Ask Me Help Desk - My Boyfriends going off to college. What should we do?

Does the age difference really affect a relationship? Is there really such a thing as the 'high school sweethearts'? We both love each other and want to spend the rest of our lives together but how should we handle this?

This is a pretty long story, but I'll try to keep it short for our sake :) well I'm 15 and my boyfriend is 17. He's graduating this year and going to college. I'm still going to be in high school as a junior and I might be going to the same college as him in 2 years but we really don't know how to keep this long distance relationship lasting. The university he's going to is actually only 45 minutes away from where we live now. I guess I'd say we're more in the mature level. Its not some fling, we're in a serious relationship .we're madly in love with each other, we really are. We've talked about this numerous times.. we talked about ALL about the future. We both DO want to be together but we both worry about each other. He thinks I'm going to fall in love with another guy because I need to enjoy my high school years and 'explore' (since he's already done with that and knows what he wants, which he says is me and only me) but honestly I think he's going to find another girl in college or get drunk in crazy college partys. I mean really, even if this is a small town, any person that goes to college is more than likely going to fall in love with someone there. He's isn't a party boy, only been drunk once in his life which was last year. One of his friends is a party boy so that gets me a little concerned... I probably sound over protective here huh? We both have been controlling to each other lately. He thinks I'm going to get drunk off my with my friends since they are wild party girls and he's always concerned about other guys liking me or hitting on me. Or if I'm going to get drunk with my friends (I've never been drunk for the fact). I'm actually a pretty innocent good girl, which he knows. I tell him he's over worrying, but he says he just cares too much

Overall I just need some opinions on what you think about the whole college guy and high school girl dating. Is the 2 year age difference bad? Would it be selfish of me to be in a relationship with him when he's out there starting his new life? Or should I just keep going out with him and see how things go from there.. I trust him with all my heart and he's the most sweetest guy I've EVER met. I want to marry this man (I know I'm too young to say this) but just he's perfect in every way. We've been through SO much and we've seen the best and worst of each other. Sometimes we even think we're married by the way we act. I just pray that there could BE a future in our relationship.

Sorry this is so long. THANKS FOR LISTENING :)

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Originally Posted by mooshupooshu

i probably sound over protective here huh? we both have been controlling to each other lately.

Control is not a measure of love and it sounds to me, no offense, like you both are too young yet to fully grasp that very well. It's a reflection of how insecure you are instead, which is a condition of youth.

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Originally Posted by mooshupooshu

i tell him he's over worrying, but he says he just cares too much

Don't you do the same thing? You two both do the dance of overly involved, controlling and worrying -- more signs this is young and very inexperienced love.

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Originally Posted by mooshupooshu

overall i just need some opinions on what you think about the whole college guy and high school girl dating. is the 2 year age difference bad? would it be selfish of me to be in a relationship with him when he's out there starting his new life? or should i just keep going out with him and see how thigns go from there.

Are you dating or are you seriously involved? You sound confused. How can it be selfish of you if you are the one he wants to marry? Forgive me but the fact that you are asking the kinds of questions you are tells me you don't understand even the basics of what a serious, committed relationship is about and that is understandable considering your young age and lack of experience.

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Originally Posted by mooshupooshu

i trust him with all my heart and he's the most sweetest guy i've EVER met. i want to marry this man (i know im too young to say this) but just he's perfect in every way. we've been through SO much and weve seen the best and worst of each other.

No, you like how this sounds but the fact is you don't trust each other since you say so yourself all through this post and you can imagine far worse than what either of you have been through as well. A little more truth telling here would go a long way, okay?

I know this is difficult to hear, sweetie, but I would suggest you try defining what you are doing as just dating since you really don't have a full understanding of what a committed relationship entails. You can do one of three things:

1. Decide that its not exclusive dating but you won't tell each other if you do date others to spare feelings.

2. Or break up.

3. Or decide that it is exclusive dating and write/call to each other to sustain the relationship until you both grow enough to turn it into something that is mature enough to be committed.

A truly mature, committed relationship would manage to sustain the kind of separation that college would bring without making a big deal out of it. The two people would naturally devise ways in which to stay connected. Sure it would be a strain but people in committed relationships and marriages do it all the time -- the military, the jobs that require travel, etc.

I hope you can see that most of what you need is time to grow up a little here, and fortunately that will happen. I hope with it comes discernment too.

