marriage, is over.

Oh, I Know Jake, He's gotten worse every year since we were married. Not just over the last 2, it has just escalated. It's just my patience have just worn so thin, my emotional state deteriated (I do get counciled).He is just never going to change his ways, that I know now. He has sought help, yes they gave him medications but he will not take them. He'd rather drink his liquor and beer till he falls down stupidly drunk.
I know we all have things that happen in our life that change us emmotionally, but lord have mercy, there is a limit and a breaking point, and his is he don't care for no one but himself and his family.
He would rather "give" someone whom he doesn't even know a personal loan for $2500 and go "oh well" when they don't pay him back, then to help his own wife when she has a medical problem at the same time, well I think that is just wrong.
Here's his comment, truthfully, when this actually happened, to me he said "well I reckon you'll just have to live with it". Tell me, does that sound like someone who loves his wife.

It's sad when he probably knows that the problems in the marriage stem from him. I hope for his own sake he can face his problems at some point in his life.

But by then, it sounds like it will have been too late to save his marriage.

He's had opportunities like you've said, with counselling, medical help, prescriptions, what else can you do.

I would have normally encouraged you to seek help for yourself, and you have even done that too. You will need to think clearly and have the confidence to make the final decision on the marriage.

I'm sorry you are going through this turmoil, and I hope that your independence from him, will give you your life back.

All the best to you.

Advice,, we have a large sum of cash in our home safe, is it adviseable for me to deposit in the bank?