By the sounds of it, it doesn't seem like it' going to finish high school.

Two years is not a big deal but neither of you have a clue.

High school is like a TV show with everyone pretending to be something there not. Once you get that dipolma a whole new life starts. Your talking about the future all the time does that include mortgage payments, car payments, how much you'll keep in savings and who is cleaning the bathroom. Those are real things adults talk about plus other stuff. Your in a fantasy land.

I'm 30 and I probably wouldn't like the person I was at 15 if I had a time machine and could go back and see myself. People change drastically. In just 5 years yo will be radically different then you are now. In 10 years you will be a completely different person then you are now.

Can high schoolers remain together forever. Yes. But it's a very minor minority. But if you are going to be controlling each other and not offering support then why would this last? It won't. You preach about how much you love each other but love doesn't hold relationships together in the real world. That's high school and hollywood fantasy stuff. In the real world relationships are held together by fun, communication, being apart (yes you must not always be together), mystery, intelligence, excitement, and strength.

The truth I don't think you can even judge your relationship until your both out of high school. When you both have real world experience then you can start asking questions. Until then you should just be enjoying yourself and having fun.

I know right now you thinking "what an idiot", but when your 30 you'll be thinking, "that dude really knew what he was talking about." So just trust me on this as I have nothing to gain by giving you bad advice that you need to slow down and just have fun and not worry about life time relationships.

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Originally Posted by mooshupooshu

does the age difference really affect a relationship?

Of course it does. Everything about both people affects a relationship. Could be good, could be bad... it's not automatically either. At your age, two years is a pretty big difference, but by your mid-twenties two years won't be anything.

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is there really such a thing as the 'high school sweethearts'? We both love each other and want to spend the rest of our lives together but how should we handle this?

Sure. My brother married his high school sweetheart almost ten years ago, and they're doing fine, and have two kids (14 and 8, which only sounds crazy until you find out they're adopted :)). On the other hand, there are a LOT of people who marry their high school sweetheart and divorce within a few years, or have an extremely unhappy relationship down the line. I know for a fact that if I'd married mine, I'd be on here asking about help for suicidal depression by now.

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this is a pretty long story, but I'll try to keep it short for our sake :) well I'm 15 and my boyfriend is 17. He's graduating this year and going to college. I'm still going to be in high school as a junior and I might be going to the same college as him in 2 years but we really don't know how to keep this long distance relationship lasting.

Switching a relationship over to long-distance is a lot harder than you can possibly imagine. Everything changes immediately, especially if one of you is in a forced-social atmosphere such as school. He's going to be making new friends there, people that you aren't going to know at all. People you don't like. People who don't like you. Girls. And you will end up getting jealous of those friends, because he'll be spending so much more time with them than he is with you.

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the university he's going to is actually only 45 minutes away from where we live now.

45 minutes away is the same as five hours away once work load or social events start kicking in. If anything, it's worse, since you'll see it as only 45 minutes away, which only sounds like an easy drive as long as you don't have an essay or lab report that has to get done by Monday at 9am.

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I guess I'd say we're more in the mature level. Its not some fling, we're in a serious relationship .we're madly in love with each other, we really are. We've talked about this numerous times.. we talked about ALL about the future. We both DO want to be together

No offense, but it isn't exactly rare to think that. Nearly everybody goes through that phase in their early serious relationships. And everybody thinks theirs is different, it will be the one to work. Thinking that doesn't mean anything.

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but we both worry about each other. He thinks I'm going to fall in love with another guy because I need to enjoy my high school years and 'explore'

Which is likely. And advisable, really, but that's beside the point. Absence makes the heart go wander, especially when you start to get worried about what he's doing with his friends this weekend and need somebody to talk to.

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(since he's already done with that and knows what he wants, which he says is me and only me) but honestly I think he's going to find another girl in college or get drunk in crazy college partys.

Which is also likely. And also advisable. College isn't the time to sit in your dorm/frat/apartment and pine for a girl back home, it's the time to get to know people, try new things, and figure yourself out. No matter what either of you think, you have a LOT of changing to do over the next four to six years, and you'll never get through any of that if you don't get out and do some stuff.

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I mean really, even if this is a small town, any person that goes to college is more than likely going to fall in love with someone there.

Most people who go to college meet somebody there who winds up meaning something to them. Because of my time in college, I've got three guys who I consider brothers (two from school and one who wasn't there, but who I wouldn't have met had I not gone) and the best friend I've ever had. I've also got two serious breakups, a handful of flings, and a whole lot of memories (good and bad) that I wouldn't have without that time and those people. That's just part of the experience.

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he's isn't a party boy, only been drunk once in his life which was last year.

Sounds like me... when I went off to college, I'd only been drunk once, at my brother's bachelor party. (I was 15, and I was HAMMERED). By the end of my five years of college, I had three years of alcoholism and one year of being a former alcoholic under my belt. Never would have expected that, going in.

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one of his friends is a party boy so that gets me a little concerned...

A lot of the people he'll have as friends will be the party type, too. That should only worry you if your boyfriend is so unassertive that he'll follow anything his friends do.

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I probably sound over protective here huh? We both have been controlling to each other lately. He thinks I'm going to get drunk off my with my friends since they are wild party girls and he's always concerned about other guys liking me or hitting on me. Or if I'm going to get drunk with my friends (I've never been drunk for the fact). I'm actually a pretty innocent good girl, which he knows. I tell him he's over worrying, but he says he just cares too much

... you're being controlling and overprotective of each other now, 8 months or so before he even leaves? Cutting straight to the chase, you're never going to make it. You're both going to be so overwhelmed by the idea of what the other might be doing that you'll forget to live your own lives, and then you'll end up throwing the relationship away over nothing when that worry builds up too much.

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overall I just need some opinions on what you think about the whole college guy and high school girl dating.

It's a bad idea. You're setting yourselves up for a lot of heartache and bad feelings by the end of the first semester.

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is the 2 year age difference bad?

No. It's the stuff that goes with it that will be bad.

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would it be selfish of me to be in a relationship with him when he's out there starting his new life?

Yeah, pretty much. You're asking him to give up a big chunk of what college means to keep from upsetting you. You're setting him up for disappointment by limiting the people he can meet.

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or should I just keep going out with him and see how things go from there

You'll set yourself and him up for a lot of bad memories, bitterness, and cynicism if you do that. It's extremely likely that you'll break up, and if you do it that way, with feelings of jealousy and hurt, you're going to taint what should be good memories of this person and this relationship.

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.I trust him with all my heart and he's the most sweetest guy I've EVER met. I want to marry this man (I know I'm too young to say this) but just he's perfect in every way.

No, he's not. That you'd say that tells me that you're not only not ready to be thinking about marriage, you're not ready to be in a serious relationship. At best, he's perfect for you, but you're still going to change an awful lot in the next few years, so even that doesn't mean anything.

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we've been through SO much and we've seen the best and worst of each other.

No, no you haven't. Lost a job? Fought over money? Fought about in-laws? Had job stress spill over into your relationship? Moved? Any of those is a whole lot worse than anything you've gone through. People get downright evil when it comes to things like that.

If you do stay together when he goes off to school, you'll have your first real fight when you decide you need him to come home for a weekend when he has to stay and finish a project. And even that is minor compared to some of the things listed above.

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sometimes we even think we're married by the way we act. I just pray that there could BE a future in our relationship.

There could be. But I sincerely doubt it's anything like the future you'd expect.

Chuff Is Right On The Money.

I don't think it's selfish of you to continue dating your boyfriend while he goes off to college, but I do think it will be a very difficult and trying experience.
I don't think you need to be single to enjoy college, that's only if you think that by enjoying college you mean fooling around with a bunch of different people. However, you do need to have a very understanding and trusting significant other in order not to feel constrained.
If this long distance relationship is ever to work, you would need to be a very secure girlfriend. Unfortunately, it doesn't sound like this is the case, and this too is pretty normal, since you are so young. I am a few years older than you and still struggle with paranoid feelings sometimes. Additionally, your boyfriend has to be understanding and willing to compromise. And you both have to be great communicators. Again, these are not things usually found in people so you, even if you are madly in love.
This is probably not what you want to hear, but if you decide to stick thisout it will be A LOT of work and frustration, and you should think long and hard about whether you want to put yourself through that. However, don't let people tell you that you have no chance, although rare, there are high school sweethears that do make it. Even though chances seem to be against you, someone makes it, it could be you two.
Currently I am at college with a boyfriend who, coincidentally, also lives 45 minutes away. It can be hard, very hard, for so many reasons I don't even want to list them all. And I can only imagine how hard it would be for a younger couple. Yet it is also rewarding. We have both matured together and stay in touch in various ways (I love having the chance to write love letters, for one) and absence, in our case, does not make the heart wander, it truly does make the heart grow fonder. Our relationship seems to be the best of any of my and his friends. It has taken sacrifice, compromise, trust, long late night chats (and high phone bills) and great time management on my part, but I wouldn't dream of giving it up.
If he is not going to college until the fall, you have a lot of time to grow together. If you decide to stick it out, make sure you discuss the practical and real changes that will take place between your relationship and form a plan. How often will you see each other? Will you talk once a night... more/less? What is considered cheating? Dancing? Flirting? Trying to control each other would only drive you apart, but working to keep your relationship going could bring you even closer together.
Above all, remember that if it was meant to be you will get through this, and if not then you have lots of time to find the guy you will spend the rest of your life with. If you guys can get through this, then there's good reason to believe you could last forever. If not, then you definitely couldn't. And if you're just too young, than I'm sorry fate has made you meet too early.

Two years is not a big deal for adults, but 15? Way too young and inexperienced to be an adult so you may as well be decades apart since you both are at different places in the real world. 15 year olds have no clue about the real world or what they are about as adults. It a time for fun and enjoying life, and learning what it takes to be an adult.

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Originally Posted by mooshupooshu

does the age difference really affect a relationship? is there really such a thing as the 'high school sweethearts'? we both love each other and want to spend the rest of our lives together but how should we handle this?

this is a pretty long story, but i'll try to keep it short for our sake :) well im 15 and my boyfriend is 17. he's graduating this year and going to college. im still going to be in high school as a junior and i might be goin to the same college as him in 2 years but we really dont know how to keep this long distance relationship lasting. the university he's going to is actually only 45 minutes away from where we live now. i guess i'd say we're more in the mature level. its not some fling, we're in a serious relationship .we're madly in love with each other, we really are. we've talked about this numerous times..we talked about ALL about the future. we both DO want to be together but we both worry about each other. he thinks im going to fall in love with another guy because i need to enjoy my high school years and 'explore' (since he's already done with that and knows what he wants, which he says is me and only me) but honestly i think he's going to find another girl in college or get drunk in crazy college partys. i mean really, even if this is a small town, any person that goes to college is more than likely going to fall in love with someone there. he's isn't a party boy, only been drunk once in his life which was last year. one of his friends is a party boy so that gets me a little concerned...i probably sound over protective here huh? we both have been controlling to each other lately. he thinks im going to get drunk off my with my friends since they are wild party girls and he's always concerned about other guys liking me or hitting on me. or if im gonna get drunk with my friends (i've never been drunk for the fact). im actually a pretty innocent good girl, which he knows. i tell him he's over worrying, but he says he just cares too much

overall i just need some opinions on what you think about the whole college guy and high school girl dating. is the 2 year age difference bad? would it be selfish of me to be in a relationship with him when he's out there starting his new life? or should i just keep going out with him and see how thigns go from there..i trust him with all my heart and he's the most sweetest guy i've EVER met. i want to marry this man (i know im too young to say this) but just he's perfect in every way. we've been through SO much and weve seen the best and worst of each other. sometimes we even think we're married by the way we act. i just pray that there could BE a future in our relationship.

sorry this is so long. THANKS FOR LISTENING :)

OH MY GOD. When I found this, I nearly died. I will entering the same situation next year when my boyfriend (17) goes to college 45-60 minutes away. I cried reading these answers you received, and wondered why they were so negative and not hopeful. I really want to enjoy the last year I have with him in school with me, because he won't be home every weekend because he's leaving his car at home. I'm also 15 years old, and I'm pretty sure I feel the same way you do about life right now, and we're probably both wrong, but partly right too. So, I saw you wrote this in February, and it's now October, so I'm curious as to what happened. Please reply to this as soon as you can, I hope everything is well though.

Indeed like what most people said you two are very young, but the whole thing about a relationship is trust in each other. If your worried about your boyfriend going out and having parties all the time and hooking up with other girls then you don't trust him enough to love you and only you. College is a big thing and if you don't want to put a burden on him when he goes to college then you need to make sure you show him your support that you trust him. About him wanting you to experience your high school life to the full potential or what ever it was, you need to tell/show him that you don't need to live your high school life to the full potential. Like what another person also said high school is just a chapter in life and things can change over the years, so if you want to keep that relationship going make sure you spend as much time together as can, without interrupting his college life.